Hey Ragers and Ragettes!
It's a rainy cold day here in St Helens. It suits the mood to be honest. As the title suggests, some serious shit is going down.
I left my job in Manchester as I was tired of going back and forth. Plus it wasn't a permanent position. They wanted to get rid of the girl that was on maternity leave and they were going to use me to do so because they didn't like her. I thought that it was underhanded and devious. If that is how they treat people, I don't want to be apart of that. Plus my manager didn't like me. He was rude and when I asked for help he was always too busy, even though he said that he wanted to make sure my department had all the support it needed. So I took the decision to walk away.
Simon and I talked and he took me back and I am working for him again. It was a hard decision to make but I thought that I could maybe make it work. Plus the albatross around my neck that is the house, I thought do it for the house.
Well, when I got back to my life in St Helens, things pretty much went back to how they were. It's like putting on an old pair of leggings that have holes in them and are threadbare. Yes, they are comfy, yes when you eat pizza they don't dig into your belly. Yes, they are a wardrobe staple and you can even get away with wearing them in public with a long dress over the top. But at some point, when you are out and about, you'll look down and see a a huge run in them that you can't hide any longer.
It as the same old shit at work. Men being stupid. The girl I hired in the office is an aggressive know it all. Simon still dicks around all day instead of trying to get his business back on track. I am left frantically making phone calls, sending emails and doing what I can to plug the holes in a sinking ship.
Since I have been back, I managed to free up equity, get some cash back in his business, get a refund from the government for 30,000 and keep everything afloat.
Simon at home has been helpful. He does help clean this big 4 bedroom house but this house does not feel like mine. Everything is high tech and my mark isn't on it. We have alarm systems, a lawn mower that automatically goes at 3am to cut the lawn, Automatic vacuum cleaners to vacuum the carpets. I can't even open windows because it sets the alarm off. Plus with the cat, all door have to stay closed. I can't even get fresh cut flowers because the cat knocks them over or tears them up. I can't put any photos on the mantle for the same reason. Then Simon decided to get 2 birds. 2 birds that love screeching and squawking through the day and night.
But it's not just that....I haven't had sex with him for ages. To be honest, I don't want to. He doesn't repulse me, I just don't feel like that anymore. I love him but I'm not in love with him.
So, last Monday, I received a text message from a guy asking if I was looking for works still. He told me what company he was from. And it's a beauty company. In fact this company is one of the biggest players in the beauty industry. I told them that I was indeed looking for work.
The man came back to me and asked if I could make an interview on Thursday. I told him that I could. Thursdays and Fridays I "work from home".
So on Thursday I put my black shift dress, black blazer, did a neutral make up look and completed the outfit with my Versace scarf and black stilettos. I set off (it is about 35 miles away) and made it in time.
The interview lasted an hour and 25 minutes. It started off quite light-hearted. I met the operations director (the husband of the CEO of the company) and the Finance Director (Who I spoke Italian with). We laughed and joked and I told them my story.
Then the CEO walked in. Wow. She was very glamourous. Like totally glamourous with the most plastic surgery I have ever seen on a woman. She definitely had her lips, nose and shitloads of botox done. Like loads. Her forehead was frozen! If she hadn't had the surgery, she would have been quite beautiful I think. I joked with them all and the interview went from feeling like an interview to a normal departmental meeting. The 4 of us were discussing ideas and such. It felt good. Then I felt it....my tummy lurched.
I have good intuition and throughout all this mess, the issue has been that I haven't been able to feel anything. At all. My tummy lurched, i think, because I knew that I found the place I needed to be and then the inevitable...
On Thursday night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about it. I prayed that I wouldn't find out about it so soon that I could process everything
I went into work and got tucked into the mundane spreadsheets that I was updating. Then I received an email.
They offered me the job with a good salary and pay rise in 6 months. They sent through an offer letter too
I went to the toilet and threw up. I have a choice to make.
If I go ahead with the job, I would have to walk away from Simon, the house and everything, I am NOT doing a 70 mile plus commute a day. And I am not doing the get an apartment and come home for the weekend to only sit there and do fuck all. No. I don't want that life again.
I want my pre-Simon life back. I want to have a good social life, have fun, watch football, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty. I want to go out with my friends again. I want to focus on my fitness (my weight lifting is coming on leaps and bounds.) and getting my confidence back. I want to take weekend breaks.
With Simon, this is impossible. We don't go out. He just sits on his ass and watches TV. We went to the Trafford Center last weekend, whooptie do. We were back in by 4pm and in bed by 8:30. That is not the life that I want. I have a wardrobe full of shoes and cute dresses that are begging to be worn on a night out.
So this morning I started the breaking up process. I told him about the job. I told him that I wanted it and that I wasn't happy. He burst into tears. It was like kicking a puppy. The first thing he said was what about the business. I need you.
That hurt, a lot. He wasn't arsed about the relationship. He was more concerned about the business.
When you try and confront Simon about something like this, the shutters go down and he doesn't talk. You'll sit there in silence and wait for him to say/do something.
He just sat there. Staring into space. And I am trying to see how far I can push. I want to tread carefully because of the house. When you wrong Simon, or if he perceives that he has been wronged, he can turn quote nasty and vindictive. I don't want to be on the receiving end of it.
So I am doing this break up in stages.
Stage one is completed. (telling him about the job and my unhappiness) The next stage is the hardest. The actual break up. I am really not good at this shit. I hate hurting people. I hate making people cry. But I know that this is the best thing for me and for him.
Stage three is the what happens next stage. This is going to be messy. This is where we decide what is going to happen to the house. By law he has to buy me out or sell it. This is where it will get complicated.
In the meantime though, I have 2 possible places that I can stay. One of the girls I used to work with has a spare room she told me I could stay in but to be honest she is being a bit unreliable. Rita has chimed in and said that I can stay with her and I might actually take her up on that. I would only stay with her a few months until I get back on my feet. (that would take a couple of paychecks, so after Christmas)
So much to think of and to do; I'm overwhelmed and scared. I can survive most things. I have been made homeless before and I pulled through and sorted things out in 24 hours.
The worst part of this is breaking up with Simon. I know that in 6 months time, it will be a distant memory. But it's getting through now which hurts. I wish I could fast forward to New Years Day when all of this is done.
But for now, I have to pull up my big girl pants and break up with Simon.
So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please pray for me and please keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
You will do it. YOUR way. It's the Betty Way.
ReplyDeleteFull steam ahead with Confidence.