On Rituals in the Midst of Mental Chaos

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!! It's a sunny Sunday here in St Helens. After a strange chilly start it looks like summer could be here! I'm wearing a blue sundress.

Well, from last post, I didn't get through to the second interview stage of the job. I was gutted, I must admit but kind of relieved. So I put my nose ring back in and dyed my bleach blonde locks to purple. My choppy hair style is growing out nicely and soon I can start making a decision on an actual hair style i want.

Ever so often I get days like this. It's usually a Sunday after all the chores have been completed. I'm not good at doing nothing. I have to always do something. That's when my brain starts to wander and that usually when I buy things. To stop me from thinking,

After the rejection from the job, I started thinking about my life. I have realised that I don't have the faintest idea what I want from my life.

I have a few different realities that play out in my head. Fantasies that are more attractive than my current reality.

Fantasy number one:  leave Simon and move to London. With my skill set I can get a very good job in an industry that I actually want....fashion or in make up. In this fantasy I live a Sex in the City lifestyle. I have the sexy apartment, a closet full of fab clothes and shoes. I go to fabulous parties, have loads of very good sex and possibly find my Mr Big and live happily ever after.

Fantasy number two:  stay with Simon. We build the business, sell it off and move to the Welsh countryside. We buy an old stone walled pub in an eccentric village, like in a soap opera. We live out our days happily in this cute village.

Fantasy number three:  my power lifting goes well. Very well. I become the British champion and get spotted by a Swedish weight lifting coach. (Weight lifting is huge in Scandinavia) he whisks me away to Sweden to train as a weight lifter. I become the Rhonda Rousey of the weight lifting world. The hot Swedish coach and I fall in love and live happily ever after...the only down side? I'd have to import all my trousers. Scandinavian women are tall, skinny and gorgeous with very long legs. My damn British/ Italian genes have given me big hips, small tits and a very short inseam. But a plus...I have amazing eyebrows.

All those fantasies are appealing. Very appealing.

I feel like I'm at this constant crossroads. I don't know which way to go or what to do. In times of uncertainty in the past, I've always fallen apart or fucked up monumentally. This is the most stable I have been since 2002. I don't want to fuck up, over spend or do anything to jeopardise what I have as for now it is adequate.

I've started an escape fund. I have some money in it. I'm putting money away for my trip home, where I intend on spending some in clothes and make up. But the fund is there for if things go tits up. Or if my future is Simonless I will be protected.

I've also started to rely on my little rituals. My face are routine, for example, has been a life saver. Cleanse, tone, serum, eye cream, moisturise. Twice a day. Everyday. I love my clarins products. I feel like royalty with that ritual.

Then My make up in the morning. That ritual is soothing too, I look at my face after and I feel like a human that is worth something.

I went through a stage where I wasn't doing these rituals. I felt unworthy, ugly and hopeless. Since I've been doing these rituals I'm eating better, exercising and losing weight. I've stopped drinking alcohol so my complexion is clear. I feel like I am in control of my life even though I feel lost in what my destiny is.

I don't know where I need to be or what I want to do. So I'm going to continue in my rituals. Continue taking care of my body and hopefully I'll know where I need to be and what I need to do. Here's hoping anyway.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx