What Do You Do with a Drunken Mother?

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  Happy Halloween!!!!!  I hope that you are all fab today! I am rocking a sheer leopard print blouse paired with skinny jeans and my knee high brown stilettos boots.  My hair has some fierce volume today so I have pulled it back into a black head band.  My false eyelashes are still on and intact so my makeup is minimal.

 I am recovering from the first round of birthday celebrations.  The next round is happening this weekend.

Which brings me to my dilemma.

Simon’s mum wants to go out with me to celebrate my birthday for a “Mum and Daughter” day in Manchester for shopping (yippee!), lunch (yippee!!) and cocktails (oh dear).

She wants to hit Primark (for those Ragers and Ragettes that are not familiar with the UK shopping experience Primark, also known as Primani, is a cheap clothing store that you can buy some really trendy clothes for a really good price!  I personally want to go as I want to buy some lovely jumper dresses and quirky coloured tights.)  which is cool, Boots (not a shoe shop but a shop that you can purchase cosmetics and perfume) which is fab and have a wander around the shops.  I am fine with that.

Now comes the sticky part.  I am trying to cut my drinking down because of health purposes and I have a gorgeous dress to squeeze into next weekend for my third birthday celebration and also for Christmas.  I am aware of what excessive drinking does to one’s looks and waistline.

Simon’s mum, as you know, is an alcoholic.  The one thing I know about alcoholics is that when you are not drinking they get antsy and almost insulted.  I don’t want to cause issues with my boyfriend’s mum.  But I don’t want to come back pissed a fart.

I have consumed a lot of alcohol in my life.  I sometimes wonder what it has done to my body.  I carry weight on my tummy and looking at Simon's mum, she should be a slim size 10-12.  With the size of her tummy, she's a 16.

Did you know that a large glass of red wine has the same amount of calories as a chocolate donut?  Scary!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol damages your skin.  It gives you redness and broken blood vessels on your nose.   And your nose turns purple.  Simon's mum's nose has broken blood vessels and it's looking bulbous and purple.

She has given me a look into my future.  I like a drink but do I want to end up like that?  So I have made the conscious decision to cut my alcohol consumption down.  Not just for my health but for my looks.

Piggy backing from my post from yesterday, my colleague from back home, Jennifer (names changed, people!!!) has made me think a lot about myself and how I view the world.  I have said it once before, what you consume is a direct reflection of how your body looks and how you feel.  If you feel bad about yourself, you are more than likely going to eat badly.  If you feel good about yourself, then you are going to eat well and take care of your body.  So when I see Simon's mum I see someone who is sad, who has had a hard childhood (she doesn't talk about it) and I see someone that needs a detox and some counselling.

So what do I do tomorrow?  I am thinking that there are 3 tactics:

Tactic One:  the Go Along with it Girl Tactic.  Drink and make her feel comfortable.  After all, she might be my future mother-in-law?  Go along with her and have a few drinks.  Try not to get shit faced (try is a hopeful word) but will most likely end up being sick down my top and telling the world that I love them.

Tactic Two:  The Everything in Moderation Girl Tactic:  Have a few drinks but balance it out with water. Share a bottle of wine but take a bottle of water with you and take big gulps when you can.  Be responsible and cut yourself off after a certain number.  This might work the best.  I see the scenario panning out as me lifting his mum onto the train and acting as the responsible adult.

Tactic Three:  The Tee-Total Anti Drinking Nazi Girl:  Insist on not having a drink and taking the moral high ground.  This will most likely cause an argument and I will end up in bad books as being a "party pooper" or being up my own backside.  I could also argue that I am taking anti-biotics but that might get his mum to think that I am pregnant  (which I am not!!!!!) and that might cause a great deal more grief than I need right now!!!

I am looking at tactic two.  I think that will work the best because I will have to be the responsible adult and I have learned to be that recently.  To be honest, I think my years of going out and getting caned are over and done with.

So tomorrow, after my hard session with my new fitness instructor (who told me this morning that she handed her resignation in - totally gutted) I will be getting my Betty Rage Red hair redone and then off to Manchester for what looks like an interesting day out.  Fingers crossed that it all goes to plan.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes!  Keep your heads and your standards high, and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

Tha Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

On a Little Positivity Please??

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cool fall day in Merseyside.  I wish I was in bed snuggled into my duvet and watching Netflix (I found a new Danish/Swedish show that I need to watch!  You know how I feel about Danish men...yummy!!!) but I am in work today!

I am rocking a raspberry coloured top, skinny jeans and my knee high brown stiletto boots.  Those things are so comfy!!!!  they have a lovely leopard print extra soft lining inside so my toes are nice and warm.  Best boots ever!!!!

Well, recently through the wonders of social media I got back in touch with a girl that I used go to school with.  I didn’t really hang around her much and I only saw her in passing.  She was one of the popular crew that girls like me could never hang out with.  She was also the sort of girl the rumours always followed her (most of them untrue)

Anyway, when she friend requested me, it took me ages to accept.  I thought why should I be friends with a girl who I didn’t know?  But something told me to accept it.  So I did.

A week or so after I accepted her request she messaged me asking what was going on and how awesome it was that I was living where I was.

I was shocked that she even knew me!  So we started talking.  She has an 8 year old daughter who is beautiful (just like her), she is still tall and slender with a lovely smile and an even lovelier attitude.  I would normally hate a person like this.

But I can’t and I don’t.

This girl is one of the most positive people I have ever met.  Most of the time when I meet an overly positive person I want to instinctively punch them in the throat.   Most of the time, those overly peppy and positive people are usually the saddest people in the world.  (I know, I used to be one of them!)  But she radiates such a positive,natural, happy vibe!  It’s scary!  I know her kind words are true and heartfelt. 

Getting back in touch with her had made me look long and hard at myself as a person.  We are so quick to complain about our troubles.  We would rather bitch and moan about our troubles and bask in our misery than wake up, thank God that you are able to get up and greet the new day with wonder and happiness.

We laugh at the troubles of “celebrities” and gladly gossip around the water cooler about our colleague’s troubles, not out of concern or worry but out of gossip sakes.

Luckily I am not in that environment anymore.

But I have been feeling a bit down recently but speaking with my old school friend has given me something to think about.

I used to write my blessings down every day. All the little and good things that happened to me during the course of the day.  Things like, "I give thanks that I didn't tuck my skirt into my knickers again" (true story!) or I am grateful that I didn't get stuck in traffic on the way home.  Those little blessings that come our way each day.  I stopped doing that because I didn’t “have time”.  I am a believer that if something or someone is important to you, you will find time at all costs to spend on them/it.

I stopped writing my blessings awhile ago because I thought that I had it all sussed out.  I thought that I had the key to all happiness since I had Simon, my apartment, my guinea pigs, my friends.  Thinking of it, I have seen a massive difference since I stopped writing my blessings.  My life seems less fulfilled.  I feel down most days.  Exhausted, sad, and a feeling and sensation of being lost and alone in a crowd.

So I have brought my notebook in with me and I am going to sneak in when I can to write my blessings down.  It’s my little secret and I hope that will kick start my life back to where it should be and where I know it should be.  Being happy, healthy with a sense of purpose, laughing and enjoying each day without fear.  I know that it is there for me to take but it will take time and understanding to get back to being on top of my game.  I think that it is a case of I have (almost) everything I want and it's the fear factor of being happy and satisfied.  That's a battle I need to get through and I will by keeping people like my old school colleague in my life.

So Ragers and Ragettes, when you wake up, look out the window.  See the sky and the beautiful colours in the morning.  Smell the fresh autumn air.  Enjoy the day.  When you start to open your heart and your mind to the lovely things that are around you, lovely things start happening to you.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

On A Betty Rage Birthday

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Well, today is my birthday.  Yes, I am approaching 35 but it’s all good.  So today I have decided to rock my black jumpsuit that I have paired with a red skinny belt, black peplum jacket, my red and black skull printed Iron Fist Shoes, my red earring, red Lulu Guinness Lip shaped ring and a new and gorgeous red lippy that I have discovered!  Fabulous!!

The birthday celebrations started on Saturday.  Simon took me out to Liverpool.  I rocked a black bodycon dress that had a beautiful purple floral pattern on it.  Suzanne (who always gets it right) put the purple idea in my head.  She said that with purple you need to be careful because it can age you.  I never really wear much purple but Suzanne also pointed out that with my gorgeous red hair I can go for jewel tones so my vows for this year of my life, try other colours besides my iconic red.

Simon’s father drove us to Liverpool and his mum was sitting next to me.  She had a few drinks before obviously.  She was pawing me and slurring, oh Betty you look amazing!  Simon apologised to me when we exited the car.  We had a lovely meal at the prestigious Blue Bar and went to the Comedy Club.  We got fabulous seats (right next to the stage) and the comedian who was introducing the acts picked on Simon.  He told Simon that I was a beautiful woman and that he needed to propose to me.  We had a laugh about it.

We were sitting next to 2 girls and it turned out that they were a couple.  And the girl sitting next to me proposed to her girlfriend.  The comedy club gave the girls a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

After the comedy show, Simon and I started talking to the couple and we ended up chatting and sharing the bottle of champagne.  We had a laugh and soon before you know it we were stumbling back to their hotel to make sure that they got there ok.  As soon as we got into their hotel, there were a group of drunk and rowdy Dutch football fans. We stayed near them at all times and did our best to keep them safe.  He got them back to their room and at this point I just wanted to go home.  Simon checked his watch, 3:30am!!!!

We said our goodbyes and got a cab home.

I didn’t sleep the best and didn’t feel the best the next day!!! 

Then we met Simon’s parents for lunch.  I rocked a pair of bootcut jeans, a sparkly halter neck, cowboy boots and a black blazer. 

When we got to the pub his parents were there and a saw an empty wine bottle and a halfway drunk one.  Simon rolled his eyes.  We sat down and his mum presented me with a bag with a card.  I opened the bag and inside was a little box.  I opened the box and inside was a gorgeous necklace.  The pendant was shaped like a heart and inside were real flowers.  It has a delicate silver chain.  Then I opened the other parcel and inside was a butterfly with diamantes on it.  It was a little tray to put jewellery on.  They were lovely gifts.  I hugged both of Simon’s parents.

We ordered food and it took ages for it to come. But it was a lovely afternoon.

This morning I got up and Simon presented me with a present that I already knew that I was going to get.  I wanted a nice comfy lounging chair so when I read a book or watch Netflix I will be comfy so he bought me a massive red beanbag chair!  It was a lovely present and it’s so comfy!!!! 

Simon told me to dress up nicely and not bother preparing dinner tonight so hence my outfit today.  when I got to work, Errol presented me a bottle of wine and the lads wrote me a birthday card.  So here I am feeling blessed that I have good friends and good people around me. 

Plus I received a dress today that I bought for myself for a birthday present.  I am having another birthday celebration on November 7^th and I bought a little red dress that is smoking hot!!!  Honestly, it’s stunning!!!!  I can’t wait to wear it.  But I am going to be hitting the gym and eating perfectly to ensure that my curves look great in this dress. 

So, yes, my birthday has been good.  Growing older is scary though.  The grey hairs are the worst (I bought a fabulous product, Crazy Colours, to top my hair colour up and my hair is vibrant has hell!!  It’s fabulous!!!) .  I am lucky because I have good skin and there aren’t any lines around my eyes.  I look ok for my age. 

I am ok with growing older, it’s just that some thoughts go through my head.

The past year has been trying and hard, but I have somehow got through it all without breaking nail!  I always make promises to myself about what I want for the next year of my life.  I want to continue with my healthy eating, I want to be nicer to myself.  I want to take care of myself a lot better.  These are things that I have said before but each day with stresses from work and life, taking care of your body and mind gets put on the back burner.  It’s a sad thing.   

So here I am ready to go waiting for Simon to finish and let’s see what he has in store for me tonight.

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx

On Mental Health

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!!  I am soooooooooooooooo sorry for the length of time that I have posted.  It’s been a crazy, busy few weeks for me.

Today, I am rocking a long turquoise jumper with a white camisole, skinny jeans and brown knee high riding boots.

This is a post that I have wanted to write for ages.  I have started writing it but quickly have deleted it.  This post for me is on an issue that is dear to my heart because I, Betty Rage, suffer with mental health issues.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 16 when I was caught stealing from my job.  The police couldn’t understand why a straight A student from a good family would want to steal.  So the court sentenced me to 100 hours of community service plus therapy.

Back in the 90’s when I was diagnosed, the doctors were not interested in why I felt the way I did, they just wanted to shut me up so they prescribed me anti-depressants that made me feel  like a zombie. 

The first batch they put me on made me sleepy and gain weight.  I couldn’t laugh, cry, or feel like a real woman.  So how did they remedy this?  They prescribed an additional pill to take the side effects away from the first pill.

Then the therapy.  That was a joke.  My therapist got it into my head because my parents spanked me that I was an “abused” child.  This seed got planted into my head and germinated into more destructive behaviour.  This woman effectively put me against the very people that loved me, cared for me, that had my back.  I became even worse, behaviour wise.

Then they decided to change my meds.  They gave me good old Prozac.   I continued in a zombie state and unleashed another side effect:  OCD. 

I started to micromanage my life.  I became obsessed with exercise and losing weight.  I went to the gym every morning.  That then turned into going to the gym twice a day 3 times a week.  Then twice a day 5 days a week.  Before I knew it, every spare minute, I was pounding it outside running 6 miles, 10 miles.  One day I ran 16 miles in the hot Ohio sun. 

Then I started to nit-pick at my diet.  I remember going 3 days without food and still punishing my body with the exercising.  It was around Easter time and I justified it that I was fasting for religious reasons.   I wasn’t religious.

My dad snapped me out of this behaviour very quickly.  My dosage of Prozac was decreased.

I then decided, when I left my home, that I was going to stop the medication.

I was in this strange new country unmedicated.  I was like a kid in a sweet shop.  I drank so much alcohol, fucked, and didn’t sleep much.  I gained so much weight, 5 stone (70 pounds)  And since then I have not shifted it.  (I am trying to)

When I moved to Ireland in 2005, I decided to try to go back in to therapy.  I found a lovely counsellor who fully listened to me.  She  hugged me when I cried, laughed with me, let me call her at all hours when I wasn’t feeling right.  She taught me that I didn’t need medication.  I just needed someone to care and listen to me.

I stopped seeing her because I thought I knew best.

I moved to the UK with Dan and he subjected me to emotional abuse and neglect.   I was getting bullied at work and at home and I truly felt that I didn’t have anyone to run to.  I considered throwing myself off the Centenary Bridge in Trafford Business Park as a way out.  I was desperate.

I left Dan, moved to Manchester and moved in with my psycho ex-roommate.  I decided to go to the doctor and reach out for help.

They asked if I would consider medication.  I stupidly said yes.  They put me on a pill that I had to take before bed.  They said that it would make me drowsy.  I slept like the dead.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I was trapped in a fuzzy cloud.  I staggered to the gym.  The lady behind the desk said, go away, you’re drunk.  I was shocked.

I walked around Eccles trying to wake myself up.  I didn’t work.  I was slurring my words, I couldn’t walk in a straight line.

So I stopped medication.   And I started to educate myself. 

I read up on how diet and exercise can help you mentally.  So I started to exercise again and diet and the OCD came back. 

I would wake up at 5:38 (exactly without an alarm) walk a mile to the gym, work out, change and walk 2 miles to work.  I lived on pitta bread with burger in it.  That’s it.  I lost weight but started to grow fine hair on my cheeks near my ear, my fine hair started to fall out.  I was clearly a mess.  I was taking it to an extreme.

I left my job, got a new one and the pattern continued for the last 3 years.  Bad romantic situations, weight gain, feelings of low self worth. 

And the reason why I am telling you all this?  I have recognized the  signs, and through my experiences I can control these emotions and feelings a lot better.

When I am on a low, I tend to hide myself away.  My reasoning?  I don’t want to be a burden to anyone at all.  I am a believer (from experience) that 80% of people don’t care about your problems and 20% are happy that you have them in the first place.  So, like a turtle, I go into my shell and cry.  I try and work it out.  So I become quiet and withdrawn.

When I am on a high, it’s worse.  I run around 1000 miles an hour trying to fix everything.  I talk faster, I feel jittery and like a robot almost.  I am at my most dangerous then.  I overspend, make promises I can’t keep, I am also at my most creative.  I write music, poetry and essays.  It’s scary.  I understand why they say that there is a fine line between genius and madness.

So, the last few weeks I have been on a low.  I haven’t spoken much to Suzanne because I don’t want to bring her down.   And I have been snippy with Simon.  He’s tolerated me (I don’t know how he doesn’t know about my condition) and deserves a gold medal.

Today?  My feelings are on the up.  I am going into an in between phase, almost levelled out.  I feel almost normal, a bit fragile.  It’s scary but I am handling it fine.

I would like to speak to someone though.  So I am looking into that.

Ragers and Ragettes.  Mental  illness seems to be a dirty word.   People think that if you are depressed, bipolar are basket cases or mental. 

Guess what.  We are normal human beings.  We laugh, cry, smile, and feel pain like everyone else.  We feel things deeply and hard.  It really is. 

So I have signed up to volunteer at a local mental health charity to reach out in the community to help those like myself.  Who don’t know what or how to feel.  If I can offer comfort, help and direction to someone that needs it, then it’s all worth it. 

Anyway, this has been a hard post to write.  If anyone who suffers in the same way I feel , please feel free to contact me on bettyrage2014@gmail.com.  If I can help I will. 

Untilk next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxx

On A Much Needed Date Night

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It's a sunny, chilly Sunday and I am sitting in a cowl neck fluffy jumper with my skinny jeans.  My hair is pulled back in a scarf and I am sipping on some peppermint tea watching the fabulous Maxine Peake in Silk on Netflix.  She is one of my favourite actresses.  Right now the fabulous Ms Peake is playing the title role in Hamlet in theatre.  I would love it see her in action as I am an admirer.  I'm not hung over by any means just basking in the afterglow of a lovely night out with the man I love.

Simon and I have been together now for almost 7 months.  7 months!!  I know!!

They always talk about a "honeymoon period" in relationships.  I don't like that concept.  The concept of that after a few months of being together you get into a regular "routine" and it all becomes mundane and boring. The thought that after a few months you get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a TV programme and go to bed.  Repeat.

I am a believer that you need to keep things as fresh as possible. Work has been so intense recently.  This has lead to heated conversations and raised voices but also it has lead to heated, steamy, passionate make up sex.  Honestly, when we have a day like that, the sex is almost primal, animalistic.  It's been fantastic!!!  

But I wanted to have a proper evening with my Simon so I arranged a date night.

The idea hit me when I was walking home from the gym and I noticed a lovely Turkish restaurant.  I thought about the last time we went out on a proper date...it was our second date in a pub near where I lived in Manchester back in April.  So I told Simon to keep Saturday free and to be ready to go at 6pm.

So I got up on Saturday and started working out with my new personal trainer (absolutely best idea I have had to swap trainers, but I think that is another post) Simon and I did the food shopping then I went to get my eyelashes done.  (Found a new beauty salon and I absolutely love it!!!) I got in and I took my time getting ready.

I love the actual act of getting ready for a night out.  I have a ritual.  Wash hair, shower, shave legs and pits, then get myself to my room, light some candles.  Put some sensual music on and start with my hair drying it, straightening it.  Then the make up.  With the false eyelashes, the make up bit is so much easier, just foundation, some liquid eye liner, my eyebrows and my signature red lippy.

Then I slather cocoa butter on my curves.  I put my black wide legged jumpsuit on.  This jumpsuit is literally just wide legged bottoms and 2 pieces of fabric that you can style the top in anyway you want.

As Simon is a boob man, I opted for a daring look.  I took the straps and crossed them behind my neck and tucked them into the belt of my jumpsuit.  I put tit tape on my body to hold it in place.  No bra for Betty!

I put my red ankle strapped stilettos on, my black patent clutch, fluffed my hair up. I booked the taxi and I strutted to the living room where Simon was and cleared my throat.  He looked up.  His mouth dropped to the floor.  Ready, I said with a smile.

I turned so that he could see my bare back.  He followed me and put his hand n the small of my back and he lightly kissed my neck.  Let's enjoy tonight.

We went to the pub where we had our first date and the whole time, Simon was touching my back, leaning in and saying, babe, you're gorgeous,

I played to this.

We finished our drinks and walked to the restaurant.  Wherever I was going I was making heads turn.  It was liberating but scary.  This was the most daring that I have ever dressed.  I felt sexy.  Like a goddess.

We got inside the restaurant and the restaurant owner escorted us to the table.  We ordered drinks and I excused myself to go to the toilet to check that everything was in place.

I messaged Suzanne as I felt exposed and vulnerable in my get up.  She reassured me that I looked amazing.  I strutted back to our table and found that Simon bought a bottle of champagne.  I was taken aback.

I sat down and he took my hand.  I love you Betty, he said.  His fingers interlocking and gently pulling mine. He reached over and stroked my cheek.  You look stunning tonight.

We ordered our food and discussed open and freely like a couple should.  We laughed, smiled, had a couple serious moments.  The food was amazing.  They do takeaway too so we took a menu.

We drank the champagne and finished our food.  The bill came and it was really reasonable.  We will go back to that restaurant again definitely.

We then went to another pub which was shockingly tacky.  Had a laugh about it and then we went back to our favourite pub.  The whole time, Simon's hands were all over me.

We decided to have an early night and we got back to the flat.

My jumpsuit didn't stay on for too long.  We went straight to bed and had furious intense sex.  Afterwards I laid in his arms.  His fingers tracing down my spine.  I went to sleep with a massive smile happy about our lovely night out.

It's important to have date nights.  It's important to remember why you are together.  I don't want to be in a mundane boring relationship.

Simon also has been putting effort in.  Last Thursday (the day I booked the restaurant) I walked to the gym in a bit of a grump and I did a hard workout.  When I left the gym, I started to walk home and he pulled up in his car.  I got in and he drove me back to the flat.  When we got out to go in, he told me to close my eyes.  He opened the boot and presented me a bouquet of flowers.

Being in a relationship is hard work.  But if both people put the effort in, it's rewarding, happy lovely and amazing.  One sided relationships never work.  But I am lucky because this is definitely a 2 sided relationship.

So today I am having my Betty time. Smiling and thinking about my man.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your standards and chins high and your heels higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On Motherhood

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Fall is well and truly here.  The temperatures are dropping and all of my summer clothes are put away for next year along with my sandals, handbags and accessories.  It is depressing but I don’t have a problem with fall.

Today I am rocking a cream long, woolly jumper with skinny jeans and brown riding boots.  I have been eating better so my skin is looking healthy and blemish free and glowing!   Have also tried liquid liner. 

I am a Mac Make Up fiend and I usually buy Mac make up but I thought that I would try something cheap just to see if I like the concept and then if I like it I go for the Mac version.  I have saved a lot of money on trends by doing this.  (Yellow and orange eye shadow....no thank you!!!)   I used to wear liquid eyeliner a lot when I was younger and I loved it!  Then I got put into gel eyeliner which is ok.  But nothing bets classic kohl eyeliner, smudged just a little towards the ends.  Classic!!!

The liquid eye liner is ok.  I need more time to try it properly not a quick 2 minutes.  Putting liquid eye liner on is an art that needs to have the time dedicated to it. 

Anywho, I messaged Suzanne and she is doing the other great thing about fall.  Layering.  You don’t have to kiss goodbye to your sleeveless tops in fall!  Layering is fab!  I am all woolly because I am in a predominantly warehouse based environment with outside doors and windows are constantly left open but Suzanne is in an office and usually in an office its super cold in the morning and super hot in the afternoon!  So she got it right (like always) with clssic black trousers, an Aztec print (this is a great print and it’s very in season!) sleeveless blouse,  black ankle boots and a long black cardigan.  Layering is what is great about fall.  You can also go from day at the office to after work drinks so quickly!

Anywho, I digress.

Motherhood.  At the end of this month I am celebrating a year closer to being on the wrong side of 35.  And one would think that I would be getting broody.   The funny thing is that I am not feeling that.

As you know, I recently bought 2 cute little guinea pigs.  They have brought me so much joy and happiness.  Their sweet little eyes light up when I walk into the flat.  When I pet them and they nuzzle my neck, it’s a lovely feeling. 

I had a chance to be a mother 10 years ago but it wasn’t meant to be.  It really affected my life in a major way.  At one point I would look at a toddler and just burst into tears.  It hurt.  I went to counselling. There were a lot of tears and a lot of pain that came out of those sessions.  My therapist was sweet and caring.  She would give me hugs when I would break down.  She was easy to talk to and I exorcised a lot of demons with her arond this issue.  The guilt, the pain, the sadness and feeling of loss.

But through her help, I know now that the time wasn’t right and that I was not ready.  I mean, I was out drinking most nights, I was in a bad relationship and the baby’s father was a total ass.  Yes, if I had the baby then I would probably be dead.  I know I wasn’t strong enough.

In the 10 subsequent years, there have been times where I have wanted a baby.  But then I will go to a shop and see a snotty nosed 5 year old scream and throw a temper tantrum as the poor dishevelled mum looks like she needs a xanax and whiskey cocktail and then my uterus jumps out of my body and throws itself in front of a train!!!

I know that a baby is hard work.  I don’t know how my parents coped with my sister and me.  My sister was a little diva and as I got older I became more of a little shit.  I put my parents through hell and back.  I probably aged my Mama at least 20 extra years.  Her eating issues got worse due to the constant stress and worry that I inflicted on her.

Now my parents and I get along so well.  But I will never forgive myself for the hell I put them through and one day I plan to make that right.

The thought of having the lovely, happy nuclear family is appealing at times.  You see families in park holding hands, eating dinner, laughing, and enjoying themselves.

But then cold hard reality sets in.  If I had a child, my shoe collection would stop.  My going out dresses would be replaced with tops with vomit and dribble on it.  Lay ins and good night sleeps?  Those are out the window!  Stretch marks, droopy breasts, constant bags under the eyes.... I don’t think that I want that right now.

Now, I am not against mothers or children.  In fact quite the opposite.  Anyone who beats or hurts a child (or animal) are scum.  And I have a direct debit with Childline for each month to donate to the good work that they do.  It’s important to take care of our children because today’s children are tomorrow’s adults.  These will be the doctors, the politicians, the teachers of tomorrow.

What I am against though are people with children who think that they are better than me.  One friend of mine on Facebook commented:  People without children shouldn’t complain that they can’t get to sleep.  Excuse me.  I pay taxes which pays for the school that your kid goes to.  My taxes also fund the child benefits that you receive.  Just because I made the decision that I want to use contraception and not have children at this point in time doesn’t make me a bad person.  It makes me a responsible person because I know that I am not ready for that commitment and that I cannot give a child what it needs. 

The other thing that pisses me off is when someone says, I am a mother so I know.....you know what?  How to change a nappy?  How to use a breast pump?  You know all the songs from kids TV programs?   You know what I know how to do?  I can negotiate with big suppliers .  I can pull over £50,000 back into businesses over 3 months.  I can stand on my own 2 feet  and be independent.   There is a great YouTube Clip of comedian Ed Byrne on this very subject.  It’s hilarious but it is true.  Choosing to not have a child doesn’t make me an incomplete woman or not a real woman (I am a real woman; I have a vagina!!!).  It makes me an independent woman.  A woman who knows what she wants.  A woman who doesn’t take crap from anyone else.  A woman who contributes to society.

What I am saying is that motherhood isn’t for me...at this moment in time.  I’ll stick with my little fluffy bundles of joy, I think  for the time being.   They bring me joy and i will continue to do what I do best....be fabulous!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx

The Return of Hump and Dump and Missing the Wedding

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It's one of those Sundays.  I'm wearing a red velour tracksuit, my cozy booties, hair pulled back rocking fierce blue talons.  Yes, Betty Blue.

The past 48 hours were crazy.  And I mean crazy!!

I was supposed to go to a friend's house on Friday night but she didn't text me to confirm that it was still on. The guys that do our marketing at work are going through some turmoil.  There are 3 of them and one of them isn't really doing what they should be doing.  This guy screwed us over in regards to our company website.  So the loud one decided to all go for a drink to see how to proceed.

So I put on my black jumpsuit, a red skinny belt, red Iron Fist Peeptoe Shoes with black sequin skulls, red earrings and a red cocktail ring.  Oh and the red lippy!!!

So we went out to the pub and sat in the same seat where Simon and I had our first date 27 weeks ago.  Simon and I sat together, clicked glasses and kissed.  It was a lovely moment.  A moment I wanted to keep forever.

Then the 2 marketing lads came in.  We sat and discussed business.  They decided to kick the weak link out and just the 2 of them set up together.  We drank to that.

A message then popped up on my phone. It was Nick, aka Hump n Dump. "How r u hun? R u not out tonight x"

I told him that I was.  He said he was bored.

Then he messaged this:  Miss u hun I so regret being the cunt I was.  I almost fell off my chair!!!  He then went on to admit that he always fancied me.  That he still thinks of me.

As you can remember, Hump n Dump was called that for a reason.  It all started with one night.  When I was working for the corporate machine, I worked with him.  We'd always have banter and a laugh.  He had a lovely smile.  He'd make me smile.

We planned to go on a night out, a big group of us.  That was the night we first kissed.  I brought him back to mine.

We went to my bed and just kissed.  We held each other and spent the night listening to music and just kissing.  It was lovely. He was a great kisser.  I felt happy. Like really happy.

It wasn't awkward in work either.  We just went on as normal.

Then he came back to mine one night after work.  We ate pizza watched a film.  Then he got a call from his friend and he needed to go.

Before he left, we did it.  It was quick sloppy and not romantic.  He kissed me and said ""we'll do this properly another day"

Well, that day never came.  He humped me and dumped me.  I was heart broken, I mean really heart broken.  At work he avoided me.

He tried to make it up to me by sending me pathetic emails.  Now he has come back saying he was mistaken.

My Friday night went from being ok to me being upset.  Why?  Because I didn't get closure.  I moved on.  I moved out of Manchester.  I left that behind me.

Hump and Dump made me angry.  And I mean good and proper angry.  I got a bit drunk and when we got home, Simon looked at me and said, Betty you are gorgeous.  I smiled and kissed him.

I went to sleep feeling restless.

The next day I felt sick.  Like really sick.  And also it was Andrea's wedding.  And I wasn't going.  I got up and made my nail appointment I scheduled.  Decided on long blue talons.  I tried a new beauty therapist.  She was ok and she decided to bring her hyper active 5 year old boy to work with her.  As I was a bit hungover, I was in no state to deal with a hyperactive 5 year old.  As soon as she finished I went to Starbucks, got Simon a coffee and made my way back.

I got in and woke Simon by putting one of the guinea pigs on his face.  He smiled at me and kissed me.  He drank his coffee and I read the paper.

I couldn't stop thinking about Hump and Dump and the Wedding.  I felt a tidal wave of rage.

I then burst into tears.  They were tears of anger, rage, upset.

How dare Hump n Dump fuck up the balance of my life!! And how dare Dan ruin my chance to see my friend's wedding!!!!  I cried.  And cried.  Then Simon came over and held me tightly. I just cried.  Couldn't stop.  I wanted to scream, find Dan and punch hi!  How dare he??  How fucking dare he go to my friend's wedding?  The manipulative socio-path!!!!!

Simon put his fingers through my crazy hair.  Hen kissed the top of my head.

I then thought. Would Hump n Dump have done that?  Would he have held me like this?  Let me cry it out?

When I finished crying, Simon dried my eyes.  We went food shopping and I did my best not to throw up.

I took a nap when we got home and when I woke up I felt better.  I knew that Hump n Dump wouldn't hold me when I cried.  He wouldn't try to take the pain away.  He'd cause more pain and more heartbreak.

So last night Simon and I made love and I went to sleep with a smile.

My life isn't perfect, not even close.  I have a small amount of demons to exorcise still.  It's been hard the last few months.  Adjusting to a new life. Trying to find my place in this life.  But the advantage I have is that I am not doing this alone.  I have a great man beside me at all times.  I have a few select friends that I keep close to me.  They are good people and I am blessed to have them.

So Ragers and Ragettes, I hope that made sense.  The last few days have been crazy but I am getting through.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your standards and heads heigh and your heels higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxx

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Post is About You

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It’s cooler day today but still lovely.  I am rocking a pair of jeans, a cute purple, black and tan camisole with a black peplum blazer with black peeptoe stilettos.  Fabulous!!  I do like autumn but am missing summer.

Well, a few days ago I received a message from a guy who I used to date. 

Stan (name changed to protect the innocent!!) and I dated on and off for about a year.  It started well.  We had a great first date, fell into bed with each other and started on a tidal wave of romance. 

Sort of.

I was living with Andrea at the time and trying the dating thing.  Stan ticked all the boxes at the time.  He was cute, liked football, was a beer and burger sort of guy, a great kisser and had a huge cock.  I mean, massive!!!  It was great sex with Stan.

Then he started to develop some strange and irritating habits. 

I love the beautiful game and am a Liverpool supporter.  If we win, I am happy!  If we lose, oh well better luck next time.

For Stan it was more like a religion.  One day his beloved Manchester City lost, and I made a joke and he turned really arsey.  And I mean, proper arsey.  Like abusive language arsey.  I felt confused and upset.  He could jibe me about Liverpool losing and I would laugh and say we were shit.  (and at the time we were....I mean proper shit)

Another habit was twice as strange.  He would text me these sorts of questions:  What are your thoughts now?  Are you thinking of me?  What three things do you want for your future?  Do you think of me often?

Talk about intense!!  I was really sort of stuck. 

Then one day we were walking out of the flat so that I could take him home and my old neighbour, Laura, was going out for a run.  He looked at her very slender figure and said (after she left) damn...she’d be great in a threesome!!

Right, total creep!!!

I was relieved when he told me he didn’t want a relationship.  And thinking about it he was my age, living with his parents, working at a factory with no ambition.  I wrote that off as a bad experience.

Then a few months later (when I was dating a few guys at once – I liked to keep my options open, what can I say?  It wasn’t anything serious!!)  he got back in touch.  Oh Betty, I miss you.  God I made a mistake.  I told him that I wasn’t interested and he lost it.

Oh Betty, I miss you!  I need you!  Let’s start again, baby!!!  I agreed, reluctantly, to go out on a date with him.   He was all full of praise and we drank a bit more.  I stupidly had him back to mine again.  We started dating again.

Then one day he messaged me wanting a naked picture of me.  I said hell no!  Betty Rage doesn’t do that!!

He then got cold and frosty and I didn’t hear from him again.

Then I received a message from him the other day.   Hey Betty, I saw a program about your hometown and thought of you. 

What the?

So I played it cool.  Very cool.  I gave one word answers.  We were chatting and I mentioned that I started writing this blog (I didn’t tell him the name)  And then he said it.

Did you write about me?

Ok, Stan.  If you want me to write about you here we go.

You are a fuckwit.  You are still living with your parents.  You are negative, self deprecating, narcissistic and yes, I let you into my life.  And from that incident I learned a lot.

I learned that I can do better.  That a true gentleman (Simon) wouldn’t ask for naked pictures.   That yes, you may have a huge penis but what you have in penis size you lack in personality.

I am not usually this brutal but you mind fucked me pretty bad and the thing that pisses me off the most is that I let you.  I let you make me think that you were the best that I can do because men don’t like bigger girls.

So when I told Stan that me and my big half Italian ass have found a fabulous man, we live in a penthouse, I have a good job, things aren’t perfect but my man and I are very happy, thank you very much, all he did was leave me with a sad emoticon.

Pathetic.

So Ragers and Ragettes, that demon has been exorcised well and truly.

Until next time, keep your standards and heads high, and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx