On Motherhood

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Fall is well and truly here.  The temperatures are dropping and all of my summer clothes are put away for next year along with my sandals, handbags and accessories.  It is depressing but I don’t have a problem with fall.

Today I am rocking a cream long, woolly jumper with skinny jeans and brown riding boots.  I have been eating better so my skin is looking healthy and blemish free and glowing!   Have also tried liquid liner. 

I am a Mac Make Up fiend and I usually buy Mac make up but I thought that I would try something cheap just to see if I like the concept and then if I like it I go for the Mac version.  I have saved a lot of money on trends by doing this.  (Yellow and orange eye shadow....no thank you!!!)   I used to wear liquid eyeliner a lot when I was younger and I loved it!  Then I got put into gel eyeliner which is ok.  But nothing bets classic kohl eyeliner, smudged just a little towards the ends.  Classic!!!

The liquid eye liner is ok.  I need more time to try it properly not a quick 2 minutes.  Putting liquid eye liner on is an art that needs to have the time dedicated to it. 

Anywho, I messaged Suzanne and she is doing the other great thing about fall.  Layering.  You don’t have to kiss goodbye to your sleeveless tops in fall!  Layering is fab!  I am all woolly because I am in a predominantly warehouse based environment with outside doors and windows are constantly left open but Suzanne is in an office and usually in an office its super cold in the morning and super hot in the afternoon!  So she got it right (like always) with clssic black trousers, an Aztec print (this is a great print and it’s very in season!) sleeveless blouse,  black ankle boots and a long black cardigan.  Layering is what is great about fall.  You can also go from day at the office to after work drinks so quickly!

Anywho, I digress.

Motherhood.  At the end of this month I am celebrating a year closer to being on the wrong side of 35.  And one would think that I would be getting broody.   The funny thing is that I am not feeling that.

As you know, I recently bought 2 cute little guinea pigs.  They have brought me so much joy and happiness.  Their sweet little eyes light up when I walk into the flat.  When I pet them and they nuzzle my neck, it’s a lovely feeling. 

I had a chance to be a mother 10 years ago but it wasn’t meant to be.  It really affected my life in a major way.  At one point I would look at a toddler and just burst into tears.  It hurt.  I went to counselling. There were a lot of tears and a lot of pain that came out of those sessions.  My therapist was sweet and caring.  She would give me hugs when I would break down.  She was easy to talk to and I exorcised a lot of demons with her arond this issue.  The guilt, the pain, the sadness and feeling of loss.

But through her help, I know now that the time wasn’t right and that I was not ready.  I mean, I was out drinking most nights, I was in a bad relationship and the baby’s father was a total ass.  Yes, if I had the baby then I would probably be dead.  I know I wasn’t strong enough.

In the 10 subsequent years, there have been times where I have wanted a baby.  But then I will go to a shop and see a snotty nosed 5 year old scream and throw a temper tantrum as the poor dishevelled mum looks like she needs a xanax and whiskey cocktail and then my uterus jumps out of my body and throws itself in front of a train!!!

I know that a baby is hard work.  I don’t know how my parents coped with my sister and me.  My sister was a little diva and as I got older I became more of a little shit.  I put my parents through hell and back.  I probably aged my Mama at least 20 extra years.  Her eating issues got worse due to the constant stress and worry that I inflicted on her.

Now my parents and I get along so well.  But I will never forgive myself for the hell I put them through and one day I plan to make that right.

The thought of having the lovely, happy nuclear family is appealing at times.  You see families in park holding hands, eating dinner, laughing, and enjoying themselves.

But then cold hard reality sets in.  If I had a child, my shoe collection would stop.  My going out dresses would be replaced with tops with vomit and dribble on it.  Lay ins and good night sleeps?  Those are out the window!  Stretch marks, droopy breasts, constant bags under the eyes.... I don’t think that I want that right now.

Now, I am not against mothers or children.  In fact quite the opposite.  Anyone who beats or hurts a child (or animal) are scum.  And I have a direct debit with Childline for each month to donate to the good work that they do.  It’s important to take care of our children because today’s children are tomorrow’s adults.  These will be the doctors, the politicians, the teachers of tomorrow.

What I am against though are people with children who think that they are better than me.  One friend of mine on Facebook commented:  People without children shouldn’t complain that they can’t get to sleep.  Excuse me.  I pay taxes which pays for the school that your kid goes to.  My taxes also fund the child benefits that you receive.  Just because I made the decision that I want to use contraception and not have children at this point in time doesn’t make me a bad person.  It makes me a responsible person because I know that I am not ready for that commitment and that I cannot give a child what it needs. 

The other thing that pisses me off is when someone says, I am a mother so I know.....you know what?  How to change a nappy?  How to use a breast pump?  You know all the songs from kids TV programs?   You know what I know how to do?  I can negotiate with big suppliers .  I can pull over £50,000 back into businesses over 3 months.  I can stand on my own 2 feet  and be independent.   There is a great YouTube Clip of comedian Ed Byrne on this very subject.  It’s hilarious but it is true.  Choosing to not have a child doesn’t make me an incomplete woman or not a real woman (I am a real woman; I have a vagina!!!).  It makes me an independent woman.  A woman who knows what she wants.  A woman who doesn’t take crap from anyone else.  A woman who contributes to society.

What I am saying is that motherhood isn’t for me...at this moment in time.  I’ll stick with my little fluffy bundles of joy, I think  for the time being.   They bring me joy and i will continue to do what I do best....be fabulous!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx