Thursday, 23 February 2017

On Distracting Myself

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold, wet, wild windy day here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!  It’s the sort of day that I could snuggle up in my onesie, sip a hot cup of peppermint tea and watch a good film.  It’s freezing!!!  Today I’m wearing my turquoise sweater, bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots with extra thick socks.  It’s that sort of day.

With everything that has been happening, a lot of stuff in my life has slipped:  my healthy eating, my gym workouts (I have a seriously bloated tummy now!), putting my makeup on and even doing my hair.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  And Simon is serious about getting engaged which I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So I am trying to find coping skills to distract myself.  I have been immersing myself in getting my wardrobe ready for the new job and planning my routines.

I find comfort in doing this.  I have bought some nice pieces for the new job:

2 plain white blouses
2 white blouses with black detailing
A black blouse
A Red blouse
A grey and black pussy bow blouse
A black Pencil skirt
A nude pencil skirt
A grey pencil skirt
A black and white printed Pencil skirt
A black with a floral pattern pencil skirt
Black wide leg trousers
Black fitted blazer
Nude Stilettos
Red stilettos

So I have the start of a good work wardrobe.  I have a few nice dresses too.  Now I will need to look for some nice classy black earrings and other accessories (Tights, and other bits....I might actually go for suspender belts and stockings....hmmmmmmm) and I have a wish list for a few more pairs of trousers and maybe another 2 blazers (a nude one and a grey one?)  I am struggling to find tan bootcut trousers. As I have a curvy body, cigarette pants or skinny taper legged trousers do not fit my shape.  At all.  I found some awesome flares but they are not workwear.  They are denim.  I have some tan work trousers (that I didn’t have the heart to throw out) that are 2 sizes down when I used to be smaller.  So I suppose I am going to have to work my butt off and get back into them!

I must admit, I love work wear.  I wear jeans and sweater to work and most days I cannot be arsed washing my face or putting make up on because what is the point?  I have no one to look nice for.  And I love dressing up.  Hopefully with this job there will be work night’s out and I can start dressing up again.

Now with my new job, I have to take pride in my appearance.  I have bought some mini toiletries for when I go to the gym in the morning.  I feel like I have a new lease of life. 

So I purchased some of those space bag things (you fold your stuff up and put it in the bag and suck the air out with a vacuum) as my wardrobe is in a state and so is my chest of drawers!!  So this weekend I will be sorting them out and putting old clothes on eBay.

I have also been reconsidering getting my Betty Bob back.  I don’t know why.  It could be the gym thing.  I don’t know.  I have been going through the pros and cons and I am very much undecided.   I love my extensions but I don’t know…

These are all wonderful distractions from what is going on in front of me.  I need to face these things but I don’t know how to.  I feel right now so many things.  I am so confused.  And this is how I deal with it.  I clean, organise and get rid of old stuff. 

I wish that I knew how I felt, what I want and how to deal with this.  Half of me wants to pack up my stuff and run away.  Maybe that is the answer.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

2017: A Year Of Change

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a coolish day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing a turquoise long sleeved t-shirt with my bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots

The last few weeks for me have been...well....filled with ups and down and more highs and lows than I have had for awhile.

So let’s start from the beginning.  Basically, I have a new job.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am leaving Simon’s business (not Simon, I’ll get to that later) and I start my new job on March 14th.

This came about rather quickly.  I worked with a great recruitment agency and soon before you know it I was in my black and tan shift dress, black blazer, tights and black court shoes. The first interview was awkward.  I was with the Managing Director and the Human Resources manager. The Human Resources manager was very lovely and welcoming.  The Managing Director was awkward and I felt that he wanted the interview to end as quickly as possible.  I brushed it off thinking nothing of it.  The recruitment agent called me and told me that the Managing Director and Human Resources Manager both like me and to sit tight for a second interview. 

The next week, I received a call to say that they didn’t want to progress with a second interview as I wouldn’t fit into the “culture of the company.”  I was then like, whatever.  That’s fine and I forgot about it.

Then the next Monday afternoon after my therapy session, I received a phone call saying that they actually wanted to see me again and they apologised for the mix up.   On the Thursday I was back in my black shift dress, blazer, court shoes and tights talking to the Finance Director.  On Friday the job was offered to me.

It has been a blur.  The hardest part has been dealing with Simon on this.  When I told him, I didn’t get a reaction.  Just a blank face.  He wouldn’t talk to me about it.  So I had to resort to emailing him.  And after 5 days he decided to discuss it with me while he was on his phone playing a game and with the TV blaring in the background.   He didn’t even make eye contact with me about it.  But at least we are both ok with it all and we talked about it.

Now as you know, in the background of this Simon and I have been buying a house.  This bit has wrecked my head massively.   We have hit the point of no return.  The house is being bought and I cannot back out, sadly.  This house is in my name and in Simon’s name.  There are ways around it and I have been taking legal advice to see if I can get out of it someway. 

The fact that I am against the house I don’t know if it is down to the fact that my new job is in Manchester, or is it that I am unhappy with Simon or am I being resistant to the fact that I am scared that I am actually settling down and I have to be an adult?  I seriously don’t know.

Plus to make matters a little more fun, Simon’s alcoholic mum has decided to send me bullying and abusive text messages because she and Simon’s dad are dead set against us buying this particular house.  They haven’t sent any of these text messages to Simon or let him know how they feel.  They have decided to take it out on me.  And Simon hasn’t defended me.  That also riled me up.

Yesterday I sent an email to Simon about how I felt in regards to the house.  I told him that I am not comfortable and that sometimes I am resenting him because of this and the fact that I don’t know if I even love him anymore. 

He read it this morning and he started crying.  Nothing sucks more than seeing a man cry.  He said that we wanted to propose to me on Valentine’s Day.  Now my head is officially fucked.  I told him the only way that I will agree to marrying him is if we get couples therapy.  He actually agreed to that.  Is there something to save here?

So now I am sitting here wondering what is going to happen next.  What do I do?  Can I get out of buying the house?  And do I want to?  Do I want a relationship with Simon?  My heart and head are truly fucked. 

So I have been focusing on looking forward to my new job.  I found a new gym right next door to my new job.  I have also bought myself some new work wear.  Mostly pencil skirts, blouses, suit trousers, blazers and such.  And a few new pairs of shoes, obviously!   

The next few months are going to be interesting.  We’ll see how this plays out.  I’m not feeling too down.  I am going to focus on my new job, keep going with my fitness regime and just be positive.  That’s all one can do, I suppose!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

Thursday, 19 January 2017

On 2017 and a Crazy end to 2016

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Sorry that it has been awhile but it has been one crazy few months!

Firstly, Happy 2017!  I love new years.  It's a new start, a new chance to make a better life.  Every morning gives you that chance but this makes it official in some ways.

The last half of the year brought loads of good things, bad things, crazy things and things that just made you stop and say what the actual fuck?

Firstly, I had hair extensions put in.  I have now gorgeous, 16 inch locks of dark brown hair with fiery red streaks going through.  They are gorgeous, fabulous and amazing!  I thought that I would hate them but they are the best thing I have ever done with my hair (besides the turquoise bob I had...that was awesome.)  They are relatively easy to care for (wash the actual extensions twice a month and I can wash the top of my hair as much as I want.), and when I do blow dry them, they are instantly glam.  Sadly, I have to get them taken out tomorrow temporarily. My head gets sweaty from my exercising and the heat has melted the silicon bond that holds the hair together.  So I am getting them taken out and sending them off to be rebonded with a stronger kerotine bond.

Secondly, Simon and I are in the process of buying a new house...this occurred completely by surprise.  It all started the weekend before my birthday (last week in October).  I came home to find a letter from our landlord effectively evicting Simon and myself because we "have pets".  We knew that this was a load of shit because every inspection of the flat, the man from the estate agency that our landlord lets the apartment through who inspected the apartment knew we had pets!  We dug deeper and it finally came out that the landlord wanted to sell the apartment.  Why didn't he just say that instead of lying?  Anyway, he wanted us out by January 14th.  As Simon and I booked to fly to America to be with my family, it didn't give us a lot of time.  We discussed it and thought about buying our apartment but the price that the landlord wanted to sell at was stupid.  So in typical Betty and Simon fashion, we went out one day to look at a few homes and found a new build, fell in love with it and well, we are now buying a gorgeous 4 bedroom home!  The home is still being built and it will be ready for end of March.  After some arguing, the landlord has agreed to let us stay in the apartment until our home is ready
This has given me some anxiety as, even for me, I feel like it's too much and too fast.  The house isn't even built yet.  I had to do loads of work to get forms signed, run here there and everywhere to get loads of forms signed.  It's stressful and frustrating.  Also, I feel that Simon and I....I feel like it has run its course.

We don't really have anything in common anymore.  The passion is gone.  I feel like this is a business transaction.  I don't hate him or have any ill feeling towards him.  I just think that we are not right for each other and that this is not a good relationship.  I am just unhappy.  I don't know if Simon is oblivious to the situation or if he is holding onto this thinking that it will change.  We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.  It's frustrating.  Where we are in the process of moving, I can still pull out. (we haven't put the deposit down) Why don't you just leave, you ask?  Well, because I work for the guy and I want to make sure that I have a new job first.  I had an interview today and fingers crossed.  If this interview doesn't go through, then I will keep looking.  Also I want to save more money so I have a good foundation to move.  Now I have a bit put aside.  By my calculations, if I stay put, by December, I will have a good lump sum put aside to move on.

Thirdly we went to America for Christmas.  We started out in Miami (which is an awesome city!!) and I bought loads of make up (I discovered Bobbi Brown Foundation, concealer and powder and it is awesome!  I highly recommend!  Finally I found a foundation that doesn't make me orange!), new face care (Lancome...I highly recommend, it's pure luxury) and a got a new tattoo!!!  (A feather across my collar bone...I booked in to get the rest of my sleeve on my left arm done.)  Plus I bought a new computer/tablet which I am using now.  I am usually a massive fan of Apple products but I purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro 4.  It's amazing.  I recommend it.

Fourthly, yesterday I got a fabulous beauty procedure.  I got my eyebrows microbladed.  It's like tattooing your eyebrows but they use a blade to make hairline cuts to make it look like individual eyebrow hairs.  It was a great experience.  It will take 10 days to settle down.  Today and for the next 4 days my eyebrows will look extra dark, then they will look very faint for the next 4 days and then they will emerge looking gorgeous!  I have to get them topped up after 6-8 weeks as when they are healing, some of the "hairs" will heal up and fade so they go over the faded ones and that will sort it (This service is free of charge!)  So today my eyebrows look.......menacing!

Basically Ragers and Ragettes, I want to take this year and find a new job, a new home and keep up my weight loss (I'm actually losing weight!!!  Woo-hoooooooo!) and get the life that I want. This year I am focusing on my health, mental and physical and getting the life that I want.

I wish all of you the most amazing new year and keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Disaster Comes in Threes - the passing of Wanda

Hey Ragers and Ragettes. I wanted to write about my new hair extensions but sadly life has happened. I received some devastating news this morning. A friend of mine died last night.

Wanda (name changed) and I met online in a guinea pig forum. She was a New Yorker who lived a colourful life. She was battling uterine cancer but she was winning her battle. We started talking because she identified my depression and was a counsellor that worked with the mentally ill in New York.

Last night it seems, her husband of 16 years stabbed her to death then turned the knife on himself. He was able to be saved and is in the hospital now.

I found out when I was scrolling through my newsfeed. Wanda's Facebook profile pic popped up. At first I thought it was one of those jokey quiz games where you found out what you were in a past life, but I read the article. Murdered. Stabbed by her husband. I threw up.

Wanda and I chatted extensively for 3 months. She was always there if I was struggling with my mental health. Recently I decided to get help for my depression and she walked me through it. I had to talk to doctors about some dark times, Wanda always messaged to see if I was ok and how it went.

She was winning her battle with her uterine cancer. I'd ask her daily how she was. She'd always reply, I'm winning. She had everything to live for. The treatment was working. This couldn't have been a suicide pact. A knifing is a crime of passion, Rage and anger. Not love and concern. She spoke so highly of her husband. The questions going through my head, Was he abusing her all this time? Why would he snap?

2016 has been a crazy, crazy year. I lost Anne, Nana Rage now Wanda. I just don't get it. This why I have issues with religion. Why does God insist on taking these good people and let her assailant live? (If New York has the death penalty then please fry this bastard up!!!!)

Selfishly I think who am I going to go to for help?  I feel so alone now. Yes, we never met but a connection was there.

Seeing her Facebook page with people telling how she touched other people's lives gave me the validation of what I knew. She was selfless, loving, funny and special.

As I sit here waiting for my dinner to cook, I feel numb. It's not the medication the doctors put me on, it's the emptiness of not getting a message from her to see how my appointment was today. Or her telling me about the art class she was taking. And how she loved to listen to her jazz records (she used to be a jazz singer). Simon and I were planning on going over to see her.

I'm sorry if this post makes no sense. All I can say is Rest in Peace, dear Wanda. You were one in a billion and tonight the stars will be a little brighter tonight....

Take care of yourselves Ragers and Ragettes. I appreciate you all.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

On New Hair

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Autumn is here!!!  Today I am wearing my black and white striped jumper with my favourite bell bottom jeans and my new knee high black flat boots.  Dressing for warmth and comfort as I sit under the air conditioning and Simon seems to always be hot. 

 It’s been a crazy few weeks, as you know.  With Nana Rage passing and with work and everything else, well, it’s taken its toll on my mental health.  I have had a few panic attacks and crying fits.  I know it’s not right so I have sought out professional help.  I have an appointment on the 18th and one on the 25th to assess my first diagnosis of bipolar disorder. They think that I was misdiagnosed as I have other background symptoms that are now starting to express themselves. My original diagnosis was 20 years ago.  They feel that mental health screening has improved loads so they want to make sure that I get the right treatment.

So I am going to try and be uplifting today.

As you know, I have battled with my hair. I was a hair model last year but the haircut didn’t get cleaned up the way it should have.  Luckily I found a new hairdresser who is amazing. She cleaned the shambles of a hair cut up, redyed it and I looked human, and a fabulous one at that rocking a cute pink pixie crop.

I have always wanted long Rapunzel like hair.  I made the decision to grow my hair out a bit as I have never really had long hair before.  I have really baby fine hair.  And when it gets to a certain length, it becomes wispy, stringy and horrid.  That’s why I have always had short hair. 

I have decided to get the long hair I have dreamed of with the help of hair extensions.  I had hair extensions 10 years ago when I lived in Dublin.  I chose glue in ones. It ended in a hairdresser physically having to cut the extensions out and me having a bald patch. Not a good look!

This time, I did my research and I am going for nano ring extensions.  This is better for hair, it allows growth and it doesn’t damage hair. 

The woman I have chosen to do the extensions is fabulous.  She has so many positive reviews and is well known around Liverpool.   I have been speaking to her since October last year.  I had a 1 to 1 consultation to make a hair plan last December.  I had to grow my hair out to at least 5 inches in the back.  I was going to get the extensions in May this year but I had a wobble and ended up cutting my hair as I was rocking a shocking looking mullet. 

But with the help of my new hairdresser (And my hairdresser threatening to punch me in the vag if I even think about cutting my hair) and with photos of long beautiful hair as inspiration, I can proudly say that my hair now skims my shoulders. 

So on Saturday, I went to see the woman who is fitting my extensions to colour match my hair.  She sat me down and she said that she was proud of my persistence in growing my hair out and was pleased with the condition.  (Twice a week deep conditioning treatments and using Bed Head Colour Goddess Shampoo – That is the best shampoo ever!  It smells like fudge!)  As my hair is relatively short, she decided on 10-12 inch extensions (The hair will fall just below my collar bones.)  and matched beautiful chestnut brown hair swatches to mine.

So I will be having my extensions fitted at 11am on October 22nd (a birthday present for me!!!!!!!!!) and it will take 3 hours to complete.  She said that when she is fitting them she will talk through the maintenance and such.  The thing I love about the person I have chosen to do my extensions is that she is big on aftercare.   Her philosophy is that when she fits the extensions, I will represent her work professionally.  So she hammers home the aftercare side of it.  

So to say that I am excited about it is an understatement!  New gorgeous hair on the horizon!  I am giving myself a year with the extensions to see how I feel about it.  And if they don’t work out I am going to chop my hair off and go back to a funky turquoise haircut.

This has provided a welcome distraction from everything that has happened.  The feelings that I have been feeling are ugly.  Some of the thoughts that have gone through my head have left me shaken.   The last few weeks I have burst into tears for no reason.  People think that I should just smile, get over it.  I do my best to keep myself up and motivated.  My workouts help out massively.  And Suzanne, like always,  has been my rock.  I now know who my friends are and I have ht the jackpot with Suzanne.

So I am focusing on getting my luscious long hair.  I am ramping it up at the gym, eating better foods, getting sleep and trying to find good things to focus on. 

So, in 10 days I will have the hair of my dreams and hopefully I will be stronger, happier and hopefully I can work through this snit that  I am in and come back fighting stronger.

And to those who are reading this that are fighting depression or any mental health disorder, you’re not alone.  Message me.  I will listen, help, and make you laugh.  I will do what I can to help you.  You are not alone.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher. 

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

The Death of Nana Rage Part Two: You Can't Pick Your Family

Hey Ragers and Ragettes, after the post about Nana, I had a little cry. I also had my beauty therapist come round and my long talons are back, my eyebrows are on fleek and she French plaited my short hair. (My hair is in that strange in between stage where it's just irritating. I'm growing it and preparing it for my project in October....)

Suzanne said rightly that "Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest and then Pamper yourself and not think so hard!!!"

I'm pampered and ready to give you the rest of the story about Nana Rage's death.

As you know from my last post, my dad's family flew in from all corners of the globe to give Nana Rage a send off. Two of those people are the Colonel and his wife.

His wife is my dad's sister. She's two years older than my dad and has it in her head that her shit doesn't smell.  Oh yes, I'm pretty sure there is one of these in every family.

She married into a good family. The colonel (my uncle) is also my godfather. He was in the Air Force, rose through the ranks and retired a one star General.

They have always turned their noses down at my mama and my family. They would make fun of my mama saying she was stupid because English isn't her first language (mama speaks 7 languages). They'd make fun of mama's clothes because she'd shop at second hand stores. They turn their nose up at me because I am tattooed, pierced and the fact that I have bipolar disorder (my mental health is obviously a shameful thing for them)

And you would think that at a time like this, they'd act with some decorum....did they fuck!

It all started when I was picked up st the airport by the colonel and Nana's nephew. The 2 of them chatted in the car, with me in the back. Well, it was mostly the colonel chatting about how wonderful his kids and grandkids were.

He asked what I was up to and I started to tell him, he interrupted me to tell me how wonderful his niece was. Fab.

Whenever the colonel and his wife were in the room, there was an atmosphere. They were constantly boasting and didn't even really give me or mama the time of day.

Even when my sister face timed I asked if they wanted to talk to her (everyone else chatted and laughed with my sister) they refused to talk to her.

When we went to scatter the ashes, the colonel couldn't make it up the hill. I videoed the ashes being scattered. I sent the video to my cousins and to my sister, and they were grateful. I asked if the colonel wanted to see the video. He gave me a look as if to say, uh why would I want to see that? I asked to have a photograph with them (their daughter, my cousin asked for this) and they flat out refused.

At dinner, the colonel's wife said that she had her DNA tested (keep in mind that she is my dad's sister) and was proudly telling us that they found that my dad's side of the family have Belgian, Scottish, Viking, Irish and English DNA. She then looked at my mama and said, luckily I don't have inferior took every cell in my body to stop me from getting up and dumping the roast chicken on that stuffy bitch's head!

And it didn't end there. When they left, they didn't even say goodbye to me, mama or to my uncle who had taken care of Nana Rage for the last 11 years!!! (They looked their noses down at my uncle also)

When they left, the atmosphere completely changed. Everyone was happier. We were joking and laughing and smiling.

I talked to mama in private about this and she said, Betty, hold your head up high. You were polite and you at least made the effort to come over (I was the only grandchild that attended)

I mean seriously....

Why the fuck do they think that they are better????? We have the same fucking blood going through our veins, my nana was my family too!!

So, when I returned, I decided to get my DNA tested. Why? I'm proud of who I am, inferior DNA and all.

I'm sorry if this is a strange post but I don't understand what makes family act like this? Families are supposed to be there for each other. They are supposed to support and help. We're blood related whether they like it or not.

So, I have decided I am going to be extra nice to them. Every birthday, anniversary and holiday I'm sending them cards. I'm going to be so lovely and sweet until they are sick. They cannot then say that I am awful.

Sigh. Families, eh? Can't live with them and you can't kill them...

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Monday, 19 September 2016

On the Death of Nana Rage Part One

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It’s a cool day here in St Helens.  Autumn, I think, is finally making its way over.  Today I am wearing my burgundy palazzo pants (So forgiving!!!), my navy blue cami and white cardi.  I am wearing my black Converse shoes. 

Also, I am proud to report that I have finally made it into Onederland!!  I feel really confident about my weight loss journey.  I am getting there.  I need to keep doing what I am doing (eating a good healthy diet and exercising 6 times a week!!) and I will soon be down to the body measurements I want. 

I have wanted to write this post now for over a week and I have struggled to find the words.  So please bear with me.  If this doesn’t make sense, I apologise.

6 weeks ago, I was told that my Nana Rage (My dad’s mum), who was 100, took a fall.  She injured her back and her elbow.  But the doctors said that the prognosis was good.  She was chatty, had all her faculties.  She was eating and wanted to get up and about and get out of hospital.  The doctors decided to keep her in though due to her age, which was a blessing.

On the 3rd of September, I received a text from Mama Rage telling me that my Nana (who was 100 years old) had taken a turn for the worst.  I didn’t think anything of it.  She was a tough woman and from the last time I saw her, I genuinely thought that she would pull through.

Sadly, a half an hour later I received another message from Mama Rage.  Nana had passed away. 

To be honest the text didn’t register.  I just sat there trying to make sense of what I just read.  So I reread the text at least 60 times.  And it still didn’t make sense.

So as if I was on Autopilot, I somehow booked my flights over and soon before you know it, I was in Manchester Airport Departure Lounge with a glass of red wine waiting to board the flight to Cork, Ireland.  My parents were flying over along with my Uncle from Zimbabwe. 

After some delays (Why would anyone want to build an airport in the foggiest place in Ireland??  Seriously, people!!) I was with my parents, my Uncle Neil from Zimbabwe, my Uncle and Auntie (who I like to call the Colonel and his wife) and my Uncle Luke and Auntie Martha, (Uncle Luke and Martha are fabulous people.  They have been taking care of Nana Rage plus Martha’s mum who is 91 years old)  (All names changed)

The Colonel told me exactly what happened when Nana died and she died with dignity.  On the morning of September 3rd she started to cough up blood.  So the doctor basically said she has a choice.  She either has a camera shoved down her throat or they make her comfortable.  Nana Rage overheard this and said, and I quote, hell no!  I’m done.  The doctor give her some morphine.  The Colonel’s Wife combed her hair; Nana put her teeth in and held my Auntie’s hand.  The Colonel wanted a coffee and he left.  She looked at my Auntie (her oldest child and my Dad’s sister) and smiled and said I love you dear.  She then closed her eyes and she breathed her last. 

The funeral was held on Wednesday the 7th of September.  25 people showed up and it was a simple ceremony.  No fuss.  Amazing Grace played and I shed a tear.  The coffin was small (Nana was only 4 foot 9).  I squeezed my Mama’s hand and we made it through the ceremony.  My dad’s eyes glassed over and he wiped tears away.  There is nothing worse in this world than seeing your father cry.  I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath.  I had to be strong for my parents.

We then went to a nice hotel for a lovely meal.  We all sat together, chatted, reminisced about Nana Rage.   I met family that I didn’t know that I had.   It all seemed surreal.  It hadn’t sunk in.

Then on the Thursday, The Colonel and his Wife, Uncle Neil, Mama and Dad, Uncle Luke, Auntie Martha and me went out to scatter the ashes.  Uncle Neil brought along my Granddad’s ashes.  We drove out into the rainy windy Irish country.  My Mama was panicking (as always) about getting the right weather for scattering the ashes.  We stopped off and had a cup of tea in a cute, quirky tea shop in Oysterhaven.  As we left the sun started to shine, the wind dropped. 

We then made it to Sandy Cove.  My Uncle Luke decided on Sandy Cove because this was where my Nana and Granddad used to sit and have a picnic and watch the world go by.  The sun was shining, there was a gentle breeze.  The sky turned a beautiful colour of blue.  A total difference from the windy, rainy grey day that we left.  My dad, my Auntie, Uncle Luke, Auntie Martha, Uncle Neil and I walked up the path (my mama’s health has deteriorated so much she’s now walking with a cane and the Colonel’s health is dreadful too) to the spot where my grandparents sat.  Quietly they opened the boxes that held my granddad’s and Nana’s ashes.  My Uncle Neil and my Uncle Luke started to scatter them.  We were all silent.  I recorded this moment for my Sister and my cousins.  It was moving.  After the ashes were scattered we took some flowers and laid them down on the spot and stood back for a few minutes to reflect.  A few tears slipped down my face and the faces of my family.  United in the grief but also celebrating the life of Nana Rage.  100 years and 10 months.  She touched our lives.  Her quiet, gentle spirit was inspirational.  She was firm but fair, sharp witted to the end. 

I thought back to the last time I saw her.  How she took my hand and said, Betty, you make your own heaven and you make your own hell.  God, she was so right. 

Uncle Neil wiped his tears away.  And smiled and said, let’s go.  We wordlessly started walking back down to my Mama and the Colonel. 

We got back to my Uncle Luke’s and had a nice dinner together.  We chatted, laughed and had a toast to my Nana and Granddad.   Reunited on what would have been their 70th wedding anniversary.

On the Friday I was flying back and my parents were flying out Saturday morning, early.  So we decided to go to the airport hotel and my parents would stay the night and we can have some time together before I had to leave.

When I landed in Manchester, I was exhausted, emotionally.  I felt numb.  Simon hugged me as I walked through arrivals.  It was nice to feel his hug.  He kissed my forehead and said, let’s get home.  All the way home, I was quiet.  I was still processing everything.

The weekend I just went through like a zombie.  And I admit. I got drunk on Saturday night and Sunday night. On the Monday I felt a little hungover, tired and emotional.  I went through the day feeling sorry for myself.

When I got home, I sat in my room put some sad music on and had a good cry.  I bawled for 2 hours straight until I was gasping for breath.  My eyes tears stained.  I needed a few hours to not be ok.  After those 2 hours, I took a hot shower, put some clean pajamas on and when Simon got home, I gave him a huge cuddle.   It was enough to set the internal “reset” button. 

It’s ok to not be ok for a few hours, Ragers and Ragettes.  We are bombarded with positivity and affirmations daily on social media.  I take those affirmations and posts to heart.  I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice.  And before I get people telling me “what if this” and “what if that” I say this.  Situations in your life you can do one of 2 things.  First you can go hide, cry and say pity me!!!  And keep whining and complaining and expect a magic fairy to come and sort it all out for you.

Or you can have a few hours of crying.  Get it out of your system and pick yourself up and figure out how to make the best of the situation. 

I have been in many shitty situations.  And I have gotten out of those situations by casting feelings aside and being clinical.  At the end of the day, Ragers and Ragettes, it’s your life.  And as Nana Rage said to me, you make your own heaven and you make your own hell.

It’s something that I have been working on recently.  And with Nana’s death and Anne’s death, I have learned that you need to keep good people around you and get rid of those Fuckboys and assholes that bring you down.  I have cleared out my social media getting rid of those that complain, whine and cry.  I don’t want that.  I want people that add to my life and enrich it, not bring me down.  People like Suzanne every day inspires me and I thank God for her friendship and love.

So I am sorry if this is a bit of a weird one.  I have more to say on this and I will publish in a few days as there is more to this story. 

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, be thankful for your family and true friends.  They are blessings and are the most precious things in the world.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxx