Hey Ragers and Ragettes!! Happy Saturday!!!
Today I am dressed in comfy warm clothes. After the stunning weather this past week, It's cold again. So I am wearing a green sweater dress and black leggings. It is seriously cold!!
Well, I have moved into my new flat 6 miles away from work. It’s in a little village 10 miles outside of Manchester. The building is an old mill building, which brings some challenges and some good things too.
My flat is cold and has a strange sort of smell. I have so many air fresheners in my flat it’s crazy. I’m scared to do my laundry in the flat because I don’t my clothes picking up the smell. (I go back to St Helens and I do my laundry there. I am still paying for the utilities, hell I will use them!!!)
It’s also a dead spot of data and internet. Hell, I can barely watch TV. I have finely tuned it and I can get Freeview stations. My internet gets put in next week so I will be able to get some sense of normality back in my life.
I have been living during the week in Manchester and then going back to St Helens for the weekends to see Simon and my guinea pigs.
I feel like I am in the middle. I don’t know where I am supposed to be and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I just feel sad, lonely and confused.
Simon has been trying to a certain extent. Last Friday and yesterday when I drove and hour and half back to St Helens to see him, I parked up and walked into the flat and he wasn’t there. The flat? It looked like a bomb went off. Dishes in the dishwasher still. The kitchen work tops covered in plastic tubs, empty coke bottles, dishes piled in the sink. The living room, cat toys were strewn all over the floor. The bedroom, a big pile of clothes on the floor. He hadn’t done his laundry for over a week.
Now Simon knows that I am kind of on the fence about the relationship. Surely if you were trying to impress someone that was on the fence about the relationship, you would make an effort and try to clean up and be home for when they got home? I know that is what I would do. I feel like as soon as I got home I have slotted back into the cycle of cook, clean, cook clean, cook clean. If that is to be my life, I would rather die now and be done with it. Simon is 31 fucking years old!!!! He lives a 6 minutes’ drive from the flat. Yes, work is tiring but part of being an adult is doing adult things that are practical, like taking care of a home.
During the weekends, when I go back we still don’t really see each other. He stays in the front room, sleeping and watching TV. I stay in my room usually writing, reading or tidying. He’s tired. I’m tired. This whole situation is making me fucking tired.
I also go back to St Helens one day during the week to go to couples counselling. That night I don’t get to eat dinner. So I go to bed hungry, tired and grumpy.
Life isn’t the best now. The only bright spots are my job and the gym.
I love my job. I work with good people. I am respected, listened to and appreciated. And complimented daily on my fashion.
My new gym, I’m slowly getting used to it. I’m talking to the people in the gym, making friends and yesterday I tried the morning spinning class. I’m eating better and I am slowly getting my groove back.
I think that the main issue is I don’t know where I am meant to be or what I am meant to be doing. So hopefully, to clear my head I have decided to book a weekend away at the end of the month and disappear away from St Helens and from Manchester. Go off the grid and all this figured out.
Suzanne sent me a message saying how she feels frustrated and sad about things too. And I feel like an arse because I haven’t been as supportive as I should be. She is going through a few health problems and the truth be told, I am scared shitless for her. Suzanne has been my main support the last few years. She has always been there for me. I am praying nightly and daily that she is ok.
I have gone through a ton of changes in the last 2 months: New job, leaving St Helens and back to Manchester, new flat that is cold, has zero mobile signal/data and smells weird. I just want a place to call home. I just want to feel happy. The sad thing is that I have felt sad for the last 3 years or so. I can’t really remember what happiness feels like.
I know that the answer will come and I will get a resolution to the problem. So each day I am trying to count my blessings. Smile at the small things and be grateful for them. I am focusing on my health and my well-being, mentally and physically. And I hope with those steps in place, plus my little weekend away, the answer to what I need to do and where I need to be will be made clear.
So chin up. Put those heels on, put my red lippy on and get on with it!
So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx