On Feeling Insecure

Morning Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a glorious sunny day in St Helens!!!  Honestly, it’s a shame to be in work.

Well today is a massive day for us at work.  We were going to look at new warehouses and offices as Simon’s business is growing massively.  So I decided to power dress.  I opted for my red body con dress, leopard print peep toes, my hair back in an Alice band with some serious volume, vampy eyes and my red lippy.  I felt like a stunner. 

We were meeting the real estate agent at 1pm at the new units.  Me, Simon and Keith drove in my little car, with the top down, and were waiting for her.

A black car pulled up and out topped a pretty blonde.  Simon, she said as she smiled her beautiful grin.  She walked over and Simon smiled brightly and took her hand.  Instantly, I hated this woman.  I looked at her patchy self tan, her bitten down nails, her crumpled up skirt in the back, she wasn’t even wearing heels...her thin ponytail...I caught my refection in one of the windows, saw the extra weight on me and instantly felt inadequate and ugly. 

I instantly got defensive and went onto attack mode.  She showed us around so Keith and I stuck back and I distracted myself by talking about warehouse space.  Did Simon just put his hand on her back?

I felt a lump in my throat.  I never wanted to be a jealous girl.  I didn’t feel jealous though...it was insecure inadequate, ugly, and fat.  Not fabulous.  I didn’t say much, I just observed.  Simon and Keith chatted to the real estate woman and I pretended to look around.

We looked at other sites in the same park and again I pretended to look around.  I asked the odd commercial question.  I think she didn’t like me either.   I was polite and professional as always.

We finished the viewing and shook hands and said we’d be in touch.  We got back into my car and Simon said to Keith, you so would, wouldn’t you?  Keith laughed and I felt....invisible and small. 

As Simon drove my car I kept quiet as Keith and Simon chatted about the different sites.  They asked me questions and I gave 1 worded answers.  I felt hurt because I felt ugly.  Inadequate. 

So when we got back I put a call into our landlord to discuss moving.  I managed to swing a deal that wouldn’t cost us any money but I would have to speak to the woman who made me feel inferior.  I don’t want to speak to her.

Ragers and Ragettes, it must be the hormones coursing through my body from my new contraception.  It must be.  I am usually a reasonable person.  But I really wanted to stab that woman’s eyes out with a fork.   I don’t blame Simon, she was pretty.  Skinny.  Any man would like her...But it’s left me feeling so ugly.  So inferior.  So stupid.

So now I don’t know what to do....do I pretend I don’t care?  Do I get angry?  The tears are streaming down my face now as we speak.  I am in the middle of the office while Simon is in the bathroom trying not to cry.  I know I am being silly.  I look at other men and other women all the time!   Simon and I look at other women together!  Why I am getting all upset?

This blog has been like a diary to me and I know when I read this back I will give myself an emotional slap down but I have to vent this somehow without exploding.  Sigh.  I don’t know.  I have never wanted to crawl into a corner and crack open a tub of Ben and Jerry’s more before.  What’s a girl to do?

So Ragers and Ragettes, we all feel insecure sometimes but as former first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage