Wednesday, 9 August 2017

On The Belgian Part 2

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a grey day here in Manchester.  It’s humid and yucky.  Blow drying my hair is taking longer than normal and that pisses me off.  

Today I am wearing my grey bodycon with the black side panels, my black stilettos, red lippy with my hair super sleek.  

Well, from last time I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I reached out to The Belgian.  And he responded.  

He has broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years.  She was in love with another man the whole relationship while with the Belgian.  This man has divorced and she wants to be with him.  The Belgian moved out and is trying to pick up the pieces.  But drama struck yesterday.  Major drama.  His ex is now pregnant.  She says that it is the Belgian’s.  The Belgian thinks it’s his but my female intuition says get a DNA test.  

We have been chatting.  And I will admit, the feelings rushed back.  I keep thinking back to that day in Dublin city center.  His sparkling blue eyes.  Those lips….God, I have fantasised about where those lips would go on my body. 

But he’s just broken up with his girlfriend.  She’s now knocked up.  And he is horny as hell.  He started demanding nudes so I sent him a photo of my nude lippies.  (yes, I do have nude lippies!! Do NOT ever send naked pictures.  It will bite you in the ass!)  He keeps talking about how he wants me to fly over and have a dirty weekend.

Firstly, I am still with Simon.  Yes, the relationship will probably end in the next 2 months.  But out of respect for him, and respect for myself cheating is not on the menu….ever.

Secondly, although the sex would be mind blowing, probably the best I have ever had he’s just broken up with his girlfriend.  And post breakup sex is rarely good.  And I don’t want to be the “in-between girl”.  It’s very one sided.  He wants sex, I want love.

In between the horniness there have been dark messages.  He’s destroyed.  And when he started picking up the pieces, she dropped the pregnancy bombshell on him.   So he is a mess.  My heart does go out to him.  He doesn’t want to go back to her for the sake of the baby.  He feels trapped.  And I get that.  

But actions have consequences.  He stuck his dick in her and that’s what happens when you don’t use protection.  Simple as.  

So I have operating on friend mode.  I’ve been checking on him to make sure he’s ok and that he doesn’t do anything stupid.  I have had feelings for him for 10 years.  And to see him distraught it’s painful for me.  I wish that I could reach through the phone and hold him and wipe his tears away.  I wish that I could hug him so tightly that the broken pieces stick back together.  But I cannot.  

I have a few crosses to bare of my own.  As I stated earlier I am going to end the relationship with Simon.  It has run its course.  I’m not happy.  I haven’t been for a while.  

And I am not happy in my current situation either.  My job is ok.  It’s not a job for life.  It’s a temporary contract anyway so I will need to leave at some point.  My apartment is small, in the middle of nowhere and still reeks of curry.   (The person who lived there before me cooked curries constantly and the stench hasn’t left.)  The apartment has been good for what I needed it for, though.  A place for me to get my head sorted and start figuring it all out.  It’s quiet and in the middle of nowhere

But when my lease is up in October, I will be leaving.   And hopefully leaving the area of Manchester that I live.  There is nothing for me here.  

The ball is rolling and I feel that a change of job will happen soon.  I have a phone interview today after work for a company that I temped for when I lost my job.  They are based in Liverpool City Center and they have a branch in Manchester City Center.  This appeals to me so much.  Plus I have an interview tomorrow for an exciting role the next town over and after that I have a meeting with a recruitment agency that have a position for a job that I am very interested in.  The money is more than what I am on.  I’m getting calls and emails for jobs and I feel quite pleased about that.  I feel like I am gaining momentum.

If the phone interview goes well today, I will get an interview on Friday with the Finance director so the next few days, hopefully, I will box something off and leave this part of my life behind me forever.  

Before I break up with Simon, I have to suss out the house situation.  So I need to get time with a solicitor to discuss my mortgage and contract for the house.  We bought this house and my name is on the mortgage and the house deed.  Either Simon will have to buy me out or we will have to put the house up for sale.  I would rather have Simon buy me out.  I didn’t contribute a penny to the house and to be honest I don’t want a penny back.  I just want my freedom.  I don’t feel hatred towards him.   He’s just not right for me.  I have changed a lot these last few months and he’s stood still.  My priorities have changed and his priority is still his business and I don’t begrudge him that.  The business is his baby.  I want more than just being a part time girlfriend.

When I leave Simon, I want to be by myself and focus on me.  I want to continue with my good work at the gym, continue eating right.  I want to be the best that I can be.  And if Mr Right comes along that is fine too. 

So, I do understand how the Belgian feels trapped.  I too feel trapped.  But freedom comes when you learn to let go.  And I have a lot to let go of.  The next few months will be a challenge.  So it’s time to get up, put my red lippy on, adjust my crown and get on with it!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

On the Belgian

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  It’s July and the skies over Manchester are cloudy.  I’m wearing black trousers and a black cardi with a blush coloured sleeveless blouse with my black stilettos.  I should be in a sundress.  Not trousers.  Sigh.

From my last post, I was down as I am living a double life and I still feel that I am not meant for the real world.  I still feel that at times.  I look back at photos of me with my turquoise bob and my nose ring.  I sometimes wish I was still that girl.  This feeling of being lost and alone has led to some strange thoughts.

My night time routine recently has gone something like this. I leave work at 5pm promptly (at my job they kick you out at 5pm.  They are big on work/life balance).  It takes me about a half an hour to get to my little apartment.  I get in, take my make up off, cook my dinner, write and I’m in bed by 7pm.  I watch TV on my tablet or read a book.  I try to start my sleep routine for 8:30pm.  I listen to a meditation track.  I usually drift off at this point.  My sleep has been pretty good I must admit. 

I have been watching a lot of foreign TV Shows.  I get lost in them.  There is something sexy about being drawn into a high stakes poker game in Switzerland or being caught up in a drug deal in Amsterdam.  I fall in love with the characters.  In one of the shows I watched I fell so deeply in love with one of the characters that when he was shot and killed, I cried, as if I was mourning the death of my lover.  I even cried at work over it!!!!!  

I am concerned as I feel like my concept of reality is going by the wayside and that the little world in my head will consume me.

And recently I have been thinking about The Belgian.

The Belgian is a ghost from my past.  When I lived in Dublin, Ireland, I worked with him. 

I remember the first day we met.  It was his first day of work and he took my safety coat to go in the warehouse. I was wearing a white sweater that was shedding.  He was wearing a black sweater.  When he came back up, he took the safety coat off to find that his black sweater was covered with the white fluff from my sweater.  He looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and with his thick accent he said, you’ve gone all over my body.  We both laughed and from then on we became good friends. 

He lived close to me and he used to walk me home every night after work.  We had the same sick, twisted sense of humour.  We watched the same shows.  At the time I was with my ex fiancée and he was dating a German girl who was rather odd.  I would never have put the two of them together.  She was so serious and he was so light hearted and carefree.    

When my ex fiancée and I went to Turkey for our friend’s wedding, he happened to be on vacation in Turkey at the same time.  We didn't plan it like that.  We met up and had a laugh.  My ex fiancée and the Belgian’s girlfriend were kind of on the sidelines because we spent the whole night laughing at jokes and being silly. 

My ex fiancée and I argued about it on the way back to our hotel.  He thought that I was having an affair with The Belgian.  I wasn’t.  We were just good friends. 

When I broke up with the ex fiancée, The Belgian was there for me.  He texted me made sure that I was ok.  He listened and didn't judge.  Sympathized at how the ex cheated on me.  He wiped away my tears and made me laugh.

One Saturday he took me out for a day out in Dublin city center.  I remember it being a cloudy day. His girlfriend brought along a friend of hers and kind of left me and the The Belgian on our own as the Belgian hated her friend.

It was a weird, but fun day and it distracted me from the break up.  He was making me laugh and I soon found myself getting lost in his blue eyes.  I started to fantasize about kissing his full lips.  (He seriously has the biggest, sexiest lips I have ever seen in my life!!!)  My body tingled when he hugged me goodbye.

He was still with his girlfriend.  So I kept my feelings and thoughts in check.  I valued his friendship so much.  But I also wanted to cross that line.  

Then I left Ireland in 2008 and came to Manchester.  We still kept in touch by email.  He ended up moving to Switzerland because his girlfriend got a job there.   

One Friday night in 2010 when I was online shopping for sundresses (I had lost loads of weight and was looking a lot fitter and smaller than the last time I saw him) he messaged me asking how I was.  

I messaged him back.  He was crying.  His girlfriend cheated on him and was pregnant with her lover’s baby.  She left him.  He was packing his stuff up and moving back to Belgium.  My heart broke for him as I knew how that felt.    

We started chatting most nights after that online.  He introduced me to some new music. We laughed about the old days.  Then one Friday night after a couple of glasses of wine I spilled the fact that I wanted to kiss him that day he took me out in Dublin.

He replied, why didn’t you?

This opened up a lot a floodgate of feelings.  Our messages got raunchier.  Naked photos were sent.  (He’s a very big boy indeed!!)  We talked about what would happen if I came over to visit.   I told him how I wanted his lips to explore my body.  He told me that he wanted to make me scream his name over and over again and taste me.  

This went on for a few weeks.  Then all of a sudden the messages stopped.

I didn’t hear from him for ages.  Then he emailed me.  He had a new girlfriend, a new home, a new job.  Even a dog.  He settled into a new life. 

I was still in Manchester.  I must admit that my heart dropped.  At that time I had lost my job.  I was going to an interview.  He wished me luck.  And I wished for him to hold me and tell me that everything would be ok. 

We have kept in touch on and off since then.  He helped Simon and me with some documents as we were looking to buy out our main supplier who happened to live in Belgium.

When I went to Brussels to meet the supplier when Simon and I were discussing the buyout, I chose to not meet up with him.  I was with Simon and The Belgian had a girlfriend.  I didn’t know what I would have done if I saw him.  

So why am I talking about the Belgian?

I think that in the last few months, I have felt lonely.  My sex life has been non-existent (thank you Ann Summers for your toys and thank you Duracell for keeping them going!!).  I have been thinking of the ghosts of lovers past.  And the Belgian was always in the category of “the lover that never was”. 

I would fantasize about what it would have been like if we had meet up at that time.  Would it have lasted?  Would our friendship been effected?  Would I be living in Belgium now?   How would his big luscious lips feel on my body?  Would we have lived happily ever after?

These thoughts have been spiraling through my mind recently.  What if’s and could have beens have been getting me down.

So this morning I emailed the Belgian just to check in.  Friendly of course.  Just seeing how he is.  I kept it light hearted as always.  I hope that he is ok.  Because before all the confusion and the raunchy messages, he was one of my closest and dearest friends.  And for all the people that I love and care for, I just want them to be happy.

I don’t know if I will ever see him again.  Or even hear from him again, let alone kiss those luscious lips of his. 

All I have are the memories of a romance that was never to be and his words that I read now and again that keep me warm at night.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

Saturday, 1 July 2017

On Life in Limbo

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It's an overcast and slightly cool day here in St Helens.

Yes, I am in St Helens.  Ever since I moved out I have been effectively living a double life.  Sunday night to Friday morning I am living in Manchester.  Friday night to Sunday I am in St Helens living in the house that we bought.

The last few months have been ups and downs. There are days when I feel like I could live in Manchester for the rest of my life doing my 9-5 job.  There are other days where I miss Simon and my life in St Helens.

Recently I have been feeling like I am not fit for the real world.

The last 3 years I have been living in a strange, parallel reality.  A reality where I have tattooed my body, pierced my nose (and other things) and rocked turquoise, purple and pink hair.  I was able to express myself.  My job was soul destroying and I lived a lonely existence.  In ways when I found myself, at the same time I lost a huge part too.

I feel like I am not fit for the real world.  I have to mind my P's and Q's.  I have to smile, make small talk and ask about people's children.  Laugh at corny jokes.  Cover my tattoos, remove my nose ring and fit in.  The turquoise haired nose pierced Betty inside is often screaming to come out.  I have a gross sense of humour and I have to reign it in.  I can't make a lot of the jokes that I want to. Being normal in the real world is tiring.

I feel like I have to readjust to life on the outside.  Like I was in a weird prison.  Or for those 3 years, was I truly free and I am back in prison?  I have no idea.

All I know is that living this double life is tiring.  I feel like I cannot commit to anything or to anyone.

Simon and I have been chatting.  He wants me to come back working for him.  Part time.  He would pay for a course for me to get my accounting qualification.  The idea does appeal to me.  But in order to do this he has to lose 1 staff member as he cannot afford me.  There are a couple of options.

My lease is up in  October.  No matter what happens, I will be leaving my apartment in October.  It's ok but it stinks.  Like embarrassingly so.  I thought I could air it out but I was wrong.  Plus the traffic in the area makes the ride home really painful.  Like it takes 55 minutes to go 6 miles.  Ouch!

Work itself is ok.  The people are lovely.  The system we use is antiquated.  But I am blessed to have a lovely assistant.  My manager is odd.  Whenever I go in and see him he makes me feel like a sack of shit.

Simon's proposal is sounding very tempting.

Then there is Simon.  He has improved a lot with his behavior and attitude towards me.  He's made promises and if he keeps them, that would be great.  It's up to him though.

All I know is that I have until September 10th to make a decision on what to do and if Simon's proposal were to go ahead, he has to legally drop a staff member.  There are a few things that need to fit into place.

The universe sometimes has a funny way of handling things.  If I am meant to go back to Simon I am confident the pieces will fit.  If I am not then I know that something else will present itself.

So for the next few months it's life in limbo.

Until Next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx


Saturday, 6 May 2017

On New Flat, New Routine, More Questions

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  Happy Saturday!!!  

Today I am dressed in comfy warm clothes.  After the stunning weather this past week, It's cold again.  So I am wearing a green sweater dress and black leggings.  It is seriously cold!! 

Well, I have moved into my new flat 6 miles away from work.  It’s in a little village 10 miles outside of Manchester.  The building is an old mill building, which brings some challenges and some good things too. 

My flat is cold and has a strange sort of smell.  I have so many air fresheners in my flat it’s crazy.  I’m scared to do my laundry in the flat because I don’t my clothes picking up the smell.  (I go back to St Helens and I do my laundry there.  I am still paying for the utilities, hell I will use them!!!)

It’s also a dead spot of data and internet.  Hell, I can barely watch TV.  I have finely tuned it and I can get Freeview stations.  My internet gets put in next week so I will be able to get some sense of normality back in my life.

I have been living during the week in Manchester and then going back to St Helens for the weekends to see Simon and my guinea pigs. 

I feel like I am in the middle.  I don’t know where I am supposed to be and I don’t know what I am supposed to do.  I just feel sad, lonely and confused. 

Simon has been trying to a certain extent.  Last Friday and yesterday when I drove and hour and half back to St Helens to see him, I parked up and walked into the flat and he wasn’t there.  The flat?  It looked like a bomb went off.  Dishes in the dishwasher still.  The kitchen work tops covered in plastic tubs, empty coke bottles, dishes piled in the sink.  The living room, cat toys were strewn all over the floor.  The bedroom, a big pile of clothes on the floor.  He hadn’t done his laundry for over a week. 

Now Simon knows that I am kind of on the fence about the relationship.  Surely if you were trying to impress someone that was on the fence about the relationship, you would make an effort and try to clean up and be home for when they got home?  I know that is what I would do.  I feel like as soon as I got home I have slotted back into the cycle of cook, clean, cook clean, cook clean.   If that is to be my life, I would rather die now and be done with it.  Simon is 31 fucking years old!!!!  He lives a 6 minutes’ drive from the flat.  Yes, work is tiring but part of being an adult is doing adult things that are practical, like taking care of a home. 

During the weekends, when I go back we still don’t really see each other.  He stays in the front room, sleeping and watching TV.  I stay in my room usually writing, reading or tidying.  He’s tired.  I’m tired.  This whole situation is making me fucking tired. 

I also go back to St Helens one day during the week to go to couples counselling.  That night I don’t get to eat dinner.  So I go to bed hungry, tired and grumpy. 

Life isn’t the best now.  The only bright spots are my job and the gym. 

I love my job.  I work with good people.  I am respected, listened to and appreciated.  And complimented daily on my fashion. 

My new gym, I’m slowly getting used to it.  I’m talking to the people in the gym, making friends and yesterday I tried the morning spinning class.  I’m eating better and I am slowly getting my groove back.

I think that the main issue is I don’t know where I am meant to be or what I am meant to be doing.  So hopefully, to clear my head I have decided to book a weekend away at the end of the month and disappear away from St Helens and from Manchester.  Go off the grid and all this figured out.

Suzanne sent me a message saying how she feels frustrated and sad about things too.   And I feel like an arse because I haven’t been as supportive as I should be.  She is going through a few health problems and the truth be told, I am scared shitless for her.  Suzanne has been my main support the last few years.  She has always been there for me.  I am praying nightly and daily that she is ok. 

I have gone through a ton of changes in the last 2 months:  New job, leaving St Helens and back to Manchester, new flat that is cold, has zero mobile signal/data and smells weird.  I just want a place to call home.  I just want to feel happy.  The sad thing is that I have felt sad for the last 3 years or so.  I can’t really remember what happiness feels like.

I know that the answer will come and I will get a resolution to the problem.  So each day I am trying to count my blessings.  Smile at the small things and be grateful for them.  I am focusing on my health and my well-being, mentally and physically.   And I hope with those steps in place, plus my little weekend away, the answer to what I need to do and where I need to be will be made clear. 

So chin up.  Put those heels on, put my red lippy on and get on with it! 

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

On Ch-Ch-Changes

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Greetings from Manchester!  It’s a cool day here and I am sat at my desk at my new job.  I’m dressed in a vibrant red belted shift dress, black blazer, black stockings and black stilettos plus my glasses.  Red lippy firmly in place.  Betty is back.

To say that the last 4 weeks or so have been eventful would be the understatement of the year.

I have started my new job and I am loving it.  Yes, I am 4 weeks in, but I am seriously enjoying it.  I have 2 assistants, both of which are lovely.  I was scared when I walked in on the first day to a room with 3 women in it.  I thought, oh no…not return of the bitches….but I have been blessed.  The 4 of us get along very well.  The job is important and I feel happy.  I know I will have good days and bad days.  I know there will be days where I want to stab someone in the eye with a pencil and other days where I feel like I’m in a Disney film dancing with woodland creatures.  This is perfect.  It is normal.  And I like it.

The biggest thing is…well, I have left St Helens.  I moved up from St Helens close to work.  What about Simon you may ask?  That’s well….complicated.

Simon and I have been in couples therapy.  Has it been working?  Well, kind of.  The problem is that it’s making me angry.  Like really, really angry.  Simon the last 3 years has kind of neglected me.  I helped him with his business but I didn’t really get much out of it.  I worked my ass off for him.   I worked weekends.  I sacrificed so much.  And it’s only now that I am threatening to break the relationship off that he is trying to be a better boyfriend.

I have given him countless ultimatums, I have told him what I feel but in therapy he is denying that I did.  I have texts to prove it.  

In our last session I went on about how I wanted him to come with me to Nana Rage’s funeral.  He denied that I asked him to.  BULLSHIT.  Absolute BULLSHIT.  In fact I had a drunken text off his dad saying that Nana Rage’s funeral was not as important as the business.  I brought this up in counselling and he denied it.  I’m fuming.  

And our sex life….yea, I have gone without for 3 months.  Even when I was single I got more sex than I get now!  I am about to go cross eyed!

With these things going on in the background plus the 72 miles I was commuting daily on very little sleep, I made the decision to move up closer to work.  I took a 6 month lease out, paid 6 month’s rent upfront and this past weekend I have moved into my little apartment.

I needed to get away from Simon, from the whole situation and take a few months out to figure out what I want in life.  I let a lot of things slip.  Little things like doing my face care regime at the end of the day.  Washing my face and moisturizing.  I started skipping dinner.  I haven’t written in awhile too which hurts.  It felt like I would get home after a long day at work and a long, irritating drive to a messy apartment.  I’d start my wind down routine at 8:30 in the spare bedroom so I didn’t get to spend much time with Simon.  Then on the weekend, Simon would perch on the sofa in the lounge and watch movies and fall asleep and I would stay in my little room trying to stay awake watching loads of TV.  As I write this, I realise that this isn’t a relationship.  It’s like living with a roommate.  And this isn’t the life or relationship that I wanted.  

Plus to add to all this there is the complication of the house that we have bought.  It’s a mess.  A huge, ugly mess.  This has left me feeling confused, hurt, and extremely exhausted.
So I am taking this opportunity to have a time out.  Focus on my new job and focus on getting my body back into shape and getting strong mentally.  I need to rebuild.  

Simon isn’t happy with this.  He wants me to stay.  This whole situation has been emotionally and physically draining.   I want to book a one way ticket to Fiji and hide. 

But life must go on.  So Ragers and Ragettes, I am taking the next 6 months to self-care.  To figure out if I need this relationship.   And to most importantly, get myself back to being the fabulous Betty Rage.  

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

Thursday, 23 February 2017

On Distracting Myself

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold, wet, wild windy day here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!  It’s the sort of day that I could snuggle up in my onesie, sip a hot cup of peppermint tea and watch a good film.  It’s freezing!!!  Today I’m wearing my turquoise sweater, bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots with extra thick socks.  It’s that sort of day.

With everything that has been happening, a lot of stuff in my life has slipped:  my healthy eating, my gym workouts (I have a seriously bloated tummy now!), putting my makeup on and even doing my hair.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  And Simon is serious about getting engaged which I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So I am trying to find coping skills to distract myself.  I have been immersing myself in getting my wardrobe ready for the new job and planning my routines.

I find comfort in doing this.  I have bought some nice pieces for the new job:

2 plain white blouses
2 white blouses with black detailing
A black blouse
A Red blouse
A grey and black pussy bow blouse
A black Pencil skirt
A nude pencil skirt
A grey pencil skirt
A black and white printed Pencil skirt
A black with a floral pattern pencil skirt
Black wide leg trousers
Black fitted blazer
Nude Stilettos
Red stilettos

So I have the start of a good work wardrobe.  I have a few nice dresses too.  Now I will need to look for some nice classy black earrings and other accessories (Tights, and other bits....I might actually go for suspender belts and stockings....hmmmmmmm) and I have a wish list for a few more pairs of trousers and maybe another 2 blazers (a nude one and a grey one?)  I am struggling to find tan bootcut trousers. As I have a curvy body, cigarette pants or skinny taper legged trousers do not fit my shape.  At all.  I found some awesome flares but they are not workwear.  They are denim.  I have some tan work trousers (that I didn’t have the heart to throw out) that are 2 sizes down when I used to be smaller.  So I suppose I am going to have to work my butt off and get back into them!

I must admit, I love work wear.  I wear jeans and sweater to work and most days I cannot be arsed washing my face or putting make up on because what is the point?  I have no one to look nice for.  And I love dressing up.  Hopefully with this job there will be work night’s out and I can start dressing up again.

Now with my new job, I have to take pride in my appearance.  I have bought some mini toiletries for when I go to the gym in the morning.  I feel like I have a new lease of life. 

So I purchased some of those space bag things (you fold your stuff up and put it in the bag and suck the air out with a vacuum) as my wardrobe is in a state and so is my chest of drawers!!  So this weekend I will be sorting them out and putting old clothes on eBay.

I have also been reconsidering getting my Betty Bob back.  I don’t know why.  It could be the gym thing.  I don’t know.  I have been going through the pros and cons and I am very much undecided.   I love my extensions but I don’t know…

These are all wonderful distractions from what is going on in front of me.  I need to face these things but I don’t know how to.  I feel right now so many things.  I am so confused.  And this is how I deal with it.  I clean, organise and get rid of old stuff. 

I wish that I knew how I felt, what I want and how to deal with this.  Half of me wants to pack up my stuff and run away.  Maybe that is the answer.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

2017: A Year Of Change

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a coolish day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing a turquoise long sleeved t-shirt with my bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots

The last few weeks for me have been...well....filled with ups and down and more highs and lows than I have had for awhile.

So let’s start from the beginning.  Basically, I have a new job.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am leaving Simon’s business (not Simon, I’ll get to that later) and I start my new job on March 14th.

This came about rather quickly.  I worked with a great recruitment agency and soon before you know it I was in my black and tan shift dress, black blazer, tights and black court shoes. The first interview was awkward.  I was with the Managing Director and the Human Resources manager. The Human Resources manager was very lovely and welcoming.  The Managing Director was awkward and I felt that he wanted the interview to end as quickly as possible.  I brushed it off thinking nothing of it.  The recruitment agent called me and told me that the Managing Director and Human Resources Manager both like me and to sit tight for a second interview. 

The next week, I received a call to say that they didn’t want to progress with a second interview as I wouldn’t fit into the “culture of the company.”  I was then like, whatever.  That’s fine and I forgot about it.

Then the next Monday afternoon after my therapy session, I received a phone call saying that they actually wanted to see me again and they apologised for the mix up.   On the Thursday I was back in my black shift dress, blazer, court shoes and tights talking to the Finance Director.  On Friday the job was offered to me.

It has been a blur.  The hardest part has been dealing with Simon on this.  When I told him, I didn’t get a reaction.  Just a blank face.  He wouldn’t talk to me about it.  So I had to resort to emailing him.  And after 5 days he decided to discuss it with me while he was on his phone playing a game and with the TV blaring in the background.   He didn’t even make eye contact with me about it.  But at least we are both ok with it all and we talked about it.

Now as you know, in the background of this Simon and I have been buying a house.  This bit has wrecked my head massively.   We have hit the point of no return.  The house is being bought and I cannot back out, sadly.  This house is in my name and in Simon’s name.  There are ways around it and I have been taking legal advice to see if I can get out of it someway. 

The fact that I am against the house I don’t know if it is down to the fact that my new job is in Manchester, or is it that I am unhappy with Simon or am I being resistant to the fact that I am scared that I am actually settling down and I have to be an adult?  I seriously don’t know.

Plus to make matters a little more fun, Simon’s alcoholic mum has decided to send me bullying and abusive text messages because she and Simon’s dad are dead set against us buying this particular house.  They haven’t sent any of these text messages to Simon or let him know how they feel.  They have decided to take it out on me.  And Simon hasn’t defended me.  That also riled me up.

Yesterday I sent an email to Simon about how I felt in regards to the house.  I told him that I am not comfortable and that sometimes I am resenting him because of this and the fact that I don’t know if I even love him anymore. 

He read it this morning and he started crying.  Nothing sucks more than seeing a man cry.  He said that we wanted to propose to me on Valentine’s Day.  Now my head is officially fucked.  I told him the only way that I will agree to marrying him is if we get couples therapy.  He actually agreed to that.  Is there something to save here?

So now I am sitting here wondering what is going to happen next.  What do I do?  Can I get out of buying the house?  And do I want to?  Do I want a relationship with Simon?  My heart and head are truly fucked. 

So I have been focusing on looking forward to my new job.  I found a new gym right next door to my new job.  I have also bought myself some new work wear.  Mostly pencil skirts, blouses, suit trousers, blazers and such.  And a few new pairs of shoes, obviously!   

The next few months are going to be interesting.  We’ll see how this plays out.  I’m not feeling too down.  I am going to focus on my new job, keep going with my fitness regime and just be positive.  That’s all one can do, I suppose!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx