On Post Break Up Feelings

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold Friday here in South Manchester.  Today I am wearing my sparkly red belted sweater with my bootcut jeans (which feel rather loose, my belt has gone to the next notch up), my cowboy boots and my red matte lippy firmly in place.

 

I have wanted to write about a lot of things recently.  A lot has happened.  But there are a lot of issues going on in my head.

 

Breaking up as the hardest thing I have ever done.  Moving house and starting a new job thrown on top?  Yeah, I appear calm on the surface but deep down inside I am a glorified mess.

 

My appetite is gone (great for the waistline!), I’m tired and I burst into tears for no reason at any time.  Great.

 

You see, in my head, I thought that I would just get up, leave, and forget.  My life would all of sudden become so much better.

 

Wrong.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in a better place in my career.  I love my job.  I really love it!  I have never felt so satisfied in a job before!!!  My new place to live is odd but it is 2 miles from work, it is temporary and thank fuck I have a lock on the door because I think my housemate might be a pervy sort of bloke, more about that later.

 

It’s the nothingness I feel that I think that is getting to me.  Last Friday Suzanne and I went to the Christmas market and had a great time.  And on that day I got chatted up by 2 men!!!  One who was younger than me and one that is covered in tattoos and has a crow tattooed on his face.  Nice.  And you know, usually I wold have been like, wow, people find me attractive.

 

But I just don’t give a shit.  My libido is gone.  Completely.  (Which isn’t like me).  And it’s been ages since I last had sex, I don’t even remember how it feels anymore.  The thought of anyone touching me sexually right now makes me feel physically sick.

 

I think the worst bit of this all is that I don’t know if I am doing this right.  I am feeling a lot of bad feelings.  I had a horrible thought about 10 minutes ago of just ending it.  I don’t know what brought that thought on.  So I did the only thing that I could.  I bought myself a cute sweater dress online just so I could have something to look forward to. 

 

I feel a lot of anxiety.  I feel displaced.  I feel like I don’t have a home.  I have the house and the new place where I am living now.  But they don’t feel permanent. 

 

I know that things will get better.  I know that it is darkest before dawn and all that sentimental shit.  I get it.  But I want to have a huge cry.  I want to have a meltdown of toddler proportions.  You know, stomp my feet, scream, throw things, break dishes, just release it. 

 

I feel bad about talking to people about it.  I mean people have their own shit to deal with.  Right?  Why should they take on my shit too?  I have always gotten through things by myself.  This time, I am struggling.  Like really struggling.

 

And to make matters worse, I heard from Jan.  He is moving back to Denmark.  When I got that news, I was in Manchester waiting for Suzanne last Friday.  I jumped into the nearest pub and bought 2 shots of vodka and a pint.  I downed both shots and drank my pint so quickly. 

 

You see, I always thought that one day he’d come for me on his white horse wearing a white button up shirt undone exposing his strong chest.  He’d lift me up on the horse and we would live happily ever after in Copenhagen in our stylish minimalistic house.  We’d both cycle to work, wear matching sweaters, drink wine, go out with our stylish friends…but I was obviously deluded. 

 

He is leaving and my heart broke again.  I know that this is the best thing.  This chapter has to close once and for all.  But I am hurting.  I’m hurting bad.  I feel shell shocked.

 

The men that are currently in my life are disappointments.  I have Simon (we still talk most days as friends) who to this day I have to still remind to do things (yes I should let go of that).  He still makes me laugh.  But the girl that is working in the office with him I think has started to make a move on him even though she has a boyfriend.

 

I started getting messages about me coming back to the house and what days are best because she is taking him out to dinner and she is doing this, that and the other with him.  And yes, you read that right.  SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.  She does this though to her girlfriends.  She’ll be inappropriate with other their partners, most of the time in front of her boyfriend.  I don’t give a shit because Simon and I are both single now.  He can fuck who he wants.  I guess that I am angry because her boyfriend is a friend of mine.  He’s a genuinely lovely man and deserves the best.  She doesn’t deserve him at all.

 

Then there is my housemate who last Saturday tried to shove his tongue down my throat and put his hands up my top.  I stopped that straight away.  Ever since then he has been super nice.  Last night he hugged me a bit too tight though.  Thank God there is a lock on my bedroom door.

 

But then there is my work husband.  He seems to be the most dependable.  Yes, he has a girlfriend and he takes care of her 2 children as his own.  He keeps fit, cycles to work every day, and he’s building a bar in his garden.  (I’ve been helping him with décor ideas)  He loves football, music and has a positive attitude.  He’s a lovely guy.  He’s hugged me a few times.  And in those few moments, I felt like some of the pieces have clicked back together.  Now I don’t think I have feelings for him.  He is just a friend.  And that’s how I want it to stay.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.  No fucking workmates.  And he is a colleague that I have to work the closest with.  We work in the same office, just the 2 of us.  We take care of each other by making sure that we are drinking enough water and in the insanely busy moments we are ok.  And he has a girlfriend so he is totally off limits. 

 

I hope though in time that when I do get back out there and this veil of darkness that is over my head lifts, maybe just maybe I’ll find someone as wonderful as my work husband. 

 

I don’t know.  All I know is that this feeling sucks.  I wish I could pack it up in a box and send it to Abu Dhabi.  I don’t want to feel yucky anymore.  And no matter how many platitudes I get, and all the “you’ll be ok, you’re strong”, and “you won’t be single long”, and my personal favorite, “You need to go out and dance and get drunk!”  Firstly I hate dancing unless it is my house to ELO (damn you ELO for making such catchy songs!!!) mostly in my undies and secondly surely I know what is best for me?  Just a thought!  I feel like no one really understands how I feel.  And the worst bit I feel that nobody cares.  I’m tired of coming across as the Teflon woman.  For once I want to be vulnerable, scared and I want to be able to cry and cry and not get preached at. 

 

But I know that these feelings and my place of residence are all temporary.  So I am just taking it one day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  Great times are ahead.  I know it.

 

Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn.  But when the dawn breaks, wow!  What a gorgeous sight it truly is!!!

 

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.

 

Lots of Love

 

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx