On Distracting Myself

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold, wet, wild windy day here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!  It’s the sort of day that I could snuggle up in my onesie, sip a hot cup of peppermint tea and watch a good film.  It’s freezing!!!  Today I’m wearing my turquoise sweater, bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots with extra thick socks.  It’s that sort of day.

With everything that has been happening, a lot of stuff in my life has slipped:  my healthy eating, my gym workouts (I have a seriously bloated tummy now!), putting my makeup on and even doing my hair.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  And Simon is serious about getting engaged which I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So I am trying to find coping skills to distract myself.  I have been immersing myself in getting my wardrobe ready for the new job and planning my routines.

I find comfort in doing this.  I have bought some nice pieces for the new job:

2 plain white blouses

2 white blouses with black detailing

A black blouse

A Red blouse

A grey and black pussy bow blouse

A black Pencil skirt

A nude pencil skirt

A grey pencil skirt

A black and white printed Pencil skirt

A black with a floral pattern pencil skirt

Black wide leg trousers

Black fitted blazer

Nude Stilettos

Red stilettos

So I have the start of a good work wardrobe.  I have a few nice dresses too.  Now I will need to look for some nice classy black earrings and other accessories (Tights, and other bits....I might actually go for suspender belts and stockings....hmmmmmmm) and I have a wish list for a few more pairs of trousers and maybe another 2 blazers (a nude one and a grey one?)  I am struggling to find tan bootcut trousers. As I have a curvy body, cigarette pants or skinny taper legged trousers do not fit my shape.  At all.  I found some awesome flares but they are not workwear.  They are denim.  I have some tan work trousers (that I didn’t have the heart to throw out) that are 2 sizes down when I used to be smaller.  So I suppose I am going to have to work my butt off and get back into them!

I must admit, I love work wear.  I wear jeans and sweater to work and most days I cannot be arsed washing my face or putting make up on because what is the point?  I have no one to look nice for.  And I love dressing up.  Hopefully with this job there will be work night’s out and I can start dressing up again.

Now with my new job, I have to take pride in my appearance.  I have bought some mini toiletries for when I go to the gym in the morning.  I feel like I have a new lease of life. 

So I purchased some of those space bag things (you fold your stuff up and put it in the bag and suck the air out with a vacuum) as my wardrobe is in a state and so is my chest of drawers!!  So this weekend I will be sorting them out and putting old clothes on eBay.

I have also been reconsidering getting my Betty Bob back.  I don’t know why.  It could be the gym thing.  I don’t know.  I have been going through the pros and cons and I am very much undecided.   I love my extensions but I don’t know…

These are all wonderful distractions from what is going on in front of me.  I need to face these things but I don’t know how to.  I feel right now so many things.  I am so confused.  And this is how I deal with it.  I clean, organise and get rid of old stuff. 

I wish that I knew how I felt, what I want and how to deal with this.  Half of me wants to pack up my stuff and run away.  Maybe that is the answer.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

2017: A Year Of Change

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a coolish day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing a turquoise long sleeved t-shirt with my bootcut jeans and my cowboy boots

The last few weeks for me have been...well....filled with ups and down and more highs and lows than I have had for awhile.

So let’s start from the beginning.  Basically, I have a new job.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am leaving Simon’s business (not Simon, I’ll get to that later) and I start my new job on March 14^th.

This came about rather quickly.  I worked with a great recruitment agency and soon before you know it I was in my black and tan shift dress, black blazer, tights and black court shoes. The first interview was awkward.  I was with the Managing Director and the Human Resources manager. The Human Resources manager was very lovely and welcoming.  The Managing Director was awkward and I felt that he wanted the interview to end as quickly as possible.  I brushed it off thinking nothing of it.  The recruitment agent called me and told me that the Managing Director and Human Resources Manager both like me and to sit tight for a second interview. 

The next week, I received a call to say that they didn’t want to progress with a second interview as I wouldn’t fit into the “culture of the company.”  I was then like, whatever.  That’s fine and I forgot about it.

Then the next Monday afternoon after my therapy session, I received a phone call saying that they actually wanted to see me again and they apologised for the mix up.   On the Thursday I was back in my black shift dress, blazer, court shoes and tights talking to the Finance Director.  On Friday the job was offered to me.

It has been a blur.  The hardest part has been dealing with Simon on this.  When I told him, I didn’t get a reaction.  Just a blank face.  He wouldn’t talk to me about it.  So I had to resort to emailing him.  And after 5 days he decided to discuss it with me while he was on his phone playing a game and with the TV blaring in the background.   He didn’t even make eye contact with me about it.  But at least we are both ok with it all and we talked about it.

Now as you know, in the background of this Simon and I have been buying a house.  This bit has wrecked my head massively.   We have hit the point of no return.  The house is being bought and I cannot back out, sadly.  This house is in my name and in Simon’s name.  There are ways around it and I have been taking legal advice to see if I can get out of it someway. 

The fact that I am against the house I don’t know if it is down to the fact that my new job is in Manchester, or is it that I am unhappy with Simon or am I being resistant to the fact that I am scared that I am actually settling down and I have to be an adult?  I seriously don’t know.

Plus to make matters a little more fun, Simon’s alcoholic mum has decided to send me bullying and abusive text messages because she and Simon’s dad are dead set against us buying this particular house.  They haven’t sent any of these text messages to Simon or let him know how they feel.  They have decided to take it out on me.  And Simon hasn’t defended me.  That also riled me up.

Yesterday I sent an email to Simon about how I felt in regards to the house.  I told him that I am not comfortable and that sometimes I am resenting him because of this and the fact that I don’t know if I even love him anymore. 

He read it this morning and he started crying.  Nothing sucks more than seeing a man cry.  He said that we wanted to propose to me on Valentine’s Day.  Now my head is officially fucked.  I told him the only way that I will agree to marrying him is if we get couples therapy.  He actually agreed to that.  Is there something to save here?

So now I am sitting here wondering what is going to happen next.  What do I do?  Can I get out of buying the house?  And do I want to?  Do I want a relationship with Simon?  My heart and head are truly fucked. 

So I have been focusing on looking forward to my new job.  I found a new gym right next door to my new job.  I have also bought myself some new work wear.  Mostly pencil skirts, blouses, suit trousers, blazers and such.  And a few new pairs of shoes, obviously!   

The next few months are going to be interesting.  We’ll see how this plays out.  I’m not feeling too down.  I am going to focus on my new job, keep going with my fitness regime and just be positive.  That’s all one can do, I suppose!

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx