What A Difference 2 Years Makes!!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It’s a rainy cold day here in Manchester and I am secretly very happy with this!  I love autumn and I love the rain. I’m sitting here at work at my desk wearing my black AC/DC T-shirt, black skinny jeans, a black biker jacket, fiery eye make up and my hair in a bun with my trusty black heeled ankle boots.

This past week a milestone happened.  It happened so quietly that I almost didn’t notice.

This past week was the 2 year anniversary of breaking up with Simon.

I have been trying to not think back.  I feel that if you look back, that is the direction that you move.  Backwards.  I have been pushing myself to look forward and focus on the future and the present.

But I have to admit that when it dawned on me the significance of this date, I did look back at the last 2 years.  

I remember the pain of the breakup.  I remember starting my new job.  I remember moving out and trying to start my life over.  I remember feeling sad, anxious but a bit excited about the future.  I think about all I have been through in the last 2 years.  There have been highs.  There have been a lot of lows.

But I pulled through.

I am now sitting here thinking am I better off?  I think I am. 

I’m in my own home.  I am safe.  No one is stealing from me or threatening me.  I feel more settled.  The location of my new home isn’t 100% right.  My heart belongs back in Manchester city centre definitely.  I sometimes think back to those days when I used to look out my panoramic window in my old flat.  I could see the Beetham tower.  I remember going to my favorite pub and getting warm in front of the big fireplace with a book and reading for the afternoon.  If I wanted to, I could walk to town in 15 minutes.  I miss those days, that is true.

My job is going from strength to strength.  I am proving myself and I am being heard.  Not being pushed aside and struggling to be heard.  This has caused me to develop a horrible habit of interrupting people.  I’ve had 3 years of fighting to be heard.  I’m working on stopping that habit.  I’m even looking at a promotion if I sort out the other side of the business and I will get that promotion.

Some days I am a bit hard on myself.  Sometimes I think did I do the right thing?  Did I make the right choice in my life?  Some days I don’t know if I did.

The last 2 years, I punished myself a lot.  I punished myself for hurting Simon and by doing that I hurt myself a lot.  I ate bad food, I hung around toxic people, I drank a lot, I didn’t take care of my body.  I even self-harmed at one point.

But then when I got the keys to my new place, I decided to chose happiness and freedom.  I’ve been in my new home for 6 months.  I’m only now starting to feel at ease.  I even bought a Christmas tree for the holiday season.  I never owned my own Christmas Tree before.  Suzanne is coming over to help decorate it.    

Recently I have started pushing myself to be a better version of myself. I have gone back to eating a good diet full of good healthy food.  I’m not skipping meals or starving myself anymore.  I’m back at the gym pushing my body.  I am not drinking anymore.  I am taking care of my body.  I am putting make up on again.  I am changing my style.  I’ve even started meditating for 20 minutes a day.  I’m working on not being a people pleaser.  To stand up for myself and say no.  (That aspect is quite empowering)

2019 has been the year of preparation for the good times ahead.  2020 those good times are going to happen. 

Next April I will move back to where my heart is, the city centre.  I will get that promotion at work.  I will win the battle for my health and get my healthy body back.  I will be stronger.  And I will be ready to full commit to a relationship.

After a forest fire, the green shoots start to pop through.  That’s where I am now.  

It as taken time but it is happening.  Things are coming together slowly.  

So as I sit here and I look at the rain, I smile the smile of a warrior that has come up with an infallible battle strategy.  The last 2 years knocked me down but I got back up.  It’s my turn to win.  It’s my turn to be happy.  It’s my turn to be free.  My time is now.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes.  Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

There Ain't No Cure for the Summer Time Blues

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Well, summer has been winding down, thank God!! 

Yes, I am one of the few people that suffer from the summertime blues.  The beginning of Summer is always promising.  Then it just gets a hot, humid, sweaty mess.  My hair cannot take it!!!!

So around about August, the Summertime blues climaxes for me

This year has been particularly bad.

Since I have moved into my new place, I have mentioned in previous posts, I am now finally digesting everything that has happened to me.  There has been a lot of tears, tantrums and even dark suicidal thoughts. 

This summer has been strange.

Firstly, I have come to the decision, as much as I like being on my own in my own place, I can't do village life.  I need to be in the city center.  Whether that is Manchester, Liverpool or some other city, I need to be in the thick of it.  So when my lease is up next April, I am moving out.  My home is great.  I love how it has stayed lovely and cool in the summer, but it's just too boring.  Plus I have a really nosy neighbor.  She is an old lady who I think is rather lonely.  Someday's, I want to just get in and take my bra and pants off and just relax.  I don't want to talk to people.  I just want to sit back and do nothing.  She likes to chat to me and she constantly repeats herself.  She is a lovely lady just a bit too nosy.

Also, I am living a little too close to my old crazy ex-roommate. I get scared that I am going to bump into her when I am out and about.  That's why I want to be back in the city center where I feel safe in the anonymity of the hustle and bustle.

Secondly, Mr Wonderful I don't think is the right man for me.  He is 52 years old, 15 years older, but he is an old 52.  He forgets everything you tell him, he falls asleep early on the couch and finally I took him to a place that is very special to me and he was just bored with it.  He doesn't like going for walks, like I do.

But he has also bought me tickets and paid for a 5 star hotel in Barcelona for my birthday...yeah....So I feel a bit stuck.  He's so nice but he's not just for me.  Plus in the bedroom, he sometimes cannot rise to the occasion which is rather embarrassing.  Plus it's to the point that the "cute" little quirks that were cute at first are now down right irritating.  He makes this grrrrrr'ing sound and he even texts it!!!  It actually greats right on my B Cups!!  This is why I am happy he lives so far away. 

I'm going to let it run it's course and relish in the fact that he treats me like a goddess.  I believe the situation will sort itself out

So I have been bumping along in my new surroundings, getting used to how things are and just going through the motions.

Work has been super busy.  The whole summer I have been repricing the whole product range, a task I had to do 7 times!!  Yes, 1,105 products repriced 7 times.  That sucks.  We are finialising everything now.  So after this week I don't have to think about it anymore.

I always seem to come alive when September 1st hits.  It seems to be a time of rebirth for me. That's when new prospects show themselves and I meet new people.  It's always an exciting time and I have to say that I am really looking forward to it.

The last part of August is when I usually have a meltdown.  This has happened.  It usually entails a lot of crying, feeling helpless and scared and like a victim, which I detest!!!  Victim mentality is loser mentality. 

But also, the weather turns.  It gets cooler, sweaters come out, boots, darker evenings, leaves turning beautiful colors.  It's the season of hot cocoa, chilli and fleecy pajamas.

Yes, I am counting the days down!!!

So, here I am.  I am doing the best I can to find where I belong.  Here I am taking care of my health, I am back at the gym and eating good food.

Plus I am excited to change my hair again!  I am working with the work's salon and I have found a great new color!  I cannot wait to get it done!!!

So, Ragers and Ragettes, 3 more days until the start of autumn,  (I know the official start of autumn is September 22nd, but for me it starts turning September 1st!)  3 more days until the new phase of my life starts.

My mood is changing.  My attitude is improving, I see the finish line ahead...

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxx

On Men

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

It's a very warm day here in the Northwest of England!  Thank heavens I had a full pedicure done!!!!  I can wear sandals and wedges with confidence now!  Trust me my toes were a right state!

Have you ever found that when you have wanted something for such a long time and you finally get it there is the initial excitement.  Then after a month or so, you get a bit of a come down.  That's kind of what I am feeling now.

Well, here we are.  I've moved out.  I've split up from Simon.  In fact it has been 20 days since I last spoke to him.  This is a good thing.  I am letting go.  Slowly but I am letting go.

I am in my new home.  Now what?  I have asked myself this for the last few weeks.

I don't like the fact that I keep looking back.  The only reason why one should look back is to see how far they have come.  And I have!!!

I have a lovely apartment that is quiet, safe and in this hot weather the trees shade my side of the building so I don't sweat at night.  It's lovely and cool.  I have my own parking place so I can stay late at work without having to worry about getting a parking space.

I am losing weight again.  7 pounds in 2 weeks.  I am eating so healthily.  I haven't really been exercising but Suzanne and I have been going to parks recently.  This Saturday we are checking one out close to home.  I've been to this park.  Its beautiful and has a cool vibe and history about it.

Mr Wonderful has been.....well.....wonderful!  He's coming over the first weekend in August for a visit.  He's lovely but as I told Suzanne once, nice fairytale sex is great but sometimes a girl just wants to be shoved against a wall or bent over and slammed over a table and just fucked.  Us girls are strange aren't we?

But I look at my life now and I see how it is.  I compare it to how it was 4 months back, I'd take this in a heartbeat!!! 

The funny thing is now I am settling in and I am trying to remember how to live again.  I started reading the posts from when I started this blog.  God, I have become boring!!! 

But in this state of boringness, something interesting has happened....People have come out of the woodwork.  More interestingly, men.

When I started this blog, I was dating around.  And would you know some of the men that I dated are still single. 

I started talking to a few of them and all I have to say is thank God I didn't go there!!! 

I have had some interesting ones contact me.  

The smiler.  He is harmless.  He is a bit tapped in the head as in I don't think that he is all there mentally.  He's a lovely person but.....ermmmm...I need someone who is more savvy, shall we say...

Then the guy who gave me the perfect first date contacted me.  Our first date was romantic, perfect, sweet, and amazing.  We laughed and had a great time.  The second date he arrived completely shitfaced and proposed to me in front of a packed pub....ermmmmmmmm..............no.  He wants to meet up for a drink.  Pass!

Ahhhh then the shit Christian Grey.  Yes.  This one is an interesting one.  He drives a nice car, dresses and smells lovely.  He looks like a gentleman.  Dresses like one.  Has the smile of a used car sales man though.  When you talk to him, its all sex. Sex, sex and nothing else.  But he obviously read 50 Shades of Grey and interpreted it very badly.  He talks the talk indeed.  When we met for a first date he was charming.  But when we got in his Range Rover, it turned weird.  He got rough.  He pulled my hair very hard (which I hate!!  And especially now with my beautiful hair extensions in!!) and tried to make me suck his pathetically small dick.

So money can buy you a lovely car but it can't buy you a personality, manners and if you are trying to be Christian Grey first thing's first, know your shit.  If you're into that and I ask about stuff that is in regards to BDSM, don't speak to me like I am a freak.  You're the one that clearly has women issues.....and if you have to constantly tell me you're a good man, you probably aren't..

I'm at an age where I think I want to settle down but I want it to be with the right man.  Mr Wonderful is great.  He treats me well.  He's in another country and not strong enough.  I need a man that will put me in my place (but not like the shit Christian Grey) I need a man that will be a man.  Not just buy me off with fancy shit.  I want to be with a man that we can be a power couple.

I look at my boss.  She's an awesomely stylish and beautiful woman.  She is married to a man who is strong, opinionated, rough but they love each other.  You can tell.  When we are in the weekly management meeting, you can see him looking at her with that look.  You know....the I am in absolute admiration look.  The look that says I love you.  I respect you.  The look that says when we get home I am going to so take you.  That's what I want.

I want someone who will respect me for my ambition and quirkiness but will also be a proper man.  Not one of these man bun wearing, kale juice drinking weirdos that are out there now.  I am old fashioned.  I like a man to be a man.  

