Hey Ragers and Ragettes! Happy Friday to you all! It’s been a crazy, strange, mad week for me.
As you know from a past blog post, my ex Dan and I have been going through a bad patch. This is now come to a head.
Since last time, I have been receiving texts from Dan. Some were nice, some were abusive, some were desperate and pathetic, and all were emotional blackmail of the worst kind.
From what I can gather, Dan is going into therapy which is much needed for him. He has so many issues it’s untrue. The drinking is the biggest. But I have found out since I posted about Dan last that there are other things happening.
He started to shit stir between a mutual friend and his girlfriend by saying to the girlfriend that our friend had fucked up and forgot something. To which she replied, no he didn’t. He was telling me things about our mutual friend that were not very good and made me lose respect for the friend.
And Dan said that he had an emotional breakdown and he was admitted into hospital for an overnight stay. He didn’t tell anyone about this until last Saturday when he broke loose on me. He called and gave me a barrage of abuse to the extent where I was in tears. Simon witnessed me fall to the floor on my knees sobbing from the verbal barbs Dan threw.
Now Ragers and Ragettes. I have had a mental breakdown before. I do suffer with bi-polar disorder and I have OCD tendencies. I have done the medicine thing (which is awful) which didn’t work for me at all. I then did the therapy thing which worked a treat. I am not perfect but writing this makes me feel better as I feel like I am getting it all out.
I used to see Dan as this strong, tough lad from Liverpool that could take anyone on. But I have also seen the dark side of Dan (as I outlined in a previous post) and that side, I have to say, has started to come back.
You see, Ragers and Ragettes, the feelings that I felt with him before are flooding back. Not the love feelings but the feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, inadequacy, and all other negative shit came back. This has caused me sleepless nights.
Simon though has been amazing. He’s listened to me and he snapped me out of this rut. He told me that I shouldn’t feel like the bad guy here. That this isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve to feel like this.
He’s right, Ragers and Ragettes! I don’t need a friend like that in my life!! He says that he is going through a mental breakdown. But with the falsehoods that are coming to the surface, I don’t know what to believe. And I need to confess, I am terrified to see him without someone there. The messages that he is sending are scaring me.
I feel like I should be there but then I think back. When I needed him when I first moved over he wasn’t there for me at all. He emotionally neglected me. He verbally abused me. He picked at me, broke my confidence and made me feel useless. He made me sell my guitar for beer money, he insulted me, made my body confidence drop. And now he is giving me bullshit that I am not being there for him? It seems like his attitude is, if I am not happy then you can’t be either!!!
Am I wrong in thinking and feeling what I am feeling? I started to properly think about Dan’s and my relationship/friendship. As one of my favourite songs by Sheryl Crow said, you don’t bring me anything but down. Because that is all he does. You know the saying, misery loves company? Yeah.
You see, I have learned and started to make new friends. Friends who don’t do that.
Take the gorgeous Suzanne. When I see her, I feel renewed, invigorated, happy, and positive. Her smile is infectious and her laugh makes me laugh too. She is always there for me and I am there for her. I’d take a bullet for that girl.
She never, ever brings me down. She always encourages me and cheers me on. When I got my new job, my new boyfriend and new place, she was so happy for me. Yes, I was sad to leave my old job (the only thing I was sad about!!!) because I would not have my daily hug and giggle. Suzanne and I always have a great laugh together. When we go out we always have a laugh!!!!
With Dan, there is none of that. We just end up drowning our sorrows. Again, do I really need someone like that in my life??
So last night when Simon and I were in the pub having an after dinner drink he called. I gulped and said hi. He then started to question me about what I was doing tonight and Saturday. Well tonight I wanted to chill with my man. And tomorrow Simon and I are going into Manchester to hand my keys over to my old landlady then I am treating him to a meal for being so lovely. This seemed to upset Dan. He was very terse with me and we hung up.
He then sent a text saying that he doesn’t want to be in touch anymore. The thing is that in the last few weeks, he has sent this text once a day at least.
Simon saw the look on my face and said don’t be sad. He hugged me and held me tight. I looked at the love in his eyes. I touched his face and made a decision.
I took my phone out, found his number and hit Block this Caller. Simon looked at me and said, only do it if you mean it. I realised that this was a long time coming. I cannot take the emotional blackmail and verbal abuse anymore.
So today is the first time that I feel like I am free. Yes, Dan and I had good times but thinking about it they were drink fuelled times of self doubt and misery.
I have moved on with my life and I am in a good place. And if people like Suzanne can be happy for me then why can’t Dan?
Ragers and Ragettes, don’t ever let anyone make you feel like shit. You have the power to walk away. It will be hard but true freedom comes when you learn to let go.
Dan, I had to do this. You gave me no choice. I don’t think bad of you. I don’t feel anger towards you anymore just sadness. Take care, darling. Be safe and you’ll never walk alone.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx