Morning Ragers and Ragettes!
It's been awhile I know. Life has been very hectic and busy recently.
I moved out of the pervert's house and into the bed sit. The apartment isn't ready yet as the tenant seems to be a bit of a nightmare. I have met her and to be perfectly honest she seems like a stuck up bitch. When I meet her she looked me up and down and rolled her eyes. Nice. Apparently her mum pays her rent for her and she is a bit of a dick. She wouldn't show up to work on time and would call off sick. She is a nightmare and not a lot of people have good things to say about her.
So a few days before I moved out the pervert asked me why I looked so sad and why I was being "cold" towards him. He told me that what I needed was his dick in me. Classy. I am so grateful to be out of there.
My new place is ok. The house belongs to a lady that is in her late 60's. She is very posh. It's like living with your eccentric, crazy auntie. She has some very specific rules, like no shoes are to be worn in the house. No bare feet or socks either. You must wear slippers. No I am not making that up! No wet towels in the bedroom. You're only allowed wet towels in the laundry room or the bathroom (which is carpeted....God help me). I don't shower at the house. I go to the gym in the morning so I shower and get ready there before work.
She doesn't bother me, she leaves me to it which is the best thing. We chat. I make her laugh. She is a nice lady, just a bit batty. I tell myself that I am safe, I am warm, I'm not going to get sexually molested or raped. I can park my car on a driveway, instead of fighting for a parking space on a busy road. I don't get asked how much my shopping costs (the pervert loved to ask this question. He is Jewish and I used to tell him when he asks these questions he is reinforcing a negative stereotype about Jewish people and plus that is the height of rudeness). I don't have inappropriate comments made at me. (my landlady does tell me that I look lovely which is nice compared to comments that the pervert used to say like: you look hot. You're sexy. You look fuckable.) The situation isn't perfect but I know in my heart that it is temporary.
So the next few months I am saving my cash so I can move out and get my own place. I am debating. I love the area that I am in (it is close to work) but I miss the days of living in my little apartment in Manchester city center. Manchester city center is 11 miles away from work. I started looking at places around where I used to live and they are cheaper than if I were to live in the same sort of apartment in the area that I am living now! I have 4-6 months to make my mind up.
Work has been going from strength to strength. The job is busy, challenging but I love it. Being in the beauty industry is awesome. I sourced a cute product as an accessory (off my own back) to put in a gift set. The Managing Director showed this product to a celebrity that endorses our product and she loved it!!! That gives me a boost!!! That's why I love my job.
I got sent out to China for a week for work and that was an eye opener. China isn't what you think it would be. The people are humble and hospitable. They want to do everything for you. The food? What you get as Chinese food here in the west is not Chinese food. The food out there is hit or miss. I spent the whole week eating with chopsticks. If you are a vegetarian or a vegan, you wouldn't last an hour out there. Everything is meat based. Some of it made me feel sick. I meanhow can you eat something if it is looking at you or it can taste you. (I got offered ducks tongue....yes, someone thought it was a good idea to cut the tongue off a fucking duck and cook it!!!) It was the best diet I have ever been on: the I cannot eat that because it's looking at me diet. I lost 5 pounds!
Right now I am in a state of limbo. I am going back and forth to St Helens on the weekend to see Simon because I have to take care of my pet Guinea Pigs. If I didn't come back, the guinea pigs wouldn't be cleaned or taken care of. One of them died and I think it is because Simon didn't take care of him properly. I can't move them into my current place (the crazy landlady won't allow it and that is ok. It's her house) and I chose my current place because I had to get out of the situation of being potentially sexually assaulted. As soon as I move into my new place the pigs are coming with me. Plus my post is being delivered here. I want to swap everything over once I get into a more permanent situation and I hope in 4-6 months that will happen.
I also check on Simon to make sure he is ok. I know that I should not give a shit and let him get on with it. But as someone who suffers from mental illness and I have felt suicidal in the past, I just want to make sure he is ok.
The house is often trashed. The only part that isn't dirty is the room I stay in and the guest bathroom (which I use). Simon still spends his day on the couch watching movies and sleeping. He seems to be ok but I feel that there are a lot of unsaid things between us.
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin divorced they went through a process of "conscious uncoupling" and I think that is what is happening now. Simon and I get along great. When I first left, Simon would text often, sometimes 20 times a day. Nothing crazy mostly jokes back and forth. Now he'll text once a day. I'm too busy to even think about it. All I know is that in 4-6 months time when I move to my new place, some serious stuff will be happening. I'll be getting my name off the house and he will be buying me out. It will be a final, definitive break to our love story. I don't know how I feel about it.
Part of me is happy because the last year I have been in limbo. No proper home, floating in this state of flux. Now that I have one certain thing in my life (my job) I feel ready to look to get my own place and put down some roots. I will have the stability that I crave. I am on the up I feel career wise. Plus driving down the M6 during rush hour seriously sucks balls.
The other half of me feels sad. Simon and I had our issues but it wasn't all bad all the time. He still makes me laugh. We still act silly together. I just don't love him or see him in a sexual way any more. There have been times where I have wondered if I had done the right thing. But I look at this trashed house, I look at the sleeping man on the couch with he round angelic face, I sit here on a weekend think about the fact that I used to go out and explore and go out and get into mischief and how in the last 4 years I have turned into an absolute bore. I know that I made the right choice. I just need to start rebuilding my life, my confidence. I need to get me back. I need to get my inner Betty back.
So that is what I am aiming for, to be me again. Maybe I will get a cheeky little apartment in the city center. Maybe I will get into mischief again. Have funny encounters with men, misbehave and make more memories. All I know is that I am taking each day as it comes and slowly I am getting back to the Betty that I was before.
Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
Saturday, 14 April 2018
Sunday, 4 February 2018
On A New Home and Letting Go
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!
It's a frosty morning. I am getting sick of this. I'm wearing my fleecy, furlined sweater with my velour jammies. Yes I am still in my jammies. it's Sunday. I'm 36 years old and I seriously don't give a shit. Sadly, the pervert is blasting his shitty old man music again. i seriousy want to kick him in the balls. He makes me angry.
Well, I viewed some rooms and I chose one. The little bedsit because the mansion was very clinical. The guy showing me around was nice and one of the housemates accompanied him like a little puppy. It felt like if this housemate slipped up or didn't stop smiling, the landlord was going to chop his hands off. Creepy. Plus the stairs didn't have a banister and it was open so there were no walls on either sides of those stairs. The room was nice but I didn't get a good feeling.
The bedsit was in a warm house, unlike this one. It was on the bottom floor. There is a toilet and sink.
The decor? It's hideous. Like really hideous. The landlady? I wouldn't get molested or perved over. It's safe and warm. No street parking. I could park my car on a driveway. It seems nice.
I put my deposit through. And I thought everything was boxed off until yesterday.
I get my nails done at a gorgeous salon in Cheshire. It is owned by my manager's sister. Footballer's wives go there. The Housewives of Cheshire go there. It's a lovely place with silver glitter walls and lovely, chic furnishings.
My manager's sister is lovely. She looks exactly like my manager. They could be twins!! Both are sweet, ridiculously pretty, rich and easy to talk to.
The manager's mother is the cleaner and one day I was discussing with her about my issues with living with the pervert.
Anyway yesterday, I went into the salon to get my weekly re balance of my talons and my manager's sister said, Betty I heard that you are looking for a new place to live?
I said, I was, I found a new room to rent.
She smiled and said, well my husband and own a flat and we are looking for a new tenant. I raised my eyebrows. She told me the monthly cost. It was roughly the same as what I am paying while living with the pervert. It's a 2 bedroom penthouse apartment. It is part furnished (all I would need to buy is a sofa and a bed). It comes with a washing machine and a tumble dryer. It's in a lovely little village in a posh area. She wouldn't want a deposit. Or references.
Now, I am in 2 minds about this.
The houseshare is safe. It's easy and warm.
This is my own space. My own little place. No nosy housemates asking what I am doing, where I am going. I hope to view it this week.
It's funny what life throws at you. It really is.
Because this has now thrown up something that I don't want to face but I have to.
I have to speak to Simon about the house. I am going to have to grow the balls to get my name off the house. But I am going to take legal advice first. If I can get some money from the house, make him buy me out, that would be ideal. I don't know what I am entitled to.
That part is the easy part. It took me almost a year to break up with Simon. The reason why I am treading carefully and I am a bit reluctant to do this is because we are getting along so well. Even better than when we were together.
And if Simon feels he has been wronged, he can become really vindictive and nasty. But this needs to happen.
The other part is closing the door. I have been going down to see him every weekend (for the guinea pigs) and this is the part that I am struggling with.
It's a routine. I am used to doing this. The hardest part is letting go. I need to let go.
This year has a lot of promise and a lot of wonderful things that can and will happen. I need to cut the ties and let go because that is the only way I can move forward.
I don't want to never hear from him again. I want to still talk to him but I want to start to have a life.
So on Thursday night (I have Friday off, I am changing my hair!!) I am going to have to talk to him, present him my findings (I have taken some legal advice previously but I want a final opinion) and I want to get my name off the house and be set free finally.
It's getting the strength to let go. A wise person once said, freedom comes when you learn to let go. So this week, that is what I am going to do.
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes. Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of love,
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx
It's a frosty morning. I am getting sick of this. I'm wearing my fleecy, furlined sweater with my velour jammies. Yes I am still in my jammies. it's Sunday. I'm 36 years old and I seriously don't give a shit. Sadly, the pervert is blasting his shitty old man music again. i seriousy want to kick him in the balls. He makes me angry.
Well, I viewed some rooms and I chose one. The little bedsit because the mansion was very clinical. The guy showing me around was nice and one of the housemates accompanied him like a little puppy. It felt like if this housemate slipped up or didn't stop smiling, the landlord was going to chop his hands off. Creepy. Plus the stairs didn't have a banister and it was open so there were no walls on either sides of those stairs. The room was nice but I didn't get a good feeling.
The bedsit was in a warm house, unlike this one. It was on the bottom floor. There is a toilet and sink.
The decor? It's hideous. Like really hideous. The landlady? I wouldn't get molested or perved over. It's safe and warm. No street parking. I could park my car on a driveway. It seems nice.
I put my deposit through. And I thought everything was boxed off until yesterday.
I get my nails done at a gorgeous salon in Cheshire. It is owned by my manager's sister. Footballer's wives go there. The Housewives of Cheshire go there. It's a lovely place with silver glitter walls and lovely, chic furnishings.
My manager's sister is lovely. She looks exactly like my manager. They could be twins!! Both are sweet, ridiculously pretty, rich and easy to talk to.
The manager's mother is the cleaner and one day I was discussing with her about my issues with living with the pervert.
Anyway yesterday, I went into the salon to get my weekly re balance of my talons and my manager's sister said, Betty I heard that you are looking for a new place to live?
I said, I was, I found a new room to rent.
She smiled and said, well my husband and own a flat and we are looking for a new tenant. I raised my eyebrows. She told me the monthly cost. It was roughly the same as what I am paying while living with the pervert. It's a 2 bedroom penthouse apartment. It is part furnished (all I would need to buy is a sofa and a bed). It comes with a washing machine and a tumble dryer. It's in a lovely little village in a posh area. She wouldn't want a deposit. Or references.
Now, I am in 2 minds about this.
The houseshare is safe. It's easy and warm.
This is my own space. My own little place. No nosy housemates asking what I am doing, where I am going. I hope to view it this week.
It's funny what life throws at you. It really is.
Because this has now thrown up something that I don't want to face but I have to.
I have to speak to Simon about the house. I am going to have to grow the balls to get my name off the house. But I am going to take legal advice first. If I can get some money from the house, make him buy me out, that would be ideal. I don't know what I am entitled to.
That part is the easy part. It took me almost a year to break up with Simon. The reason why I am treading carefully and I am a bit reluctant to do this is because we are getting along so well. Even better than when we were together.
And if Simon feels he has been wronged, he can become really vindictive and nasty. But this needs to happen.
The other part is closing the door. I have been going down to see him every weekend (for the guinea pigs) and this is the part that I am struggling with.
It's a routine. I am used to doing this. The hardest part is letting go. I need to let go.
This year has a lot of promise and a lot of wonderful things that can and will happen. I need to cut the ties and let go because that is the only way I can move forward.
I don't want to never hear from him again. I want to still talk to him but I want to start to have a life.
So on Thursday night (I have Friday off, I am changing my hair!!) I am going to have to talk to him, present him my findings (I have taken some legal advice previously but I want a final opinion) and I want to get my name off the house and be set free finally.
It's getting the strength to let go. A wise person once said, freedom comes when you learn to let go. So this week, that is what I am going to do.
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes. Keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of love,
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxx
Sunday, 21 January 2018
On Movin' on Up
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!
It's a cold day here in south Manchester. Brrr!!! We had snow today so I am wrapped up in a fur lined fleece and a pair of pajama bottoms.
Well we are well and truly into 2018 now. I have wanted to write for ages so but I had so many ideas swirling around.
Well last night I realised that I need to get out of the self pity mode. I took a look around and realised that I can definitely do better with my life at this point.
I don't have enough money to get my own place yet. But last night when I was meditating, my housemate who I have dubbed "Chester the Molester" (because he tried it on with me) decided to crank his music up full blast at 10pm.
I don't have an issue with music but I don't like his music. And I was meditating. When you share a home with someone you need to be respectful. I have house shared before. You respect each other. Even when I have lived in houses where the owner of the house was a house mate you have respect for each other. Plus none of the people I lived with tried it on with me.
That was the moment that I realised that I can do better.
So I started looking for new house shares. I found 5 that fit the bill. And that are cheaper because Chester the Molester decided to not specify that the bills were not included. So I am paying more that I thought I would. Not nice!!
When I moved in he seemed ok. Now, he is a terror. Ever since that night when he tried to put his hands up my shirt and kiss me, he has been relentless and irritating.
He bothers me. For example during the weekend I tend to keep myself to my self. I stay in my room and read, write and do what I need to do. Every 5 minutes he bangs on the door, Betty do you want to go out for a walk. Betty, do you want something to eat. Betty, come see this (and usually it is something that is stupid or unimportant). He doesn't listen.
Last night for example I got in after getting my hair blow dried and my nails done, I came in and told him that I was busy and I did't want to be disturbed as I was working.
What does he do? Knocks on the door. Betty, I'm going out for dinner do you want to come with me. I respond no. He then continues to push. I'm going for a curry. I reply No, I have work to do. He pushes again. Betty I will be all by myself. I responded then enjoy yourself. I shut the door then.
That was a mild exchange. Usually he is whinier and pushier. The guy doesn't understand no. I wonder if any female lodgers had to deal with the same crap of being pushed, bullied and whined at....I wonder if he has tried it on with other women before or tried to force himself on people.
Also the house is cold. Very cold. Even if you put the heating on it's freezing. I constantly wear fleeces, also to cover myself up. I don't want him to see me or to be molested again.
I feel like I need to put a huge lock on the door. I genuinely feel like if he has too much to drink one night he will force his way into my room and try to molest me. I don't trust him.
So on Tuesday night I am viewing 2 house shares. One is a "bedsit". The room looks like a hotel room. It has a patio door that opens out into the garden. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than here and in the same area. Not too bad.
The second one is the favorite. It's in an actual mansion. A 7 bedroomed mansion. It's L shaped and the room I am looking at is secluded. The room next to it is occupied by a pilot who is out a lot. We'd be sharing that bathroom. The house as a room with a pool table. The kitchen looks gorgeous. There is a huge back garden. And it's still cheaper than what I pay here. And the bills are definitely included. (I've asked and had written confirmation)
So I am viewing those 2 on Tuesday. Luckily for me pay day is on the Wednesday so I can sleep on it and if I like either of them I will be transferring a deposit. And I can give me notice to Chester the Molester and get out of this situation once and for all. Block him completely and get ready to start saving my cash.
I have a few financial goals for this year. Firstly, save as much money as possible. I want to get my own place, like buy my own place.
Not a huge silly house like in Simon and I did. But a cute, quirky apartment. I found a few.
So I am ready now to let go and be happy. I passed my probation at work. They like me so I am more determined to get the life that I have always dreamed of as they reward hard work and loyalty.
So Ragers and Ragettes, it's time to start Movin' on Up!! Second best is no longer allowed. Mediocrity is no longer the status quo.
Who knows, this time next week I might have secured a place in a mansion.....
So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep you head and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx
It's a cold day here in south Manchester. Brrr!!! We had snow today so I am wrapped up in a fur lined fleece and a pair of pajama bottoms.
Well we are well and truly into 2018 now. I have wanted to write for ages so but I had so many ideas swirling around.
Well last night I realised that I need to get out of the self pity mode. I took a look around and realised that I can definitely do better with my life at this point.
I don't have enough money to get my own place yet. But last night when I was meditating, my housemate who I have dubbed "Chester the Molester" (because he tried it on with me) decided to crank his music up full blast at 10pm.
I don't have an issue with music but I don't like his music. And I was meditating. When you share a home with someone you need to be respectful. I have house shared before. You respect each other. Even when I have lived in houses where the owner of the house was a house mate you have respect for each other. Plus none of the people I lived with tried it on with me.
That was the moment that I realised that I can do better.
So I started looking for new house shares. I found 5 that fit the bill. And that are cheaper because Chester the Molester decided to not specify that the bills were not included. So I am paying more that I thought I would. Not nice!!
When I moved in he seemed ok. Now, he is a terror. Ever since that night when he tried to put his hands up my shirt and kiss me, he has been relentless and irritating.
He bothers me. For example during the weekend I tend to keep myself to my self. I stay in my room and read, write and do what I need to do. Every 5 minutes he bangs on the door, Betty do you want to go out for a walk. Betty, do you want something to eat. Betty, come see this (and usually it is something that is stupid or unimportant). He doesn't listen.
Last night for example I got in after getting my hair blow dried and my nails done, I came in and told him that I was busy and I did't want to be disturbed as I was working.
What does he do? Knocks on the door. Betty, I'm going out for dinner do you want to come with me. I respond no. He then continues to push. I'm going for a curry. I reply No, I have work to do. He pushes again. Betty I will be all by myself. I responded then enjoy yourself. I shut the door then.
That was a mild exchange. Usually he is whinier and pushier. The guy doesn't understand no. I wonder if any female lodgers had to deal with the same crap of being pushed, bullied and whined at....I wonder if he has tried it on with other women before or tried to force himself on people.
Also the house is cold. Very cold. Even if you put the heating on it's freezing. I constantly wear fleeces, also to cover myself up. I don't want him to see me or to be molested again.
I feel like I need to put a huge lock on the door. I genuinely feel like if he has too much to drink one night he will force his way into my room and try to molest me. I don't trust him.
So on Tuesday night I am viewing 2 house shares. One is a "bedsit". The room looks like a hotel room. It has a patio door that opens out into the garden. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than here and in the same area. Not too bad.
The second one is the favorite. It's in an actual mansion. A 7 bedroomed mansion. It's L shaped and the room I am looking at is secluded. The room next to it is occupied by a pilot who is out a lot. We'd be sharing that bathroom. The house as a room with a pool table. The kitchen looks gorgeous. There is a huge back garden. And it's still cheaper than what I pay here. And the bills are definitely included. (I've asked and had written confirmation)
So I am viewing those 2 on Tuesday. Luckily for me pay day is on the Wednesday so I can sleep on it and if I like either of them I will be transferring a deposit. And I can give me notice to Chester the Molester and get out of this situation once and for all. Block him completely and get ready to start saving my cash.
I have a few financial goals for this year. Firstly, save as much money as possible. I want to get my own place, like buy my own place.
Not a huge silly house like in Simon and I did. But a cute, quirky apartment. I found a few.
So I am ready now to let go and be happy. I passed my probation at work. They like me so I am more determined to get the life that I have always dreamed of as they reward hard work and loyalty.
So Ragers and Ragettes, it's time to start Movin' on Up!! Second best is no longer allowed. Mediocrity is no longer the status quo.
Who knows, this time next week I might have secured a place in a mansion.....
So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep you head and standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx
Sunday, 24 December 2017
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...
Here I am Ragers and Ragettes, in my childhood bedroom. Listening to the Beatles surrounded by photos of me, my sister and my family.
The carpet has changed from cornflower blue to cream. My writing desk from when I was a little girl is gone too (which is sad. My Italian granddad sanded, varnished and customized it for me.) replaced by a smaller one.
A photo of me when I was 2 years old, blonde with a cheeky smile is staring down at me.
So much has changed. My homeland has changed. Even in the last 12 months.
And as you all know, the last 12 months for me...well, there you go.
Being away has been good for me. I spent $500 in Sephora (I had too! It's makeup!!!!!!!! Give a girl a break!!!! And Fenty Beauty Stunna and Gloss bomb, I totally recommend!!) on new foundation and other bits. Yes, I love, love make up.
I met up with a friend of mine for our yearly catch up. She is autistic and works with animals. I like meeting up with her because there is no drama. Yesterday it was different as she was quiet. She had a hard year too. She's on medication and the medication stopped working. She looked like a shell of what she usually is. I hugged her and told her that it was going to be ok. I am here for her always.
It has been hard this time around. Not because of the last 3 months but because mama Rage isn't well. Mama Rage is now officially disabled. The bones in her feet are mashed up. She is in constant pain. She can't walk unaided. She has a walker for upstairs and a cane for down stairs. Even when she uses the cane she struggles, badly. She winces because of the pain.
We went to Macy's and I had to push her around in a wheelchair. I laughed and joked about it but my heart was breaking. So to take my mind off of this, I did the one thing that made me happy. I wheeled her around Macy's and we looked at fashion.
My grandma (mama's mom) used to be a seamstress to very wealthy people in the old country. Mama used to model her designs and other designers creations. So fashion is in my blood.
We looked at blouses, skirts and found that we have a lot in common in regards to fashion and style. We both like the vintage 1950's designs. The structured blouses, blazers, pencil skirts (I found 2 Versace inspired pencil skirts that I need to go back and get!!) brooches and red lippy. Yes, I am truly my Mama's daughter. (I really wish Suzanne was with us!!!!!!)
But that worries me. You see, her condition is genetic (osteoporosis and osteoarthritis) and if I don't get control of my eating and my life that could be me. At the age of 69 being wheeled around.
So the pity party is now over. Yes, Simon and I have broken up. Yes, I moved out. Yes I have an awesome new job.
Time to pull my head out of my ass and look forwards, not back.
As I look at photos of my teenage self, eyes full of hope, I can't let her down. I need to take control of my eating and my exercise. I have been drinking a lot recently and that worries me. I have slowed it down a lot since I have been out here.
Seeing Mama Rage in the state she is in has scared me shitless. I have to make changes. I have to.
So today I am taking control back. Today I am fighting for my life. My future. My happiness.
So on this night before Christmas, I am going into the big day determined to be the best that I can be. To fight to take care of my body and my mental health. To treat my body like a temple. To learn from my mother's mistakes. To not have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also surrounding myself with good people. People like Suzanne.
So tonight, Ragers and Ragettes, look to the future with hope. Don't be sad. If you are religious, the hope of Christmas day, the story is a promise of a new beginning. A new way of doing things.
If you are not religious, Christmas does have a magical feel to it. I know a lot of people say that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people too. This Christmas I hope that we can be kind, loving, patient, understanding and let the magic of the day fill our hearts with love.
So to new starts, a hopeful future and love to you all, Ragers and Ragettes. Thank you for reading my posts and supporting me. I love you all.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I wish you all a fabulously amazing 2018
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
Here I am Ragers and Ragettes, in my childhood bedroom. Listening to the Beatles surrounded by photos of me, my sister and my family.
The carpet has changed from cornflower blue to cream. My writing desk from when I was a little girl is gone too (which is sad. My Italian granddad sanded, varnished and customized it for me.) replaced by a smaller one.
A photo of me when I was 2 years old, blonde with a cheeky smile is staring down at me.
So much has changed. My homeland has changed. Even in the last 12 months.
And as you all know, the last 12 months for me...well, there you go.
Being away has been good for me. I spent $500 in Sephora (I had too! It's makeup!!!!!!!! Give a girl a break!!!! And Fenty Beauty Stunna and Gloss bomb, I totally recommend!!) on new foundation and other bits. Yes, I love, love make up.
I met up with a friend of mine for our yearly catch up. She is autistic and works with animals. I like meeting up with her because there is no drama. Yesterday it was different as she was quiet. She had a hard year too. She's on medication and the medication stopped working. She looked like a shell of what she usually is. I hugged her and told her that it was going to be ok. I am here for her always.
It has been hard this time around. Not because of the last 3 months but because mama Rage isn't well. Mama Rage is now officially disabled. The bones in her feet are mashed up. She is in constant pain. She can't walk unaided. She has a walker for upstairs and a cane for down stairs. Even when she uses the cane she struggles, badly. She winces because of the pain.
We went to Macy's and I had to push her around in a wheelchair. I laughed and joked about it but my heart was breaking. So to take my mind off of this, I did the one thing that made me happy. I wheeled her around Macy's and we looked at fashion.
My grandma (mama's mom) used to be a seamstress to very wealthy people in the old country. Mama used to model her designs and other designers creations. So fashion is in my blood.
We looked at blouses, skirts and found that we have a lot in common in regards to fashion and style. We both like the vintage 1950's designs. The structured blouses, blazers, pencil skirts (I found 2 Versace inspired pencil skirts that I need to go back and get!!) brooches and red lippy. Yes, I am truly my Mama's daughter. (I really wish Suzanne was with us!!!!!!)
But that worries me. You see, her condition is genetic (osteoporosis and osteoarthritis) and if I don't get control of my eating and my life that could be me. At the age of 69 being wheeled around.
So the pity party is now over. Yes, Simon and I have broken up. Yes, I moved out. Yes I have an awesome new job.
Time to pull my head out of my ass and look forwards, not back.
As I look at photos of my teenage self, eyes full of hope, I can't let her down. I need to take control of my eating and my exercise. I have been drinking a lot recently and that worries me. I have slowed it down a lot since I have been out here.
Seeing Mama Rage in the state she is in has scared me shitless. I have to make changes. I have to.
So today I am taking control back. Today I am fighting for my life. My future. My happiness.
So on this night before Christmas, I am going into the big day determined to be the best that I can be. To fight to take care of my body and my mental health. To treat my body like a temple. To learn from my mother's mistakes. To not have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also surrounding myself with good people. People like Suzanne.
So tonight, Ragers and Ragettes, look to the future with hope. Don't be sad. If you are religious, the hope of Christmas day, the story is a promise of a new beginning. A new way of doing things.
If you are not religious, Christmas does have a magical feel to it. I know a lot of people say that it brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the best in people too. This Christmas I hope that we can be kind, loving, patient, understanding and let the magic of the day fill our hearts with love.
So to new starts, a hopeful future and love to you all, Ragers and Ragettes. Thank you for reading my posts and supporting me. I love you all.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and I wish you all a fabulously amazing 2018
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx
Monday, 18 December 2017
On Surviving
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!
One week until Christmas. Can you believe it? It's chilly here in Manchester. Brrrrrr!!! I'm wearing my jogging bottoms and hoodie. My housemate's house isn't the warmest. It's an older home. He has 2 fireplaces and even with them both on and the central heating, it's not warm at all!!!
But this situation is very much temporary. Save my cash so I can get my own place. That is the plan!!
Well, work is going from strength to strength. For the first time in my whole career I have been treated like an actual manager!! They listen to me. I place my orders and they trust me. Last Thursday I spoke to the Commercial director and he said my probation is a formality. They want me to stay on permanently. They also want to send me to China for a week to see how the product is made and such. And it's actually going to happen. They are securing my Visa after the Christmas break. I should be going over in March.
I actually love my job. I can see myself staying here, in the company and this area for a long while. It's very posh here. I feel like a scruff most days. But the village is quaint and cute.
My housemate has't tried anything funny recently. I do give him the goddess eyebrow a lot so I think that he has taken my resting bitch face as a do not even think about it you pervert sign. Which is fine with me.
Right now, I am surviving, Jan has now left the UK for good and I know that I will never hear from him again. How does that make me feel? I don't know.
I feel empty. Sad. I have so much to be happy about but right now I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream. I want to cry until I puke. I want to see him one more time. I want to take is hand and tell him that I miss him. I want him to touch my face again and tell me that I am his princess. I want to hit him, kick him, kiss, him, fuck him, scream at him, cry in his arms. I want him to hold me and tell me that it will be ok.
I know it will be ok. I know it will. But getting to that point will take time.
The weekend before last I went to a spa weekend with my friend and her brat of a daughter. There I was on Saturday morning waiting for my pedicure. Simon messaged me (he has messaged me loads since I left. It's ok we are keeping it civil and we are getting along better now than we were when we were together) and I burst into tears. My heart actually hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe. There I was in my bathrobe, no pants on in this heavenly spa just crying. When the beauty therapist came out she had her plastered on smile and she kept asking, with that same fake smile, if I wanted her to stop the pedicure. I ended up spilling everything to her.
Her fake smile faded and I found a kindred spirit. The week before she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. They have a child together and in fairness her boyfriend was being a fuckwit. He was acting irresponsibly. She also found some photos on his phone (he apparently was one of these sick bastards that likes to take photos up women's skirts) and she called it a day. (and rightly so!!!) She was stronger than I was. I was blubbing like a baby. But it felt good.
I haven't really been able to talk about this with many people. I spoke to Suzanne but I feel like a shithead for doing that. She has so much on her plate now. I bet she wants to punch me and tell me to get the fuck over it. I'm trying, I really am, Suzanne.
The truth of the matter is that I feel like total shit. I feel like I am a zombie who is just surviving day to day.
I laugh at the right time, I smile at the right time. I compliment at the right time. Inside I am being shredded to pieces.
My work husband has picked up on this. He's been lovely. He's been trying to make me laugh. He gives me hugs. He says I am here if you need to talk. I've said it once and I will say it again, when I get the strength to get out and date again, I pray that I get someone like him. Him and Suzanne have helped me so much.
So here I am. In 2 days I fly back to my homeland to face my Italian Mama with her snarky comments and opinions on my life. "Why are you always tattooing yourself? Stop getting piercings. When are you going to get married? Simon was such a nice guy why didn't you over look his bad points? (she actually said that once about an ex of mine that couldn't keep his dick in his pants) And my personal favorite, "Betty, have you had surgery, your boobs look bigger than last time." Mothers....
I am not looking forward to this but in some ways I need the hug from my crazy mama. Her craziness is maybe what I need now to get through this.
Roll on 2018. I cannot wait to leave this shit year behind and move on
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
One week until Christmas. Can you believe it? It's chilly here in Manchester. Brrrrrr!!! I'm wearing my jogging bottoms and hoodie. My housemate's house isn't the warmest. It's an older home. He has 2 fireplaces and even with them both on and the central heating, it's not warm at all!!!
But this situation is very much temporary. Save my cash so I can get my own place. That is the plan!!
Well, work is going from strength to strength. For the first time in my whole career I have been treated like an actual manager!! They listen to me. I place my orders and they trust me. Last Thursday I spoke to the Commercial director and he said my probation is a formality. They want me to stay on permanently. They also want to send me to China for a week to see how the product is made and such. And it's actually going to happen. They are securing my Visa after the Christmas break. I should be going over in March.
I actually love my job. I can see myself staying here, in the company and this area for a long while. It's very posh here. I feel like a scruff most days. But the village is quaint and cute.
My housemate has't tried anything funny recently. I do give him the goddess eyebrow a lot so I think that he has taken my resting bitch face as a do not even think about it you pervert sign. Which is fine with me.
Right now, I am surviving, Jan has now left the UK for good and I know that I will never hear from him again. How does that make me feel? I don't know.
I feel empty. Sad. I have so much to be happy about but right now I want to cry and stomp my feet and scream. I want to cry until I puke. I want to see him one more time. I want to take is hand and tell him that I miss him. I want him to touch my face again and tell me that I am his princess. I want to hit him, kick him, kiss, him, fuck him, scream at him, cry in his arms. I want him to hold me and tell me that it will be ok.
I know it will be ok. I know it will. But getting to that point will take time.
The weekend before last I went to a spa weekend with my friend and her brat of a daughter. There I was on Saturday morning waiting for my pedicure. Simon messaged me (he has messaged me loads since I left. It's ok we are keeping it civil and we are getting along better now than we were when we were together) and I burst into tears. My heart actually hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe. There I was in my bathrobe, no pants on in this heavenly spa just crying. When the beauty therapist came out she had her plastered on smile and she kept asking, with that same fake smile, if I wanted her to stop the pedicure. I ended up spilling everything to her.
Her fake smile faded and I found a kindred spirit. The week before she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. They have a child together and in fairness her boyfriend was being a fuckwit. He was acting irresponsibly. She also found some photos on his phone (he apparently was one of these sick bastards that likes to take photos up women's skirts) and she called it a day. (and rightly so!!!) She was stronger than I was. I was blubbing like a baby. But it felt good.
I haven't really been able to talk about this with many people. I spoke to Suzanne but I feel like a shithead for doing that. She has so much on her plate now. I bet she wants to punch me and tell me to get the fuck over it. I'm trying, I really am, Suzanne.
The truth of the matter is that I feel like total shit. I feel like I am a zombie who is just surviving day to day.
I laugh at the right time, I smile at the right time. I compliment at the right time. Inside I am being shredded to pieces.
My work husband has picked up on this. He's been lovely. He's been trying to make me laugh. He gives me hugs. He says I am here if you need to talk. I've said it once and I will say it again, when I get the strength to get out and date again, I pray that I get someone like him. Him and Suzanne have helped me so much.
So here I am. In 2 days I fly back to my homeland to face my Italian Mama with her snarky comments and opinions on my life. "Why are you always tattooing yourself? Stop getting piercings. When are you going to get married? Simon was such a nice guy why didn't you over look his bad points? (she actually said that once about an ex of mine that couldn't keep his dick in his pants) And my personal favorite, "Betty, have you had surgery, your boobs look bigger than last time." Mothers....
I am not looking forward to this but in some ways I need the hug from my crazy mama. Her craziness is maybe what I need now to get through this.
Roll on 2018. I cannot wait to leave this shit year behind and move on
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
Sunday, 3 December 2017
On Christmas Tree Decorating
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!
Today is a cool day here in south Manchester. Today I decided to go and see Suzanne to help her put her Christmas tree up.
My new dress was delivered yesterday so I wore that (a cream colored Bardot style sweater dress)n teamed with my knee high tan block heeled boots, gold hoops and gold rings. I think I looked ok!
I got to Suzanne's and her house looked like Christmas came early!! Festive wreaths, ribbons, glitter, it was magical!! Suzanne loves Christmas. When I took her to the Christmas market last week, her eyes lit up like a child's. Her smile (which lights a room up anyway) was the biggest I ever saw!! She looked so happy!!!!
I sat down and we talked. She showed me all her decorations for the tree. As we were chatting a huge wave of sadness washed over me. The tears started to flow.
I spilled everything and I mean everything out to Suzanne. The feelings of guilt, sadness and fear. My tears flowed, my words just came tumbling out. Suzanne listened. She let me spill all my fears, feelings and all the pent up emotions. It was cathartic.
After I spilled my feelings out, she calmly said, it's going to get better, Betty. She took my hand and said it's going to get better. It's ok to feel how you feel.
She soothed my mind and I felt so much better. She held me and gave me the hug I have needed for the last 2 months.
Everything has been getting to me. Recently it has been Simon. You see, I keep saying it, but Simon's business is on borrowed time. Next year, he is going to most likely lose it all. And I feel guilty. I don't want him to fail or his business to fail. I'd never wish failure on anyone.
I feel helpless as I wish that there was a way I could help him out. Suzanne said, I had bailed him out so many times while he put his head in the ground. She's right. I don't know what else I can do but pray.
I am struggling with everything right now. Plus my pervy housemate keeps trying to hug me. So I am even more determined to get out of this house. I'm saving every penny I can!!
I know that things now are not the best and as I said to Suzanne, I know that this time next year things will be 100% better. I will be in a new house. My career will be going from strength to strength and I will be stronger mentally. It's just getting to that point.
Suzanne has been the only person who has actually listened to me. Who hasn't bullied me, brow beaten me, or made me feel inadequate. She hasn't spat out platitudes. She's been sincere and what I need now.
After I stopped crying we started to decorate the tree. Christmas music playing in the background, laughing and joking with Suzanne, it was like the last 2 months hadn't happened.
We put the lights up first (4 sets! 2 colored, 2 white and one of each were blinking lights) and then we put a beautiful green and red ribbon around the tree. I had never used a ribbon as a garland before!! Then we started decorating the tree. Colorful baubles, icicle shaped ornaments, candy canes, the tree started looking colorful and cheery!!
Then Suzanne put the last 3 ornaments which were so special and precious to her. She stepped back and turned the lights in the room off. The tree shone proudly. Suzanne got teary and so did I!! For a few minutes there was magic in my life again. I hugged Suzanne and told her how much I love her and that I am so grateful for her. I didn't want that moment to end...ever.
So here I am in my room. My candles on, music playing. Smiling as I think back to this day.
It has truly been a bright spot in a time of darkness for me. I will get through this.
I will come out stronger. This is a blip and it won't last forever. I know it won't. So I'll treasure perfect days like today. Because in this cold world, there is always Suzanne.
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
Today is a cool day here in south Manchester. Today I decided to go and see Suzanne to help her put her Christmas tree up.
My new dress was delivered yesterday so I wore that (a cream colored Bardot style sweater dress)n teamed with my knee high tan block heeled boots, gold hoops and gold rings. I think I looked ok!
I got to Suzanne's and her house looked like Christmas came early!! Festive wreaths, ribbons, glitter, it was magical!! Suzanne loves Christmas. When I took her to the Christmas market last week, her eyes lit up like a child's. Her smile (which lights a room up anyway) was the biggest I ever saw!! She looked so happy!!!!
I sat down and we talked. She showed me all her decorations for the tree. As we were chatting a huge wave of sadness washed over me. The tears started to flow.
I spilled everything and I mean everything out to Suzanne. The feelings of guilt, sadness and fear. My tears flowed, my words just came tumbling out. Suzanne listened. She let me spill all my fears, feelings and all the pent up emotions. It was cathartic.
After I spilled my feelings out, she calmly said, it's going to get better, Betty. She took my hand and said it's going to get better. It's ok to feel how you feel.
She soothed my mind and I felt so much better. She held me and gave me the hug I have needed for the last 2 months.
Everything has been getting to me. Recently it has been Simon. You see, I keep saying it, but Simon's business is on borrowed time. Next year, he is going to most likely lose it all. And I feel guilty. I don't want him to fail or his business to fail. I'd never wish failure on anyone.
I feel helpless as I wish that there was a way I could help him out. Suzanne said, I had bailed him out so many times while he put his head in the ground. She's right. I don't know what else I can do but pray.
I am struggling with everything right now. Plus my pervy housemate keeps trying to hug me. So I am even more determined to get out of this house. I'm saving every penny I can!!
I know that things now are not the best and as I said to Suzanne, I know that this time next year things will be 100% better. I will be in a new house. My career will be going from strength to strength and I will be stronger mentally. It's just getting to that point.
Suzanne has been the only person who has actually listened to me. Who hasn't bullied me, brow beaten me, or made me feel inadequate. She hasn't spat out platitudes. She's been sincere and what I need now.
After I stopped crying we started to decorate the tree. Christmas music playing in the background, laughing and joking with Suzanne, it was like the last 2 months hadn't happened.
We put the lights up first (4 sets! 2 colored, 2 white and one of each were blinking lights) and then we put a beautiful green and red ribbon around the tree. I had never used a ribbon as a garland before!! Then we started decorating the tree. Colorful baubles, icicle shaped ornaments, candy canes, the tree started looking colorful and cheery!!
Then Suzanne put the last 3 ornaments which were so special and precious to her. She stepped back and turned the lights in the room off. The tree shone proudly. Suzanne got teary and so did I!! For a few minutes there was magic in my life again. I hugged Suzanne and told her how much I love her and that I am so grateful for her. I didn't want that moment to end...ever.
So here I am in my room. My candles on, music playing. Smiling as I think back to this day.
It has truly been a bright spot in a time of darkness for me. I will get through this.
I will come out stronger. This is a blip and it won't last forever. I know it won't. So I'll treasure perfect days like today. Because in this cold world, there is always Suzanne.
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher
Lots of love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
Friday, 1 December 2017
On Post Break Up Feelings
Hey Ragers and Ragettes!
It’s a cold Friday here in South Manchester. Today I am wearing my sparkly red belted
sweater with my bootcut jeans (which feel rather loose, my belt has gone to the
next notch up), my cowboy boots and my red matte lippy firmly in place.
I have wanted to write about a lot of things recently. A lot has happened. But there are a lot of issues going on in my
head.
Breaking up as the hardest thing I have ever done. Moving house and starting a new job thrown on
top? Yeah, I appear calm on the surface
but deep down inside I am a glorified mess.
My appetite is gone (great for the waistline!), I’m tired
and I burst into tears for no reason at any time. Great.
You see, in my head, I thought that I would just get up,
leave, and forget. My life would all of
sudden become so much better.
Wrong.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in a better place in my
career. I love my job. I really love it! I have never felt so satisfied in a job
before!!! My new place to live is odd
but it is 2 miles from work, it is temporary and thank fuck I have a lock on
the door because I think my housemate might be a pervy sort of bloke, more
about that later.
It’s the nothingness I feel that I think that is getting to
me. Last Friday Suzanne and I went to
the Christmas market and had a great time.
And on that day I got chatted up by 2 men!!! One who was younger than me and one that is
covered in tattoos and has a crow tattooed on his face. Nice.
And you know, usually I wold have been like, wow, people find me
attractive.
But I just don’t give a shit. My libido is gone. Completely.
(Which isn’t like me). And it’s
been ages since I last had sex, I don’t even remember how it feels
anymore. The thought of anyone touching
me sexually right now makes me feel physically sick.
I think the worst bit of this all is that I don’t know if I am
doing this right. I am feeling a lot of
bad feelings. I had a horrible thought
about 10 minutes ago of just ending it.
I don’t know what brought that thought on. So I did the only thing that I could. I bought myself a cute sweater dress online
just so I could have something to look forward to.
I feel a lot of anxiety.
I feel displaced. I feel like I
don’t have a home. I have the house and
the new place where I am living now. But
they don’t feel permanent.
I know that things will get better. I know that it is darkest before dawn and all
that sentimental shit. I get it. But I want to have a huge cry. I want to have a meltdown of toddler proportions. You know, stomp my feet, scream, throw
things, break dishes, just release it.
I feel bad about talking to people about it. I mean people have their own shit to deal
with. Right? Why should they take on my shit too? I have always gotten through things by
myself. This time, I am struggling. Like really struggling.
And to make matters worse, I heard from Jan. He is moving back to Denmark. When I got that news, I was in Manchester
waiting for Suzanne last Friday. I
jumped into the nearest pub and bought 2 shots of vodka and a pint. I downed both shots and drank my pint so
quickly.
You see, I always thought that one day he’d come for me on
his white horse wearing a white button up shirt undone exposing his strong
chest. He’d lift me up on the horse and
we would live happily ever after in Copenhagen in our stylish minimalistic
house. We’d both cycle to work, wear
matching sweaters, drink wine, go out with our stylish friends…but I was
obviously deluded.
He is leaving and my heart broke again. I know that this is the best thing. This chapter has to close once and for
all. But I am hurting. I’m hurting bad. I feel shell shocked.
The men that are currently in my life are
disappointments. I have Simon (we still
talk most days as friends) who to this day I have to still remind to do things
(yes I should let go of that). He still
makes me laugh. But the girl that is
working in the office with him I think has started to make a move on him even
though she has a boyfriend.
I started getting messages about me coming back to the house
and what days are best because she is taking him out to dinner and she is doing
this, that and the other with him. And
yes, you read that right. SHE HAS A
BOYFRIEND. She does this though to her girlfriends. She’ll be inappropriate with other their
partners, most of the time in front of her boyfriend. I don’t give a shit because Simon and I are
both single now. He can fuck who he
wants. I guess that I am angry because
her boyfriend is a friend of mine. He’s
a genuinely lovely man and deserves the best.
She doesn’t deserve him at all.
Then there is my housemate who last Saturday tried to shove
his tongue down my throat and put his hands up my top. I stopped that straight away. Ever since then he has been super nice. Last night he hugged me a bit too tight
though. Thank God there is a lock on my
bedroom door.
But then there is my work husband. He seems to be the most dependable. Yes, he has a girlfriend and he takes care of
her 2 children as his own. He keeps fit,
cycles to work every day, and he’s building a bar in his garden. (I’ve been helping him with décor ideas) He loves football, music and has a positive
attitude. He’s a lovely guy. He’s hugged me a few times. And in those few moments, I felt like some of
the pieces have clicked back together. Now
I don’t think I have feelings for him. He
is just a friend. And that’s how I want
it to stay. I’ve learned from my
mistakes. No fucking workmates. And he is a colleague that I have to work the
closest with. We work in the same
office, just the 2 of us. We take care
of each other by making sure that we are drinking enough water and in the
insanely busy moments we are ok. And he
has a girlfriend so he is totally off limits.
I hope though in time that when I do get back out there and
this veil of darkness that is over my head lifts, maybe just maybe I’ll find
someone as wonderful as my work husband.
I don’t know. All I
know is that this feeling sucks. I wish
I could pack it up in a box and send it to Abu Dhabi. I don’t want to feel yucky anymore. And no matter how many platitudes I get, and
all the “you’ll be ok, you’re strong”, and “you won’t be single long”, and my
personal favorite, “You need to go out and dance and get drunk!” Firstly I hate dancing unless it is my house
to ELO (damn you ELO for making such catchy songs!!!) mostly in my undies and
secondly surely I know what is best for me?
Just a thought! I feel like no
one really understands how I feel. And
the worst bit I feel that nobody cares. I’m
tired of coming across as the Teflon woman.
For once I want to be vulnerable, scared and I want to be able to cry
and cry and not get preached at.
But I know that these feelings and my place of residence are
all temporary. So I am just taking it
one day at a time. That’s all I can
do. Great times are ahead. I know it.
Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn. But when the dawn breaks, wow! What a gorgeous sight it truly is!!!
Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and
standards high and your heels even higher.
Lots of Love
The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx
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