Hey Ragers and Ragettes!
Today is a rainy day here in the Northwest of England. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! I took the day off as a personal day as I needed to just relax and get my head together.
I told my house mate a few weeks ago that I am moving out. She started out being ok and then turned nasty for about 3 days. It was so bad that I broke down and had a panic attack. We then had a heart to heart and we are now ok.
So I have been apartment hunting. I viewed a few and then I got the idea to go back to town where I lived when I started this blog.
I drove back there to view an apartment, looking at the familiar scenery. Memories rushed through me. It felt good but somehow not right.
The apartment I viewed...it was ok. It was nice but there was one issue. The windows were sealed shut. Yeah. Not being able to open the windows? No thank you!
As I drove back it was nice going down memory lane. Those crazy memories of those crazy times. The dates, the laughs, the sex, Jan.....
I then viewed a place closer to work. The place was nice. 2 bedrooms, 10 minutes from work. Very nice area. It's a 10 minute walk to the train station and the village which has loads of restaurants, shops and pubs. A place that I could see myself walking down in the village on a summer weekend wearing a sundress enjoying the scenery. I could see myself going into the coffee shop and reading a book. The local pub serves a decent meal and shows that football. The quirky cute boutiques and restaurants I can see myself frequenting.
So today, I went in and put the money down and secured the apartment in the cute village 10 minutes from work.
This is a momentous day.
The last 2 years, I will have moved 9 times. I haven't had a stable home for 2 years. I'm done. This is a new start. This is a 12 month contract. I am now getting what I want. Closure and now I can move on.
I am already planning it all out. The color scheme, the cutlery I am going to get, the color of the bathroom, getting shelving to put into the linen cupboard. Simon is going to give me the old TV (there is nothing wrong with it, he just a shinier new model). It's fully furnished and the bed in my room is cool and modern.
This is my chance for a clean fresh start. This is what I have wanted since that fateful day when I ended it with Simon. I am able to bring my guinea pigs, take my vanity and the rest of my shoes (a shoe rack and a suitcase full of shoes!!) and clear out of St Helens for good.
This is what I have wanted and I am 41 days from getting it. 41 days until freedom. Freedom to be who I want to be!
I can take baths on a Sunday without having to ask permission. I can walk around my apartment in my knickers. I can have a glass of wine without feeling like I am being horrible (my housemate is now 8 weeks sober) I can buy nice things without the fear of them getting used up. (seriously...nothing is sacred in this home....boundaries people!!!) Plus I will have my own parking space (parking at where I am now is a nightmare. If I don't leave work exactly at 4pm I don't get a parking space at all, night mare!!!)
So the paperwork has been filed, admin fee has been paid, credit check is done, they just need a letter from my employer to say that I am employed, confirming my salary and such and then I move in April 18th.
This seems surreal. It hasn't kicked in yet.
I have been talking to Suzanne about it and she has been supportive as always. In fact she said that she is going to do a painting for my new home that I will proudly display in my front room (Turquoise and blues in the front room!!!)
This is it, Ragers and Ragettes. This is what I have been longing for. Autonomy, a place that I can call home. A place that I will decorate and love.
Ever since I left Simon, I felt like a darkness has enveloped me. I house shared, moved, I was sexually assaulted, I lived with a lady who had dementia, I've lived with an alcoholic. I've been in fear, I have had panic attacks. I have cried myself to sleep countless times. A few times I have wanted to end my life. I even planned to off myself after Christmas. That's how low I was. I couldn't see a way out.
But I feel the tide is changing. Things are now becoming better. I am getting stronger, more wise and I am learning each day what I want and what I don't want.
I am slowly getting back to the old Betty but also evolving into a wiser, tougher (fitter and skinnier) Betty.
Mr Wonderful and I are still talking. He's Mr Right Now I think and I am cool with that. I think that this will fizzle out soon. I don't hate him and he is now keeping me sane and positive. I don't see him leaving Switzerland I don't want to move to Switzerland. After I move in, I think that I will start to sort that side of my life out.
Yes, the last few years have been ups and downs.
But it's time to look forward. It's time to be strong and face the future with positivity and joy.
So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx
