On Thoughts of the Past Year

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  It’s Thursday and I am freezing!!!  I should have worn trousers but I have a meeting today so I need to look smart.  I am rocking a shift dress that has an orange, pink and black bodice with my black blazer over the top.

My post today is something that I have wanted to talk about for awhile but I haven’t been able to find the right words or get into the right mindset to discuss it. 

I have been writing this blog for over a year now and my life, since I started writing, has dramatically changed in a way that was beyond my wildest dreams. 

Am I better off?  

You see, recently I have been doing a lot of thinking.  My life in Manchester was constant drama, frustration, poverty, fear, loneliness and disappointment.   But, it was my life.  I came and went as I wanted.  I had a tidy flat, I could buy what food I wanted and spend what I wanted on food (I will never forget at the end of the month before my paycheque came through living on cheese sandwiches for 2 weeks because I was broke), I could walk to the city center and see the hustle and bustle.  I used to love that.  Walking along the canal would clear my head and I would look out my window, light up a cigarette and see the Beetham Tower and think “This is my kingdom.”

My life now?  Pretty much drama free.  The only drama goes on in the lives of my friends and I find sometimes living vicariously through them.  Enjoying the drama and the “he said, she said”.  Gone are the days when I can walk carelessly into town, come home to my clean apartment, eat loads of cheese sandwiches, and have drama.

Now I go home to a flat that is constantly being messed up by my boyfriend.  I can walk through the suburbs and see yummy mummies with their beautiful children and feel suddenly inadequate.  I walk into my apartment block with the residents giving me funny looks for my funky hair and tattoos. 

I sometimes feel like I have taken on a man who is really a toddler that has had 4 cans of coke, 2 espressos, a bag of M&M’s and a can of Red Bull.  This man/child, I call, the seagull.  He flies in, squawks, flaps, makes a mess, shits everywhere and goes onto the next room leaving the destruction behind him for me to clean. 

I dread it when we go food shopping.  He’s like a child.  He just picks things up and throws them into the shopping trolley like a naughty child. 

I sometimes ask myself, is this it?  Is this the rest of my life cleaning up after a man/child? 

And work....I am bored shitless.  Honestly.  My last job in the corporate sausage machine was a bit more pleasant.  I could at least get my SIPS qualification.  I could have holiday time, pay raises.  I couldn’t even get time out to see Suzanne on her birthday.   My job itself?  I thought that I would get stuck in and get the business stuff sorted....wrong!!  I am pretty much Simon’s PA.  We have screaming matches at work but when we get home we’re happy loving couple.  If I knew Simon in a normal working environment, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole!!

Don’t get me wrong, I love Simon very much but there is a part of me that says....what if?  What if I chose Jan?  What if I chose Manchester and the single life?  Would I be happier?  Would I be more fulfilled?

Good things have come out of this past year, though.  Simon, with all his faults, is great.  He makes me smile.  We giggle and joke and cuddle every night.  The sex is great and I feel loved.  I have 2 gorgeous little guinea pigs that I adore!!! 

I am close to getting my finances back on track.  (I need to stop my spending habits though!!)  My car insurance has been paid in full for the first time in one month.  (Yes I am flat broke until April 1^st.)  I feel like I have support and options.

I am doing well with my weightloss/health and fitness.  I finally have all the pieces and I feel ready to get up and go. 

Good has come out of me leaving my old life behind but I feel that I am always going to have these thoughts in the back of my head.

So when I went to the Blackpool Hair Show last week, I went in and saw a fortune teller.  She had a tent set up at the site.

I walked in and sat down across from her.  I looked around at the decor and there were photos of her with actors and actresses from Coronation Street. 

I gave her the money, she put it on the Crystal Ball stand and started to read for me.  She said that the next 12 months will be a lot of changes.

She read some more and here is the jist of what she said:  Basically Simon is the right man for me.  We were meant to be together.   She said that I am a creative woman who is very good at writing and that my writing will be my success. 

She said that she sees trips abroad and a home abroad.  She painted a rosy picture of the future with Simon.  She said also that this time next year, I will be a different woman, more settled, healthier, thinner and successful.  I took heart in that.

So as I sit here with Simon in dictator mode I smile.  Soon it will be my time to shine.  I need to be here now to build up my mental strength, continue setting the foundations for the life that I was meant to have and that I deserve.

I never said that Simon and I were perfect.  WE have our moments where I would love to throw him out the window but I look at him.  Yes, he’s a pain in the ass but he is my pain in the ass!! 

I am sorry if this is a strange post, Ragers and Ragettes.  But these thoughts have been fighting to get out. 

So until next time, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage  xxxxx