'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Here I am Ragers and Ragettes, in my childhood bedroom.  Listening to the Beatles surrounded by photos of me, my sister and my family.

The carpet has changed from cornflower blue to cream.  My writing desk from when I was a little girl is gone too (which is sad.  My Italian granddad sanded, varnished and customized it for me.) replaced by a smaller one.

A photo of me when I was 2 years old, blonde with a cheeky smile is staring down at me. 

So much has changed.  My homeland has changed.  Even in the last 12 months.

And as you all know, the last 12 months for me...well, there you go.

Being away has been good for me.  I spent $500 in Sephora (I had too!  It's makeup!!!!!!!!  Give a girl a break!!!!  And Fenty Beauty Stunna and Gloss bomb, I totally recommend!!) on new foundation and other bits.  Yes, I love, love make up. 

I met up with a friend of mine for our yearly catch up.  She is autistic and works with animals.  I like meeting up with her because there is no drama.  Yesterday it was different as she was quiet.  She had a hard year too.  She's on medication and the medication stopped working.  She looked like a shell of what she usually is.  I hugged her and told her that it was going to be ok.  I am here for her always. 

It has been hard this time around.  Not because of the last 3 months but because mama Rage isn't well.  Mama Rage is now officially disabled.  The bones in her feet are mashed up.  She is in constant pain.  She can't walk unaided.  She has a walker for upstairs and a cane for down stairs.  Even when she uses the cane she struggles, badly.  She winces because of the pain.

We went to Macy's and I had to push her around in a wheelchair.  I laughed and joked about it but my heart was breaking.  So to take my mind off of this, I did the one thing that made me happy.  I wheeled her around Macy's and we looked at fashion.

My grandma (mama's mom) used to be a seamstress to very wealthy people in the old country.  Mama used to model her designs and other designers creations.  So fashion is in my blood.

We looked at blouses, skirts and found that we have a lot in common in regards to fashion and style.  We both like the vintage 1950's designs.  The structured blouses, blazers, pencil skirts (I found 2 Versace inspired  pencil skirts that I need to go back and get!!) brooches and red lippy.  Yes, I am truly my Mama's daughter.  (I really wish Suzanne was with us!!!!!!)

But that worries me.  You see, her condition is genetic (osteoporosis and osteoarthritis) and if I don't get control of my eating and my life that could be me.  At the age of 69 being wheeled around.

So the pity party is now over.  Yes, Simon and I have broken up.  Yes, I moved out.  Yes I have an awesome new job.

Time to pull my head out of my ass and look forwards, not back. 

As I look at photos of my teenage self, eyes full of hope, I can't let her down.  I need to take control of my eating and my exercise.  I have been drinking a lot recently and that worries me.  I have slowed it down a lot since I have been out here.

Seeing Mama Rage in the state she is in has scared me shitless.  I have to make changes.  I have to.

So today I am taking control back.  Today I am fighting for my life.  My future.  My happiness.

So on this night before Christmas, I am going into the big day determined to be the best that I can be.  To fight to take care of my body and my mental health.  To treat my body like a temple.  To learn from my mother's mistakes.  To not have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair.  Also surrounding myself with good people.  People like Suzanne. 

So tonight, Ragers and Ragettes, look to the future with hope. Don't be sad.  If you are religious, the hope of Christmas day, the story is a promise of a new beginning.  A new way of doing things. 

If you are not religious, Christmas does have a magical feel to it.  I know a lot of people say that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people too.  This Christmas I hope that we can be kind, loving, patient, understanding and let the magic of the day fill our hearts with love.

So to new starts, a hopeful future and love to you all, Ragers and Ragettes.  Thank you for reading my posts and supporting me.  I love you all.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I wish you all a fabulously amazing 2018

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx