Hey Ragers and Ragettes!! It's a cold day here so I am in Rage Towers in my favorite hoodie, pajama pants watching TV.
It;s been just over a week since I moved out on my own. And in that week I have enjoyed tremendously my new found freedom.
Last night though, I was sitting with a glass of wine watching my beloved Liverpool thrash Huddersfield and I had a strange thought.
So Betty, you've moved out, what happens next?
Yes, what happens next?
Now is going to be the part of my life where questions need to be asked and decisions need to be made about my future.
These are the things I do know.
1. I need to get eating properly again. I am eating crap and drinking a bit more than I should be. Also I have been broke recently. I get paid on Tuesday so I can hopefully get into a normal flow and start eating proper food instead of pot noodles!!
2. I need to get back exercising. I made the decision to cancel my gym membership as it is very expensive. So now that I have moved in, I want to find a better priced gym and get my body moving again. There is a Yoga place that is local to where I live that does a hot yoga course £20 for 20 days and I am considering doing that. Have 20 days of good eating, no alcohol and hot yoga and get my body back on the straight and narrow.
3. Sort the man situation out. Mr Wonderful is great, don't get me wrong but there are a few things that are bothering me. He's a lovely guy but I have to constantly repeat myself and he repeats himself a lot. As in he tells the same story again, and again and again.
He lives so far away. I don't want to move to Switzerland. I really don't. I don't want to be a part a time girlfriend. I know people that do the long distance thing (and I have before) but it's not for me. And when I do see him, I can only tolerate being around him for about 2 days then I get irritated. Which is probably not a good sign....
I hate breaking up with people but I think I am going to have to tell him thanks but no thanks.
The truth of the matter is that I am not ready for a proper relationship. I need to work on me and get myself back to winning ways.
This is the part of my life where I need to put myself first and look out for my needs. I need to settle in properly and make this new place my home. (Right now I'm just basking in each moment. My home!!!!!!!)
I know that everything is working out for me. I know now that I have nothing holding me back and I can and will get the life that I have always wanted. It will take time but first I have to rebuild my relationship with my self and get my body back to good health.
So this process is going to be an interesting one. But a fun one. And after all, it's all about the journey and not the destination.
So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx
Saturday 27 April 2019
Tuesday 23 April 2019
On The Big Move
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!! Here I am broadcasting live from the new Rage Towers.
Yes, the move has happened.
In fact, here I am in my leopard print velour pajama bottoms and matching hoodie with a glass of Moscato watching the football like it is the most normal thing in the whole world. My guinea pigs are in front of me and it feels so normal and so fucking good!!
I received my keys last Wednesday (I cried while video calling Suzanne...) and on Thursday the big move happened.
It went so smoothly!! It went almost flawlessly!!
I woke up early on Thursday morning. I barely slept a wink as I was sooooooooooooooooooooo excited and I was over planning and over thinking. (As per usual)
I started finishing bagging my stuff up (I filled my car with my junk on the Tuesday so when I got the keys on Wednesday I was able to move that stuff out) and started putting it down by the door.
My housemate got up (hungover) and went to work.
I just concentrated on getting all my crap downstairs and ready. My friend Rita was helping me move. Her boyfriend has a van and she borrowed it for the day and helped me out.
When she arrived, we had a coffee and a chat. She bought me a really thoughtful gift. A lovely quirky cushion for my new settee that fits in perfectly. It says "New Future" on it which I thought was really appropriate.
Then we started filling the van up. Everything fit in perfectly. Literally. My parents yelled at me when I was a kid for playing Tetris a lot. Well, Mama and Daddy Rage, that Tetris training prepared me for the move!!!
The new place is literally 5 minutes from the old place. We got to the new place and soon unloaded the van
We then went back and had to do a run to the tip. I took my old bed and chest of drawers (both were broken) and there was some drama. The tip closest to us wouldn't allow us in as our vehicle was too high. So we had to go down the road 20 minutes.
It wasn't sign posted but in the end we managed to get it all dumped.
Throwing the old drawers and broken bed was so therapeutic!!! It was me getting rid of the past. When the last lot was dumped, I got into the van with Rita and cried.
I had to go back to the old house and clean the room, vacuum and get it looking good.
Rita gave me a hug and left.
I scrubbed, vacuumed and cleaned. The cat kept coming up to me. She knew that something was going on.
When I was loading the last bits into my car, the cat jumped in and refused to get out. Part of me wanted to take her with me but recently she has been shitting on the carpet. No thank you!
That's when I made a school girl error. I grabbed her, threw her in the house and shut the door. The door was one of these that once you shut it you are locked out. I had put my old house keys on the kitchen table. I forgot to get the internet equipment for my new place. Whoops! So I didn't have the clean getaway that I wanted.
My housemate finished work at 6 so I had wait until then. I went to my new place and started putting stuff away until 5:30 then drove back. Luckily my old housemate was in and I grabbed the internet equipment. She hugged me and told me that she hopes I'm happy in my new home. I politely hugged her back.
When I drove off, the knot in my stomach went. I felt true freedom.
I put the hot water on, put more stuff away and then I took a hot bath. It felt great to sink into the hot soapy water and feel my sore body relax.
I had an early night and slept like the dead! It was amazing!!
The next day I woke up in a state of is this real? It was. My new bed is comfy. The cable guy came over to put my internet in and get my TV sorted.
The next day Simon was supposed to come over and drop off the guinea pigs, the TV and the bits I left behind at the house in St Helens.
When I woke up, I looked at my phone and saw a text from Mr Wonderful. It read "Surprise! I'm coming over!". I kind of felt a bit irritated. I checked the time that he was due and it was going to be tight from when Simon was coming over to when his flight landed.
Simon was running really late. He was 45 minutes late. He was supposed to be at mine for 10:30. When he had his new girlfriend in tow. Awkward much?
Anyway, the guinea pigs were dropped off including the rest of my shoes, my vanity table, and other bits and pieces.
I got the pigs sorted and then ran to the airport to pick up Mr Wonderful. He was in a cafe and he greeted me by picking me up and swinging me around as he kissed me. It was lovely. He gibves the best hugs ever.
I had to go to the shop to pick up food for the guinea pigs. He picked up an expensive bottle of champagne, some wine, beer and food for the piggies. He then paid for it all. I told him that he shouldn't but he insisted.
When we got back to the flat we made love. We had a lovely weekend together. He literally paid for everything: my petrol for my car, food, drinks. I felt a bit embarrassed. I'm broke (7 more days until payday thank God!!!!!) but he didn't mind. I still felt awkward. I believe in a 50/50 relationship.
Anyway he left yesterday, I dropped him at the airport and came back to my new home. I started looking through a few bags that Simon brought over and I found my dildo. Yes, my ex boyfriend packed my dildo in the presence of his new girlfriend. That's not embarrassing....great....
So here I am. Dildo safely in my bedside cabinet. Everything is almost all put away. I have only £40 in my bank account to last me until payday. I have enough gas in my car to get me to work. I have never been more happy or felt more free. And so I know that I will be living on Pot Noodles for the next 7 days. But you know what? It's fucking worth it!!!
People at work are asking me about my housemate and how I feel and such. I have said the following: That is the past. I am not focusing on the past anymore. I am focusing on the future. I am focusing on being me, Betty Rage. I'm focusing on taking care of myself and making my future bright and amazing.
Since I have moved, I haven't stopped smiling. Things are failing into place and I am just feeling so free and relieved. I am watching football on my big TV. My guinea pigs are munching on apple and parsley. I am sipping a glass of moscato casually. It seems to mundane but to me this is freedom.
The price of freedom? I am broke for a week. But you know what? I don't care. I can walk around naked, take a bath when I want to but mostly, Simon has moved on and now so can I. That is priceless.
So normal business shall resume. The Betty from 5 years ago will be back, a little wiser but a hell of a lot more fabulous.
Yes, Ragers and Ragettes, the best is yet to come!!!
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
Yes, the move has happened.
In fact, here I am in my leopard print velour pajama bottoms and matching hoodie with a glass of Moscato watching the football like it is the most normal thing in the whole world. My guinea pigs are in front of me and it feels so normal and so fucking good!!
I received my keys last Wednesday (I cried while video calling Suzanne...) and on Thursday the big move happened.
It went so smoothly!! It went almost flawlessly!!
I woke up early on Thursday morning. I barely slept a wink as I was sooooooooooooooooooooo excited and I was over planning and over thinking. (As per usual)
I started finishing bagging my stuff up (I filled my car with my junk on the Tuesday so when I got the keys on Wednesday I was able to move that stuff out) and started putting it down by the door.
My housemate got up (hungover) and went to work.
I just concentrated on getting all my crap downstairs and ready. My friend Rita was helping me move. Her boyfriend has a van and she borrowed it for the day and helped me out.
When she arrived, we had a coffee and a chat. She bought me a really thoughtful gift. A lovely quirky cushion for my new settee that fits in perfectly. It says "New Future" on it which I thought was really appropriate.
Then we started filling the van up. Everything fit in perfectly. Literally. My parents yelled at me when I was a kid for playing Tetris a lot. Well, Mama and Daddy Rage, that Tetris training prepared me for the move!!!
The new place is literally 5 minutes from the old place. We got to the new place and soon unloaded the van
We then went back and had to do a run to the tip. I took my old bed and chest of drawers (both were broken) and there was some drama. The tip closest to us wouldn't allow us in as our vehicle was too high. So we had to go down the road 20 minutes.
It wasn't sign posted but in the end we managed to get it all dumped.
Throwing the old drawers and broken bed was so therapeutic!!! It was me getting rid of the past. When the last lot was dumped, I got into the van with Rita and cried.
I had to go back to the old house and clean the room, vacuum and get it looking good.
Rita gave me a hug and left.
I scrubbed, vacuumed and cleaned. The cat kept coming up to me. She knew that something was going on.
When I was loading the last bits into my car, the cat jumped in and refused to get out. Part of me wanted to take her with me but recently she has been shitting on the carpet. No thank you!
That's when I made a school girl error. I grabbed her, threw her in the house and shut the door. The door was one of these that once you shut it you are locked out. I had put my old house keys on the kitchen table. I forgot to get the internet equipment for my new place. Whoops! So I didn't have the clean getaway that I wanted.
My housemate finished work at 6 so I had wait until then. I went to my new place and started putting stuff away until 5:30 then drove back. Luckily my old housemate was in and I grabbed the internet equipment. She hugged me and told me that she hopes I'm happy in my new home. I politely hugged her back.
When I drove off, the knot in my stomach went. I felt true freedom.
I put the hot water on, put more stuff away and then I took a hot bath. It felt great to sink into the hot soapy water and feel my sore body relax.
I had an early night and slept like the dead! It was amazing!!
The next day I woke up in a state of is this real? It was. My new bed is comfy. The cable guy came over to put my internet in and get my TV sorted.
The next day Simon was supposed to come over and drop off the guinea pigs, the TV and the bits I left behind at the house in St Helens.
When I woke up, I looked at my phone and saw a text from Mr Wonderful. It read "Surprise! I'm coming over!". I kind of felt a bit irritated. I checked the time that he was due and it was going to be tight from when Simon was coming over to when his flight landed.
Simon was running really late. He was 45 minutes late. He was supposed to be at mine for 10:30. When he had his new girlfriend in tow. Awkward much?
Anyway, the guinea pigs were dropped off including the rest of my shoes, my vanity table, and other bits and pieces.
I got the pigs sorted and then ran to the airport to pick up Mr Wonderful. He was in a cafe and he greeted me by picking me up and swinging me around as he kissed me. It was lovely. He gibves the best hugs ever.
I had to go to the shop to pick up food for the guinea pigs. He picked up an expensive bottle of champagne, some wine, beer and food for the piggies. He then paid for it all. I told him that he shouldn't but he insisted.
When we got back to the flat we made love. We had a lovely weekend together. He literally paid for everything: my petrol for my car, food, drinks. I felt a bit embarrassed. I'm broke (7 more days until payday thank God!!!!!) but he didn't mind. I still felt awkward. I believe in a 50/50 relationship.
Anyway he left yesterday, I dropped him at the airport and came back to my new home. I started looking through a few bags that Simon brought over and I found my dildo. Yes, my ex boyfriend packed my dildo in the presence of his new girlfriend. That's not embarrassing....great....
So here I am. Dildo safely in my bedside cabinet. Everything is almost all put away. I have only £40 in my bank account to last me until payday. I have enough gas in my car to get me to work. I have never been more happy or felt more free. And so I know that I will be living on Pot Noodles for the next 7 days. But you know what? It's fucking worth it!!!
People at work are asking me about my housemate and how I feel and such. I have said the following: That is the past. I am not focusing on the past anymore. I am focusing on the future. I am focusing on being me, Betty Rage. I'm focusing on taking care of myself and making my future bright and amazing.
Since I have moved, I haven't stopped smiling. Things are failing into place and I am just feeling so free and relieved. I am watching football on my big TV. My guinea pigs are munching on apple and parsley. I am sipping a glass of moscato casually. It seems to mundane but to me this is freedom.
The price of freedom? I am broke for a week. But you know what? I don't care. I can walk around naked, take a bath when I want to but mostly, Simon has moved on and now so can I. That is priceless.
So normal business shall resume. The Betty from 5 years ago will be back, a little wiser but a hell of a lot more fabulous.
Yes, Ragers and Ragettes, the best is yet to come!!!
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
Tuesday 16 April 2019
On So Close to Freedom
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!
Well here we are. Last time I checked in with you it was 41 days until freedom. And here we are. 2 more days.
I look around my room and all cupboards are empty, all shelves are bare. It's real.
After the weirdest, craziest 18 months of my existence I get what I have wanted for a long time....freedom. My freedom.
Tomorrow after work, I get the keys to my new home. I have packed my car up already with quite a few bags and tomorrow morning I will load my seats with more bags so when I get the keys from the estate agent for my new place I will offload my car and effectively start moving.
Thursday is the big day. I close the book on this part of my life. I am feeling great now but as a friend of mine has said I am a different person than I was 18 months ago, but in 2 days I will be yet a different person than I am today.
I think that the biggest challenge for me has been to try and be happy for the last 56 days.
I think that as a society we always say, I'll be happy when I get that job. Or I will be happy when I lose this weight. Or I will be happy when I find the man of my dreams.
I don't want to wait to be happy. I want to be happy now. So I have tried for the last 56 days to be happy no matter what. It has been challenging but sometimes quite easy.
When I am alone in my room, listening to my music, or watching TV or writing, I am happy. I love writing and listening to music. I've watched a lot of great TV shows. It has been a coping strategy.
When I have been around my housemate, I have stayed guarded and kept our interactions to a minimum. We have had some fun times together. She has started drinking again. We went out a few times and had a laugh. But I have also found that when I drink to excess (and in this situation of being under pressure I have drunk to excess a few times) I get really, really depressed the next day. Even suicidal. I have done what I could to cope though. I have decided to cut my drinking back considerably to maybe 2 glasses a week.
But now I am breathing easy. I am smiling most days and enjoying work. I am working hard and to be honest right now I cannot comprehend the thought of having my own place.
It's been 5 years since I had my own home. I moved in with Simon and lived with him for 3 and a half years and the last 18 months I have drifted from place to place. This will be my 9th move in 2 years. That's fucked up.
But this time in 2 days I will be truly free. I will be able to walk around my new home in my underwear. I will be able to not be afraid that my food and booze will go missing. I can bask and enjoy the silence and not be afraid that at night the door to my bedroom bursting open and having the ravings of a drunk. I won't get panicky on my way back from work thinking what sort of mood is she in? Or when my phone goes, I won't think oh my God, is she going to be abusive?
Plus I will have my own parking space! Right now I have to leave work on time in order to get back to get a car parking space.
I can't wait to decorate my home the way I want to. I can't wait to be able to watch the football again. (Simon is kindly giving me the old TV. There is nothing wrong with it. He just got a bigger and sexier one) I can't wait to cook and not have to negotiate fridge space.
Money will be tight for about 6 weeks but you know what? I don't give a shit. I'll happily enjoy my lovely new home and not go out and socialize.
I know that in 2 days time I will walk a bit taller, smile a bit wider, and I'll be back to the Betty Rage I was when I started writing this blog.
It's funny how sometimes the wind gets taken out of our sails and it's funny how long it can take to get yourself back.
It's taken me 5 years. The last 18 months have almost broken me but they have also made me the strongest that I have ever been.
So Ragers and Ragettes, please don't wait to be happy. Try and find a little joy in each and every day. Even if it is the joy in each new sunrise. Or the fact that you woke up on time. Or the clouds making beautiful and strange shapes. Just find the joy that you can everyday and don't wait to be happy. Happiness can be yours daily.
So until next time, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx
Well here we are. Last time I checked in with you it was 41 days until freedom. And here we are. 2 more days.
I look around my room and all cupboards are empty, all shelves are bare. It's real.
After the weirdest, craziest 18 months of my existence I get what I have wanted for a long time....freedom. My freedom.
Tomorrow after work, I get the keys to my new home. I have packed my car up already with quite a few bags and tomorrow morning I will load my seats with more bags so when I get the keys from the estate agent for my new place I will offload my car and effectively start moving.
Thursday is the big day. I close the book on this part of my life. I am feeling great now but as a friend of mine has said I am a different person than I was 18 months ago, but in 2 days I will be yet a different person than I am today.
I think that the biggest challenge for me has been to try and be happy for the last 56 days.
I think that as a society we always say, I'll be happy when I get that job. Or I will be happy when I lose this weight. Or I will be happy when I find the man of my dreams.
I don't want to wait to be happy. I want to be happy now. So I have tried for the last 56 days to be happy no matter what. It has been challenging but sometimes quite easy.
When I am alone in my room, listening to my music, or watching TV or writing, I am happy. I love writing and listening to music. I've watched a lot of great TV shows. It has been a coping strategy.
When I have been around my housemate, I have stayed guarded and kept our interactions to a minimum. We have had some fun times together. She has started drinking again. We went out a few times and had a laugh. But I have also found that when I drink to excess (and in this situation of being under pressure I have drunk to excess a few times) I get really, really depressed the next day. Even suicidal. I have done what I could to cope though. I have decided to cut my drinking back considerably to maybe 2 glasses a week.
But now I am breathing easy. I am smiling most days and enjoying work. I am working hard and to be honest right now I cannot comprehend the thought of having my own place.
It's been 5 years since I had my own home. I moved in with Simon and lived with him for 3 and a half years and the last 18 months I have drifted from place to place. This will be my 9th move in 2 years. That's fucked up.
But this time in 2 days I will be truly free. I will be able to walk around my new home in my underwear. I will be able to not be afraid that my food and booze will go missing. I can bask and enjoy the silence and not be afraid that at night the door to my bedroom bursting open and having the ravings of a drunk. I won't get panicky on my way back from work thinking what sort of mood is she in? Or when my phone goes, I won't think oh my God, is she going to be abusive?
Plus I will have my own parking space! Right now I have to leave work on time in order to get back to get a car parking space.
I can't wait to decorate my home the way I want to. I can't wait to be able to watch the football again. (Simon is kindly giving me the old TV. There is nothing wrong with it. He just got a bigger and sexier one) I can't wait to cook and not have to negotiate fridge space.
Money will be tight for about 6 weeks but you know what? I don't give a shit. I'll happily enjoy my lovely new home and not go out and socialize.
I know that in 2 days time I will walk a bit taller, smile a bit wider, and I'll be back to the Betty Rage I was when I started writing this blog.
It's funny how sometimes the wind gets taken out of our sails and it's funny how long it can take to get yourself back.
It's taken me 5 years. The last 18 months have almost broken me but they have also made me the strongest that I have ever been.
So Ragers and Ragettes, please don't wait to be happy. Try and find a little joy in each and every day. Even if it is the joy in each new sunrise. Or the fact that you woke up on time. Or the clouds making beautiful and strange shapes. Just find the joy that you can everyday and don't wait to be happy. Happiness can be yours daily.
So until next time, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx
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