On So Close to Freedom

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!! 

Well here we are.  Last time I checked in with you it was 41 days until freedom.  And here we are.  2 more days.

I look around my room and all cupboards are empty, all shelves are bare.  It's real.

After the weirdest, craziest 18 months of my existence I get what I have wanted for a long time....freedom.  My freedom.

Tomorrow after work, I get the keys to my new home.  I have packed my car up already with quite a few bags and tomorrow morning I will load my seats with more bags so when I get the keys from the estate agent for my new place I will offload my car and effectively start moving.

Thursday is the big day.  I close the book on this part of my life.  I am feeling great now but as a friend of mine has said I am a different person than I was 18 months ago, but in 2 days I will be yet a different person than I am today.

I think that the biggest challenge for me has been to try and be happy for the last 56 days.

I think that as a society we always say, I'll be happy when I get that job.  Or I will be happy when I lose this weight.  Or I will be happy when I find the man of my dreams.

I don't want to wait to be happy.  I want to be happy now.  So I have tried for the last 56 days to be happy no matter what.  It has been challenging but sometimes quite easy.

When I am alone in my room, listening to my music, or watching TV or writing, I am happy.  I love writing and listening to music.  I've watched a lot of great TV shows.  It has been a coping strategy. 

When I have been around my housemate, I have stayed guarded and kept our interactions to a minimum.  We have had some fun times together.  She has started drinking again.  We went out a few times and had a laugh.  But I have also found that when I drink to excess (and in this situation of being under pressure I have drunk to excess a few times) I get really, really depressed the next day.  Even suicidal.  I have done what I could to cope though.  I have decided to cut my drinking back considerably to maybe 2 glasses a week. 

But now I am breathing easy.  I am smiling most days and enjoying work.  I am working hard and to be honest right now I cannot comprehend the thought of having my own place. 

It's been 5 years since I had my own home.  I moved in with Simon and lived with him for 3 and a half years and the last 18 months I have drifted from place to place.  This will be my 9th move in 2 years. That's fucked up. 

But this time in 2 days I will be truly free.  I will be able to walk around my new home in my underwear.  I will be able to not be afraid that my food and booze will go missing.  I can bask and enjoy the silence and not be afraid that at night the door to my bedroom bursting open and having the ravings of a drunk.  I won't get panicky on my way back from work thinking what sort of mood is she in?  Or when my phone goes, I won't think oh my God, is she going to be abusive?

Plus I will have my own parking space!  Right now I have to leave work on time in order to get back to get a car parking space. 

I can't wait to decorate my home the way I want to.  I can't wait to be able to watch the football again.  (Simon is kindly giving me the old TV.  There is nothing wrong with it.  He just got a bigger and sexier one) I can't wait to cook and not have to negotiate fridge space. 

Money will be tight for about 6 weeks but you know what?  I don't give a shit.  I'll happily enjoy my lovely new home and not go out and socialize.

I know that in 2 days time I will walk a bit taller, smile a bit wider, and I'll be back to the Betty Rage I was when I started writing this blog.

It's funny how sometimes the wind gets taken out of our sails and it's funny how long it can take to get yourself back.

It's taken me 5 years. The last 18 months have almost broken me but they have also made me the strongest that I have ever been.

So Ragers and Ragettes, please don't wait to be happy.  Try and find a little joy in each and every day.  Even if it is the joy in each new sunrise.  Or the fact that you woke up on time. Or the clouds making beautiful and strange shapes.  Just find the joy that you can everyday and don't wait to be happy.  Happiness can be yours daily.

So until next time, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx