I hope that everyone is having a fab day today! It’s cool, cloudy and rainy but that’s Manchester for you! It’s not the worst. What Manchester lacks weather-wise it makes up for in its people, its culture and, of course, its shopping!
After going to bed last night at 8pm (yes you read that right….8pm) I woke up from a dream about sitting in a large Jacuzzi tub stressing that I didn’t have my shampoo to wash my hair feeling very refreshed! So today I rocked into work wearing a cute scarlet coloured shift dress with embellishment on the collar, a black cardigan, black tights and my leopard print velour platform and 5 and a half inch stiletto shoes, red lippy and yes, I rocked in wearing my oversized Oliver Peoples sunglasses (Kate Moss was papped once wearing the same exact pair of sunnies that I was rocking 2 weeks after I bought them…and if they are good enough for that skinny bitch, well they are good enough for me!) Joe*, one of my gay friends at work, said “Ooooooo, is that a young Elizabeth Taylor?” to which I replied, “Darling, Lizzy has nothing on me!” Girlies, if you are rocking up in something that you feel good in, you will have a great day and people will notice!!
So, let’s get down to business.
Manchester is England’s second (behind London) most populated urban area and there are 510,700 people who actually live within a 5 mile radius of the city centre. In this centre of culture, restaurants, pubs, clubs, museums and fabulous boutiques; it’s a singleton’s paradise!!
But, I have found it difficult to go out in a pub or a club and meet a man. (Usually by the time I get the confidence to do so, I am half cut and drooling on myself and I end up either scaring the guy, offending the guy or licking his face…) So I have joined the millions of people in the UK and decided to give online dating a go.
I first tried this back in the tall end of 2012. I did some free Facebook online dating thing and I met some interesting characters.
The first guy and I had a great first date. We laughed, the conversation flowed and we just seemed to click. We agreed to meet again and then on our second date he showed up completely plastered and said he loved me….in front of a crowded pub…yeah….I felt sorry for him and fed him the we can still be friends lines that us girls say to try and let them down easy. I was getting random texts and facebook messages from him that were a bit freaky so I blocked him.
Then there was Mr. Intense. Mr. Intense is rich, very rich and I think lonely and also very horny. You couldn’t have a conversation with him unless you mentioned sex. Now, as you all know, I am not a prude. I like to think of myself as a modern lady. But if you go into a relationship, yes the sex side will come naturally but if that’s all there is, then that relationship will fail completely. That and the fact that Mr. Intense insisted on sending me pictures of his rather small penis.
Bring in Mr. Cuddles. Mr. Cuddles lied about his appearance (He was way heavier than his photo but being a bigger girl myself, I know how it feels to be judged on appearances so I gave him a chance) and I had a good first date and then on the second date I found out some more about him. I met him at the pub around the corner from his house. At the pub, he mentioned that he hadn’t been honest with me from the start. He said he would explain when he took me to his house.
Well, his house turned out to be his mum’s house that he was living in…with his mum…and he had a 3 year old little boy. When we entered the house, he put his arm around my shoulder and said Mum meet my girlfriend Betty*. Wow…so his mum gave us a cheeky glance and said she was going to do her shift at the hospital and to “behave” and “have fun”. So he made me some dinner and poured me a large glass of wine and kept plying me with wine so I couldn’t drive. We watched a film, and during the film he proceeded to tell me what was going to happen in the next scene of the film…I was clearly annoyed and I couldn’t go home due to the amount of wine I had drunk and then he said…”let’s go to bed”. He helped me upstairs and we went to bed….he didn’t try anything untoward. He just spooned me all night. It was kind of nice in a strange sort of way.
Then I woke up to feel a raging boner poking my bum. He whispered in my ear, morning beautiful. Now one of 2 things were going to obviously happen. Considering he outweighed me by at least 5 stone, I was going to get the ass raping of a lifetime (which was definitely out of character) or I was going to get cuddled to death. Well, for and hour and a half I was being spooned and cuddled to death. I tried to remove his hands and I was thinking about resorting to biting him. But he then declared that he needed to go to the bathroom. So I took this opportunity to get up, get my clothes on and run!!!!
Then I went out with a guy who had a breast feeding fetish (he wanted me to “breast feed” him while he wanked himself off) and then the guy who was clearly simple. I mean it was like going on a date with a 10 year old guy who was stuck in a 35 year old's body. If he wanted to send me a text, I would get a text, a Facebook message and a what’s app message all at the same time. He would Facetime me and the conversation would be like:
Me: Hi you ok
Simple Guy: Yup I am fine (big cheesy and unnerving smile)
Me: Erm….how was your day at work?
Simple Guy: Good (same big cheesy and unnerving smile)
Stare at each other for a few minutes….
Me: Uhhhhhhh….any news?
Simple Guy: Nope
Honestly. I had to let him down by blocking him because he was so slow on the uptake. I told him that it wasn’t working and I pulled all the normal clichés and he just didn’t get the hint!
Then I took a break from the dating scene. In December, my friend Laura* (More about Laura* in tomorrow’s post) decided that I needed a boyfriend so she wrote a profile for me on a popular paid dating website. So I tried again. I had a few good dates that kind of fizzled out.
So far I have met up with the guy who looks like a turtle (that’s kind of fizzled out), the fittie but that too has fizzled out, a boob honker, a very sexually repressed guy with a nice smile and then I starting talking to this guy who was a total sexist prick. He had strong views on everything. We had a 5 hour phone conversation (this was before I found out what a total bellend he was) in which he told me that he didn't toleratealcohol consumption, that I would have to get my tattoos removed and that I shouldn’t take contraception because he doesn’t want his girl to be “high” on hormones. Wow. What a catch. You tell me what to do with my body…you’re delightful!!! And when the phone cut off he called back demanding to know why I didn’t call him back. I blocked that twat very quickly!
The funny thing is that even despite all the above examples, I still believe my Knight in Shining Armour is out there. It might end up that he is stuck up a tree somewhere and that I have to rescue him. I will meet him in time, I know and I have kissed my fair share of frogs. But I will still keep believing and I will still have faith that he is out there.
Basically girlies, there are some lovely guys out there. If you are a single lady don’t give up. There are really some genuinely good guys out there. Sometimes they are in front of your face!
So until next time, dear readers, stay fabulous!
Love Always
Betty Rage
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent…
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