On Life in Limbo

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It's an overcast and slightly cool day here in St Helens.

Yes, I am in St Helens.  Ever since I moved out I have been effectively living a double life.  Sunday night to Friday morning I am living in Manchester.  Friday night to Sunday I am in St Helens living in the house that we bought.

The last few months have been ups and downs. There are days when I feel like I could live in Manchester for the rest of my life doing my 9-5 job.  There are other days where I miss Simon and my life in St Helens.

Recently I have been feeling like I am not fit for the real world.

The last 3 years I have been living in a strange, parallel reality.  A reality where I have tattooed my body, pierced my nose (and other things) and rocked turquoise, purple and pink hair.  I was able to express myself.  My job was soul destroying and I lived a lonely existence.  In ways when I found myself, at the same time I lost a huge part too.

I feel like I am not fit for the real world.  I have to mind my P's and Q's.  I have to smile, make small talk and ask about people's children.  Laugh at corny jokes.  Cover my tattoos, remove my nose ring and fit in.  The turquoise haired nose pierced Betty inside is often screaming to come out.  I have a gross sense of humour and I have to reign it in.  I can't make a lot of the jokes that I want to. Being normal in the real world is tiring.

I feel like I have to readjust to life on the outside.  Like I was in a weird prison.  Or for those 3 years, was I truly free and I am back in prison?  I have no idea.

All I know is that living this double life is tiring.  I feel like I cannot commit to anything or to anyone.

Simon and I have been chatting.  He wants me to come back working for him.  Part time.  He would pay for a course for me to get my accounting qualification.  The idea does appeal to me.  But in order to do this he has to lose 1 staff member as he cannot afford me.  There are a couple of options.

My lease is up in  October.  No matter what happens, I will be leaving my apartment in October.  It's ok but it stinks.  Like embarrassingly so.  I thought I could air it out but I was wrong.  Plus the traffic in the area makes the ride home really painful.  Like it takes 55 minutes to go 6 miles.  Ouch!

Work itself is ok.  The people are lovely.  The system we use is antiquated.  But I am blessed to have a lovely assistant.  My manager is odd.  Whenever I go in and see him he makes me feel like a sack of shit.

Simon's proposal is sounding very tempting.

Then there is Simon.  He has improved a lot with his behavior and attitude towards me.  He's made promises and if he keeps them, that would be great.  It's up to him though.

All I know is that I have until September 10th to make a decision on what to do and if Simon's proposal were to go ahead, he has to legally drop a staff member.  There are a few things that need to fit into place.

The universe sometimes has a funny way of handling things.  If I am meant to go back to Simon I am confident the pieces will fit.  If I am not then I know that something else will present itself.

So for the next few months it's life in limbo.

Until Next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx