Sunday, 12 November 2017

On Being Young(ish) Free, Single and A Stressful Weekend

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Well here I am sitting in my new home.  It's a lovely room and I have started putting my touches on it.  The bedding set is gun metal grey with sequins everywhere!!!  I bought some Yankee Silver Candles and I have pretty much put away most of my things.  I'm getting there.  There are a few bags that I need time to actually go through properly.

Well, from my last post, I officially started my new job 2 weeks ago.  On my first day, I was nervous.  I felt like I was out of my depth.

As it is in the beauty industry, the bar for beauty standards is quite high.  A few of the girls that work there (including the CEO) have had a load of cosmetic surgery done. 

I'm not going to mess with my face (but I will be getting my boobs done, that's non-negotiable!) but seeing these glamorous women, it actually encourages me to raise the bar on my own glamorousness.  So I am experimenting with my makeup, my hair, and my clothing.  I am looking more polished, I am highlighting and contouring more, and I am feeling better in myself.

But on day 2 I met the warehouse manager and everything became ok.  Aiden (real names are not used to protect the innocent) has proven to be a fantastic work colleague and friend.  We have joked that he is my work husband.  And he has a nickname for me because I drink a lot of water out of a pink sparkly cup that has a mermaid on it.  So he calls me Aquamarina.  (it's after a show from the 1960's)  There is nothing funny going on.  He has a girlfriend and 2 kids.  But we do have a good laugh in the office.

There is a lot of work to be done.  But it is what I need now.

Yesterday I moved into my new home.  Simon helped me move.  After we moved all my stuff into my new place, we were driving back to the house so I could pick my car up, and you could taste the tension....the words unsaid that we are too frightened to say.  I opened my mouth several times to say something but I couldn't bare to say the words.  We are over and we have to move on.

When I took one last look through the house, I walked downstairs and said it's time for me to go now.  I hugged him and we both sobbed.  I told him to be strong but I was falling to pieces.  I held him, my shoulder getting soaked with his tears and his shoulder getting soaked with mine. We held each other for about 5 minutes...sobbing uncontrollably.  Letting go but still not saying what needed to be said. 

I finally broke away and got into my car.  I blasted my music all the way to my new place.  Sobbing still.

When I got in, my new housemate greeted me.  I started getting unpacked.  He left me to it.  I then went out and bought something to eat and a cheeky bottle of wine.  When I got in I opened the bottle and we spoke.  I learned more about him.

He's a Jewish gentleman and he has his own business in Manchester city centre.  We have a lot in common:  We both love foreign films, football, good food, history, reading and we both just want to get on with life.

I have made myself single on social media, announced that I left St Helens and people are asking me if I am ok.

Well, I'll tell you how I am.  I think I am ok.  Yesterday I cried loads.  I held my pity party. Today?  It doesn't feel real.  So I am distracting myself by cleaning my room up, getting things sorted and organised, throwing out old things I don't need and making lists of things that I want in my bedroom (new curtains, a new rug, some nice decorations, more candles - I really love candles!!) but I know that there will come a point where I will crash spectacularly.  I will properly lose it.  And I am ok with that.  I need to get this all out into the open so I can move on with my life. 

I'm just taking things moment by moment and day by day.  I have learned a lot from the last 3 and a half years.  I know what I don't want and more importantly I know what I do want.

So I will undoubtedly be posting more in the coming days.  I'm processing and trying to heal.  That's all I can do.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage

Monday, 23 October 2017

On Taking Control of the Situation

Hey Ragers and Ragettes.  It’s a cool day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing my blue long sleeved t-shirt, my bell bottom jeans and my trusty cowboy boots.  Nice and comfy.

The past weekend I had my extensions put back in so I feel somewhat human.   I’m wearing them long and sleek today. 

I haven’t been well.  It all kicked off on last Friday with my new job.  I made a huge fuck up and I hold my hands up.  This set off a chain reaction and well, my start date got moved forward.

There are several versions of my CV out there on the job boards.  In fact there are CV’s of mine that are about 4-5 years old!  When I went into the interview for my new job they had an older version of my CV that had me still at the place I worked in Manchester. 

And I stupidly didn’t correct them.  I also stupidly gave them that company as a reference.  Double stupid.  So when they looked at my references, the first reference came back as a glowing reference.  Then the reference from the job I had for 6 months in Manchester gave a bog standard reference and the dates of employment didn’t match up.  So on Friday, I received a call that made me feel nauseous.

My new manager called first and said “they would get back to me if the job was still mine”.  I freaked out and started crying.  My dream job, and I felt sick.  I could lose my dream job because of stupidity.

Half an hour later, the Finance Director called back and wanted to know why there was a discrepancy.  So I told him the truth.  There are a few versions of my CV out there, I didn’t know which one they had and I stupidly didn’t correct them.  It was an oversight and totally out of character.  Luckily I gave them 3 references.  They called my third reference who gave me a fabulous reference. 

That reference saved my bacon.  Then the finance director said that they would take me on but I had to start on Monday…as in Today.

I felt sick.  So I started to frantically call my new landlord.  I cannot move into my new place until the 11th.  I’d also have to walk out on Simon’s business and fuck him over. 

Now you must be thinking why do you care?  Just walk out.

There is a problem.  I have been described as an empath.  For those of you that don’t know what an empath is, it is according to google, someone that “feels and absorbs other people's emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. These people filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings.

So seeing Simon get his heart broken and now breeching my contract and hurting him more…..that actually made me feel sick.  Like really sick.  This has been hard for him, but I can assure you, this has been hell for me.  Today I am feeling nauseous.  I’m spontaneously bursting into tears.  Last night I started crying and Simon hugged me.  Why is he being so nice?  Why can’t he be an asshole?  Why can’t he beat me?  Cheat on me?  Do drugs?  Why?  Why does he have to be so lovely?

But as Suzanne said, yes he is lovely but he isn’t the man for you and the thing is, she’s totally right. 

Anyway, I went into full panic mode.  I threw up and just felt sick.  I was buzzing around to see how I was going to break this to Simon, starting way before I should….I stewed for about 2 hours on this. 

Then I realised.  I am getting worked up about this job.  They are asking something of me that I don’t want.  Grow a set of balls Betty and stand up for yourself!!!  They want me to start my new job earlier out of desperation.  Yes I fucked up.  Yes, I dropped a major clanger there.  But you know what?  My 2 other references which actually told them about my abilities came back, “stellar” according to the finance director.  And that means they know I’m good.  So, if they want to put unnecessary pressure on me and make me sick, is it worth it?  Are they the sort of company that I should work for?  All I need is a week.  A week to tie up loose ends here.  Get my mind sorted. 

So I called the Finance Director back.  He didn’t pick up so I called my new manager back.  He picked up the phone and he was in the car with his wife (The CEO).  I told him firmly that I am starting on the 30th as it wouldn’t be fair to leave Simon in the shit and it is my birthday week and I want to get these things out of the way so I can come in fresh and ready. 

You know what?  He and his wife agreed totally.  They were fine with it.  I couldn’t believe it.  I felt it was a little victory and that I am taking control of the situation.

So now I am trying to get Simon’s business sorted out.  I want to leave him in a good position, why?  Because Simon could have been worse.  He could have been abusive, destroyed my stuff, he could have made my life unbearable.  But he hasn’t.  He’s been sweet, kind and loving.  And to leave him in the shit and hurt him even more, I just can’t do it. I want to be as civil as possible. Plus there is still the matter of the house to duke out…I think it would be better to tread carefully and work with Simon than to steamroll him and leave him feeling even more hurt.

Simon's parents came in today so I told them everything.  They both were ok.  the reason why I told them is because Simon wouldn't until they walked in one day and I was gone.  I wanted to do this on my terms and they deserve to know and I would rather have it come from me.  So I took control of that situation.  

It feels good to be in control.  I can't control everything but the things I can control I am doing my best to.  That's how I am going to make it through this situation.  

So the next few weeks for me are going to be hard.  So I have decided to break it down in numbers: 

7 – the number of days until I start my new job
19 – the number of days until I move out into my new place
32 – the number of days until I see Suzanne again
58 – the number of days until I go home for Christmas
69 – the number of days until New Year’s Eve so I can kiss this wretched year goodbye and start afresh

And those numbers are my focus.  The promise of a new day, new experiences and a new year.

As my sister said to me this past weekend, fear not.  This too shall pass…

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

Thursday, 12 October 2017

On the Aftermath

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a sunny but cool day here in St Helens.  Today I am rocking my red frilled blouse, bootcut jeans, cowboy boots and my favorite lippy of all time.  It’s Too Faced Melted Matte in a shade called “Lady Balls”.  It’s a velvety red color that is very, very similar to the iconic Mac lippy shade Ruby Woo.  It stays all day and even better, it’s cruelty free.  I’ve started to put all my cosmetics and skin care to cruelty free as I don’t feel that little guinea pigs and rabbits should have to suffer for me to look good.

Well, the breakup is done.  Now here is the aftermath.  I have been a very busy Betty for the last few days.

On Monday I had to go to my old flat and get the cleaners in to clean it for when I hand over the keys to the landlord.  On Monday, while the flat was being cleaned, I viewed 2 properties.  One was occupied by a smoker.  The room was nice but too small.  Thanks but no thanks.

The second property I viewed was a house share with a nice older (much older, say late 50’s) Jewish gentleman named Paul (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  This was the property with the walk in closet.  The room itself is well….gorgeous!  Hard wood floors, my own bathroom (en-suite) and a walk in closet (he had me at walk in closet!).  He will allow me to bring my guinea pigs with me (there is plenty of room for them in my room) and this property is 2 miles from my new job and 6 miles from Suzanne.

After viewing the room, Paul and I chatted for an hour.  We laughed and were in constant conversation.  He’s a really lovely guy.  He is a recruitment agent and he works from home 2 days a week.  He has an office in Manchester city centre.   He goes to the gym and eats healthily.  He likes football and is quite relaxed.  He offered me the room and I accepted. 

There is one little issue.  I would only be able to move in on November 10th as he as a temporary lodger in for 3 weeks.  I am praying that this lodger falls through or leaves early. 

When I got in on Monday, Simon was waiting for me with a big bouquet of flowers with a sign that said “Come away with me”.  I must admit, my stomach lurched.  He was sobbing again.  It broke my heart.  Seeing him cry has been the worst part of this whole process.  I would never want to make someone cry.  And, yes, I do care about him.  Love him?  No. 

Tuesday, he stayed at home as it couldn’t face going into work.  So I went in and I had to leave early because I had to hand my keys over, pop in and get my nails done (It was a mandatory goddess maintenance!!)  I got back to work and pretended that everything was ok. 

The girl that replaced me when I first left asked me what was going on.  Simon told her on Monday that we had broken up.  So I told her the truth.  I told her exactly what had happened.  I got my dream job.  I don’t love Simon anymore and I needed to get out.  She actually listened and wished me good luck.  No mean thoughts or words.

When I got back to the house, Simon was on the couch on his laptop.  We talked civilly and watched TV together.

Yesterday Simon was in great form!!!!!  He and I were laughing and joking and chatting like old times.  It was like being with my best friend. 

It was the same today.

Now either he has accepted this and we are going to act civilly and I will work my notice and then easily move out or he is in denial and the next 4 weeks are going to very awkward.  We do have a laugh. 

I haven’t been leading him on.  We hug and look after each other.  At work, I must admit I am doing my best work that I have ever done for him.  The business has been having an issue with cash flow and I found out one of the reasons.  There is an issue with the shipping calculations and we are basically not making any money on shipments.  So today we have worked through it.  Again, I am happy and relieved but also wary….

You see, Simon and I need to have the discussion about the house.  Now, the situation is this.  When the mortgage was done, it was done on my salary and not Simon’s as he only claims a basic wage.  But he was the one that put all the money down for the deposit and he has paid for everything with a pot of money that we had from the refund from our deposit on the flat that we rented.  I have not contributed a penny to the house.  The only thing that have done is paid for food for both of us.

So, the rule of law, as I understand it (and I could be wrong) is that he needs to either buy me out (which would be nothing) and he needs to prove that he can afford the house on his own.  As he gets a basic wage, he would be rejected.  There is a way around this.  He can pay himself my wage for 3 months and then he can prove that he can buy me out.  Now as I haven’t contributed a penny to this house, I don’t get anything and you know what?  I am cool with that.  I just want my freedom.  Or he can sell the house.  And again, as he put all the money in, I would happily give my portion over.  I just want freedom.  I could get his parents to “buy me out” and take my portion.  There are possibilities.  But I have learned a lesson from this.  If you don’t feel right about something, fuck other people’s feelings. 

I think that we don’t like to have confrontation or upset people so we go along with things that we don’t like.  We need to stop doing that and stand up and say “No.  I do not want that!!”  So next time I am faced with a similar situation, I know what I need to do.

Since I have broken up with Simon, I have to say, I feel….I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I feel like I am on the right path to get my life together and to have the life that I want. 

The end game is to get my own place, so staying with Paul will be temporary as I can save a lot of money each month. 

So I am taking one day at a time, trying to be as sensitive to Simon’s feelings (we haven’t made our split “official” yet and I think that I am going to do that when I move out.) and just be the best that I can be.  It’s been emotionally draining.  I am exhausted but I know that this is temporary.  I think by mid-November I will be in a better situation.  I’ll be in my new place, I’ll be in my new job and I would have said good-bye to my old life. 

Yes, the next 4 weeks (its 4 weeks until I leave St Helens and over 3 weeks until I leave this job) will be trying.  I will have great days.  I’ll have low days.  I am just going to take each day as it comes.  Be grateful for what I do have and take control of my future.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do Part 2

Hey Ragers and Ragettes.

On the back of yesterday's post more has happened

Last night I wanted to do it but I couldn't.  I couldn't eat my dinner and I was shaking.  Simon was sitting there happily eating his dinner and watching Netflix.  I opened my mouth to try and say the words but I couldn't. I just couldn't.  I felt light headed and tired.  So I decided that I needed to try and get a good night's sleep.

I went to sleep, Simon beside me.  I slept ok but woke up early with that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I went to the toilet and calmed myself down.  I heard Simon get up.  I finished in the toilet and headed downstairs.  Simon made me a cup of coffee and we watched some TV.

I finally spoke up.  I told him that we needed to finish the conversation from yesterday.  Then the words just came out.

I actually broke up with him.  His response?  He sobbed uncontrollably, like a child.  He howled, cried, sobbed. 

I did it as sensitively and tenderly as I could.  I kept my voice the same low tone.  I didn't argue, insult or do anything like that.  Yes, I shed tears too.  I didn't get a lump in my stomach.  I didn't get any feeling at all.  No pain in my stomach.  I actually felt relieved.  Words tumbled out of my mouth easily.  I felt like I was saying the right thing.  He cried on and off.  There were periods of silence and moments when I held his hand and said, that it would be ok.  I told him that I didn't feel any hatred or ill feelings for him.  I just couldn't love him the way he wanted me to.  And he couldn't love me the way I needed him to. 

I let him cry.  I hugged him as he cried on my shoulder.  I rubbed his back as he sobbed.  It was seriously the worst thing I have ever done.  It felt shit making him cry.  But I know that I did the right thing.

Not once when he was begging did I consider saying, ok I'll go back with you. 

As Suzanne says, the band aid has been ripped off and I feel free.  I actually feel free!!

Phase 2 is done.

Now, Phase 3.  What happens next. 

Here are the facts.  I have to work 4 weeks with him and live in the same house.  This is going to be awkward.  Because in the grief process after sadness, I believe anger is next.  This is where it could get messy.

We have the matter of the house to discuss.  And over property it could get expensive and nasty.  I am hoping that we deal with this amicably.  A lot can happen in a month.

Now I am making plans.  When destruction happens, my best trait is making plans for the future.  I went on a website that advertises flatshares.  Looking at my savings, it wouldn't be viable for me to get a place on my own yet.  So flat sharing is going to have to be the answer to the problem.  I have responded to a few ads and I have 2 potential properties to look at. 

The first is 4 miles from the new job.  It's with a guy who sounds kind of boring.  The rent is good and he allows pets and the advert says that it has a walk in closet.  Walk in closet?  I'm there!!  I'm viewing it tomorrow.

The second one looks perfect.  It's a flat with 2 girls.  I can bring my guinea pigs and the rent is spot on in a trendy apartment. 

Each option is a winner.

The hardest part is done.  Now the next 4 weeks will be hard but I am harder, tougher and stronger.  I know that I am entering a new chapter in my life and that the next few weeks are going to be hellish.  The next few weeks are going to be difficult but I can and will triumph and I can and will get through them.  I know who my friends are. 

And as my girl crush Elena LaShelle says, I AM GODDESS. You  know what Elena?  Too fucking right I am. 

Saturday, 7 October 2017

On Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

It's a rainy cold day here in St Helens.  It suits the mood to be honest.  As the title suggests, some serious shit is going down.

I left my job in Manchester as I was tired of going back and forth.  Plus it wasn't a permanent position.  They wanted to get rid of the girl that was on maternity leave and they were going to use me to do so because they didn't like her.  I thought that it was underhanded and devious.  If that is how they treat people, I don't want to be apart of that.  Plus my manager didn't like me.  He was rude and when I asked for help he was always too busy, even though he said that he wanted to make sure my department had all the support it needed. So I took the decision to walk away.

Simon and I talked and he took me back and I am working for him again.  It was a hard decision to make but I thought that I could maybe make it work.  Plus the albatross around my neck that is the house, I thought do it for the house. 

Well, when I got back to my life in St Helens, things pretty much went back to how they were.  It's like putting on an old pair of leggings that have holes in them and are threadbare.  Yes, they are comfy, yes when you eat pizza they don't dig into your belly.  Yes, they are a wardrobe staple and you can even get away with wearing them in public with a long dress over the top.  But at some point, when you are out and about, you'll look down and see a a huge run in them that you can't hide any longer.

It as the same old shit at work.  Men being stupid.  The girl I hired in the office is an aggressive know it all.  Simon still dicks around all day instead of trying to get his business back on track.  I am left frantically making phone calls, sending emails and doing what I can to plug the holes in a sinking ship.

Since I have been back, I managed to free up equity, get some cash back in his business, get a refund from the government for 30,000 and keep everything afloat.

Simon at home has been helpful.  He does help clean this big 4 bedroom house but this house does not feel like mine.  Everything is high tech and my mark isn't on it.  We have alarm systems, a lawn mower that automatically goes at 3am to cut the lawn, Automatic vacuum cleaners to vacuum the carpets.  I can't even open windows because it sets the alarm off.  Plus with the cat, all door have to stay closed.  I can't even get fresh cut flowers because the cat knocks them over or tears them up.  I can't put any photos on the mantle for the same reason. Then Simon decided to get 2 birds.  2 birds that love screeching and squawking through the day and night.

But it's not just that....I haven't had sex with him for ages.  To be honest, I don't want to.  He doesn't repulse me, I just don't feel like that anymore.  I love him but I'm not in love with him.

So, last Monday, I received a text message from a guy asking if I was looking for works still.  He told me what company he was from.  And it's a beauty company.  In fact this company is one of the biggest players in the beauty industry. I told them that I was indeed looking for work.

The man came back to me and asked if I could make an interview on Thursday.  I told him that I could.  Thursdays and Fridays I "work from home". 

So on Thursday I put my black shift dress, black blazer, did a neutral make up look and completed the outfit with my Versace scarf and black stilettos.  I set off (it is about 35 miles away) and made it in time.

The interview lasted an hour and 25 minutes.  It started off quite light-hearted.  I met the operations director (the husband of the CEO of the company) and the Finance Director (Who I spoke Italian with).  We laughed and joked and I told them my story. 

Then the CEO walked in.  Wow.  She was very glamourous.  Like totally glamourous with the most plastic surgery I have ever seen on a woman.  She definitely had her lips, nose and shitloads of botox done.  Like loads.  Her forehead was frozen!  If she hadn't had the surgery, she would have been quite beautiful I think.  I joked with them all and the interview went from feeling like an interview to a normal departmental meeting.  The 4 of us were discussing ideas and such.  It felt good.  Then I felt tummy lurched. 

I have good intuition and throughout all this mess, the issue has been that I haven't been able to feel anything.  At all.  My tummy lurched, i think, because I knew that I found the place I needed to be and then the inevitable...

On Thursday night I couldn't sleep.  I kept thinking about it.  I prayed that I wouldn't find out about it so soon that I could process everything

I went into work and got tucked into the mundane spreadsheets that I was updating.  Then I received an email.

They offered me the job with a good salary and pay rise in 6 months.  They sent through an offer letter too

I went to the toilet and threw up.  I have a choice to make. 

If I go ahead with the job, I would have to walk away from Simon, the house and everything,  I am NOT doing a 70 mile plus commute a day.  And I am not doing the get an apartment and come home for the weekend to only sit there and do fuck all.  No.  I don't want that life again.

I want my pre-Simon life back.  I want to have a good social life, have fun, watch football, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty.  I want to go out with my friends again.  I want to focus on my fitness (my weight lifting is coming on leaps and bounds.)  and getting my confidence back.  I want to take weekend breaks. 

With Simon, this is impossible.  We don't go out.  He just sits on his ass and watches TV.  We went to the Trafford Center last weekend, whooptie do.  We were back in by 4pm and in bed by 8:30.  That is not the life that I want.  I have a wardrobe full of shoes and cute dresses that are begging to be worn on a night out.

So this morning I started the breaking up process.  I told him about the job.  I told him that I wanted it and that I wasn't happy.  He burst into tears.  It was like kicking a puppy.  The first thing he said was what about the business.  I need you.

That hurt, a lot.  He wasn't arsed about the relationship.  He was more concerned about the business.

When you try and confront Simon about something like this, the shutters go down and he doesn't talk.  You'll sit there in silence and wait for him to say/do something. 

He just sat there.  Staring into space.  And I am trying to see how far I can push.  I want to tread carefully because of the house.  When you wrong Simon, or if he perceives that he has been wronged, he can turn quote nasty and vindictive.  I don't want to be on the receiving end of it.

So I am doing this break up in stages.

Stage one is completed.  (telling him about the job and my unhappiness) The next stage is the hardest.  The actual break up.  I am really not good at this shit.  I hate hurting people.  I hate making people cry.  But I know that this is the best thing for me and for him.

Stage three is the what happens next stage.  This is going to be messy.  This is where we decide what is going to happen to the house.  By law he has to buy me out or sell it.  This is where it will get complicated.

In the meantime though, I have 2 possible places that I can stay.  One of the girls I used to work with has a spare room she told me I could stay in but to be honest she is being a bit unreliable.  Rita has chimed in and said that I can stay with her and I might actually take her up on that.  I would only stay with her a few months until I get back on my feet.  (that would take a couple of paychecks, so after Christmas)

So much to think of and to do; I'm overwhelmed and scared.  I can survive most things.  I have been made homeless before and I pulled through and sorted things out in 24 hours. 

The worst part of this is breaking up with Simon.  I know that in 6 months time, it will be a distant memory.  But it's getting through now which hurts.  I wish I could fast forward to New Years Day when all of this is done.

But for now, I have to pull up my big girl pants and break up with Simon.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please pray for me and please keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

On The Belgian Part 2

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a grey day here in Manchester.  It’s humid and yucky.  Blow drying my hair is taking longer than normal and that pisses me off.  

Today I am wearing my grey bodycon with the black side panels, my black stilettos, red lippy with my hair super sleek.  

Well, from last time I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I reached out to The Belgian.  And he responded.  

He has broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years.  She was in love with another man the whole relationship while with the Belgian.  This man has divorced and she wants to be with him.  The Belgian moved out and is trying to pick up the pieces.  But drama struck yesterday.  Major drama.  His ex is now pregnant.  She says that it is the Belgian’s.  The Belgian thinks it’s his but my female intuition says get a DNA test.  

We have been chatting.  And I will admit, the feelings rushed back.  I keep thinking back to that day in Dublin city center.  His sparkling blue eyes.  Those lips….God, I have fantasised about where those lips would go on my body. 

But he’s just broken up with his girlfriend.  She’s now knocked up.  And he is horny as hell.  He started demanding nudes so I sent him a photo of my nude lippies.  (yes, I do have nude lippies!! Do NOT ever send naked pictures.  It will bite you in the ass!)  He keeps talking about how he wants me to fly over and have a dirty weekend.

Firstly, I am still with Simon.  Yes, the relationship will probably end in the next 2 months.  But out of respect for him, and respect for myself cheating is not on the menu….ever.

Secondly, although the sex would be mind blowing, probably the best I have ever had he’s just broken up with his girlfriend.  And post breakup sex is rarely good.  And I don’t want to be the “in-between girl”.  It’s very one sided.  He wants sex, I want love.

In between the horniness there have been dark messages.  He’s destroyed.  And when he started picking up the pieces, she dropped the pregnancy bombshell on him.   So he is a mess.  My heart does go out to him.  He doesn’t want to go back to her for the sake of the baby.  He feels trapped.  And I get that.  

But actions have consequences.  He stuck his dick in her and that’s what happens when you don’t use protection.  Simple as.  

So I have operating on friend mode.  I’ve been checking on him to make sure he’s ok and that he doesn’t do anything stupid.  I have had feelings for him for 10 years.  And to see him distraught it’s painful for me.  I wish that I could reach through the phone and hold him and wipe his tears away.  I wish that I could hug him so tightly that the broken pieces stick back together.  But I cannot.  

I have a few crosses to bare of my own.  As I stated earlier I am going to end the relationship with Simon.  It has run its course.  I’m not happy.  I haven’t been for a while.  

And I am not happy in my current situation either.  My job is ok.  It’s not a job for life.  It’s a temporary contract anyway so I will need to leave at some point.  My apartment is small, in the middle of nowhere and still reeks of curry.   (The person who lived there before me cooked curries constantly and the stench hasn’t left.)  The apartment has been good for what I needed it for, though.  A place for me to get my head sorted and start figuring it all out.  It’s quiet and in the middle of nowhere

But when my lease is up in October, I will be leaving.   And hopefully leaving the area of Manchester that I live.  There is nothing for me here.  

The ball is rolling and I feel that a change of job will happen soon.  I have a phone interview today after work for a company that I temped for when I lost my job.  They are based in Liverpool City Center and they have a branch in Manchester City Center.  This appeals to me so much.  Plus I have an interview tomorrow for an exciting role the next town over and after that I have a meeting with a recruitment agency that have a position for a job that I am very interested in.  The money is more than what I am on.  I’m getting calls and emails for jobs and I feel quite pleased about that.  I feel like I am gaining momentum.

If the phone interview goes well today, I will get an interview on Friday with the Finance director so the next few days, hopefully, I will box something off and leave this part of my life behind me forever.  

Before I break up with Simon, I have to suss out the house situation.  So I need to get time with a solicitor to discuss my mortgage and contract for the house.  We bought this house and my name is on the mortgage and the house deed.  Either Simon will have to buy me out or we will have to put the house up for sale.  I would rather have Simon buy me out.  I didn’t contribute a penny to the house and to be honest I don’t want a penny back.  I just want my freedom.  I don’t feel hatred towards him.   He’s just not right for me.  I have changed a lot these last few months and he’s stood still.  My priorities have changed and his priority is still his business and I don’t begrudge him that.  The business is his baby.  I want more than just being a part time girlfriend.

When I leave Simon, I want to be by myself and focus on me.  I want to continue with my good work at the gym, continue eating right.  I want to be the best that I can be.  And if Mr Right comes along that is fine too. 

So, I do understand how the Belgian feels trapped.  I too feel trapped.  But freedom comes when you learn to let go.  And I have a lot to let go of.  The next few months will be a challenge.  So it’s time to get up, put my red lippy on, adjust my crown and get on with it!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

On the Belgian

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  It’s July and the skies over Manchester are cloudy.  I’m wearing black trousers and a black cardi with a blush coloured sleeveless blouse with my black stilettos.  I should be in a sundress.  Not trousers.  Sigh.

From my last post, I was down as I am living a double life and I still feel that I am not meant for the real world.  I still feel that at times.  I look back at photos of me with my turquoise bob and my nose ring.  I sometimes wish I was still that girl.  This feeling of being lost and alone has led to some strange thoughts.

My night time routine recently has gone something like this. I leave work at 5pm promptly (at my job they kick you out at 5pm.  They are big on work/life balance).  It takes me about a half an hour to get to my little apartment.  I get in, take my make up off, cook my dinner, write and I’m in bed by 7pm.  I watch TV on my tablet or read a book.  I try to start my sleep routine for 8:30pm.  I listen to a meditation track.  I usually drift off at this point.  My sleep has been pretty good I must admit. 

I have been watching a lot of foreign TV Shows.  I get lost in them.  There is something sexy about being drawn into a high stakes poker game in Switzerland or being caught up in a drug deal in Amsterdam.  I fall in love with the characters.  In one of the shows I watched I fell so deeply in love with one of the characters that when he was shot and killed, I cried, as if I was mourning the death of my lover.  I even cried at work over it!!!!!  

I am concerned as I feel like my concept of reality is going by the wayside and that the little world in my head will consume me.

And recently I have been thinking about The Belgian.

The Belgian is a ghost from my past.  When I lived in Dublin, Ireland, I worked with him. 

I remember the first day we met.  It was his first day of work and he took my safety coat to go in the warehouse. I was wearing a white sweater that was shedding.  He was wearing a black sweater.  When he came back up, he took the safety coat off to find that his black sweater was covered with the white fluff from my sweater.  He looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and with his thick accent he said, you’ve gone all over my body.  We both laughed and from then on we became good friends. 

He lived close to me and he used to walk me home every night after work.  We had the same sick, twisted sense of humour.  We watched the same shows.  At the time I was with my ex fiancée and he was dating a German girl who was rather odd.  I would never have put the two of them together.  She was so serious and he was so light hearted and carefree.    

When my ex fiancée and I went to Turkey for our friend’s wedding, he happened to be on vacation in Turkey at the same time.  We didn't plan it like that.  We met up and had a laugh.  My ex fiancée and the Belgian’s girlfriend were kind of on the sidelines because we spent the whole night laughing at jokes and being silly. 

My ex fiancée and I argued about it on the way back to our hotel.  He thought that I was having an affair with The Belgian.  I wasn’t.  We were just good friends. 

When I broke up with the ex fiancée, The Belgian was there for me.  He texted me made sure that I was ok.  He listened and didn't judge.  Sympathized at how the ex cheated on me.  He wiped away my tears and made me laugh.

One Saturday he took me out for a day out in Dublin city center.  I remember it being a cloudy day. His girlfriend brought along a friend of hers and kind of left me and the The Belgian on our own as the Belgian hated her friend.

It was a weird, but fun day and it distracted me from the break up.  He was making me laugh and I soon found myself getting lost in his blue eyes.  I started to fantasize about kissing his full lips.  (He seriously has the biggest, sexiest lips I have ever seen in my life!!!)  My body tingled when he hugged me goodbye.

He was still with his girlfriend.  So I kept my feelings and thoughts in check.  I valued his friendship so much.  But I also wanted to cross that line.  

Then I left Ireland in 2008 and came to Manchester.  We still kept in touch by email.  He ended up moving to Switzerland because his girlfriend got a job there.   

One Friday night in 2010 when I was online shopping for sundresses (I had lost loads of weight and was looking a lot fitter and smaller than the last time I saw him) he messaged me asking how I was.  

I messaged him back.  He was crying.  His girlfriend cheated on him and was pregnant with her lover’s baby.  She left him.  He was packing his stuff up and moving back to Belgium.  My heart broke for him as I knew how that felt.    

We started chatting most nights after that online.  He introduced me to some new music. We laughed about the old days.  Then one Friday night after a couple of glasses of wine I spilled the fact that I wanted to kiss him that day he took me out in Dublin.

He replied, why didn’t you?

This opened up a lot a floodgate of feelings.  Our messages got raunchier.  Naked photos were sent.  (He’s a very big boy indeed!!)  We talked about what would happen if I came over to visit.   I told him how I wanted his lips to explore my body.  He told me that he wanted to make me scream his name over and over again and taste me.  

This went on for a few weeks.  Then all of a sudden the messages stopped.

I didn’t hear from him for ages.  Then he emailed me.  He had a new girlfriend, a new home, a new job.  Even a dog.  He settled into a new life. 

I was still in Manchester.  I must admit that my heart dropped.  At that time I had lost my job.  I was going to an interview.  He wished me luck.  And I wished for him to hold me and tell me that everything would be ok. 

We have kept in touch on and off since then.  He helped Simon and me with some documents as we were looking to buy out our main supplier who happened to live in Belgium.

When I went to Brussels to meet the supplier when Simon and I were discussing the buyout, I chose to not meet up with him.  I was with Simon and The Belgian had a girlfriend.  I didn’t know what I would have done if I saw him.  

So why am I talking about the Belgian?

I think that in the last few months, I have felt lonely.  My sex life has been non-existent (thank you Ann Summers for your toys and thank you Duracell for keeping them going!!).  I have been thinking of the ghosts of lovers past.  And the Belgian was always in the category of “the lover that never was”. 

I would fantasize about what it would have been like if we had meet up at that time.  Would it have lasted?  Would our friendship been effected?  Would I be living in Belgium now?   How would his big luscious lips feel on my body?  Would we have lived happily ever after?

These thoughts have been spiraling through my mind recently.  What if’s and could have beens have been getting me down.

So this morning I emailed the Belgian just to check in.  Friendly of course.  Just seeing how he is.  I kept it light hearted as always.  I hope that he is ok.  Because before all the confusion and the raunchy messages, he was one of my closest and dearest friends.  And for all the people that I love and care for, I just want them to be happy.

I don’t know if I will ever see him again.  Or even hear from him again, let alone kiss those luscious lips of his. 

All I have are the memories of a romance that was never to be and his words that I read now and again that keep me warm at night.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

Saturday, 1 July 2017

On Life in Limbo

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It's an overcast and slightly cool day here in St Helens.

Yes, I am in St Helens.  Ever since I moved out I have been effectively living a double life.  Sunday night to Friday morning I am living in Manchester.  Friday night to Sunday I am in St Helens living in the house that we bought.

The last few months have been ups and downs. There are days when I feel like I could live in Manchester for the rest of my life doing my 9-5 job.  There are other days where I miss Simon and my life in St Helens.

Recently I have been feeling like I am not fit for the real world.

The last 3 years I have been living in a strange, parallel reality.  A reality where I have tattooed my body, pierced my nose (and other things) and rocked turquoise, purple and pink hair.  I was able to express myself.  My job was soul destroying and I lived a lonely existence.  In ways when I found myself, at the same time I lost a huge part too.

I feel like I am not fit for the real world.  I have to mind my P's and Q's.  I have to smile, make small talk and ask about people's children.  Laugh at corny jokes.  Cover my tattoos, remove my nose ring and fit in.  The turquoise haired nose pierced Betty inside is often screaming to come out.  I have a gross sense of humour and I have to reign it in.  I can't make a lot of the jokes that I want to. Being normal in the real world is tiring.

I feel like I have to readjust to life on the outside.  Like I was in a weird prison.  Or for those 3 years, was I truly free and I am back in prison?  I have no idea.

All I know is that living this double life is tiring.  I feel like I cannot commit to anything or to anyone.

Simon and I have been chatting.  He wants me to come back working for him.  Part time.  He would pay for a course for me to get my accounting qualification.  The idea does appeal to me.  But in order to do this he has to lose 1 staff member as he cannot afford me.  There are a couple of options.

My lease is up in  October.  No matter what happens, I will be leaving my apartment in October.  It's ok but it stinks.  Like embarrassingly so.  I thought I could air it out but I was wrong.  Plus the traffic in the area makes the ride home really painful.  Like it takes 55 minutes to go 6 miles.  Ouch!

Work itself is ok.  The people are lovely.  The system we use is antiquated.  But I am blessed to have a lovely assistant.  My manager is odd.  Whenever I go in and see him he makes me feel like a sack of shit.

Simon's proposal is sounding very tempting.

Then there is Simon.  He has improved a lot with his behavior and attitude towards me.  He's made promises and if he keeps them, that would be great.  It's up to him though.

All I know is that I have until September 10th to make a decision on what to do and if Simon's proposal were to go ahead, he has to legally drop a staff member.  There are a few things that need to fit into place.

The universe sometimes has a funny way of handling things.  If I am meant to go back to Simon I am confident the pieces will fit.  If I am not then I know that something else will present itself.

So for the next few months it's life in limbo.

Until Next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx


Saturday, 6 May 2017

On New Flat, New Routine, More Questions

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  Happy Saturday!!!  

Today I am dressed in comfy warm clothes.  After the stunning weather this past week, It's cold again.  So I am wearing a green sweater dress and black leggings.  It is seriously cold!! 

Well, I have moved into my new flat 6 miles away from work.  It’s in a little village 10 miles outside of Manchester.  The building is an old mill building, which brings some challenges and some good things too. 

My flat is cold and has a strange sort of smell.  I have so many air fresheners in my flat it’s crazy.  I’m scared to do my laundry in the flat because I don’t my clothes picking up the smell.  (I go back to St Helens and I do my laundry there.  I am still paying for the utilities, hell I will use them!!!)

It’s also a dead spot of data and internet.  Hell, I can barely watch TV.  I have finely tuned it and I can get Freeview stations.  My internet gets put in next week so I will be able to get some sense of normality back in my life.

I have been living during the week in Manchester and then going back to St Helens for the weekends to see Simon and my guinea pigs. 

I feel like I am in the middle.  I don’t know where I am supposed to be and I don’t know what I am supposed to do.  I just feel sad, lonely and confused. 

Simon has been trying to a certain extent.  Last Friday and yesterday when I drove and hour and half back to St Helens to see him, I parked up and walked into the flat and he wasn’t there.  The flat?  It looked like a bomb went off.  Dishes in the dishwasher still.  The kitchen work tops covered in plastic tubs, empty coke bottles, dishes piled in the sink.  The living room, cat toys were strewn all over the floor.  The bedroom, a big pile of clothes on the floor.  He hadn’t done his laundry for over a week. 

Now Simon knows that I am kind of on the fence about the relationship.  Surely if you were trying to impress someone that was on the fence about the relationship, you would make an effort and try to clean up and be home for when they got home?  I know that is what I would do.  I feel like as soon as I got home I have slotted back into the cycle of cook, clean, cook clean, cook clean.   If that is to be my life, I would rather die now and be done with it.  Simon is 31 fucking years old!!!!  He lives a 6 minutes’ drive from the flat.  Yes, work is tiring but part of being an adult is doing adult things that are practical, like taking care of a home. 

During the weekends, when I go back we still don’t really see each other.  He stays in the front room, sleeping and watching TV.  I stay in my room usually writing, reading or tidying.  He’s tired.  I’m tired.  This whole situation is making me fucking tired. 

I also go back to St Helens one day during the week to go to couples counselling.  That night I don’t get to eat dinner.  So I go to bed hungry, tired and grumpy. 

Life isn’t the best now.  The only bright spots are my job and the gym. 

I love my job.  I work with good people.  I am respected, listened to and appreciated.  And complimented daily on my fashion. 

My new gym, I’m slowly getting used to it.  I’m talking to the people in the gym, making friends and yesterday I tried the morning spinning class.  I’m eating better and I am slowly getting my groove back.

I think that the main issue is I don’t know where I am meant to be or what I am meant to be doing.  So hopefully, to clear my head I have decided to book a weekend away at the end of the month and disappear away from St Helens and from Manchester.  Go off the grid and all this figured out.

Suzanne sent me a message saying how she feels frustrated and sad about things too.   And I feel like an arse because I haven’t been as supportive as I should be.  She is going through a few health problems and the truth be told, I am scared shitless for her.  Suzanne has been my main support the last few years.  She has always been there for me.  I am praying nightly and daily that she is ok. 

I have gone through a ton of changes in the last 2 months:  New job, leaving St Helens and back to Manchester, new flat that is cold, has zero mobile signal/data and smells weird.  I just want a place to call home.  I just want to feel happy.  The sad thing is that I have felt sad for the last 3 years or so.  I can’t really remember what happiness feels like.

I know that the answer will come and I will get a resolution to the problem.  So each day I am trying to count my blessings.  Smile at the small things and be grateful for them.  I am focusing on my health and my well-being, mentally and physically.   And I hope with those steps in place, plus my little weekend away, the answer to what I need to do and where I need to be will be made clear. 

So chin up.  Put those heels on, put my red lippy on and get on with it! 

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

On Ch-Ch-Changes

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Greetings from Manchester!  It’s a cool day here and I am sat at my desk at my new job.  I’m dressed in a vibrant red belted shift dress, black blazer, black stockings and black stilettos plus my glasses.  Red lippy firmly in place.  Betty is back.

To say that the last 4 weeks or so have been eventful would be the understatement of the year.

I have started my new job and I am loving it.  Yes, I am 4 weeks in, but I am seriously enjoying it.  I have 2 assistants, both of which are lovely.  I was scared when I walked in on the first day to a room with 3 women in it.  I thought, oh no…not return of the bitches….but I have been blessed.  The 4 of us get along very well.  The job is important and I feel happy.  I know I will have good days and bad days.  I know there will be days where I want to stab someone in the eye with a pencil and other days where I feel like I’m in a Disney film dancing with woodland creatures.  This is perfect.  It is normal.  And I like it.

The biggest thing is…well, I have left St Helens.  I moved up from St Helens close to work.  What about Simon you may ask?  That’s well….complicated.

Simon and I have been in couples therapy.  Has it been working?  Well, kind of.  The problem is that it’s making me angry.  Like really, really angry.  Simon the last 3 years has kind of neglected me.  I helped him with his business but I didn’t really get much out of it.  I worked my ass off for him.   I worked weekends.  I sacrificed so much.  And it’s only now that I am threatening to break the relationship off that he is trying to be a better boyfriend.

I have given him countless ultimatums, I have told him what I feel but in therapy he is denying that I did.  I have texts to prove it.  

In our last session I went on about how I wanted him to come with me to Nana Rage’s funeral.  He denied that I asked him to.  BULLSHIT.  Absolute BULLSHIT.  In fact I had a drunken text off his dad saying that Nana Rage’s funeral was not as important as the business.  I brought this up in counselling and he denied it.  I’m fuming.  

And our sex life….yea, I have gone without for 3 months.  Even when I was single I got more sex than I get now!  I am about to go cross eyed!

With these things going on in the background plus the 72 miles I was commuting daily on very little sleep, I made the decision to move up closer to work.  I took a 6 month lease out, paid 6 month’s rent upfront and this past weekend I have moved into my little apartment.

I needed to get away from Simon, from the whole situation and take a few months out to figure out what I want in life.  I let a lot of things slip.  Little things like doing my face care regime at the end of the day.  Washing my face and moisturizing.  I started skipping dinner.  I haven’t written in awhile too which hurts.  It felt like I would get home after a long day at work and a long, irritating drive to a messy apartment.  I’d start my wind down routine at 8:30 in the spare bedroom so I didn’t get to spend much time with Simon.  Then on the weekend, Simon would perch on the sofa in the lounge and watch movies and fall asleep and I would stay in my little room trying to stay awake watching loads of TV.  As I write this, I realise that this isn’t a relationship.  It’s like living with a roommate.  And this isn’t the life or relationship that I wanted.  

Plus to add to all this there is the complication of the house that we have bought.  It’s a mess.  A huge, ugly mess.  This has left me feeling confused, hurt, and extremely exhausted.
So I am taking this opportunity to have a time out.  Focus on my new job and focus on getting my body back into shape and getting strong mentally.  I need to rebuild.  

Simon isn’t happy with this.  He wants me to stay.  This whole situation has been emotionally and physically draining.   I want to book a one way ticket to Fiji and hide. 

But life must go on.  So Ragers and Ragettes, I am taking the next 6 months to self-care.  To figure out if I need this relationship.   And to most importantly, get myself back to being the fabulous Betty Rage.  

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

Thursday, 23 February 2017

On Distracting Myself

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold, wet, wild windy day here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!  It’s the sort of day that I could snuggle up in my onesie, sip a hot cup of peppermint tea and watch a good film.  It’s freezing!!!  Today I’m wearing my turquoise sweater, bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots with extra thick socks.  It’s that sort of day.

With everything that has been happening, a lot of stuff in my life has slipped:  my healthy eating, my gym workouts (I have a seriously bloated tummy now!), putting my makeup on and even doing my hair.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  And Simon is serious about getting engaged which I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So I am trying to find coping skills to distract myself.  I have been immersing myself in getting my wardrobe ready for the new job and planning my routines.

I find comfort in doing this.  I have bought some nice pieces for the new job:

2 plain white blouses
2 white blouses with black detailing
A black blouse
A Red blouse
A grey and black pussy bow blouse
A black Pencil skirt
A nude pencil skirt
A grey pencil skirt
A black and white printed Pencil skirt
A black with a floral pattern pencil skirt
Black wide leg trousers
Black fitted blazer
Nude Stilettos
Red stilettos

So I have the start of a good work wardrobe.  I have a few nice dresses too.  Now I will need to look for some nice classy black earrings and other accessories (Tights, and other bits....I might actually go for suspender belts and stockings....hmmmmmmm) and I have a wish list for a few more pairs of trousers and maybe another 2 blazers (a nude one and a grey one?)  I am struggling to find tan bootcut trousers. As I have a curvy body, cigarette pants or skinny taper legged trousers do not fit my shape.  At all.  I found some awesome flares but they are not workwear.  They are denim.  I have some tan work trousers (that I didn’t have the heart to throw out) that are 2 sizes down when I used to be smaller.  So I suppose I am going to have to work my butt off and get back into them!

I must admit, I love work wear.  I wear jeans and sweater to work and most days I cannot be arsed washing my face or putting make up on because what is the point?  I have no one to look nice for.  And I love dressing up.  Hopefully with this job there will be work night’s out and I can start dressing up again.

Now with my new job, I have to take pride in my appearance.  I have bought some mini toiletries for when I go to the gym in the morning.  I feel like I have a new lease of life. 

So I purchased some of those space bag things (you fold your stuff up and put it in the bag and suck the air out with a vacuum) as my wardrobe is in a state and so is my chest of drawers!!  So this weekend I will be sorting them out and putting old clothes on eBay.

I have also been reconsidering getting my Betty Bob back.  I don’t know why.  It could be the gym thing.  I don’t know.  I have been going through the pros and cons and I am very much undecided.   I love my extensions but I don’t know…

These are all wonderful distractions from what is going on in front of me.  I need to face these things but I don’t know how to.  I feel right now so many things.  I am so confused.  And this is how I deal with it.  I clean, organise and get rid of old stuff. 

I wish that I knew how I felt, what I want and how to deal with this.  Half of me wants to pack up my stuff and run away.  Maybe that is the answer.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

2017: A Year Of Change

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a coolish day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing a turquoise long sleeved t-shirt with my bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots

The last few weeks for me have been...well....filled with ups and down and more highs and lows than I have had for awhile.

So let’s start from the beginning.  Basically, I have a new job.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am leaving Simon’s business (not Simon, I’ll get to that later) and I start my new job on March 14th.

This came about rather quickly.  I worked with a great recruitment agency and soon before you know it I was in my black and tan shift dress, black blazer, tights and black court shoes. The first interview was awkward.  I was with the Managing Director and the Human Resources manager. The Human Resources manager was very lovely and welcoming.  The Managing Director was awkward and I felt that he wanted the interview to end as quickly as possible.  I brushed it off thinking nothing of it.  The recruitment agent called me and told me that the Managing Director and Human Resources Manager both like me and to sit tight for a second interview. 

The next week, I received a call to say that they didn’t want to progress with a second interview as I wouldn’t fit into the “culture of the company.”  I was then like, whatever.  That’s fine and I forgot about it.

Then the next Monday afternoon after my therapy session, I received a phone call saying that they actually wanted to see me again and they apologised for the mix up.   On the Thursday I was back in my black shift dress, blazer, court shoes and tights talking to the Finance Director.  On Friday the job was offered to me.

It has been a blur.  The hardest part has been dealing with Simon on this.  When I told him, I didn’t get a reaction.  Just a blank face.  He wouldn’t talk to me about it.  So I had to resort to emailing him.  And after 5 days he decided to discuss it with me while he was on his phone playing a game and with the TV blaring in the background.   He didn’t even make eye contact with me about it.  But at least we are both ok with it all and we talked about it.

Now as you know, in the background of this Simon and I have been buying a house.  This bit has wrecked my head massively.   We have hit the point of no return.  The house is being bought and I cannot back out, sadly.  This house is in my name and in Simon’s name.  There are ways around it and I have been taking legal advice to see if I can get out of it someway. 

The fact that I am against the house I don’t know if it is down to the fact that my new job is in Manchester, or is it that I am unhappy with Simon or am I being resistant to the fact that I am scared that I am actually settling down and I have to be an adult?  I seriously don’t know.

Plus to make matters a little more fun, Simon’s alcoholic mum has decided to send me bullying and abusive text messages because she and Simon’s dad are dead set against us buying this particular house.  They haven’t sent any of these text messages to Simon or let him know how they feel.  They have decided to take it out on me.  And Simon hasn’t defended me.  That also riled me up.

Yesterday I sent an email to Simon about how I felt in regards to the house.  I told him that I am not comfortable and that sometimes I am resenting him because of this and the fact that I don’t know if I even love him anymore. 

He read it this morning and he started crying.  Nothing sucks more than seeing a man cry.  He said that we wanted to propose to me on Valentine’s Day.  Now my head is officially fucked.  I told him the only way that I will agree to marrying him is if we get couples therapy.  He actually agreed to that.  Is there something to save here?

So now I am sitting here wondering what is going to happen next.  What do I do?  Can I get out of buying the house?  And do I want to?  Do I want a relationship with Simon?  My heart and head are truly fucked. 

So I have been focusing on looking forward to my new job.  I found a new gym right next door to my new job.  I have also bought myself some new work wear.  Mostly pencil skirts, blouses, suit trousers, blazers and such.  And a few new pairs of shoes, obviously!   

The next few months are going to be interesting.  We’ll see how this plays out.  I’m not feeling too down.  I am going to focus on my new job, keep going with my fitness regime and just be positive.  That’s all one can do, I suppose!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

Thursday, 19 January 2017

On 2017 and a Crazy end to 2016

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Sorry that it has been awhile but it has been one crazy few months!

Firstly, Happy 2017!  I love new years.  It's a new start, a new chance to make a better life.  Every morning gives you that chance but this makes it official in some ways.

The last half of the year brought loads of good things, bad things, crazy things and things that just made you stop and say what the actual fuck?

Firstly, I had hair extensions put in.  I have now gorgeous, 16 inch locks of dark brown hair with fiery red streaks going through.  They are gorgeous, fabulous and amazing!  I thought that I would hate them but they are the best thing I have ever done with my hair (besides the turquoise bob I had...that was awesome.)  They are relatively easy to care for (wash the actual extensions twice a month and I can wash the top of my hair as much as I want.), and when I do blow dry them, they are instantly glam.  Sadly, I have to get them taken out tomorrow temporarily. My head gets sweaty from my exercising and the heat has melted the silicon bond that holds the hair together.  So I am getting them taken out and sending them off to be rebonded with a stronger kerotine bond.

Secondly, Simon and I are in the process of buying a new house...this occurred completely by surprise.  It all started the weekend before my birthday (last week in October).  I came home to find a letter from our landlord effectively evicting Simon and myself because we "have pets".  We knew that this was a load of shit because every inspection of the flat, the man from the estate agency that our landlord lets the apartment through who inspected the apartment knew we had pets!  We dug deeper and it finally came out that the landlord wanted to sell the apartment.  Why didn't he just say that instead of lying?  Anyway, he wanted us out by January 14th.  As Simon and I booked to fly to America to be with my family, it didn't give us a lot of time.  We discussed it and thought about buying our apartment but the price that the landlord wanted to sell at was stupid.  So in typical Betty and Simon fashion, we went out one day to look at a few homes and found a new build, fell in love with it and well, we are now buying a gorgeous 4 bedroom home!  The home is still being built and it will be ready for end of March.  After some arguing, the landlord has agreed to let us stay in the apartment until our home is ready
This has given me some anxiety as, even for me, I feel like it's too much and too fast.  The house isn't even built yet.  I had to do loads of work to get forms signed, run here there and everywhere to get loads of forms signed.  It's stressful and frustrating.  Also, I feel that Simon and I....I feel like it has run its course.

We don't really have anything in common anymore.  The passion is gone.  I feel like this is a business transaction.  I don't hate him or have any ill feeling towards him.  I just think that we are not right for each other and that this is not a good relationship.  I am just unhappy.  I don't know if Simon is oblivious to the situation or if he is holding onto this thinking that it will change.  We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.  It's frustrating.  Where we are in the process of moving, I can still pull out. (we haven't put the deposit down) Why don't you just leave, you ask?  Well, because I work for the guy and I want to make sure that I have a new job first.  I had an interview today and fingers crossed.  If this interview doesn't go through, then I will keep looking.  Also I want to save more money so I have a good foundation to move.  Now I have a bit put aside.  By my calculations, if I stay put, by December, I will have a good lump sum put aside to move on.

Thirdly we went to America for Christmas.  We started out in Miami (which is an awesome city!!) and I bought loads of make up (I discovered Bobbi Brown Foundation, concealer and powder and it is awesome!  I highly recommend!  Finally I found a foundation that doesn't make me orange!), new face care (Lancome...I highly recommend, it's pure luxury) and a got a new tattoo!!!  (A feather across my collar bone...I booked in to get the rest of my sleeve on my left arm done.)  Plus I bought a new computer/tablet which I am using now.  I am usually a massive fan of Apple products but I purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro 4.  It's amazing.  I recommend it.

Fourthly, yesterday I got a fabulous beauty procedure.  I got my eyebrows microbladed.  It's like tattooing your eyebrows but they use a blade to make hairline cuts to make it look like individual eyebrow hairs.  It was a great experience.  It will take 10 days to settle down.  Today and for the next 4 days my eyebrows will look extra dark, then they will look very faint for the next 4 days and then they will emerge looking gorgeous!  I have to get them topped up after 6-8 weeks as when they are healing, some of the "hairs" will heal up and fade so they go over the faded ones and that will sort it (This service is free of charge!)  So today my eyebrows look.......menacing!

Basically Ragers and Ragettes, I want to take this year and find a new job, a new home and keep up my weight loss (I'm actually losing weight!!!  Woo-hoooooooo!) and get the life that I want. This year I am focusing on my health, mental and physical and getting the life that I want.

I wish all of you the most amazing new year and keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx