On Memories and Unfinished Business

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  It’s a gorgeous Tuesday morning.  I am rocking today my favourite vintage berry colour dress with a ruffled collar (it’s feeling loose....), my black peplum jacket, leopard print stilettos, my berry coloured lippy and a skull print scarf in my hair.  I rocked up today looking like Jackie O!  It was fab!!!

I am loving my hair!!! I can’t wait for my hair dress to redo the colour and clean up the edges.  It’s going to look fab!!!

As you all know I write these posts when I feel that I have something to say.  It’s therapy for me.  It’s a way for me to exorcise my demons and come to terms with everything that goes on in my life. 

Well, this past weekend, I went to the hairdresser as you know so that my hairdresser, Ali (names changed to protect the innocent!) could look at it and see if he could use my talents this weekend.

We were chatting and then I heard it. 

Last year when I was seeing Jan there was a song by Avicii that came out called Addicted to You.  This song brings back such strong memories.

That song started to play.  I instantly became quiet.  I took myself back to Jan’s apartment.

He had just cooked a meal.  A Danish feast with loads of red wine.   We just finished and he put the dishes on the side and we were sitting next to each other.  He streamed a Danish radio station from his phone and we were talking then a moment came.

You know, a moment when words do not mean anything.  That song came on.  His long fingers traced my jaw line and then my lips.  He leaned in and kissed me.  It was a kiss like no other.  A perfect, tender kiss.  I felt lightheaded, excited, turned on but a sense of sadness.  It was a moment that was like no other.  I felt like nothing else mattered and only Jan and I were in the world. 

It was that moment that I fell in love with him. 

When the kiss ended, he smiled and said shall I get more wine? 

I just nodded.  He seriously took my breath away.  That song was still playing in the background.  And now whenever I hear it, I associate that perfect moment with it.

Hearing it on Saturday brought all sorts of feelings back.  This time last year Jan I first met.   He left a massive footprint on my soul that I cannot even go into words to describe.  My little piece of perfection, a light in a messy and dark world. 

Even when we parted ways, we have still kept in touch. (Simon is aware of this)  I get the odd text from him.  He’s living in London.  I often wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together.  Would I be in London?  Would we have been happy?   What adventures would we have gone on? 

But then I remember the end.  How he was selfish, how I felt emotionally drained and I realised that I hated him for making me feel the things that I did. 

But there are times, when that song comes on, I remember that one moment of beauty.  I can still taste the wine on his lips, feel his fingers on my jaw line, tracing my lips.  The feeling that I was going to be ok and that nothing or no one else mattered.   If I could go back I would do it all again. 

I think of the last year with some fondness and sadness.  I met 2 very different men.  One, the classic sort that would take you out to the finest restaurant and then go to the opera.  He would hold the door open for you and slap your ass as you walk through.

The other, his idea of Saturday evening is wearing pajama bottoms and getting a pizza and watching Netflix.

There are pros to both.  I made my choice and I am happy with it but sometimes I get in my head did I make the right choice? 

I get these feelings when Simon is sitting on the settee playing GTA and there are dishes piled up in the sink.  Or when we are at work and he barks orders at me (I bite back).  I do think is the grass greener on the other side sometimes.

But what about watering your own grass to make it greener?   So I have been dressing a bit more feminine, instigating sex and trying to be a better girlfriend.  In return Simon has been lovely and wonderful to me.  Relationships are an equal effort deal.  You put in what you get out of it.  It's that simple.  

But I feel in my heart there are unfinished bits and pieces with Jan that I need to sort out.  One day I would like to meet up with him again.  Have dinner, share a bottle of wine and get a proper ending to that story.  I would love to have him hold me in his arms, gently swaying to that song.  Our last dance and then never hear from him ever again, relegate him to my box of cherished memories of a time when I was young crazy and single and fell in love with a dashing Danish Man. 

One day, Ragers and Ragettes, one day....

Until next time, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxx