On the End of Summer

Hi Ragers and Ragettes!!  I am sorry for the delay in writing posts as I have been absolutely been mad, bonkers, shit crazy!  Each time I go to write, a phone rings, I get called over or there is a crisis.  I just want to write!!!  So come hell or high water I will finish this post!!!

It’s getting cooler so I have had to make a shift in my wardrobe.   So I am wearing a vintage purple, fuchsia, violet, grey and black wrap around dress with 3 quarter sleeves, black tights and black Mary Janes.  I need new shoes because my well loved Mary Jane’s have been loved to death and are starting to fall apart!  Oh no!!!  An excuse to buy shoes!!!  I need new boots too.

I am a bit down that summer is over.  Summer has always been a magical time.  It’s like your life takes a vacation on an idyllic destination.  For me, there has always been a haze of love, adventure and good times. 

Last summer I was working a temporary job and I first met my “comfort friend” (who I still speak to).  I was happy, unsure but I just went along with the roller coaster that he put me on.  Many nights a week I would have to drop him off at his flat in the morning before work and I didn’t mind that.  He’d always cook for me and always satisfy me after.  Those were lovely carefree days.  Last summer I enjoyed his company and him.  Even though I am with Simon, I still have a soft spot for him. 

A close male friend of mine once said to me, if you make a certain noise during sex, especially during orgasm, the guy owns you.  He’s totally right!!!  Since my comfort friend, no man has made me make that noise...you know what noise I am talking about, ladies?  When you are on the verge of climax and you are floating in that area of bliss and you feel the pressure building up.  Your stomach feels funny, your legs are tense and you know that at any point you are going to explode.  That noise. 

I think that is why I still think about him.  He is not attractive at all but he knows what he is doing.  He knew my body like the back of his hand.  I would gladly let him use me, satisfy me, then let him climax.  I would relish the after glow.  Resting my head on his chest, his fingers tickling my back laughing at his stories of debauchery and adventures of being a DJ in a big city.

Simon has made me cum but I have never made that noise with him.  I give it time.  I still have a lot to teach him...

I look back on last summer fondly.   Last summer I was taught not to give a shit.  And I have kept that with me.

This summer, what lessons have I learned? 

Firstly, I have learned that summer love is a great thing.  Simon and I are happy as a couple.  He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me.  I enjoy all the silly things he does.  Is our relationship perfect?  Not a chance!!  But our love is real and to me, although my comfort friend provided physical, sexual stimulation, he couldn’t provide me commitment, love, peace and stability that I craved.  But he provided laughs, sex, kisses, good movies and good food.

Secondly, I have learned that you need to be careful who you trust.  Like with Dan. 

Sigh.  In a strange sort of Stockholm Syndrome way I really miss him.  I miss watching the football with him, having a drinking session on the quays, I miss how he’d tell me stupid stories to make me laugh.  I miss his accent.  But I know that looking back at it all, it was a destructive relationship.  It was flawed.  He emotionally and verbally abused me.  Emotionally blackmailed me.  He head fucked me good and proper.  It’s scary what he did to me.  And I let him do that.  That’s what unsettles me the most.

Thirdly, I have learned that change is good.  I changed my hair colour (reminder to book in again for a top up next month) and I also last weekend got a fabulous new tattoo!!

I have wanted this tattoo for ages and I mean ages!!!  So last weekend Simon and I went to Blackpool to visit a friend of a friend of mine to get it done.  The tattoo is an elegant, watercolour poppy design on my shoulder/arm/back.  It’s lovely.  I wasn’t sure about it at first but this is stunning.  It’s healing nicely too.  It’s a big change for me because all of my tattoos (I have 15) have been discreet.  This is not discreet.  But I love it.  I want to add more to it and it is open to. 

The fourth thing I have learned is that when you have a best friend like Suzanne hold onto them.  Being away from her hurts my heart.  This morning I messaged her with a fashion question about my hair and like always she answered with the best advice.  (Ladies, when you change your hair colour drastically, you need to rethink not only your make up but your clothing.  Certain colours look off with certain hair shades.  I have to be careful with the shades of red that I am wearing.  I am going to start going for wearing lilacs, not purples, as Suzanne advised and she is totally right, turquoise and other jewel tones.  Half of me wants to start wearing a bright yellow but that terrifies me.)  Sigh.  I miss her whole heartedly.  I miss her smile, her accent, her beautiful eyes, her words of wisdom, her hugs, our jokes, our serious times...everything.  Suzanne is a massive part of my life.  And I feel like my right arm has been ripped off.  This coming weekend is a bank holiday weekend so I hope and pray to see her.  I miss her and I need to tell her that.

But, along with those lessons I have learned to not be too uptight and anal about things.  That it’s good to go forward but on certain things it is best to stick to what you know. 

My weight loss journey for example.  I am over thinking it.  I am losing weight but I don’t feel happy.  I am using an app called “My Fitness Pal” and wearing a Fit Bit band.  And you know what, Ragers and Ragettes?  It’s driving me bonkers!!!!  Last night I was reading my diary from the time I successfully lost weight 2 years ago.  I made it so simple and I mean really simple.  I just took a notebook and wrote my feelings and my food down.  So I am going back to that.  Those apps are making me paranoid and I am starting to have the compulsion to skip meals.  So I am going to be going back to what I know.  The exercises I did before and with Brad’s sessions I will be ok.  I will reach my goal.

The final lesson I learned?  I need to make time for things that I enjoy doing.  I love writing this blog about my crazy life.  I have so many ideas and things to say I need to start listing them!  I appreciate all of you for taking time out to read, laugh and learn from my stupidity and experiences.  So I have decided that in the evening, I am going to have strictly me time.  Take my hour for myself back.  Simon has his PS3 time and I want my blogging time!!!  I might not be able to write every day but I want to write at least 3 – 4 times a week so that is what I intend on doing. 

So Ragers and Ragettes!!  I am just about to go into a meeting with an international courier that needs to have its ass kicked as they are billing us wrong.  Hair?  Voluminous (thank you dry shampoo!!).  Eyes?  Mascara on and long.  Red lippy?  On.  Let’s kick some logistical ass!!!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, stay fabulous!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx