'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Here I am Ragers and Ragettes, in my childhood bedroom.  Listening to the Beatles surrounded by photos of me, my sister and my family.

The carpet has changed from cornflower blue to cream.  My writing desk from when I was a little girl is gone too (which is sad.  My Italian granddad sanded, varnished and customized it for me.) replaced by a smaller one.

A photo of me when I was 2 years old, blonde with a cheeky smile is staring down at me. 

So much has changed.  My homeland has changed.  Even in the last 12 months.

And as you all know, the last 12 months for me...well, there you go.

Being away has been good for me.  I spent $500 in Sephora (I had too!  It's makeup!!!!!!!!  Give a girl a break!!!!  And Fenty Beauty Stunna and Gloss bomb, I totally recommend!!) on new foundation and other bits.  Yes, I love, love make up. 

I met up with a friend of mine for our yearly catch up.  She is autistic and works with animals.  I like meeting up with her because there is no drama.  Yesterday it was different as she was quiet.  She had a hard year too.  She's on medication and the medication stopped working.  She looked like a shell of what she usually is.  I hugged her and told her that it was going to be ok.  I am here for her always. 

It has been hard this time around.  Not because of the last 3 months but because mama Rage isn't well.  Mama Rage is now officially disabled.  The bones in her feet are mashed up.  She is in constant pain.  She can't walk unaided.  She has a walker for upstairs and a cane for down stairs.  Even when she uses the cane she struggles, badly.  She winces because of the pain.

We went to Macy's and I had to push her around in a wheelchair.  I laughed and joked about it but my heart was breaking.  So to take my mind off of this, I did the one thing that made me happy.  I wheeled her around Macy's and we looked at fashion.

My grandma (mama's mom) used to be a seamstress to very wealthy people in the old country.  Mama used to model her designs and other designers creations.  So fashion is in my blood.

We looked at blouses, skirts and found that we have a lot in common in regards to fashion and style.  We both like the vintage 1950's designs.  The structured blouses, blazers, pencil skirts (I found 2 Versace inspired  pencil skirts that I need to go back and get!!) brooches and red lippy.  Yes, I am truly my Mama's daughter.  (I really wish Suzanne was with us!!!!!!)

But that worries me.  You see, her condition is genetic (osteoporosis and osteoarthritis) and if I don't get control of my eating and my life that could be me.  At the age of 69 being wheeled around.

So the pity party is now over.  Yes, Simon and I have broken up.  Yes, I moved out.  Yes I have an awesome new job.

Time to pull my head out of my ass and look forwards, not back. 

As I look at photos of my teenage self, eyes full of hope, I can't let her down.  I need to take control of my eating and my exercise.  I have been drinking a lot recently and that worries me.  I have slowed it down a lot since I have been out here.

Seeing Mama Rage in the state she is in has scared me shitless.  I have to make changes.  I have to.

So today I am taking control back.  Today I am fighting for my life.  My future.  My happiness.

So on this night before Christmas, I am going into the big day determined to be the best that I can be.  To fight to take care of my body and my mental health.  To treat my body like a temple.  To learn from my mother's mistakes.  To not have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair.  Also surrounding myself with good people.  People like Suzanne. 

So tonight, Ragers and Ragettes, look to the future with hope. Don't be sad.  If you are religious, the hope of Christmas day, the story is a promise of a new beginning.  A new way of doing things. 

If you are not religious, Christmas does have a magical feel to it.  I know a lot of people say that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people too.  This Christmas I hope that we can be kind, loving, patient, understanding and let the magic of the day fill our hearts with love.

So to new starts, a hopeful future and love to you all, Ragers and Ragettes.  Thank you for reading my posts and supporting me.  I love you all.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I wish you all a fabulously amazing 2018

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

On Surviving

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

One week until Christmas.  Can you believe it?  It's chilly here in Manchester.  Brrrrrr!!!  I'm wearing my jogging bottoms and hoodie.  My housemate's house isn't the warmest.  It's an older home.  He has 2 fireplaces and even with them both on and the central heating, it's not warm at all!!!

But this situation is very much temporary.  Save my cash so I can get my own place.  That is the plan!!

Well, work is going from strength to strength.  For the first time in my whole career I have been treated like an actual manager!!  They listen to me.  I place my orders and they trust me.  Last Thursday I spoke to the Commercial director and he said my probation is a formality.  They want me to stay on permanently.  They also want to send me to China for a week to see how the product is made and such.  And it's actually going to happen.  They are securing my Visa after the Christmas break.  I should be going over in March.

I actually love my job.  I can see myself staying here, in the company and this area for a long while.  It's very posh here.  I feel like a scruff most days.  But the village is quaint and cute.

My housemate has't tried anything funny recently.  I do give him the goddess eyebrow a lot so I think that he has taken my resting bitch face as a do not even think about it you pervert sign.  Which is fine with me.

Right now, I am surviving,  Jan has now left the UK for good and I know that I will never hear from him again.  How does that make me feel?  I don't know.

I feel empty.  Sad.  I have so much to be happy about but right now I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream.  I want to cry until I puke.  I want to see him one more time.  I want to take is hand and tell him that I miss him.  I want him to touch my face again and tell me that I am his princess.  I want to hit him, kick him, kiss, him, fuck him, scream at him, cry in his arms.  I want him to hold me and tell me that it will be ok.

I know it will be ok.  I know it will.  But getting to that point will take time.

The weekend before last I went to a spa weekend with my friend and her brat of a daughter.  There I was on Saturday morning waiting for my pedicure.  Simon messaged me (he has messaged me loads since I left.  It's ok we are keeping it civil and we are getting along better now than we were when we were together) and I burst into tears.  My heart actually hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe.  There I was in my bathrobe, no pants on in this heavenly spa just crying. When the beauty therapist came out she had her plastered on smile and she kept asking, with that same fake smile, if I wanted her to stop the pedicure.  I ended up spilling everything to her. 

Her fake smile faded and I found a kindred spirit.  The week before she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years.  They have a child together and in fairness her boyfriend was being a fuckwit.  He was acting irresponsibly. She also found some photos on his phone (he apparently was one of these sick bastards that likes to take photos up women's skirts)  and she called it a day.  (and rightly so!!!)  She was stronger than I was.  I was blubbing like a baby.  But it felt good.

I haven't really been able to talk about this with many people.  I spoke to Suzanne but I feel like a shithead for doing that.  She has so much on her plate now.  I bet she wants to punch me and tell me to get the fuck over it.  I'm trying, I really am, Suzanne.

The truth of the matter is that I feel like total shit.  I feel like I am a zombie who is just surviving day to day. 

I laugh at the right time, I smile at the right time.  I compliment at the right time.  Inside I am being shredded to pieces. 

My work husband has picked up on this.  He's been lovely.  He's been trying to make me laugh.  He gives me hugs.  He says I am here if you need to talk.  I've said it once and I will say it again, when I get the strength to get out and date again, I pray that I get someone like him.  Him and Suzanne have helped me so much.

So here I am.  In 2 days I fly back to my homeland to face my Italian Mama with her snarky comments and opinions on my life.  "Why are you always tattooing yourself?  Stop getting piercings.  When are you going to get married? Simon was such a nice guy why didn't you over look his bad points? (she actually said that once about an ex of mine that couldn't keep his dick in his pants)  And my personal favorite, "Betty, have you had surgery, your boobs look bigger than last time."  Mothers....

I am not looking forward to this but in some ways I need the hug from my crazy mama.  Her craziness is maybe what I need now to get through this.

Roll on 2018.  I cannot wait to leave this shit year behind and move on

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

On Christmas Tree Decorating

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

Today is a cool day here in south Manchester.  Today I decided to go and see Suzanne to help her put her Christmas tree up.

My new dress was delivered yesterday so I wore that (a cream colored Bardot style sweater dress)n teamed with my knee high tan block heeled boots, gold hoops and gold rings.  I think I looked ok!

I got to Suzanne's and her house looked like Christmas came early!!  Festive wreaths, ribbons, glitter, it was magical!!  Suzanne loves Christmas.  When I took her to the Christmas market last week, her eyes lit up like a child's.  Her smile (which lights a room up anyway) was the biggest I ever saw!!  She looked so happy!!!!

I sat down and we talked.  She showed me all her decorations for the tree.  As we were chatting a huge wave of sadness washed over me.  The tears started to flow.

I spilled everything and I mean everything out to Suzanne.  The feelings of guilt, sadness and fear.  My tears flowed, my words just came tumbling out.  Suzanne listened.  She let me spill all my fears, feelings and all the pent up emotions.  It was cathartic.

After I spilled my feelings out, she calmly said, it's going to get better, Betty.  She took my hand and said it's going to get better.  It's ok to feel how you feel. 

She soothed my mind and I felt so much better.  She held me and gave me the hug I have needed for the last 2 months. 

Everything has been getting to me.  Recently it has been Simon.  You see, I keep saying it, but Simon's business is on borrowed time.  Next year, he is going to most likely lose it all.  And I feel guilty.  I don't want him to fail or his business to fail.  I'd never wish failure on anyone.

I feel helpless as I wish that there was a way I could help him out.  Suzanne said, I had bailed him out so many times while he put his head in the ground.  She's right.  I don't know what else I can do but pray.

I am struggling with everything right now.  Plus my pervy housemate keeps trying to hug me.  So I am even more determined to get out of this house.  I'm saving every penny I can!!

I know that things now are not the best and as I said to Suzanne, I know that this time next year things will be 100% better.  I will be in a new house.  My career will be going from strength to strength and I will be stronger mentally.  It's just getting to that point.

Suzanne has been the only person who has actually listened to me.  Who hasn't bullied me, brow beaten me, or made me feel inadequate.  She hasn't spat out platitudes.  She's been sincere and what I need now.

After I stopped crying we started to decorate the tree.  Christmas music playing in the background, laughing and joking with Suzanne, it was like the last 2 months hadn't happened. 

We put the lights up first (4 sets!  2 colored, 2 white and one of each were blinking lights) and then we put a beautiful green and red ribbon around the tree.  I had never used a ribbon as a garland before!!  Then we started decorating the tree.  Colorful baubles, icicle shaped ornaments, candy canes, the tree started looking colorful and cheery!!

Then Suzanne put the last 3 ornaments which were so special and precious to her.  She stepped back and turned the lights in the room off.  The tree shone proudly.  Suzanne got teary and so did I!!  For a few minutes there was magic in my life again.  I hugged Suzanne and told her how much I love her and that I am so grateful for her.  I didn't want that moment to end...ever.

So here I am in my room.  My candles on, music playing.  Smiling as I think back to this day. 

It has truly been a bright spot in a time of darkness for me.  I will get through this.

I will come out stronger.  This is a blip and it won't last forever.  I know it won't.  So I'll treasure perfect days like today.   Because in this cold world, there is always Suzanne.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

On Post Break Up Feelings

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold Friday here in South Manchester.  Today I am wearing my sparkly red belted sweater with my bootcut jeans (which feel rather loose, my belt has gone to the next notch up), my cowboy boots and my red matte lippy firmly in place.

 

I have wanted to write about a lot of things recently.  A lot has happened.  But there are a lot of issues going on in my head.

 

Breaking up as the hardest thing I have ever done.  Moving house and starting a new job thrown on top?  Yeah, I appear calm on the surface but deep down inside I am a glorified mess.

 

My appetite is gone (great for the waistline!), I’m tired and I burst into tears for no reason at any time.  Great.

 

You see, in my head, I thought that I would just get up, leave, and forget.  My life would all of sudden become so much better.

 

Wrong.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in a better place in my career.  I love my job.  I really love it!  I have never felt so satisfied in a job before!!!  My new place to live is odd but it is 2 miles from work, it is temporary and thank fuck I have a lock on the door because I think my housemate might be a pervy sort of bloke, more about that later.

 

It’s the nothingness I feel that I think that is getting to me.  Last Friday Suzanne and I went to the Christmas market and had a great time.  And on that day I got chatted up by 2 men!!!  One who was younger than me and one that is covered in tattoos and has a crow tattooed on his face.  Nice.  And you know, usually I wold have been like, wow, people find me attractive.

 

But I just don’t give a shit.  My libido is gone.  Completely.  (Which isn’t like me).  And it’s been ages since I last had sex, I don’t even remember how it feels anymore.  The thought of anyone touching me sexually right now makes me feel physically sick.

 

I think the worst bit of this all is that I don’t know if I am doing this right.  I am feeling a lot of bad feelings.  I had a horrible thought about 10 minutes ago of just ending it.  I don’t know what brought that thought on.  So I did the only thing that I could.  I bought myself a cute sweater dress online just so I could have something to look forward to. 

 

I feel a lot of anxiety.  I feel displaced.  I feel like I don’t have a home.  I have the house and the new place where I am living now.  But they don’t feel permanent. 

 

I know that things will get better.  I know that it is darkest before dawn and all that sentimental shit.  I get it.  But I want to have a huge cry.  I want to have a meltdown of toddler proportions.  You know, stomp my feet, scream, throw things, break dishes, just release it. 

 

I feel bad about talking to people about it.  I mean people have their own shit to deal with.  Right?  Why should they take on my shit too?  I have always gotten through things by myself.  This time, I am struggling.  Like really struggling.

 

And to make matters worse, I heard from Jan.  He is moving back to Denmark.  When I got that news, I was in Manchester waiting for Suzanne last Friday.  I jumped into the nearest pub and bought 2 shots of vodka and a pint.  I downed both shots and drank my pint so quickly. 

 

You see, I always thought that one day he’d come for me on his white horse wearing a white button up shirt undone exposing his strong chest.  He’d lift me up on the horse and we would live happily ever after in Copenhagen in our stylish minimalistic house.  We’d both cycle to work, wear matching sweaters, drink wine, go out with our stylish friends…but I was obviously deluded. 

 

He is leaving and my heart broke again.  I know that this is the best thing.  This chapter has to close once and for all.  But I am hurting.  I’m hurting bad.  I feel shell shocked.

 

The men that are currently in my life are disappointments.  I have Simon (we still talk most days as friends) who to this day I have to still remind to do things (yes I should let go of that).  He still makes me laugh.  But the girl that is working in the office with him I think has started to make a move on him even though she has a boyfriend.

 

I started getting messages about me coming back to the house and what days are best because she is taking him out to dinner and she is doing this, that and the other with him.  And yes, you read that right.  SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.  She does this though to her girlfriends.  She’ll be inappropriate with other their partners, most of the time in front of her boyfriend.  I don’t give a shit because Simon and I are both single now.  He can fuck who he wants.  I guess that I am angry because her boyfriend is a friend of mine.  He’s a genuinely lovely man and deserves the best.  She doesn’t deserve him at all.

 

Then there is my housemate who last Saturday tried to shove his tongue down my throat and put his hands up my top.  I stopped that straight away.  Ever since then he has been super nice.  Last night he hugged me a bit too tight though.  Thank God there is a lock on my bedroom door.

 

But then there is my work husband.  He seems to be the most dependable.  Yes, he has a girlfriend and he takes care of her 2 children as his own.  He keeps fit, cycles to work every day, and he’s building a bar in his garden.  (I’ve been helping him with décor ideas)  He loves football, music and has a positive attitude.  He’s a lovely guy.  He’s hugged me a few times.  And in those few moments, I felt like some of the pieces have clicked back together.  Now I don’t think I have feelings for him.  He is just a friend.  And that’s how I want it to stay.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.  No fucking workmates.  And he is a colleague that I have to work the closest with.  We work in the same office, just the 2 of us.  We take care of each other by making sure that we are drinking enough water and in the insanely busy moments we are ok.  And he has a girlfriend so he is totally off limits. 

 

I hope though in time that when I do get back out there and this veil of darkness that is over my head lifts, maybe just maybe I’ll find someone as wonderful as my work husband. 

 

I don’t know.  All I know is that this feeling sucks.  I wish I could pack it up in a box and send it to Abu Dhabi.  I don’t want to feel yucky anymore.  And no matter how many platitudes I get, and all the “you’ll be ok, you’re strong”, and “you won’t be single long”, and my personal favorite, “You need to go out and dance and get drunk!”  Firstly I hate dancing unless it is my house to ELO (damn you ELO for making such catchy songs!!!) mostly in my undies and secondly surely I know what is best for me?  Just a thought!  I feel like no one really understands how I feel.  And the worst bit I feel that nobody cares.  I’m tired of coming across as the Teflon woman.  For once I want to be vulnerable, scared and I want to be able to cry and cry and not get preached at. 

 

But I know that these feelings and my place of residence are all temporary.  So I am just taking it one day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  Great times are ahead.  I know it.

 

Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn.  But when the dawn breaks, wow!  What a gorgeous sight it truly is!!!

 

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.

 

Lots of Love

 

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx