On Visitors from the Past

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold but sunny day here in St Helens.  I am really missing summer.  I have gorgeous maxi dresses, jumpsuits and maxi skirts that need to see the light of day!!!

It’s work from home Wednesday which suits me fine.   I like having my sanity break from the hustle and bustle from work.  Plus it’s a chance to clean up and get the laundry done.

Next Thursday, two of my old childhood friends will be coming over to visit me.  They are going to Paris, Amsterdam (lucky!!) and London and they are going to come up for one night to see me and catch up.

I don’t know how I feel about this.  You see, when I left home 11 years ago I left behind a lot of people and my past to forge a new life for myself.  I needed to find who I was and find a place where I fit in.

The two friends that are coming to stay were a big part of my past.  Charity (names changed to protect the innocent) was my first proper friend.  We met in Kindergarten and instantly became friends.  This friendship lasted through elementary school, into middle school and then into high school.  We drifted apart in high school though.  Charity became quite bitter and I was just diagnosed as being bipolar.  I was pushing people away left, right and center because I knew I wanted to leave.

Charity and I had great times together.  We were close, always laughing together and making stupid jokes.  I loved her like my sister.

The other friend, Amelia (Again, names changed), I met in high school.  She came as a package in that she and her best friend Jillian (name changed) were joined at the hip.  Charity, Amelia, Jillian and I hung out in high school.  We had sleepovers, did extracurricular activities like theatre, together.  We were inseparable.

I then got diagnosed as bipolar and pushed everyone I cared about away.  I left home and I lost touch until the wonders of social media.  Charity and I made contact. 

Charity has, from what I see, a great life.  She got pregnant by a man who is in the navy.   He did the right thing and married Charity.  They now have 2 beautiful children together.  As Charity’s husband is in the navy, he makes a load of money.  Charity doesn’t have to work or want for anything so she puts everything she has into raising her children.  In a way, I’m envious. 

We met up a few years ago at our old favourite pizza place when I went home for Christmas and we had a meal and a few beers to reminisce.  Charity has grown up to be quite strong, level headed and she looks happy. 

Amelia ended up marrying my ex boyfriend from high school.  No hard feelings, he wasn’t my type and Simon is better looking and better for me.  Amelia and Charity got quite close as friends and now they are best friends.  Amelia also has a young son that she dotes on.

I don’t know how I feel about all this.  They are both coming up next week and I am scared that to them I will be a laughing stock.  There they are.  Both married, with children.  Is the conversation going to be about play groups, nappies and the hardship of raising children?

Do I have anything in common with them anymore?  I want Charity and Amelia to remain the way they were in my mind all those years ago.  I want us to be the same girls that would sneak out and have cheeky cigarettes around the bleachers.  Or when we would go shopping together. 

I just don’t know what to expect.  Letting them into my world, is our apartment good enough for them?  (Charity has a massive house)  Again, I am not married, I have no children.  Are they going to look down at me? 

This is causing me massive panic.  It’s like the past is coming to meet up with me and I don’t know if I can handle this. 

But it’s only 1 night.  That’s it.  I need to figure out what to do with them when they come over. 

Sorry if this is disjointed, Ragers and Ragettes.  All these memories and thoughts are rushing through my mind.  Good, bad and crazy.  I just hope that I can survive it and that all the worries are in my head.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

Let's Misbehave!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It's a cool and rainy day here in St Helens.  It's supposed to be getting warmer and I need warmth!  Luckily I am in the flat wearing a velour tracksuit, hair messy and greasy "working" from home.  Which basically means, I am in the flat, I have the emails on, watching Netflix and I have done 2 loads of laundry, made some ice cream (I'll explain later) and cleaned up a bit....well not a lot.

I have made some physical changes recently.  As you know, I got my nose pierced recently.  It's something that I have wanted for ages!!  I have ordered some hoops for my nose piercing as this stud is just that....it's a stud.  Like one you would use to pierce someone's ear so it is straight through and I have to be careful not to pinch my nose, blow my nose as the stud will basically pierce my septum.  I have drawn blood a few times.  The actual piercing is healing nicely.  So when the hoops come I am going to try to figure out which size is the right one and get it in so I can wash my face and get back to being normal again.

The other change I made....I got my hairdresser to dye my hair.....neon pink.  Yes, you read that right.  Neon pink.  It's something that I have wanted to try out for ages, along with my pixie cut.  The colour is so bright!  It looks neon pink in certain lights but in other lights it looks bright red.  I quite like it.

But I know that Mama Rage won't.  When we Facetimed and she saw my nose ring she wasn't best pleased.  She hasn't seen my hair yet but I have a feeling she will hit the roof.

You see, I have realised recently that this being an adult thing really sucks.  Here I am, over 30, terrified of my own Mama.  Terrified of what?  What can she do to me?

Growing up, my parents were strict.  Daddy Rage was the disciplinarian and discipline he did!!  He would spank us if we were naughty.  He didn't beat me black and blue or anything like that. It was usually over the knee, spank with a ruler, slipper or hand and then go to the room.  After it was like nothing ever happened.

In my mind I feel like that little girl again when it comes to my parents.  That when I make major life choices, I take myself back to when punishment was meted out when it comes to telling my parents.

That was one of the deciding factors in me leaving in the first place.  But even now I still feel that they have a hold over me.

Every once and awhile, I get this feeling.  The feeling of wanting to be a naughty girl.  Not in a sexy way, no.

It's mostly to do with food.  I get the compulsions to binge.  Go to the shops and buy crisps, pizza, ice cream, hide under a blanket and just eat like a naughty little girl.  Or I get the compulsion to get tarted up, go to the local pub and see if I can get a man to buy me a drink an see where it leads.

I have done these things many times before and I can confidently say....IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!

Suppressing that inner naughty child sometimes is for my own good.  I am trying to lose weight and I know that if I made that choice to be a naughty little girl, it would set me back, hence why I was making healthy "ice cream" today.  To try and distract myself.

Sometimes the need is so bad, so strong that I can't help myself.  Controlling those feelings have been trying.

I think that I get the urge to misbehave out of pure boredom or feeling overwhelmed.  Work has been trying.  Simon and I are ok but a lot is happening and I think that we are letting it get on top of us.  We haven't been out on a date night for ages.

So I need to remedy that.  Before, I would have binged, purged and done stupid things.  I would have misbehaved.

But I am learning how to cope with these naughty feelings.  So here I am wrapped up on the couch, nice and cosy...too cosy to get up and raid the refrigerator.  I am concentrating on my goals.  I know that this feeling will pass.

So, I will continue to "work" (aka look at sundresses online) here in my warm cocoon.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and keep your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxx

On Spring, Pink and Changes

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  I am sorry for not posting recently.  Work and life has been manic!  I am in a superbly fab mood!  I think that spring has sprung here in St Helens.  The sun is shining, there is a soft breeze filtering through and the lads at work are all wearing shorts, which is good in some ways and bad in others!

So today I am wearing a my turquoise off the shoulder batwing top, skinny jeans, turquoise accessories and my vintage turquoise peep toe sling backs stilettos.  It’s a good outfit today.  I am pleased with it! 

A quick shout out to Suzanne.  She is not feeling very well and has a chest infection.  Please get better, Suzanne!!!!!

I love spring.  It is my favourite season of all time.   The sun comes out, winter jumpers go back and sandals come out.  And I always mark spring with getting a pedicure.  (my feet are in a right state now!!!!!  Thank God my toes have some paint on the nails.  I need to book in!)  Plus the introduction of my favourite types of clothing...maxi skirts and the most forgiving piece of clothing.....maxi dresses!!!!!!   Thank heavens!  I love maxi dresses.  No matter how much you eat or drink they still make you look like a summer goddess!!!  I also want to try and find Capri pants.  Keeping with the 1950’s vintage vibe, paired with a simple vest or a cute blouse, it’s a look that I love!

I decided to try something new this spring....experiment with different colours.  As you remember, the fabulous Suzanne advised me to go for block colours.  I have embraced this.  I have started wearing more....pink!!!  Yes, you read that right....I Betty Rage, the lover of red has started to embrace pink. 

I am rocking a neon pink, glittery shellac manicure (my nails are now strong, a nice length so the acrylics have come off...it’s easier for me to type.  I go through stages of liking acrylics and my own natural nails.  I have made a pact to start going for my nails being more natural.), I bought a fuchsia pink top and I tried my new fuchsia pink lippy (Melted Candy) from Too Faced....fabulous colour!!!  I love it!!  Embracing pink has been quite liberating.  It is more spring friendly, I think.  So this spring I will be mainly wearing more bold colours and going for bold manicure and pedicure colours.  I have to be careful though with colours like orange and yellow.  I couldn’t wear an orange or yellow dress.  But I could wear a blue dress and have yellow or orange accessories.  I am going to start playing with that sort of style. 

That’s why I like spring.  For me, it is a time to be more daring with colours.  I also think of spring as a time to be like a butterfly.  Try new things.

For example, I decided to be a bit more bold and I ended up getting a nose piercing!!!  I didn’t go for the cattle looking one, just a subtle nose stud.  Everyone says that it looks cute.  I have ordered a silver hoop to replace the stud when it heals.  The great thing about piercings is that they heal.  Yea, my nose ring will come out at some point but I am going to enjoy it now.

My pixie cut is going well too.  I love it!!  This was the best thing that I have ever done.  It takes me 2 minutes to wash, I spray on conditioner when I am done, and it 5 minutes to style my hair.  I also don’t wash my hair as often.  Like today, I sprayed some dry shampoo in my roots, rubbed it in, blasted it with the hair dryer and voila!  It’s done!  I put a turquoise flower in my hair too.   Dead easy!  So that has given me more time to do my makeup.  I have a hair appointment this Saturday and I have asked my hairdresser if he can dye my hair fuchsia....I know, that is a bit wild.  But it’s got to be tried!  After all it is spring!

I have now settled into a winning routine with my workouts. My trainer and I have been working hard.  I am in a good place with my workouts.  4 days of cardio a week, 2 weight sessions with my trainer and Saturday yoga.  (I might actually throw in an extra cardio session on the Saturday morning before yoga.  I am toying with that idea....)  My measurements are going down and I am feeling confident that I will get to my goal. 

I did have a bit of a glitch with my workouts though.   I started running 5k’s each day and I ended up having a sore knee.   So I have been rocking a knee brace at the gym, I put some gel insoles in my running shoes and my cardio sessions have been an hour on the cross trainer.  A lot of calories are being burned and that’s the main thing.

Things are ticking over nicely.  It’s scary but I am feeling more settled and starting to enjoy life instead of looking for the pointless drama in other people’s lives.   That’s why I have limited my communication with Rita.  I am sick of being drawn into drama and bad choices when I am on the up. 

It’s about self preservation.   It’s hard when you are on board someone’s sinking ship of negativity.  One of my favourite authors said, do you really want to be a link in someone’s chain of pain? 

Since I have limited my communication with Rita I feel a lot better and a lot happier.  I just feel like I have been there too much.  I would normally do anything for my friends.  But I am tired of analyzing every text and Snapchat.  I am tired of being treated like that fat friend.  It just came to a head that I needed to take care of my needs.

Remember Ragers and Ragettes, when you say yes to someone you are sometimes saying no to yourself.  My time is precious as I pretty much work 7 days a week.  I want my “spare” time to be filled with things that make my life better.  Like going to the gym, getting my nails done or shoe shopping (I need new sandals!).  I don’t want to be someone’s sounding board and when I dispense advice the amount of times I have, if you don’t take it, you’re stupid.  Simple.  I like to call people like that askholes.  (People that ask for advice without the intention of taking it)

So, Ragers and Ragettes, I am looking forward to enjoying spring.  I am looking forward to weekends in the beer garden (sparkling water for me, I’m off the booze) wearing my sundresses, drives in my convertible feeling the wind in my hair, going out on day trips, shopping and getting that first pedicure of the season!!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx