What A Difference 2 Years Makes!!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It’s a rainy cold day here in Manchester and I am secretly very happy with this!  I love autumn and I love the rain. I’m sitting here at work at my desk wearing my black AC/DC T-shirt, black skinny jeans, a black biker jacket, fiery eye make up and my hair in a bun with my trusty black heeled ankle boots.

This past week a milestone happened.  It happened so quietly that I almost didn’t notice.

This past week was the 2 year anniversary of breaking up with Simon.

I have been trying to not think back.  I feel that if you look back, that is the direction that you move.  Backwards.  I have been pushing myself to look forward and focus on the future and the present.

But I have to admit that when it dawned on me the significance of this date, I did look back at the last 2 years.  

I remember the pain of the breakup.  I remember starting my new job.  I remember moving out and trying to start my life over.  I remember feeling sad, anxious but a bit excited about the future.  I think about all I have been through in the last 2 years.  There have been highs.  There have been a lot of lows.

But I pulled through.

I am now sitting here thinking am I better off?  I think I am. 

I’m in my own home.  I am safe.  No one is stealing from me or threatening me.  I feel more settled.  The location of my new home isn’t 100% right.  My heart belongs back in Manchester city centre definitely.  I sometimes think back to those days when I used to look out my panoramic window in my old flat.  I could see the Beetham tower.  I remember going to my favorite pub and getting warm in front of the big fireplace with a book and reading for the afternoon.  If I wanted to, I could walk to town in 15 minutes.  I miss those days, that is true.

My job is going from strength to strength.  I am proving myself and I am being heard.  Not being pushed aside and struggling to be heard.  This has caused me to develop a horrible habit of interrupting people.  I’ve had 3 years of fighting to be heard.  I’m working on stopping that habit.  I’m even looking at a promotion if I sort out the other side of the business and I will get that promotion.

Some days I am a bit hard on myself.  Sometimes I think did I do the right thing?  Did I make the right choice in my life?  Some days I don’t know if I did.

The last 2 years, I punished myself a lot.  I punished myself for hurting Simon and by doing that I hurt myself a lot.  I ate bad food, I hung around toxic people, I drank a lot, I didn’t take care of my body.  I even self-harmed at one point.

But then when I got the keys to my new place, I decided to chose happiness and freedom.  I’ve been in my new home for 6 months.  I’m only now starting to feel at ease.  I even bought a Christmas tree for the holiday season.  I never owned my own Christmas Tree before.  Suzanne is coming over to help decorate it.    

Recently I have started pushing myself to be a better version of myself. I have gone back to eating a good diet full of good healthy food.  I’m not skipping meals or starving myself anymore.  I’m back at the gym pushing my body.  I am not drinking anymore.  I am taking care of my body.  I am putting make up on again.  I am changing my style.  I’ve even started meditating for 20 minutes a day.  I’m working on not being a people pleaser.  To stand up for myself and say no.  (That aspect is quite empowering)

2019 has been the year of preparation for the good times ahead.  2020 those good times are going to happen. 

Next April I will move back to where my heart is, the city centre.  I will get that promotion at work.  I will win the battle for my health and get my healthy body back.  I will be stronger.  And I will be ready to full commit to a relationship.

After a forest fire, the green shoots start to pop through.  That’s where I am now.  

It as taken time but it is happening.  Things are coming together slowly.  

So as I sit here and I look at the rain, I smile the smile of a warrior that has come up with an infallible battle strategy.  The last 2 years knocked me down but I got back up.  It’s my turn to win.  It’s my turn to be happy.  It’s my turn to be free.  My time is now.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes.  Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx