Thursday 1 May 2014

On Facing Your Fears and Being Only Human, After all.....

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Well, yesterday was my first proper day at my new fabulous job and I have to admit that I enjoyed every minute of it!  I was using my brain as I should for once.

My day was brought down horribly by a call from my old manager.  I didn’t answer the phone though.  My heart dropped into my stomach.  I felt sick.  I listened to the voicemail he left.  He wanted some notes I had typed up.  It left a bad taste in my mouth for some reason.  There have also been some leading and catty Facebook posts from my supposed “friends” at my old job.  The whole situation has made me want to run and hide.  But I know that I made this choice.  And do I regret it?  I don’t.  I know that I am doing the best for me.  But I am also human.  I know that I let people down and that it probably will fuck up any chance at a good reference.  Sigh.  It’s difficult sometimes. 

We are always told to “do what is best for you”.  When you do, you get screamed at.  I really don’t understand it sometimes.  It’s like do what is best for you but only when it suits the other person...
I didn’t let it get to me too much but it niggled at the back of my mind for a bit. 

I had a lovely day at work though.  I learned a lot and started answering the phones and taking on some of the shitty admin stuff that needed to be done.  I didn’t mind taking this on as I am learning about the business and I am actually getting praised for the work that I am doing.

When the warehouse lads went home, Simon and I....well......got amorous...over his desk.  Magic J
Then we went to the local pub and had a quick drink.  We got home and his mum was getting flustered and was also steaming drunk. My mum never got drunk...she’s tee total.  So seeing the mother of my boyfriend (that’s still a novelty for me to say....me, Betty Rage...having a boyfriend...crazy!!) getting utterly shitfaced was interesting...but I didn’t think less of her.  I cuddled her and fussed over her.  I think that she needs to feel wanted.  But don’t we all? After all, we are all human?

After dinner, Simon and I snuck upstairs and we got into bed.  A full day of working with each other and not being able to touch each other....well let’s just say that we both went to bed with massive smiles on our faces....

I woke up early this morning and went to my new gym that is next to my new job.  I loved it!!  Honestly!  It’s a new gym but there were few people in it.  In regards to the woman’s changing rooms, they are clean, modern, have hair dryers with straightening nozzles on them plus a place to plug your straighteners in. Result!!! It wasn’t my best workout but at least I did something.

I bought some bits to make Simon a sandwich at work for lunch.  I want to take care of him.  I think that it’s a primal need for us to want to take care of the people that we care about.  It’s those little things that I enjoy.  I know that it is sexist and stereotypical for us woman to make her man a sandwich but there is something nice about taking care of your man.  I smiled but again my tummy lurched.  I still had the matter of calling my soon to be old manager and discussing the handover document.  I didn’t want to do this.
So when I got a missed call off him again, I knew that I had to return the call. 

A smart person once said that you need to face these uncomfortable situations.  For if you face the lion, the lion will back down.  Sometimes when you face things they aren’t as bad as you previously thought them to be.  Most of the time, I think, we build things up in our heads and they get blown out of proportion.  Again, we are all only human.

I took a deep breath and called my manager back.  The phone went to voicemail, I breathed a sigh of relief but saw that he was trying to call me back.  So I reluctantly answered the phone.  The conversation was only 56 seconds.  But they were the most uncomfortable 56 seconds of my entire life.

No bad or scathing remarks were said.  I think it was the tone of voice.  My guilt switch got put onto overload.  But it was done.  I don’t think that I will have to talk to him or the others ever again.
And in regards to the whole Facebook thing?  Yeah, you can say snotty ass things on a social media page, hidden behind your screen or phone but you don’t have the balls to say it to my face...hmmmmmmm.....yeah, asshole much?  They are not real “friends” as real friends would have asked if I was ok.  Real friends would try and understand.  Yes, I left in probably not the best way but there were reasons for that.  I just wanted to move on.

The only one from my old work that gets it is Suzanne.  I miss that girl so much.  Next time I see her, I am going to give her the biggest hug ever and tell her that I love her and miss our lunch breaks.  I miss how she makes me laugh, her pearls of wisdom, and how she always makes me see the good side of life.

So after the call, I sat down and reflected.  I am not going to let this bring me down I decided.  I looked at Simon as he sat at his computer.  He looked at me and said, are you ok beautiful?

I looked at his face...his blue eyes, his cute freckles, the little scar on his top lip....I smiled, I think I am.
He walked over to me, sat down next to me and held me.  My man knew that I was human and sometimes we just need to know that we are going to be ok.  And when he wrapped his arms around me, I felt like I was going to be ok.  He kissed my forehead and I knew that I made the right choice.

With Simon I can be human.  I can cry, I can be upset and he will hold me and tell me that I am going to be ok.  And when he says it, I believe it.

We had a fab day at work and I made him a sandwich and he was so grateful for it.  That made me feel even better.

I don’t know what I am feeling and I apologise for this getting sickly sweet again.  I think I want to give myself a man up slap.

But Rager and Ragettes.  If you can get a few things from this post, firstly always face your fears.  They are a lot of times worse in your head than in reality.  And once you do, you will feel better.

Secondly, it’s ok to feel things, to get stupidly drunk, to admit fear.  It’s part of being human.  This journey that I am on, I am learning so much.  It’s ok to feel these things.

So I hope that made sense.  You all take care of yourself.

Lots of Love


Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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