Sunday, 4 February 2018

On A New Home and Letting Go

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

It's a frosty morning.  I am getting sick of this.  I'm wearing my fleecy, furlined sweater with my velour jammies.  Yes I am still in my jammies.  it's Sunday.  I'm 36 years old and I seriously don't give a shit.  Sadly, the pervert is blasting his shitty old man music again.  i seriousy want to kick him in the balls.  He makes me angry. 

Well, I viewed some rooms and I chose one.  The little bedsit because the mansion was very clinical.  The guy showing me around was nice and one of the housemates accompanied him like a little puppy.  It felt like if this housemate slipped up or didn't stop smiling, the landlord was going to chop his hands off.  Creepy.  Plus the stairs didn't have a banister and it was open so there were no walls on either sides of those stairs.  The room was nice but I didn't get a good feeling.

The bedsit was in a warm house, unlike this one.  It was on the bottom floor.  There is a toilet and sink. 

The decor?  It's hideous.  Like really hideous.  The landlady?  I wouldn't get molested or perved over.  It's safe and warm.  No street parking.  I could park my car on a driveway.  It seems nice.

I put my deposit through.  And I thought everything was boxed off until yesterday.

I get my nails done at a gorgeous salon in Cheshire.  It is owned by my manager's sister. Footballer's wives go there.  The Housewives of Cheshire go there.  It's a lovely place with silver glitter walls and lovely, chic furnishings. 

My manager's sister is lovely.  She looks exactly like my manager.  They could be twins!!  Both are sweet, ridiculously pretty, rich and easy to talk to. 

The manager's mother is the cleaner and one day I was discussing with her about my issues with living with the pervert. 

Anyway yesterday, I went into the salon to get my weekly re balance of my talons and my manager's sister said, Betty I heard that you are looking for a new place to live?

I said, I was, I found a new room to rent.

She smiled and said, well my husband and own a flat and we are looking for a new tenant.  I raised my eyebrows.  She told me the monthly cost.  It was roughly the same as what I am paying while living with the pervert.  It's a 2 bedroom penthouse apartment.  It is part furnished (all I would need to buy is a sofa and a bed).  It comes with a washing machine and a tumble dryer.  It's in a lovely little village in a posh area.  She wouldn't want a deposit.  Or references. 

Now, I am in 2 minds about this. 

The houseshare is safe.  It's easy and warm. 

This is my own space.  My own little place.  No nosy housemates asking what I am doing, where I am going. I hope to view it this week. 

It's funny what life throws at you.  It really is. 

Because this has now thrown up something that I don't want to face but I have to.

I have to speak to Simon about the house.  I am going to have to grow the balls to get my name off the house.  But I am going to take legal advice first.  If I can get some money from the house, make him buy me out, that would be ideal.  I don't know what I am entitled to.

That part is the easy part.  It took me almost a year to break up with Simon.  The reason why I am treading carefully and I am a bit reluctant to do this is because we are getting along so well.  Even better than when we were together.

And if Simon feels he has been wronged, he can become really vindictive and nasty.  But this needs to happen. 

The other part is closing the door.  I have been going down to see him every weekend (for the guinea pigs) and this is the part that I am struggling with. 

It's a routine.  I am used to doing this.  The hardest part is letting go.  I need to let go.

This year has a lot of promise and a lot of wonderful things that can and will happen.  I need to cut the ties and let go because that is the only way I can move forward.

I don't want to never hear from him again.  I want to still talk to him but I want to start to have a life. 

So on Thursday night (I have Friday off, I am changing my hair!!) I am going to have to talk to him, present him my findings (I have taken some legal advice previously but I want a final opinion) and I want to get my name off the house and be set free finally.

It's getting the strength to let go.  A wise person once said, freedom comes when you learn to let go.  So this week, that is what I am going to do.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes.  Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love,

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

Sunday, 21 January 2018

On Movin' on Up

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

It's a cold day here in south Manchester.  Brrr!!!  We had snow today so I am wrapped up in a fur lined fleece and a pair of pajama bottoms. 

Well we are well and truly into 2018 now.  I have wanted to write for ages so but I had so many ideas swirling around.

Well last night I realised that I need to get out of the self pity mode.  I took a look around and realised that I can definitely do better with my life at this point.

I don't have enough money to get my own place yet.  But last night when I was meditating, my housemate who I have dubbed "Chester the Molester" (because he tried it on with me) decided to crank his music up full blast at 10pm. 

I don't have an issue with music but I don't like his music.  And I was meditating.  When you share a home with someone you need to be respectful.  I have house shared before.  You respect each other.  Even when I have lived in houses where the owner of the house was a house mate you have respect for each other.  Plus none of the people I lived with tried it on with me.

That was the moment that I realised that I can do better. 

So I started looking for new house shares.  I found 5 that fit the bill.  And that are cheaper because Chester the Molester decided to not specify that the bills were not included.  So I am paying more that I thought I would.  Not nice!!

When I moved in he seemed ok.  Now, he is a terror.  Ever since that night when he tried to put his hands up my shirt and kiss me, he has been relentless and irritating.

He bothers me.  For example during the weekend I tend to keep myself to my self.  I stay in my room and read, write and do what I need to do.  Every 5 minutes he bangs on the door, Betty do you want to go out for a walk.  Betty, do you want something to eat.  Betty, come see this (and usually it is something that is stupid or unimportant).  He doesn't listen. 

Last night for example I got in after getting my hair blow dried and my nails done, I came in and told him that I was busy and I did't want to be disturbed as I was working. 

What does he do?  Knocks on the door.  Betty, I'm going out for dinner do you want to come with me.  I respond no.  He then continues to push.  I'm going for a curry.  I reply No, I have work to do.  He pushes again.  Betty I will be all by myself.  I responded then enjoy yourself.   I shut the door then. 

That was a mild exchange.  Usually he is whinier and pushier.  The guy doesn't understand no.  I wonder if any female lodgers had to deal with the same crap of being pushed, bullied and whined at....I wonder if he has tried it on with other women before or tried to force himself on people.

Also the house is cold.  Very cold.  Even if you put the heating on it's freezing.  I constantly wear fleeces, also to cover myself up.  I don't want him to see me or to be molested again. 

I feel like I need to put a huge lock on the door.  I genuinely feel like if he has too much to drink one night he will force his way into my room and try to molest me.  I don't trust him.

So on Tuesday night I am viewing 2 house shares.  One is a "bedsit".  The room looks like a hotel room.  It has a patio door that opens out into the garden.  It's a hell of a lot cheaper than here and in the same area.  Not too bad.

The second one is the favorite. It's in an actual mansion.  A 7 bedroomed mansion.  It's L shaped and the room I am looking at is secluded.  The room next to it is occupied by a pilot who is out a lot.  We'd be sharing that bathroom.  The house as a room with a pool table.  The kitchen looks gorgeous.  There is a huge back garden.  And it's still cheaper than what I pay here.  And the bills are definitely included.  (I've asked and had written confirmation)

So I am viewing those 2 on Tuesday.  Luckily for me pay day is on the Wednesday so I can sleep on it and if I like either of them I will be transferring a deposit.  And I can give me notice to Chester the Molester and get out of this situation once and for all.  Block him completely and get ready to start saving my cash.

I have a few financial goals for this year.  Firstly, save as much money as possible.  I want to get my own place, like buy my own place. 

Not a huge silly house like in Simon and I did.  But a cute, quirky apartment.  I found a few.

So I am ready now to let go and be happy.  I passed my probation at work.  They like me so I am more determined to get the life that I have always dreamed of as they reward hard work and loyalty.

So Ragers and Ragettes, it's time to start Movin' on Up!!  Second best is no longer allowed.  Mediocrity is no longer the status quo. 

Who knows, this time next week I might have secured a place in a mansion.....

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep you head and standards high and your heels even higher. 

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage  xxxxxx

Sunday, 24 December 2017

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Here I am Ragers and Ragettes, in my childhood bedroom.  Listening to the Beatles surrounded by photos of me, my sister and my family.

The carpet has changed from cornflower blue to cream.  My writing desk from when I was a little girl is gone too (which is sad.  My Italian granddad sanded, varnished and customized it for me.) replaced by a smaller one.

A photo of me when I was 2 years old, blonde with a cheeky smile is staring down at me. 

So much has changed.  My homeland has changed.  Even in the last 12 months.

And as you all know, the last 12 months for me...well, there you go.

Being away has been good for me.  I spent $500 in Sephora (I had too!  It's makeup!!!!!!!!  Give a girl a break!!!!  And Fenty Beauty Stunna and Gloss bomb, I totally recommend!!) on new foundation and other bits.  Yes, I love, love make up. 

I met up with a friend of mine for our yearly catch up.  She is autistic and works with animals.  I like meeting up with her because there is no drama.  Yesterday it was different as she was quiet.  She had a hard year too.  She's on medication and the medication stopped working.  She looked like a shell of what she usually is.  I hugged her and told her that it was going to be ok.  I am here for her always. 

It has been hard this time around.  Not because of the last 3 months but because mama Rage isn't well.  Mama Rage is now officially disabled.  The bones in her feet are mashed up.  She is in constant pain.  She can't walk unaided.  She has a walker for upstairs and a cane for down stairs.  Even when she uses the cane she struggles, badly.  She winces because of the pain.

We went to Macy's and I had to push her around in a wheelchair.  I laughed and joked about it but my heart was breaking.  So to take my mind off of this, I did the one thing that made me happy.  I wheeled her around Macy's and we looked at fashion.

My grandma (mama's mom) used to be a seamstress to very wealthy people in the old country.  Mama used to model her designs and other designers creations.  So fashion is in my blood.

We looked at blouses, skirts and found that we have a lot in common in regards to fashion and style.  We both like the vintage 1950's designs.  The structured blouses, blazers, pencil skirts (I found 2 Versace inspired  pencil skirts that I need to go back and get!!) brooches and red lippy.  Yes, I am truly my Mama's daughter.  (I really wish Suzanne was with us!!!!!!)

But that worries me.  You see, her condition is genetic (osteoporosis and osteoarthritis) and if I don't get control of my eating and my life that could be me.  At the age of 69 being wheeled around.

So the pity party is now over.  Yes, Simon and I have broken up.  Yes, I moved out.  Yes I have an awesome new job.

Time to pull my head out of my ass and look forwards, not back. 

As I look at photos of my teenage self, eyes full of hope, I can't let her down.  I need to take control of my eating and my exercise.  I have been drinking a lot recently and that worries me.  I have slowed it down a lot since I have been out here.

Seeing Mama Rage in the state she is in has scared me shitless.  I have to make changes.  I have to.

So today I am taking control back.  Today I am fighting for my life.  My future.  My happiness.

So on this night before Christmas, I am going into the big day determined to be the best that I can be.  To fight to take care of my body and my mental health.  To treat my body like a temple.  To learn from my mother's mistakes.  To not have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair.  Also surrounding myself with good people.  People like Suzanne. 

So tonight, Ragers and Ragettes, look to the future with hope. Don't be sad.  If you are religious, the hope of Christmas day, the story is a promise of a new beginning.  A new way of doing things. 

If you are not religious, Christmas does have a magical feel to it.  I know a lot of people say that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people too.  This Christmas I hope that we can be kind, loving, patient, understanding and let the magic of the day fill our hearts with love.

So to new starts, a hopeful future and love to you all, Ragers and Ragettes.  Thank you for reading my posts and supporting me.  I love you all.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I wish you all a fabulously amazing 2018

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

Monday, 18 December 2017

On Surviving

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

One week until Christmas.  Can you believe it?  It's chilly here in Manchester.  Brrrrrr!!!  I'm wearing my jogging bottoms and hoodie.  My housemate's house isn't the warmest.  It's an older home.  He has 2 fireplaces and even with them both on and the central heating, it's not warm at all!!!

But this situation is very much temporary.  Save my cash so I can get my own place.  That is the plan!!

Well, work is going from strength to strength.  For the first time in my whole career I have been treated like an actual manager!!  They listen to me.  I place my orders and they trust me.  Last Thursday I spoke to the Commercial director and he said my probation is a formality.  They want me to stay on permanently.  They also want to send me to China for a week to see how the product is made and such.  And it's actually going to happen.  They are securing my Visa after the Christmas break.  I should be going over in March.

I actually love my job.  I can see myself staying here, in the company and this area for a long while.  It's very posh here.  I feel like a scruff most days.  But the village is quaint and cute.

My housemate has't tried anything funny recently.  I do give him the goddess eyebrow a lot so I think that he has taken my resting bitch face as a do not even think about it you pervert sign.  Which is fine with me.

Right now, I am surviving,  Jan has now left the UK for good and I know that I will never hear from him again.  How does that make me feel?  I don't know.

I feel empty.  Sad.  I have so much to be happy about but right now I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream.  I want to cry until I puke.  I want to see him one more time.  I want to take is hand and tell him that I miss him.  I want him to touch my face again and tell me that I am his princess.  I want to hit him, kick him, kiss, him, fuck him, scream at him, cry in his arms.  I want him to hold me and tell me that it will be ok.

I know it will be ok.  I know it will.  But getting to that point will take time.

The weekend before last I went to a spa weekend with my friend and her brat of a daughter.  There I was on Saturday morning waiting for my pedicure.  Simon messaged me (he has messaged me loads since I left.  It's ok we are keeping it civil and we are getting along better now than we were when we were together) and I burst into tears.  My heart actually hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe.  There I was in my bathrobe, no pants on in this heavenly spa just crying. When the beauty therapist came out she had her plastered on smile and she kept asking, with that same fake smile, if I wanted her to stop the pedicure.  I ended up spilling everything to her. 

Her fake smile faded and I found a kindred spirit.  The week before she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years.  They have a child together and in fairness her boyfriend was being a fuckwit.  He was acting irresponsibly. She also found some photos on his phone (he apparently was one of these sick bastards that likes to take photos up women's skirts)  and she called it a day.  (and rightly so!!!)  She was stronger than I was.  I was blubbing like a baby.  But it felt good.

I haven't really been able to talk about this with many people.  I spoke to Suzanne but I feel like a shithead for doing that.  She has so much on her plate now.  I bet she wants to punch me and tell me to get the fuck over it.  I'm trying, I really am, Suzanne.

The truth of the matter is that I feel like total shit.  I feel like I am a zombie who is just surviving day to day. 

I laugh at the right time, I smile at the right time.  I compliment at the right time.  Inside I am being shredded to pieces. 

My work husband has picked up on this.  He's been lovely.  He's been trying to make me laugh.  He gives me hugs.  He says I am here if you need to talk.  I've said it once and I will say it again, when I get the strength to get out and date again, I pray that I get someone like him.  Him and Suzanne have helped me so much.

So here I am.  In 2 days I fly back to my homeland to face my Italian Mama with her snarky comments and opinions on my life.  "Why are you always tattooing yourself?  Stop getting piercings.  When are you going to get married? Simon was such a nice guy why didn't you over look his bad points? (she actually said that once about an ex of mine that couldn't keep his dick in his pants)  And my personal favorite, "Betty, have you had surgery, your boobs look bigger than last time."  Mothers....

I am not looking forward to this but in some ways I need the hug from my crazy mama.  Her craziness is maybe what I need now to get through this.

Roll on 2018.  I cannot wait to leave this shit year behind and move on

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Sunday, 3 December 2017

On Christmas Tree Decorating

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

Today is a cool day here in south Manchester.  Today I decided to go and see Suzanne to help her put her Christmas tree up.

My new dress was delivered yesterday so I wore that (a cream colored Bardot style sweater dress)n teamed with my knee high tan block heeled boots, gold hoops and gold rings.  I think I looked ok!

I got to Suzanne's and her house looked like Christmas came early!!  Festive wreaths, ribbons, glitter, it was magical!!  Suzanne loves Christmas.  When I took her to the Christmas market last week, her eyes lit up like a child's.  Her smile (which lights a room up anyway) was the biggest I ever saw!!  She looked so happy!!!!

I sat down and we talked.  She showed me all her decorations for the tree.  As we were chatting a huge wave of sadness washed over me.  The tears started to flow.

I spilled everything and I mean everything out to Suzanne.  The feelings of guilt, sadness and fear.  My tears flowed, my words just came tumbling out.  Suzanne listened.  She let me spill all my fears, feelings and all the pent up emotions.  It was cathartic.

After I spilled my feelings out, she calmly said, it's going to get better, Betty.  She took my hand and said it's going to get better.  It's ok to feel how you feel. 

She soothed my mind and I felt so much better.  She held me and gave me the hug I have needed for the last 2 months. 

Everything has been getting to me.  Recently it has been Simon.  You see, I keep saying it, but Simon's business is on borrowed time.  Next year, he is going to most likely lose it all.  And I feel guilty.  I don't want him to fail or his business to fail.  I'd never wish failure on anyone.

I feel helpless as I wish that there was a way I could help him out.  Suzanne said, I had bailed him out so many times while he put his head in the ground.  She's right.  I don't know what else I can do but pray.

I am struggling with everything right now.  Plus my pervy housemate keeps trying to hug me.  So I am even more determined to get out of this house.  I'm saving every penny I can!!

I know that things now are not the best and as I said to Suzanne, I know that this time next year things will be 100% better.  I will be in a new house.  My career will be going from strength to strength and I will be stronger mentally.  It's just getting to that point.

Suzanne has been the only person who has actually listened to me.  Who hasn't bullied me, brow beaten me, or made me feel inadequate.  She hasn't spat out platitudes.  She's been sincere and what I need now.

After I stopped crying we started to decorate the tree.  Christmas music playing in the background, laughing and joking with Suzanne, it was like the last 2 months hadn't happened. 

We put the lights up first (4 sets!  2 colored, 2 white and one of each were blinking lights) and then we put a beautiful green and red ribbon around the tree.  I had never used a ribbon as a garland before!!  Then we started decorating the tree.  Colorful baubles, icicle shaped ornaments, candy canes, the tree started looking colorful and cheery!!

Then Suzanne put the last 3 ornaments which were so special and precious to her.  She stepped back and turned the lights in the room off.  The tree shone proudly.  Suzanne got teary and so did I!!  For a few minutes there was magic in my life again.  I hugged Suzanne and told her how much I love her and that I am so grateful for her.  I didn't want that moment to end...ever.

So here I am in my room.  My candles on, music playing.  Smiling as I think back to this day. 

It has truly been a bright spot in a time of darkness for me.  I will get through this.

I will come out stronger.  This is a blip and it won't last forever.  I know it won't.  So I'll treasure perfect days like today.   Because in this cold world, there is always Suzanne.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Friday, 1 December 2017

On Post Break Up Feelings

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold Friday here in South Manchester.  Today I am wearing my sparkly red belted sweater with my bootcut jeans (which feel rather loose, my belt has gone to the next notch up), my cowboy boots and my red matte lippy firmly in place.
I have wanted to write about a lot of things recently.  A lot has happened.  But there are a lot of issues going on in my head.
Breaking up as the hardest thing I have ever done.  Moving house and starting a new job thrown on top?  Yeah, I appear calm on the surface but deep down inside I am a glorified mess.
My appetite is gone (great for the waistline!), I’m tired and I burst into tears for no reason at any time.  Great.
You see, in my head, I thought that I would just get up, leave, and forget.  My life would all of sudden become so much better.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in a better place in my career.  I love my job.  I really love it!  I have never felt so satisfied in a job before!!!  My new place to live is odd but it is 2 miles from work, it is temporary and thank fuck I have a lock on the door because I think my housemate might be a pervy sort of bloke, more about that later.
It’s the nothingness I feel that I think that is getting to me.  Last Friday Suzanne and I went to the Christmas market and had a great time.  And on that day I got chatted up by 2 men!!!  One who was younger than me and one that is covered in tattoos and has a crow tattooed on his face.  Nice.  And you know, usually I wold have been like, wow, people find me attractive.
But I just don’t give a shit.  My libido is gone.  Completely.  (Which isn’t like me).  And it’s been ages since I last had sex, I don’t even remember how it feels anymore.  The thought of anyone touching me sexually right now makes me feel physically sick.
I think the worst bit of this all is that I don’t know if I am doing this right.  I am feeling a lot of bad feelings.  I had a horrible thought about 10 minutes ago of just ending it.  I don’t know what brought that thought on.  So I did the only thing that I could.  I bought myself a cute sweater dress online just so I could have something to look forward to. 
I feel a lot of anxiety.  I feel displaced.  I feel like I don’t have a home.  I have the house and the new place where I am living now.  But they don’t feel permanent. 
I know that things will get better.  I know that it is darkest before dawn and all that sentimental shit.  I get it.  But I want to have a huge cry.  I want to have a meltdown of toddler proportions.  You know, stomp my feet, scream, throw things, break dishes, just release it. 
I feel bad about talking to people about it.  I mean people have their own shit to deal with.  Right?  Why should they take on my shit too?  I have always gotten through things by myself.  This time, I am struggling.  Like really struggling.
And to make matters worse, I heard from Jan.  He is moving back to Denmark.  When I got that news, I was in Manchester waiting for Suzanne last Friday.  I jumped into the nearest pub and bought 2 shots of vodka and a pint.  I downed both shots and drank my pint so quickly. 
You see, I always thought that one day he’d come for me on his white horse wearing a white button up shirt undone exposing his strong chest.  He’d lift me up on the horse and we would live happily ever after in Copenhagen in our stylish minimalistic house.  We’d both cycle to work, wear matching sweaters, drink wine, go out with our stylish friends…but I was obviously deluded. 
He is leaving and my heart broke again.  I know that this is the best thing.  This chapter has to close once and for all.  But I am hurting.  I’m hurting bad.  I feel shell shocked.
The men that are currently in my life are disappointments.  I have Simon (we still talk most days as friends) who to this day I have to still remind to do things (yes I should let go of that).  He still makes me laugh.  But the girl that is working in the office with him I think has started to make a move on him even though she has a boyfriend.
I started getting messages about me coming back to the house and what days are best because she is taking him out to dinner and she is doing this, that and the other with him.  And yes, you read that right.  SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.  She does this though to her girlfriends.  She’ll be inappropriate with other their partners, most of the time in front of her boyfriend.  I don’t give a shit because Simon and I are both single now.  He can fuck who he wants.  I guess that I am angry because her boyfriend is a friend of mine.  He’s a genuinely lovely man and deserves the best.  She doesn’t deserve him at all.
Then there is my housemate who last Saturday tried to shove his tongue down my throat and put his hands up my top.  I stopped that straight away.  Ever since then he has been super nice.  Last night he hugged me a bit too tight though.  Thank God there is a lock on my bedroom door.
But then there is my work husband.  He seems to be the most dependable.  Yes, he has a girlfriend and he takes care of her 2 children as his own.  He keeps fit, cycles to work every day, and he’s building a bar in his garden.  (I’ve been helping him with d├ęcor ideas)  He loves football, music and has a positive attitude.  He’s a lovely guy.  He’s hugged me a few times.  And in those few moments, I felt like some of the pieces have clicked back together.  Now I don’t think I have feelings for him.  He is just a friend.  And that’s how I want it to stay.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.  No fucking workmates.  And he is a colleague that I have to work the closest with.  We work in the same office, just the 2 of us.  We take care of each other by making sure that we are drinking enough water and in the insanely busy moments we are ok.  And he has a girlfriend so he is totally off limits. 
I hope though in time that when I do get back out there and this veil of darkness that is over my head lifts, maybe just maybe I’ll find someone as wonderful as my work husband. 
I don’t know.  All I know is that this feeling sucks.  I wish I could pack it up in a box and send it to Abu Dhabi.  I don’t want to feel yucky anymore.  And no matter how many platitudes I get, and all the “you’ll be ok, you’re strong”, and “you won’t be single long”, and my personal favorite, “You need to go out and dance and get drunk!”  Firstly I hate dancing unless it is my house to ELO (damn you ELO for making such catchy songs!!!) mostly in my undies and secondly surely I know what is best for me?  Just a thought!  I feel like no one really understands how I feel.  And the worst bit I feel that nobody cares.  I’m tired of coming across as the Teflon woman.  For once I want to be vulnerable, scared and I want to be able to cry and cry and not get preached at. 
But I know that these feelings and my place of residence are all temporary.  So I am just taking it one day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  Great times are ahead.  I know it.
Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn.  But when the dawn breaks, wow!  What a gorgeous sight it truly is!!!
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Sunday, 12 November 2017

On Being Young(ish) Free, Single and A Stressful Weekend

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Well here I am sitting in my new home.  It's a lovely room and I have started putting my touches on it.  The bedding set is gun metal grey with sequins everywhere!!!  I bought some Yankee Silver Candles and I have pretty much put away most of my things.  I'm getting there.  There are a few bags that I need time to actually go through properly.

Well, from my last post, I officially started my new job 2 weeks ago.  On my first day, I was nervous.  I felt like I was out of my depth.

As it is in the beauty industry, the bar for beauty standards is quite high.  A few of the girls that work there (including the CEO) have had a load of cosmetic surgery done. 

I'm not going to mess with my face (but I will be getting my boobs done, that's non-negotiable!) but seeing these glamorous women, it actually encourages me to raise the bar on my own glamorousness.  So I am experimenting with my makeup, my hair, and my clothing.  I am looking more polished, I am highlighting and contouring more, and I am feeling better in myself.

But on day 2 I met the warehouse manager and everything became ok.  Aiden (real names are not used to protect the innocent) has proven to be a fantastic work colleague and friend.  We have joked that he is my work husband.  And he has a nickname for me because I drink a lot of water out of a pink sparkly cup that has a mermaid on it.  So he calls me Aquamarina.  (it's after a show from the 1960's)  There is nothing funny going on.  He has a girlfriend and 2 kids.  But we do have a good laugh in the office.

There is a lot of work to be done.  But it is what I need now.

Yesterday I moved into my new home.  Simon helped me move.  After we moved all my stuff into my new place, we were driving back to the house so I could pick my car up, and you could taste the tension....the words unsaid that we are too frightened to say.  I opened my mouth several times to say something but I couldn't bare to say the words.  We are over and we have to move on.

When I took one last look through the house, I walked downstairs and said it's time for me to go now.  I hugged him and we both sobbed.  I told him to be strong but I was falling to pieces.  I held him, my shoulder getting soaked with his tears and his shoulder getting soaked with mine. We held each other for about 5 minutes...sobbing uncontrollably.  Letting go but still not saying what needed to be said. 

I finally broke away and got into my car.  I blasted my music all the way to my new place.  Sobbing still.

When I got in, my new housemate greeted me.  I started getting unpacked.  He left me to it.  I then went out and bought something to eat and a cheeky bottle of wine.  When I got in I opened the bottle and we spoke.  I learned more about him.

He's a Jewish gentleman and he has his own business in Manchester city centre.  We have a lot in common:  We both love foreign films, football, good food, history, reading and we both just want to get on with life.

I have made myself single on social media, announced that I left St Helens and people are asking me if I am ok.

Well, I'll tell you how I am.  I think I am ok.  Yesterday I cried loads.  I held my pity party. Today?  It doesn't feel real.  So I am distracting myself by cleaning my room up, getting things sorted and organised, throwing out old things I don't need and making lists of things that I want in my bedroom (new curtains, a new rug, some nice decorations, more candles - I really love candles!!) but I know that there will come a point where I will crash spectacularly.  I will properly lose it.  And I am ok with that.  I need to get this all out into the open so I can move on with my life. 

I'm just taking things moment by moment and day by day.  I have learned a lot from the last 3 and a half years.  I know what I don't want and more importantly I know what I do want.

So I will undoubtedly be posting more in the coming days.  I'm processing and trying to heal.  That's all I can do.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage