Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!
I hope that everyone is well and that you are all keeping safe out there. It's kind of scary and I have never been in this sort of situation before
I am now working from home, which is kind of cool but I have become lazy and complacent with my eating and workouts which sucks
As you know I am set to move tomorrow, I thought that it was going to be called off but because the flat has been vacant for over 4 weeks I am still allowed to complete my move. The agency is getting it cleaned from top to bottom. And tomorrow I will be driving a transit van for the first time ever and I have to admit that is the part I am the most nervous about.
Susanne was supposed to help but she is in a category of being most at risk of catching the Coronavirus so I understand but I admit I will be missing her laugh, smile and us having an adventure. I miss Susanne so much
I am sitting here with a glass of bubbly trying to figure out how I am feeling though.
To be honest? I don't know. My belongings are bagged and ready to go in the spare room. It just doesn't feel real.
I had a lot of mixed feelings about this but this past weekend after a nightmare about my old alcoholic roommate, I decided to let go. So I got up, packed and threw away so many things. There was a bag of toiletries that Mr Wonderful left, I put them in the bin. He left behind some designer shoes, I'm going to sell them on eBay (In fairness I messaged him about me sending them back, but he never responded.) I went through my social media and got rid of a load of people. And then I started to go online and I bought a load of new items for my new place. Stuff for the kitchen, the front room, my en suite...Just the essentials until I figure it out.
In my current place, I never really decorated. This place, I am. I have nice sleek kitchen accessories, mustard yellow for the front room, and I am figuring out what I want in my bedroom. I have time to sit back and think about what I want in the spare room and the other bathroom. I know shelves will have to be put up in the laundry room but that's ok and I am looking forward to doing that myself! I want to buy pictures and mirrors and make my place a nice, chilled place.
Right now I just want to leave. I am ready to go and start my new life. By leaving this area, I am leaving behind the things that have happened in the last 2 years and 5 months.
I have felt like I have been in limbo for that long. Even when I moved into where I am now, I knew it was temporary and that I would be leaving in a year. Then I saw my old housemate's fuck buddy in my local and it sealed it. I needed to get away from the area.
So as I sit here and sip my bubbly, I am thinking.....
I leave this flat free. I am totally 100% free. I'm single. Toxic people? Gone. I am moving out a wiser, stronger, more successful Betty than I was when I started this blog.
I go back to being in a cute, trendy place. I will have a nicer apartment. I'm moving to an area where there is more to do.
It's bittersweet because sometimes we get comfortable in the pain. We wear our guilt, shame, sadness as a cloak sometimes because wallowing in the pain feels better than facing it. Some people use the pain as a badge of honor. If you keep picking a scab, how the fuck is the wound going to heal?????
The last 2 years and 5 months, I went through stages of picking the scab. There were some distractions along the way, some I made myself (hello prosecco!) and others outside myself (Mr Wonderful) They all served a purpose. To stop feeling. To stop the pain. To distract with new pain instead of facing the problems and rationalizing and admitting that I fucked up a fair few times. It's easier to blame others than to take responsibility for our actions. To admit that we do stupid shit. And I admit.....I've done a lot of stupid shit over the last 2 years and 5 months
But I like to think that tonight, as I sit here looking out my window, I am covering up the scab so I can't pick at it anymore. I want to stop the self-flagellation and and sadness. I've come to terms that I messed up a lot. And I am ok with that. Dissecting it, crying about it, going over it isn't going to solve the problem!!! Face it, acknowledge it and move on!!!
I want this summer to be a summer of joy, love and happiness. Yes, we are locked down but this lock down won't last forever. I am hoping that this will be lifted in 2 weeks and I can go back to the gym. And then in the summer, I think I will sign up for a dating website and have fun. Like I used to when I started this blog.
This summer, I want it to be the best summer of my life. I want laughter, joy, and fun.
And that is what I intend on having.
So Ragers and Ragettes, I raise my glass. To the last 2 years and 5 months of being in the wilderness. I have found my way out onto a new path. These past 2 years and 5 months shall never be discussed again. I only look to the future with joy and happiness and hope in my heart. Face the pain in your life. Admit your mistakes, forgive yourself and move on and be happy!!!
So tomorrow, this volume ends. Tomorrow I start writing a new volume to my life. A volume filled with joy, laughter, health, success, love and loads of adventures.
I love you all and I thank you for being with me so far on my journey. Tomorrow, the Betty Version 2.0 starts. And what an awesome rest of the year it will be!
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
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