Hey Ragers and Ragettes!
This is kind of a part 2 of my last post about getting
emotionally involved with the Show, The Killing (Or Forbrydelsen if you are
Danish). I was chatting to Suzanne about
it and, like she always does, she pointed out something that was so obvious
about why this show was hurting me to finish.
If you can remember, I was dating a Danish guy, Jan, before
I met Simon. It was an intense 6 week
fling but it left an indelible print on my mind and heart.
I never really confronted my feelings. It ended strangely and abruptly. We just kind of....stopped. He sent a flustered text in broken English saying
that he couldn’t be in a relationship and that he was moving to London for
work. I numbly texted back agreeing but
I remember feeling like I was punched in the stomach. I started seeing Simon and I used that to
forget about him.
But I never did.
I still have the old texts.
I will be out somewhere and I will get a whiff of his Chanel aftershave
and crumble. I will hear a song that
reminds me of that time and fall to pieces.
I asked Suzanne why I let him get under my skin? Why I still feel
raw?
The thing is, I started watching that show around the time
when I started seeing him. We’d joke and
laugh about it, he’d tease me with clues about what happened and when we finished,
I had just finished season 2.
I didn’t want to see Season 3. The thought terrified me but last weekend I
decided that I needed to see it. So I
started watching it...with a large glass of red wine. It is fabulous and great (Sofie Gråbøl is seriously
an amazing actress) but that feeling in the pit of stomach crept up...And when
the main character fucked the strangely sexy man that was clearly hiding
something I broke down and cried. Hard.
The sick feeling carried over from the night before to
Monday. I thought it was the program. But after that conversation with Suzanne it
fell into place.
I felt so angry. I am
angry because it ended with him. I am
angry because he got under my skin and into my heart. I am angry because he took my power away from me. But I am angrier because I couldn’t be the
woman that he wanted me to be. You all
know that I am a curvier lady (But that is definitely changing...I’ll blog
about that in the next few weeks). I don’t
have thick lush hair, perky boobs, and a washboard stomach. I didn’t know what he wanted. And that is what made me angry. I didn’t know him as well as I wanted and as
I thought it did. It was a quick, passion filled lustathon. I didn’t get to know his favorite colour or
background. All I knew was he knew what
buttons to press (mentally and physically).
When he kissed me, I melted. His
touches made every nerve in my body react in ways that I never experienced
before. He claimed to not be “experienced”
but he knew what he was doing. He just
instinctively knew where and how to touch me.
It was to the point that if he told me to move back to Denmark with him,
I would have dropped everything no questions asked and run after him.
Was it love? I have
no clue. Sometimes I think it was a
crazy dream. Surely a man like that wasn’t
real?
Coming to the end of the series made these feelings come to
the surface. All beautiful and wonderful things do come to an end.
Suzanne told me that with TV series that we love, when they
end, you get to write the rest of the story in your mind.
So I like to think in the story of Jan and Betty this is the
ending:
Betty goes on to be successful in business. She opens a salon, marries Simon, and travels
the world. She has a fabulous wardrobe
of clothes, the ultimate shoe collection, good friends and lives happily ever
after.
Jan moves back to Denmark.
He is happy and successful. He
meets a woman and they fall in love. But
every once and awhile on a cold and clear Danish night, while he sips a glass of red by the fire, he thinks back
fondly to the time that he dated and made love to a crazy American in
Manchester named Betty Rage....
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and
standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
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