Let's Misbehave!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!  It's a cool and rainy day here in St Helens.  It's supposed to be getting warmer and I need warmth!  Luckily I am in the flat wearing a velour tracksuit, hair messy and greasy "working" from home.  Which basically means, I am in the flat, I have the emails on, watching Netflix and I have done 2 loads of laundry, made some ice cream (I'll explain later) and cleaned up a bit....well not a lot.

I have made some physical changes recently.  As you know, I got my nose pierced recently.  It's something that I have wanted for ages!!  I have ordered some hoops for my nose piercing as this stud is just that....it's a stud.  Like one you would use to pierce someone's ear so it is straight through and I have to be careful not to pinch my nose, blow my nose as the stud will basically pierce my septum.  I have drawn blood a few times.  The actual piercing is healing nicely.  So when the hoops come I am going to try to figure out which size is the right one and get it in so I can wash my face and get back to being normal again.

The other change I made....I got my hairdresser to dye my hair.....neon pink.  Yes, you read that right.  Neon pink.  It's something that I have wanted to try out for ages, along with my pixie cut.  The colour is so bright!  It looks neon pink in certain lights but in other lights it looks bright red.  I quite like it.

But I know that Mama Rage won't.  When we Facetimed and she saw my nose ring she wasn't best pleased.  She hasn't seen my hair yet but I have a feeling she will hit the roof.

You see, I have realised recently that this being an adult thing really sucks.  Here I am, over 30, terrified of my own Mama.  Terrified of what?  What can she do to me?

Growing up, my parents were strict.  Daddy Rage was the disciplinarian and discipline he did!!  He would spank us if we were naughty.  He didn't beat me black and blue or anything like that. It was usually over the knee, spank with a ruler, slipper or hand and then go to the room.  After it was like nothing ever happened.

In my mind I feel like that little girl again when it comes to my parents.  That when I make major life choices, I take myself back to when punishment was meted out when it comes to telling my parents.

That was one of the deciding factors in me leaving in the first place.  But even now I still feel that they have a hold over me.

Every once and awhile, I get this feeling.  The feeling of wanting to be a naughty girl.  Not in a sexy way, no.

It's mostly to do with food.  I get the compulsions to binge.  Go to the shops and buy crisps, pizza, ice cream, hide under a blanket and just eat like a naughty little girl.  Or I get the compulsion to get tarted up, go to the local pub and see if I can get a man to buy me a drink an see where it leads.

I have done these things many times before and I can confidently say....IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!

Suppressing that inner naughty child sometimes is for my own good.  I am trying to lose weight and I know that if I made that choice to be a naughty little girl, it would set me back, hence why I was making healthy "ice cream" today.  To try and distract myself.

Sometimes the need is so bad, so strong that I can't help myself.  Controlling those feelings have been trying.

I think that I get the urge to misbehave out of pure boredom or feeling overwhelmed.  Work has been trying.  Simon and I are ok but a lot is happening and I think that we are letting it get on top of us.  We haven't been out on a date night for ages.

So I need to remedy that.  Before, I would have binged, purged and done stupid things.  I would have misbehaved.

But I am learning how to cope with these naughty feelings.  So here I am wrapped up on the couch, nice and cosy...too cosy to get up and raid the refrigerator.  I am concentrating on my goals.  I know that this feeling will pass.

So, I will continue to "work" (aka look at sundresses online) here in my warm cocoon.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and keep your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxx