Hey Ragers and Ragettes.
It’s a cool day here in St Helens.
So I am wearing my blue long sleeved t-shirt, my bell bottom jeans and
my trusty cowboy boots. Nice and comfy.
The past weekend I had my extensions put back in so I feel somewhat
human. I’m wearing them long and sleek today.
I haven’t been well.
It all kicked off on last Friday with my new job. I made a huge fuck up and I hold my hands
up. This set off a chain reaction and
well, my start date got moved forward.
There are several versions of my CV out there on the job
boards. In fact there are CV’s of mine
that are about 4-5 years old! When I
went into the interview for my new job they had an older version of my CV that
had me still at the place I worked in Manchester.
And I stupidly didn’t correct them. I also stupidly gave them that company as a reference. Double stupid. So when they looked at my references, the
first reference came back as a glowing reference. Then the reference from the job I had for 6
months in Manchester gave a bog standard reference and the dates of employment
didn’t match up. So on Friday, I
received a call that made me feel nauseous.
My new manager called first and said “they would get back to
me if the job was still mine”. I freaked
out and started crying. My dream job,
and I felt sick. I could lose my dream
job because of stupidity.
Half an hour later, the Finance Director called back and wanted
to know why there was a discrepancy. So
I told him the truth. There are a few
versions of my CV out there, I didn’t know which one they had and I stupidly
didn’t correct them. It was an oversight
and totally out of character. Luckily I
gave them 3 references. They called my
third reference who gave me a fabulous reference.
That reference saved my bacon. Then the finance director said that they
would take me on but I had to start on Monday…as in Today.
I felt sick. So I
started to frantically call my new landlord.
I cannot move into my new place until the 11th. I’d also have to walk out on Simon’s business
and fuck him over.
Now you must be thinking why do you care? Just walk out.
There is a problem. I
have been described as an empath. For those
of you that don’t know what an empath is, it is according to google, someone
that “feels and absorbs other people's emotions
and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. These people
filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time
intellectualizing their feelings.”
So seeing Simon get his heart
broken and now breeching my contract and hurting him more…..that actually made
me feel sick. Like really sick. This has been hard for him, but I can assure
you, this has been hell for me. Today I
am feeling nauseous. I’m spontaneously
bursting into tears. Last night I
started crying and Simon hugged me. Why
is he being so nice? Why can’t he be an
asshole? Why can’t he beat me? Cheat on me?
Do drugs? Why? Why does he have to be so lovely?
But as Suzanne said, yes he is
lovely but he isn’t the man for you and the thing is, she’s totally right.
Anyway, I went into full panic
mode. I threw up and just felt
sick. I was buzzing around to see how I
was going to break this to Simon, starting way before I should….I stewed for
about 2 hours on this.
Then I realised. I am getting worked up about this job. They are asking something of me that I don’t
want. Grow a set of balls Betty and
stand up for yourself!!! They want me to
start my new job earlier out of desperation.
Yes I fucked up. Yes, I dropped a
major clanger there. But you know
what? My 2 other references which
actually told them about my abilities came back, “stellar” according to the
finance director. And that means they
know I’m good. So, if they want to put
unnecessary pressure on me and make me sick, is it worth it? Are they the sort of company that I should
work for? All I need is a week. A week to tie up loose ends here. Get my mind sorted.
So I called the Finance Director
back. He didn’t pick up so I called my
new manager back. He picked up the phone
and he was in the car with his wife (The CEO).
I told him firmly that I am starting on the 30th as it wouldn’t
be fair to leave Simon in the shit and it is my birthday week and I want to get
these things out of the way so I can come in fresh and ready.
You know what? He and his wife agreed totally. They were fine with it. I couldn’t believe it. I felt it was a little victory and that I am taking control of the situation.
So now I am trying to get Simon’s
business sorted out. I want to leave him
in a good position, why? Because Simon
could have been worse. He could have
been abusive, destroyed my stuff, he could have made my life unbearable. But he hasn’t. He’s been sweet, kind and loving. And to leave him in the shit and hurt him
even more, I just can’t do it. I want to be as civil as possible. Plus there is
still the matter of the house to duke out…I think it would be better to tread
carefully and work with Simon than to steamroll him and leave him feeling even
more hurt.
Simon's parents came in today so I told them everything. They both were ok. the reason why I told them is because Simon wouldn't until they walked in one day and I was gone. I wanted to do this on my terms and they deserve to know and I would rather have it come from me. So I took control of that situation.
It feels good to be in control. I can't control everything but the things I can control I am doing my best to. That's how I am going to make it through this situation.
So the next few weeks for me are
going to be hard. So I have decided to
break it down in numbers:
7 – the number of days until I
start my new job
19 – the number of days until I
move out into my new place
32 – the number of days until I see
Suzanne again
58 – the number of days until I go
home for Christmas
69 – the number of days until New
Year’s Eve so I can kiss this wretched year goodbye and start afresh
And those numbers are my
focus. The promise of a new day, new
experiences and a new year.
As my sister said to me this past
weekend, fear not. This too shall pass…
Until next time Ragers and
Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
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