Is Mr Wonderful the man for me?  I have no clue.   He's lovely but he's missing that.........piece. 

I stand in optimism.  Mr Right is out there.  He is out there and he is waiting to meet me.  And when we finally come together it will be electric!!

But for the time being, I will enjoy my time with Mr Wonderful.  I will enjoy the fairytale sex.  The hand holding, kisses and cuddles.  We will go out at night dressed to the nines.  I will put my 5 inch stiletto heels on again.  I will relish in feeling and looking like a lady.  

This is part of the journey and I am ok with that. 

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes.  Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

On Life After the Craziness

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Here it is a cold and rainy June day in the Northwest of England.  To me June should always be hot but that's ok.  I do love rain.  Something so cleansing and calming about it

Well, I've had a busy few weeks.  I went to China for work for a week which was good.  I went with *Anna (Name changed to protect the innocent) who deals with Quality Control for work.  It's always an eye opening experience going to China.  This trip was different.

Anna got food poisoning (room service eggs....not a good idea!) and she was in her room sick for 2 days.  I took the opportunity to sort my head out.

I realized a lot about the last few months of my life.  I realized firstly how lucky I am.  I have a great job, I have my own place and now I have the opportunity to get the life I have always dreamed of.  I realized that I have been reliving the pain again, and again from the last 19 months.  Anna says I worry too much and I think that she is absolutely right.

Work has been a bit difficult.  Back in December I wrote about the management picking me apart and I thought that I was going to get fired?  Well, in January I had some of my "powers" taken away from me.  They wanted someone to check my work, which isn't an insult.  The insult was the person that they wanted to check my work...enter Nina* (name changed to protect the innocent).  Nina was hired in July last year.  She was brought in (on a hell of a lot more money than I am on) to be the office manager.  I honestly cannot tell you what she does for a living.  All I see is that she talks to people and smokes.  And causes a lot of girls issues.  One of the girls used to get proper anxiety because of how she just throws work at her.

Well, ever since she has been checking my work, she decided to change how I do my job which has put me and the business in a bad situation.  Each week at the weekly management meeting, I have been torn apart, picked at and usually after each meeting I am in the bathroom trying to save my eye make up (Urban Decay Setting Spray, the best product ever!) from crying

Recently I thought fuck it.  I'm leaving.  I'm moving to Geneva with Mr Wonderful and everyone can just fuck off.

I was thinking about all this when I was sitting on the beach behind my hotel (who knew China had such beautiful beaches????) and I realized quite a few things.

Since I left Simon, I have been using my work to bury my life and my feelings.  Work has been the one thing in my life that has stopped me from going insane. 

At work, I get very involved.  In fact too involved.  I am the woman that everyone goes to when they have extraneous questions.  I started taking a lot of crap on my shoulders that I shouldn't.  I sat on the beach and thought, is this it? 

It's not good enough. 

When I got back into work last Thursday, we had our weekly management meeting.  We all have an unwritten rule to not stir shit about each other in the management meeting as all us managers tend to get along.  Well, Nina decided to raise it that my figures are not good.  My jaw dropped because she's the one who is telling me what to do and signing my work off.  My managers said, schedule a meeting for next Tuesday (today) we're going through this.

I walked out of the meeting in tears again. 

I sat at my desk shaking with absolute anger.  Like proper rage.  I put my head down, listened to my music and got on with it.

I then felt a tap on my shoulder.  I looked up at Nate* (names changed to protect the innocent) the accounts manager sat down next to me. 

Nate and I have butted heads a few time.  He's ok.  He's older than me (about 10 years) and he talks to my chest and not my face.

He pulled a chair up next to me and sat down. 

Betty, he said, I am concerned.  You're taking on too much.  You are great at your job.  But you are not having a chance to do it.  I just spoke to the directors and told them this. 

I burst into tears again.  He put his hand on my back.  I thanked him. 

He said, it will get sorted.  Keep working hard and trust me, it will be sorted. 

I never would have expected that from Nate.  Never. 

I had last Friday off because I went to see Noel Gallagher on Friday night (amazing!!!!!!!!  What a great concert that was!!!) and I tried to not think about work at all.

Fast Forward to today.  Today was the meeting about stock.  Nina called in sick.

I started talking to my work husband about the meeting I was going to have an he told me that Nina is in deep shit with the management.  I had no idea. She always seemed like one of these people that shit gold. 

Apparently her performance was absolutely shocking.  I don't sit in the same office as her so I don't see a lot.  I have heard grumblings about this but I didn't know that management were looking into it.

Anyway, I decided to tell my managers the truth.  That I was unhappy with her and the figures are the way they are because she's changed everything.

Well, I did just that.  I told them everything.  They looked at me and said, she isn't checking your work anymore, Betty.  Send it directly to me instead

Relief!!!  I don't mind sending my work to the owner.  We work so well together.

So I feel better about my work.  Will Nina get the boot?  I don't know and I don't care.  At all. 

All I know is that I now for the first time in a long time feel calm and stable.  I feel like I am finally moving forward with my life.  I feel like I am winning again.

I feel like slowly I am getting my Bettiness back.  It's taken time but I am getting there. 

I know that everything is going to be ok.  And Mr Wonderful and I?  What will be will be.  I'm not stressing about it.

So there you go Ragers and Ragettes.  If something isn't right, go with your instinct and fight your corner.  You've got this!!!!

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your chin and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

On What Happens Next

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It's a cold day here so I am in Rage Towers in my favorite hoodie, pajama pants watching TV. 

It;s been just over a week since I moved out on my own.  And in that week I have enjoyed tremendously my new found freedom.

Last night though, I was sitting with a glass of wine watching my beloved Liverpool thrash Huddersfield and I had a strange thought. 

So Betty, you've moved out, what happens next? 

Yes, what happens next?

Now is going to be the part of my life where questions need to be asked and decisions need to be made about my future.

These are the things I do know. 

1.  I need to get eating properly again.  I am eating crap and drinking a bit more than I should be.  Also I have been broke recently.  I get paid on Tuesday so I can hopefully get into a normal flow and start eating proper food instead of pot noodles!!

2.  I need to get back exercising.  I made the decision to cancel my gym membership as it is very expensive.  So now that I have moved in, I want to find a better priced gym and get my body moving again.  There is a Yoga place that is local to where I live that does a hot yoga course £20 for 20 days and I am considering doing that.  Have 20 days of good eating, no alcohol and hot yoga and get my body back on the straight and narrow.

3.  Sort the man situation out.  Mr Wonderful is great, don't get me wrong but there are a few things that are bothering me.  He's a lovely guy but I have to constantly repeat myself and he repeats himself a lot.  As in he tells the same story again, and again and again. 
He lives so far away.  I don't want to move to Switzerland.  I really don't.  I don't want to be a part a time girlfriend.  I know people that do the long distance thing (and I have before) but it's not for me.   And when I do see him, I can only tolerate being around him for about 2 days then I get irritated.  Which is probably not a good sign....
I hate breaking up with people but I think I am going to have to tell him thanks but no thanks. 

The truth of the matter is that I am not ready for a proper relationship.  I need to work on me and get myself back to winning ways.

This is the part of my life where I need to put myself first and look out for my needs.  I need to settle in properly and make this new place my home.  (Right now I'm just basking in each moment.  My home!!!!!!!)

I know that everything is working out for me.  I know now that I have nothing holding me back and I can and will get the life that I have always wanted.  It will take time but first I have to rebuild my relationship with my self and get my body back to good health.

So this process is going to be an interesting one.  But a fun one.  And after all, it's all about the journey and not the destination.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

On The Big Move

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  Here I am broadcasting live from the new Rage Towers.

Yes, the move has happened.

In fact, here I am in my leopard print velour pajama bottoms and matching hoodie with a glass of Moscato watching the football like it is the most normal thing in the whole world.  My guinea pigs are in front of me and it feels so normal and so fucking good!!

I received my keys last Wednesday (I cried while video calling Suzanne...) and on Thursday the big move happened.

It went so smoothly!!  It went almost flawlessly!! 

I woke up early on Thursday morning.  I barely slept a wink as I was sooooooooooooooooooooo excited and I was over planning and over thinking.  (As per usual)

I started finishing bagging my stuff up (I filled my car with my junk on the Tuesday so when I got the keys on Wednesday I was able to move that stuff out) and started putting it down by the door.

My housemate got up (hungover) and went to work.

I just concentrated on getting all my crap downstairs and ready.  My friend Rita was helping me move.  Her boyfriend has a van and she borrowed it for the day and helped me out.

When she arrived, we had a coffee and a chat.  She bought me a really thoughtful gift.  A lovely quirky cushion for my new settee that fits in perfectly.  It says "New Future" on it which I thought was really appropriate.

Then we started filling the van up.  Everything fit in perfectly.  Literally.  My parents yelled at me when I was a kid for playing Tetris a lot.  Well, Mama and Daddy Rage, that Tetris training prepared me for the move!!!

The new place is literally 5 minutes from the old place.  We got to the new place and soon unloaded the van

We then went back and had to do a run to the tip.  I took my old bed and chest of drawers (both were broken) and there was some drama.  The tip closest to us wouldn't allow us in as our vehicle was too high.  So we had to go down the road 20 minutes.

It wasn't sign posted but in the end we managed to get it all dumped.

Throwing the old drawers and broken bed was so therapeutic!!!  It was me getting rid of the past.  When the last lot was dumped, I got into the van with Rita and cried.

I had to go back to the old house and clean the room, vacuum and get it looking good.

Rita gave me a hug and left.

I scrubbed, vacuumed and cleaned.  The cat kept coming up to me.  She knew that something was going on.

When I was loading the last bits into my car, the cat jumped in and refused to get out.  Part of me wanted to take her with me but recently she has been shitting on the carpet.  No thank you!

That's when I made a school girl error.  I grabbed her, threw her in the house and shut the door.  The door was one of these that once you shut it you are locked out.  I had put my old house keys on the kitchen table.  I forgot to get the internet equipment for my new place.  Whoops!  So I didn't have the clean getaway that I wanted.

My housemate finished work at 6 so I had wait until then.  I went to my new place and started putting stuff away until 5:30 then drove back.  Luckily my old housemate was in and I grabbed the internet equipment. She hugged me and told me that she hopes I'm happy in my new home.  I politely hugged her back.

When I drove off, the knot in my stomach went.  I felt true freedom. 

I put the hot water on, put more stuff away and then I took a hot bath.  It felt great to sink into the hot soapy water and feel my sore body relax.

I had an early night and slept like the dead!  It was amazing!!

The next day I woke up in a state of is this real? It was.  My new bed is comfy.  The cable guy came  over to put my internet in and get my TV sorted. 

The next day Simon was supposed to come over and drop off the guinea pigs, the TV and the bits I left behind at the house in St Helens.

When I woke up, I looked at my phone and saw a text from Mr Wonderful.  It read "Surprise!  I'm coming over!".  I kind of felt a bit irritated.  I checked the time that he was due and it was going to be tight from when Simon was coming over to when his flight landed.

Simon was running really late.  He was 45 minutes late. He was supposed to be at mine for 10:30.  When he had his new girlfriend in tow.  Awkward much?

Anyway, the guinea pigs were dropped off including the rest of my shoes, my vanity table, and other bits and pieces.

I got the pigs sorted and then ran to the airport to pick up Mr Wonderful.  He was in a cafe and he greeted me by picking me up and swinging me around as he kissed me.  It was lovely.  He gibves the best hugs ever. 

I had to go to the shop to pick up food for the guinea pigs.  He picked up an expensive bottle of champagne, some wine, beer and food for the piggies.  He then paid for it all.  I told him that he shouldn't but he insisted.

When we got back to the flat we made love.  We had a lovely weekend together.  He literally paid for everything:  my petrol for my car, food, drinks.  I felt a bit embarrassed.  I'm broke (7 more days until payday thank God!!!!!) but he didn't mind.  I still felt awkward.  I believe in a 50/50 relationship.

Anyway he left yesterday, I dropped him at the airport and came back to my new home. I started looking through a few bags that Simon brought over and I found my dildo.  Yes, my ex boyfriend packed my dildo in the presence of his new girlfriend.  That's not embarrassing....great....

So here I am.  Dildo safely in my bedside cabinet.  Everything is almost all put away.  I have only £40 in my bank account to last me until payday.  I have enough gas in my car to get me to work.  I have never been more happy or felt more free.  And so I know that I will be living on Pot Noodles for the next 7 days.  But you know what?  It's fucking worth it!!! 

People at work are asking me about my housemate and how I feel and such.  I have said the following:  That is the past.  I am not focusing on the past anymore.  I am focusing on the future.  I am focusing on being me, Betty Rage.  I'm focusing on taking care of myself and making my future bright and amazing.

Since I have moved, I haven't stopped smiling.  Things are failing into place and I am just feeling so free and relieved. I am watching football on my big TV.  My guinea pigs are munching on apple and parsley.  I am sipping a glass of moscato casually.  It seems to mundane but to me this is freedom.

The price of freedom?  I am broke for a week.  But you know what?  I don't care.  I can walk around naked, take a bath when I want to but mostly, Simon has moved on and now so can I. That is priceless.

So normal business shall resume.  The Betty from 5 years ago will be back, a little wiser but a hell of a lot more fabulous.

Yes, Ragers and Ragettes, the best is yet to come!!!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

On So Close to Freedom

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!! 

Well here we are.  Last time I checked in with you it was 41 days until freedom.  And here we are.  2 more days.

I look around my room and all cupboards are empty, all shelves are bare.  It's real.

After the weirdest, craziest 18 months of my existence I get what I have wanted for a long time....freedom.  My freedom.

Tomorrow after work, I get the keys to my new home.  I have packed my car up already with quite a few bags and tomorrow morning I will load my seats with more bags so when I get the keys from the estate agent for my new place I will offload my car and effectively start moving.

Thursday is the big day.  I close the book on this part of my life.  I am feeling great now but as a friend of mine has said I am a different person than I was 18 months ago, but in 2 days I will be yet a different person than I am today.

I think that the biggest challenge for me has been to try and be happy for the last 56 days.

I think that as a society we always say, I'll be happy when I get that job.  Or I will be happy when I lose this weight.  Or I will be happy when I find the man of my dreams.

I don't want to wait to be happy.  I want to be happy now.  So I have tried for the last 56 days to be happy no matter what.  It has been challenging but sometimes quite easy.

When I am alone in my room, listening to my music, or watching TV or writing, I am happy.  I love writing and listening to music.  I've watched a lot of great TV shows.  It has been a coping strategy. 

When I have been around my housemate, I have stayed guarded and kept our interactions to a minimum.  We have had some fun times together.  She has started drinking again.  We went out a few times and had a laugh.  But I have also found that when I drink to excess (and in this situation of being under pressure I have drunk to excess a few times) I get really, really depressed the next day.  Even suicidal.  I have done what I could to cope though.  I have decided to cut my drinking back considerably to maybe 2 glasses a week. 

But now I am breathing easy.  I am smiling most days and enjoying work.  I am working hard and to be honest right now I cannot comprehend the thought of having my own place. 

It's been 5 years since I had my own home.  I moved in with Simon and lived with him for 3 and a half years and the last 18 months I have drifted from place to place.  This will be my 9th move in 2 years. That's fucked up. 

But this time in 2 days I will be truly free.  I will be able to walk around my new home in my underwear.  I will be able to not be afraid that my food and booze will go missing.  I can bask and enjoy the silence and not be afraid that at night the door to my bedroom bursting open and having the ravings of a drunk.  I won't get panicky on my way back from work thinking what sort of mood is she in?  Or when my phone goes, I won't think oh my God, is she going to be abusive?

Plus I will have my own parking space!  Right now I have to leave work on time in order to get back to get a car parking space. 

I can't wait to decorate my home the way I want to.  I can't wait to be able to watch the football again.  (Simon is kindly giving me the old TV.  There is nothing wrong with it.  He just got a bigger and sexier one) I can't wait to cook and not have to negotiate fridge space. 

Money will be tight for about 6 weeks but you know what?  I don't give a shit.  I'll happily enjoy my lovely new home and not go out and socialize.

I know that in 2 days time I will walk a bit taller, smile a bit wider, and I'll be back to the Betty Rage I was when I started writing this blog.

It's funny how sometimes the wind gets taken out of our sails and it's funny how long it can take to get yourself back.

It's taken me 5 years. The last 18 months have almost broken me but they have also made me the strongest that I have ever been.

So Ragers and Ragettes, please don't wait to be happy.  Try and find a little joy in each and every day.  Even if it is the joy in each new sunrise.  Or the fact that you woke up on time. Or the clouds making beautiful and strange shapes.  Just find the joy that you can everyday and don't wait to be happy.  Happiness can be yours daily.

So until next time, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

On 41 Days to a New Start

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Today is a rainy day here in the Northwest of England.  Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! I took the day off as a personal day as I needed to just relax and get my head together. 

I told my house mate a few weeks ago that I am moving out.  She started out being ok and then turned nasty for about 3 days.  It was so bad that I broke down and had a panic attack.  We then had a heart to heart and we are now ok. 

So I have been apartment hunting.  I viewed a few and then I got the idea to go back to town where I lived when I started this blog. 

I drove back there to view an apartment, looking at the familiar scenery.  Memories rushed through me.  It felt good but somehow not right. 

The apartment I viewed...it was ok.  It was nice but there was one issue.  The windows were sealed shut.  Yeah.  Not being able to open the windows?  No thank you!

As I drove back it was nice going down memory lane.  Those crazy memories of those crazy times.  The dates, the laughs, the sex, Jan..... 

I then viewed a place closer to work.  The place was nice.  2 bedrooms, 10 minutes from work.  Very nice area.  It's a 10 minute walk to the train station and the village which has loads of restaurants, shops and pubs.  A place that I could see myself walking down in the village on a summer weekend wearing a sundress enjoying the scenery.  I could see myself going into the coffee shop and reading a book.  The local pub serves a decent meal and shows that football.  The quirky cute boutiques and restaurants I can see myself frequenting.

So today, I went in and put the money down and secured the apartment in the cute village 10 minutes from work.

This is a momentous day.

The last 2 years, I will have moved 9 times.  I haven't had a stable home for 2 years.  I'm done.  This is a new start.  This is a 12 month contract.  I am now getting what I want.  Closure and now I can move on.

I am already planning it all out.  The color scheme, the cutlery I am going to get, the color of the bathroom, getting shelving to put into the linen cupboard.  Simon is going to give me the old TV (there is nothing wrong with it, he just a shinier new model).  It's fully furnished and the bed in my room is cool and modern. 

This is my chance for a clean fresh start.  This is what I have wanted since that fateful day when I ended it with Simon.  I am able to bring my guinea pigs, take my vanity and the rest of my shoes (a shoe rack and a suitcase full of shoes!!) and clear out of St Helens for good.

This is what I have wanted and I am 41 days from getting it.  41 days until freedom.  Freedom to be who I want to be!

I can take baths on a Sunday without having to ask permission.  I can walk around my apartment in my knickers.  I can have a glass of wine without feeling like I am being horrible (my housemate is now 8 weeks sober) I can buy nice things without the fear of them getting used up. (seriously...nothing is sacred in this home....boundaries people!!!)  Plus I will have my own parking space (parking at where I am now is a nightmare.  If I don't leave work exactly at 4pm I don't get a parking space at all, night mare!!!)

So the paperwork has been filed, admin fee has been paid, credit check is done, they just need a letter from my employer to say that I am employed, confirming my salary and such and then I move in April 18th. 

This seems surreal.  It hasn't kicked in yet. 

I have been talking to Suzanne about it and she has been supportive as always.  In fact she said that she is going to do a painting for my new home that I will proudly display in my front room (Turquoise and blues in the front room!!!)

This is it, Ragers and Ragettes.  This is what I have been longing for.  Autonomy, a place that I can call home.  A place that I will decorate and love. 

Ever since I left Simon, I felt like a darkness has enveloped me.  I house shared, moved, I was sexually assaulted, I lived with a lady who had dementia, I've lived with an alcoholic.  I've been in fear, I have had panic attacks.  I have cried myself to sleep countless times.  A few times I have wanted to end my life.  I even planned to off myself after Christmas.  That's how low I was.  I couldn't see a way out.

But I feel the tide is changing.  Things are now becoming better.  I am getting stronger, more wise and I am learning each day what I want and what I don't want.

I am slowly getting back to the old Betty but also evolving into a wiser, tougher (fitter and skinnier) Betty. 

Mr Wonderful and I are still talking.  He's Mr Right Now I think and I am cool with that.  I think that this will fizzle out soon.  I don't hate him and he is now keeping me sane and positive.  I don't see him leaving Switzerland I don't want to move to Switzerland.  After I move in, I think that I will start to sort that side of my life out.

Yes, the last few years have been ups and downs. 

But it's time to look forward.  It's time to be strong and face the future with positivity and joy.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

Movin' On Up!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

Well it's been quite an interesting few weeks for me.  And the movement continues.

Today I received a call about the job interview that I had in Liverpool.  I got the job.  It's more money but I don't think I am going to take it.

The benefit package isn't as good as where I am now.  I get more vacation days in my current job, plus we get a bonus if we hit our sales target (more often than not we do!)  and I received a huge bonus at Christmas. 

At the job in Liverpool I only get a standard package.  No incentive bonuses. 

Plus I like the area where I live.  I think that I considered it because I want to so desperately move out from where I am now.

So I had a think and as both of my managers are in Austria skiing, I called up the silent partner who sits in on the weekly board meetings and told him that I was offered another job.  He sounded a bit shocked and standoffish but he called my 2 managers and he called me straight back saying that they want me to stay on and on Monday when they return they want to have a meeting with me.

And I think I am going to use this opportunity to get a better wage. 

I also decided to grow a set of balls and I told my housemate that I am moving out in April when there is a break in the contract.

She got upset, called me selfish and walked out and slammed the door.  I didn't feel guilty like I normally would, this is how I know that this is right. 

She has since texted me saying that she feels a bit sad and let down but so far she has been nice.  I have 8 weeks to find a new place to live.  I have 3 areas that I am looking for places in:  Manchester City Center, the area around work and I found this awesome converted mill building that looks so cool!!!

I can now finally take my guinea pigs with me.  I can change my address on my driving licence.  I can finally move on.

I know that the first few months might be a bit of a struggle but I know it's worth it.  My own space.  I cannot wait!!!

So there is movement now.  Positive movement.  The next 8 weeks might be a bit strange with my housemate.  She is 6 weeks sober almost and I am hoping that this won't tip her over the edge but I have to move on.

I am excited for the future and right now I actually feel......happy.  I feel so happy!!! 

So onwards and upwards indeed!!!

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx

On Eating my Words and Decisions, Decisions.....

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  Happy Friday night!!!  I am spending it in my favorite velvet pink jammies watching a Danish show.  My housemate and the guy she is seeing (she just needs to admit it, he is her boyfriend.  They go well together and he looks at her with adoring eyes...) are away for the weekend at a spa hotel.  So I have the house to myself, I've poured a glass of red wine and I have to say life is good!!

Well I had the second interview last night.  It went very, very, very, very well.  The guy who interviewed me would be my manager if they offered me the job.  We got on like a house on fire!!  We have a similar twisted sense of humor.  We swore, laughed and joked with each other.  At the end he said, Betty it's a yes from me.  I just need to get this signed off by management. 

Then I went to St Helens to my house to get my mail.  When I pulled up to our house, her car was there.  His van pulled up behind me.  There she was.  Simon distracted me as she ran inside the house and shut the door of the living room.  My mail (my car insurance documents) were in the hallway.  I took them and put them in my bag and went up the stairs to see my guinea pigs.  Simon followed me upstairs.  We chatted a bit (we are getting on very well as friends).  I cuddled my piggies and I heard a child's voice, Where is the lady with the pretty lips? 

I was wearing my favorite berry colored lipstick (Kat Von D, you do make a great liquid lip!!).  The voice shocked me a bit.

I took a deep breath and said, I better introduce myself. 

I walked downstairs, Simon following me.  I opened the door and there she was.  His new woman.  She was short.  About 5 foot 5.  Petite.  Horrendous teeth and even worse eyebrows.  But when I entered the room, the little girl, Luna* (name changed to protect the innocent) smiled.  She is about 2-3 I think?  She saw me and her eyes lit up.  I was wearing a black blazer, a white vest, skinny jeans and my leopard print stiletto ankle boots.  Luna's eyes lit up.  She smiled and ran into the kitchen.  My kitchen.  She started opening cupboards and showing me what was in each cupboard.  The cupboard with the tupperware (yes I had a tupperware addiction and I still do.....), then she showed me the cupboard that had pots and pans. 

She giggled and smiled.  I've always been awkward around kids.  I terminated a pregnancy and my ex boyfriend beat me so badly that I miscarried.  Children have always been a sticking point for me.  But here was this little ball of energy.  This beautiful blonde cherub smiling and enjoying the small things. I smiled and I took the bright green colander out of the cupboard and put it on her head. She squealed with joy and ran to show her mum.  Mummy look at my hat!, she squealed.  I stifled a giggle and Simon grinned.

His new girlfriend and I exchanged pleasantries while little Luna was showing me everything in the house.  The cat, the cat's toys, to contents of the cupboards. 

She kept pointing at my lips and her lips.  I guess the child has great taste in lipstick!

It was time for me to go home.  I walked outside to my car and Simon's new girlfriend followed me holding Luna. 

Luna said where is the lady with the pretty lips?  Simon's new girlfriend put her down and little Luna ran up to me with her arms outstretched to me.  I looked down at her, her blue eyes shining.  Such innocence.  I picked her up instinctively.  She wrapped her arms around my neck and I held her close.  I put my hand on the back of her head and held her like she was the most precious thing in the world.  A tear slid down my cheek.  I had a hard week.  I just met my ex's new girlfriend.  I saw all her stuff in my house.  I should have been angry.  I should have hated everything.  But here I was holding his little girl.  She hugging me as if I was an auntie or family.  When I held her...I felt ok.  I felt like everything was going to be ok.  I pulled away and looked at her.  She smiled and touched my mouth.  Pretty she said,  I tried not to cry.  I said to her and be good.  I put her down and she ran back to her mum.

I opened my car door and Simon approached me.  He hugged and told me to message him when I got back.

I drove away, tears running down my face.  What the fuck just happened? 

I had an interview for a potential new job.  A job in Liverpool.  A job 10 years ago I would have taken without thinking.  I met my ex's new girl and saw the life that he was building.  What the actual fuck? 

I got back to the house and my housemate started to question me about the job.  She is concerned about me moving out as she cannot afford this house by herself.

I smiled, answered the questions and she told me she supports whatever I decide.

Today I felt strange.  I put my phone on do not disturb.  It's like I didn't want to take the call.  It's like facing this is hard.  Part of me wants this job and the other half doesn't

I love my current job.  It's just the money and lack of leadership that I can't cope with.

I tried to sleep last night but I couldn't.  So I started googling the job.  I found that it had a poor rating on Glassdoor.  (Best Website to check out ratings for prospective jobs....thank me later!)  I spoke to the recruitment agent.  She said that the guy that I interviewed with liked me very much.

I expressed my concerns about the rating.  She tried to pacify me.  I still don't know how I feel.

Simon told me that Little Luna wants purple nails.  She wants the Lady with Pretty lips to paint her nails purple.  I feel quite...happy about that.  Little Luna and I will get along ok I think. 

I went through the whole day wondering what the fuck will happen.  No phone call

I left work and got home.  I put my first load of laundry in.  I ran back upstairs and saw I had a missed call.  My heart skipped a beat.  I listened to the message and I called the agent back.  No news. I have to admit I felt relieved a bit.  She said that the man that interviewed me really liked me.  She expressed my concerns to him and he felt really bad that he didn't articulate himself to me properly.  They don't want to lose me.  But still no concrete offer.

Ok, my head is frazzled.  I don't know what to do at all. I'm literally 50/50 about this.  The adventurer in me says go for it!!!  Move, it's a way out from where you are!!!  You will go to Liverpool which was the dream 10 years ago. 

But dreams change?  Goals change?  I love the product I work with.  I love the fact that I work in the beauty industry.  I love the people I work with....well mostly. 

I have a lot to think about.  All I know is that I want my freedom.  My own home and a payrise.  I want o move on properly and give myself to someone and love someone.  I hate feeling like I'm guilty for leaving Simon.  He is clearly happy.  Yes, she has shit eyebrows and even worse teeth.  But to be innocent and excited like little Luna...oh Little Luna...thank you for giving me the hug I needed.  Thank you for your excitement and joy at wearing a colander on your head.  Thank you for being cute and funny and for that hug.  That hug made a lot of things better.

This weekend I have a lot of thinking to do.  A lot things to consider.  But I now that it will all be ok.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

On Yet Another Transition Period.....

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!! 

Well it certainly has been awhile since I have written, apologies.  Life has been chaotic but positive.

There are good problems in life and bad problems in life.  Recently my problems have been....well....good.

Mr Wonderful and I have still been seeing each other, kind of.  When I landed at the airport in December after Christmas, he was there waiting for me in arrivals with open arms.  He is romantic.

He bought me designer handbags, some beautiful silver earrings and a silver bangle.  I bought him aftershave so I felt like a bit of a dick. 

We stayed in our favorite hotel and we decided to have a romantic bath together.  He bought a bottle of champagne (not the cheap stuff!!) and he poured it.  I sat my glass next to the bed on the bedside cabinet.  We were getting hot and heavy as the bath was filling, I went to take my jeans off, my leg shot up and knocked the champagne glass over, champagne spilled on the lamp which blew the fuse in our room!!!  That was very embarrassing and very graceful indeed!!

When the clock hit midnight on New Years, we kissed passionately and deeply.  I was wearing a bodycon strapless dress with a fishtail and stilettos.  He kept telling me how stunning I was.  He told me that I was the most beautiful woman that night. 

Designer handbags, 5 star hotels, compliments and ok sex.  I should be happy, shouldn't I?  I don't know how I feel.

I went to visit him in Geneva in January for his birthday.  He insisting on paying for everything.....even on his birthday!!!  He's a total gentleman.  I have never been with a man like him before.  I don't know if it is the distance or the age gap or Simon...

Yes you read that right.

Before Christmas I found out that Simon has moved on.  He's seeing this woman that works next door to him.  She's got bad teeth and shit eyebrows.  And she has a little girl.

I think the thing that bothers me is that Simon always said to me that he didn't want kids.  He said how much he hated them.  If there were screaming kids in restaurants or airplanes he'd always make rude comments about them.  He used to joke about having sex with a woman that had a child isn't pleasurable.  Now he's dating a woman....with a fucking kid???????  Seriously?????  Seriously?????  Now the house that we bought together is filled with baby stuff. 

The thing is that he wants me and his new girlfriend to meet and be friends.  No, Simon.  That is not going to happen.  If I meet her, I will be pleasant and polite but I will not befriend her.  Am I being unreasonable? 

To be honest, I just want to cut ties and leave.

This brings me to the next issue. 

Luckily when we moved in, we scheduled in a break in the lease after 6 months (April) and I feel that I am now ready for my own place.

There is a slight issue.  The issue is my housemate.

She has decided to clean her life up and I can proudly say that she is 32 days sober! She is seeing a counselor every Wednesday to help with her sobriety and she has started attending AA meetings.  She's calmed down a lot, I mean a lot, but she has been passing comments like, I couldn't have done this without you and you are like my mum.  She has clung to me.  I am scared that if I say that I am leaving she will revert back to drinking and get violent.  I need to tell her but there could be a get out clause.

This brings me to my next dilemma. 

Work has been ok.  After the issue before Christmas, I had my performance review and well, it was very, very positive.  I received a slight pay increase. 

I then received a call about a job in Liverpool for a very big company.  The position is beneath what I am doing now but MORE money.  How is that possible?  Like seriously?? 

I had the first interview which went well.  Tomorrow I have the second interview.  All I have to do is impress this one person to see if I fit into the team.  This position would see me travel to France monthly. 

So my dilemma.  Do I take the new job, use it as my get out of jail free card with my housemate and start a fresh new life in a new city?  That's the easier option.

Or do I negotiate a higher wage with my current job and move out to my own place, possibly getting my housemate riled up? 

This is what I know:
1.  I need my own place.  I cannot cope with sharing anymore
2.  By getting my own place, I can move the rest of my stuff out from Simon's, take my guinea pigs and effectively get Simon out of my life for good.  This way I can properly move on with my life and I feel that this fact is holding me back massively.
3.  I like my current job.  I like the area that my current job is in.  I just think that I am being underpaid. There are aspects of my job that I don't like, but to be honest, I do enjoy my current job
4.  Maybe my time in Manchester is up.  When I first moved to the Northwest of England, I used to dream of moving to Liverpool and working in Liverpool.  It's funny how wishes come true.  Maybe I am getting what my heart desired after a long time?
5.  Mr Wonderful and I...is there a future?  The distance sucks.  He's 15 years older than me.  It's a contradiction.  I like my independence.  I like the fact that we are apart sometimes.  But I also like the thought of being somebody's girl. 

The next few weeks are going to be difficult.  But there is an exciting road ahead. 

This time last year, I was in a cold house with a man that molested me.  I'm now in a place where I can move out and change things for my benefit.  I might struggle for a month or 2 but that struggle, to be honest is going to be better than where I am now.

The key is to continue to look forward and not back.  These are good problems to have.  I know that I will make the right choices.  I have good people around me:  Suzanne and Mr Wonderful have been so supportive. 

So there you have it!!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx