On Being in a Relationship

Happy Friday, Ragers and Ragettes!

Well today is the day that I would have finished my old job and here I am in Simon’s company having the time of my life!  We are getting along well, everything is professional and there is the odd sexual innuendo but it’s fun! 

Some of my “friends” from my old job have unfriended me...how do I feel?  On the outside, it’s ok, not bothered, not a problem.  Inside?  Yea, a bit hurt but not overly bothered.  Instead of making assumptions I wish that someone would have contacted me directly and spoken to me.   But people are people and as one of my favourite songs says, “Never look back and never give up”. And as you remember, Ragers and Ragettes, if you keep looking back, that’s the direction that you end up going....

But life is changing quickly, new job, new gym, new boyfriend....

That brings me onto today’s topic. 

I haven’t been in a proper relationship for 2 and a half years (out of choice) and I have been a bit of a naughty girl.  I’ve been promiscuous and been out on plenty of dates, just enjoying myself. I’ve pulled a few men and had way too many to drink on several occasions.  I sit back here and reflect on how much I need to adjust my life.

Firstly, the sleeping arrangements.  I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep recently....for obvious reasons...but also, for the fact that having a man next to me I am all self conscious of how I look, does my breath smell bad in the morning?  Do I snore at night?  So I haven’t been able to relax.  Plus Simon gets very warm at night and most times I sleep in his arms without the covers on.  I usually like to starfish in my own bed.  So having an extra body (no matter how fit, and hot it is) is a strange feeling.

The sex is different.  When Simon and I met we practically tore each other’s clothes off and ravaged each other...on the floor right in front of where I work.  It was like rough, animal sex.  You know what I mean?  Now it’s more sweet, tender and loving.  Which is nice but a girl likes to be thrown around sometimes or she likes to dominate (as I have found out how crap I am at that!!).  But there is a slight problem. 

After work, the last 2 nights, we have tried to have sex in the office but Simon is struggling to....ermmm....arise to the occasion.  When we get into his bed we’re fine but I don’t know why he struggles at work.  Yes I do think it’s me.  I mean come on.  My body isn’t as toned and fab as it used to be (it will be soon though!!!)  so I am so self conscious of my tummy and my round face and chubby back.  But Simon says I’m beautiful.  And I do believe him but I don’t understand why he thinks this. 

The other change I need to get used to is just having the label.  Yes, it feels different being the girlfriend, the misses, the bird.  And Simon being my baby boy, my man, my boyfriend.  All I know is that it kind of feels nice and like I said yesterday, making him a sandwich and taking care of him is so lovely.  Coming up behind him and massaging his shoulders and him sighing in satisfaction makes me feel happy. 

It’s strange because this time last year I was happy being out, getting trashed, not caring about anything.  But then to have a person to care for, to be kissed first thing in the morning and to be told that even with my crazy hair sticking up every which way, no make up on, and with sleep in my eyes I’m beautiful....damn....that’s pretty amazing!

Things are going to change more.  A massive decision has to be made.  Today I am starting to view 2 bedroom flats around St. Helens....closer to work...closer to Simon.  How do I feel about that?  I don’t know.  I can’t afford it now but Simon said he’d take care of it.  Betty Rage ain’t no sponge!  And again, I don’t know how I feel about all this.  Leaving my little Rage Towers for something big and fabulous?  And will Simon be joining me?  Eeeekkkk!!!  It’s insane this whole thing.  It makes sense financially.  I will be saving about £200 a month in petrol costs but it’s the principle of the matter.

I love having my own space and being so far away from Simon.....Ragers and Ragettes, I’m scared that if I live in Simon’s back pocket, so to speak, the magic will go.  And  don’t want the magic to go.  I am starting to feel things that I have never felt before.  I am scared of royally fucking this up.  Workwise, it doesn’t matter.  Contractually I am sound.  It’s gone beyond all that.

I can’t imagine life without Simon.  A future without him terrifies me.  I read online that the biggest fear of being loved by someone is the uncertainty that they may stop at anytime.  This is so true.  If Simon stopped caring for me...if he stopped wanting me or calling me beautiful....God, what will I do?

Have I fallen in love with Simon????

This is something that I need to figure out.  As the next big hurdle to clear?  He’s meeting my parents on Tuesday night.  That is a truly even more terrifying prospect!

In summary though, I am happy with Simon.  Like any change in life there is an adjusting period and I think that I am going through that now.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please stay fabulous!

Lots of Love

Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxx