On the Big Move and General Strangeness

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

What a very weird Saturday!  Here in Greater Manchester, it is a beautiful day.  Normally the village I now live in would be bustling with activity but it is dead.  So weird.  Strange times indeed.

Well the move happened.  And it happened so smoothly.  I rented the van and because of this situation, the roads were empty.  I was able to confidently drive it, no scuff marks or dents with relative confidence.  I'm telling you, I have so much respect for van drivers now!

Because my apartment's front door is on the ground floor and accessible, I was able to drive to the front door, throw everything in and get settled rather quickly.

I love my little home.  I love it so much that I can't stop buying things for it!  I have been able to decorate and furnish it with the help of Argos (the Argo's are open in Sainsbury's), Sainsbury's and good old Tesco (and there are some cute sundresses in Tesco now!!!!).  I'm about 80% of the way there now.  Once all this craziness is done, I am going to buy the rest.  I want to get some decorations for the walls, a rug for the living room and I cannot think of what color I want in my bedroom!  I had my heart set on Orange but I can't find anything I like.  I learned my lesson to not buy things just because.  It needs to sit right with me.

Work has been insanely busy.  Our sales are up 25% and considering we are in a pandemic I think that is pretty good!  Because my job is classed as business critical, I have been working pretty much 6 - 7 days a week but with my company they reward hard work.  And our new American owners like me and compliment me in front of my managers so I think all will be ok.

But the one thing that changed everything happened on Thursday April 9th.

My little guinea piggie who I had for 5 and a half years passed away.  I found him on Thursday morning and my heart broke.

I have been through breakups, job losses, and some crazy ass shit but I have to say, this KO'd me.  It was almost on par with when I had a miscarriage.  That little guy and I had been through so much.  He helped me cope with bad days, panic attacks, anxiety, and a lot of crazy stuff for the last 5 and a half years.

On that Thursday I had to go through 2 conference calls.  The first one was with his little body wrapped up in a towel and in a box next to me.  I had to keep muting myself to stop the sobs.  After that conference call was over, I took his little body to the vets to cremate him.  You can buy some jewellery made from the ashes of your dead pets or loved ones.  I want to get a ring or a pendant so I can hold him and keep him close to my heart always.

When I told Simon of his passing he broke down into tears.  I've only seen Simon cry a handful of times.  Unlike me, who is emotionally incontinent, he can hold it together. 

We decided (as we are on good terms still and that is ok with me.) that after all this madness is done, I am going to bring the ashes and I'll give him some to do with what he needs to and we are going to bury him with his brother who passed 2 years ago. 

The shittiest part of this situation is that on Thursday I wanted to get into my car and drive straight to Suzanne and get a hug but I dare not do that.  Suzanne is at risk as she has heart issues (I think it is because her heart is so big and so full of love her body can't take it.) and breathing issues.  I couldn't get a hug from my mother but a hug from Suzanne would pull me through.  When I told her, she was upset as she knew what he meant to me. 

I sat back on Thursday and yesterday and asked why God would do something so cruel and mean and nasty.  Why?  To take away something that was more precious than gold, diamonds or anything. Why would he cruelly do this to me?

Then it hit me.  I understood fully. 

This little piggie was the second to last thing that I had that bound me to Simon.  (The last is the house we own together.)

He died so I could live.  So I could move on and start forging the future I have always wanted.  This was one of the final parts that needed to leave. 

Knowing this helped ease the pain a bit.  If I take this for what I feel it is, and I use the pain to better myself and to move on, his death won't be in vain.  This is God saying, hey, sort yourself out!!!!  It's your time to shine.

And you know?  I think it is.

Since I have moved in, I haven't binged on junk food.  I haven't eaten until I felt sick.  I haven't drunk 2 bottles of wine in a sitting and do stupid shit.  I haven't gained weight.  I'm sleeping better.  I am feeling a lot better about life.

I know that things are working out and the path that was obscure for so long is starting to reveal itself. 

So as I sit here and I write this I smile.  All of the craziness, weirdness that the universe has thrown at me, and I have ended up in this beautiful apartment on a sunny day in Manchester living next to a good looking guy named Alfonso (name changed to protect the innocent) who likes to workout outside in front of my apartment without his shirt on...I think that this summer is going to be pretty fucking sweet!!

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx