On Christmas Tree Decorating

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!

Today is a cool day here in south Manchester.  Today I decided to go and see Suzanne to help her put her Christmas tree up.

My new dress was delivered yesterday so I wore that (a cream colored Bardot style sweater dress)n teamed with my knee high tan block heeled boots, gold hoops and gold rings.  I think I looked ok!

I got to Suzanne's and her house looked like Christmas came early!!  Festive wreaths, ribbons, glitter, it was magical!!  Suzanne loves Christmas.  When I took her to the Christmas market last week, her eyes lit up like a child's.  Her smile (which lights a room up anyway) was the biggest I ever saw!!  She looked so happy!!!!

I sat down and we talked.  She showed me all her decorations for the tree.  As we were chatting a huge wave of sadness washed over me.  The tears started to flow.

I spilled everything and I mean everything out to Suzanne.  The feelings of guilt, sadness and fear.  My tears flowed, my words just came tumbling out.  Suzanne listened.  She let me spill all my fears, feelings and all the pent up emotions.  It was cathartic.

After I spilled my feelings out, she calmly said, it's going to get better, Betty.  She took my hand and said it's going to get better.  It's ok to feel how you feel. 

She soothed my mind and I felt so much better.  She held me and gave me the hug I have needed for the last 2 months. 

Everything has been getting to me.  Recently it has been Simon.  You see, I keep saying it, but Simon's business is on borrowed time.  Next year, he is going to most likely lose it all.  And I feel guilty.  I don't want him to fail or his business to fail.  I'd never wish failure on anyone.

I feel helpless as I wish that there was a way I could help him out.  Suzanne said, I had bailed him out so many times while he put his head in the ground.  She's right.  I don't know what else I can do but pray.

I am struggling with everything right now.  Plus my pervy housemate keeps trying to hug me.  So I am even more determined to get out of this house.  I'm saving every penny I can!!

I know that things now are not the best and as I said to Suzanne, I know that this time next year things will be 100% better.  I will be in a new house.  My career will be going from strength to strength and I will be stronger mentally.  It's just getting to that point.

Suzanne has been the only person who has actually listened to me.  Who hasn't bullied me, brow beaten me, or made me feel inadequate.  She hasn't spat out platitudes.  She's been sincere and what I need now.

After I stopped crying we started to decorate the tree.  Christmas music playing in the background, laughing and joking with Suzanne, it was like the last 2 months hadn't happened. 

We put the lights up first (4 sets!  2 colored, 2 white and one of each were blinking lights) and then we put a beautiful green and red ribbon around the tree.  I had never used a ribbon as a garland before!!  Then we started decorating the tree.  Colorful baubles, icicle shaped ornaments, candy canes, the tree started looking colorful and cheery!!

Then Suzanne put the last 3 ornaments which were so special and precious to her.  She stepped back and turned the lights in the room off.  The tree shone proudly.  Suzanne got teary and so did I!!  For a few minutes there was magic in my life again.  I hugged Suzanne and told her how much I love her and that I am so grateful for her.  I didn't want that moment to end...ever.

So here I am in my room.  My candles on, music playing.  Smiling as I think back to this day. 

It has truly been a bright spot in a time of darkness for me.  I will get through this.

I will come out stronger.  This is a blip and it won't last forever.  I know it won't.  So I'll treasure perfect days like today.   Because in this cold world, there is always Suzanne.

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

On Post Break Up Feelings

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a cold Friday here in South Manchester.  Today I am wearing my sparkly red belted sweater with my bootcut jeans (which feel rather loose, my belt has gone to the next notch up), my cowboy boots and my red matte lippy firmly in place.

 

I have wanted to write about a lot of things recently.  A lot has happened.  But there are a lot of issues going on in my head.

 

Breaking up as the hardest thing I have ever done.  Moving house and starting a new job thrown on top?  Yeah, I appear calm on the surface but deep down inside I am a glorified mess.

 

My appetite is gone (great for the waistline!), I’m tired and I burst into tears for no reason at any time.  Great.

 

You see, in my head, I thought that I would just get up, leave, and forget.  My life would all of sudden become so much better.

 

Wrong.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong…I am in a better place in my career.  I love my job.  I really love it!  I have never felt so satisfied in a job before!!!  My new place to live is odd but it is 2 miles from work, it is temporary and thank fuck I have a lock on the door because I think my housemate might be a pervy sort of bloke, more about that later.

 

It’s the nothingness I feel that I think that is getting to me.  Last Friday Suzanne and I went to the Christmas market and had a great time.  And on that day I got chatted up by 2 men!!!  One who was younger than me and one that is covered in tattoos and has a crow tattooed on his face.  Nice.  And you know, usually I wold have been like, wow, people find me attractive.

 

But I just don’t give a shit.  My libido is gone.  Completely.  (Which isn’t like me).  And it’s been ages since I last had sex, I don’t even remember how it feels anymore.  The thought of anyone touching me sexually right now makes me feel physically sick.

 

I think the worst bit of this all is that I don’t know if I am doing this right.  I am feeling a lot of bad feelings.  I had a horrible thought about 10 minutes ago of just ending it.  I don’t know what brought that thought on.  So I did the only thing that I could.  I bought myself a cute sweater dress online just so I could have something to look forward to. 

 

I feel a lot of anxiety.  I feel displaced.  I feel like I don’t have a home.  I have the house and the new place where I am living now.  But they don’t feel permanent. 

 

I know that things will get better.  I know that it is darkest before dawn and all that sentimental shit.  I get it.  But I want to have a huge cry.  I want to have a meltdown of toddler proportions.  You know, stomp my feet, scream, throw things, break dishes, just release it. 

 

I feel bad about talking to people about it.  I mean people have their own shit to deal with.  Right?  Why should they take on my shit too?  I have always gotten through things by myself.  This time, I am struggling.  Like really struggling.

 

And to make matters worse, I heard from Jan.  He is moving back to Denmark.  When I got that news, I was in Manchester waiting for Suzanne last Friday.  I jumped into the nearest pub and bought 2 shots of vodka and a pint.  I downed both shots and drank my pint so quickly. 

 

You see, I always thought that one day he’d come for me on his white horse wearing a white button up shirt undone exposing his strong chest.  He’d lift me up on the horse and we would live happily ever after in Copenhagen in our stylish minimalistic house.  We’d both cycle to work, wear matching sweaters, drink wine, go out with our stylish friends…but I was obviously deluded. 

 

He is leaving and my heart broke again.  I know that this is the best thing.  This chapter has to close once and for all.  But I am hurting.  I’m hurting bad.  I feel shell shocked.

 

The men that are currently in my life are disappointments.  I have Simon (we still talk most days as friends) who to this day I have to still remind to do things (yes I should let go of that).  He still makes me laugh.  But the girl that is working in the office with him I think has started to make a move on him even though she has a boyfriend.

 

I started getting messages about me coming back to the house and what days are best because she is taking him out to dinner and she is doing this, that and the other with him.  And yes, you read that right.  SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.  She does this though to her girlfriends.  She’ll be inappropriate with other their partners, most of the time in front of her boyfriend.  I don’t give a shit because Simon and I are both single now.  He can fuck who he wants.  I guess that I am angry because her boyfriend is a friend of mine.  He’s a genuinely lovely man and deserves the best.  She doesn’t deserve him at all.

 

Then there is my housemate who last Saturday tried to shove his tongue down my throat and put his hands up my top.  I stopped that straight away.  Ever since then he has been super nice.  Last night he hugged me a bit too tight though.  Thank God there is a lock on my bedroom door.

 

But then there is my work husband.  He seems to be the most dependable.  Yes, he has a girlfriend and he takes care of her 2 children as his own.  He keeps fit, cycles to work every day, and he’s building a bar in his garden.  (I’ve been helping him with décor ideas)  He loves football, music and has a positive attitude.  He’s a lovely guy.  He’s hugged me a few times.  And in those few moments, I felt like some of the pieces have clicked back together.  Now I don’t think I have feelings for him.  He is just a friend.  And that’s how I want it to stay.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.  No fucking workmates.  And he is a colleague that I have to work the closest with.  We work in the same office, just the 2 of us.  We take care of each other by making sure that we are drinking enough water and in the insanely busy moments we are ok.  And he has a girlfriend so he is totally off limits. 

 

I hope though in time that when I do get back out there and this veil of darkness that is over my head lifts, maybe just maybe I’ll find someone as wonderful as my work husband. 

 

I don’t know.  All I know is that this feeling sucks.  I wish I could pack it up in a box and send it to Abu Dhabi.  I don’t want to feel yucky anymore.  And no matter how many platitudes I get, and all the “you’ll be ok, you’re strong”, and “you won’t be single long”, and my personal favorite, “You need to go out and dance and get drunk!”  Firstly I hate dancing unless it is my house to ELO (damn you ELO for making such catchy songs!!!) mostly in my undies and secondly surely I know what is best for me?  Just a thought!  I feel like no one really understands how I feel.  And the worst bit I feel that nobody cares.  I’m tired of coming across as the Teflon woman.  For once I want to be vulnerable, scared and I want to be able to cry and cry and not get preached at. 

 

But I know that these feelings and my place of residence are all temporary.  So I am just taking it one day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  Great times are ahead.  I know it.

 

Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn.  But when the dawn breaks, wow!  What a gorgeous sight it truly is!!!

 

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.

 

Lots of Love

 

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxx

On Being Young(ish) Free, Single and A Stressful Weekend

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

Well here I am sitting in my new home.  It's a lovely room and I have started putting my touches on it.  The bedding set is gun metal grey with sequins everywhere!!!  I bought some Yankee Silver Candles and I have pretty much put away most of my things.  I'm getting there.  There are a few bags that I need time to actually go through properly.

Well, from my last post, I officially started my new job 2 weeks ago.  On my first day, I was nervous.  I felt like I was out of my depth.

As it is in the beauty industry, the bar for beauty standards is quite high.  A few of the girls that work there (including the CEO) have had a load of cosmetic surgery done. 

I'm not going to mess with my face (but I will be getting my boobs done, that's non-negotiable!) but seeing these glamorous women, it actually encourages me to raise the bar on my own glamorousness.  So I am experimenting with my makeup, my hair, and my clothing.  I am looking more polished, I am highlighting and contouring more, and I am feeling better in myself.

But on day 2 I met the warehouse manager and everything became ok.  Aiden (real names are not used to protect the innocent) has proven to be a fantastic work colleague and friend.  We have joked that he is my work husband.  And he has a nickname for me because I drink a lot of water out of a pink sparkly cup that has a mermaid on it.  So he calls me Aquamarina.  (it's after a show from the 1960's)  There is nothing funny going on.  He has a girlfriend and 2 kids.  But we do have a good laugh in the office.

There is a lot of work to be done.  But it is what I need now.

Yesterday I moved into my new home.  Simon helped me move.  After we moved all my stuff into my new place, we were driving back to the house so I could pick my car up, and you could taste the tension....the words unsaid that we are too frightened to say.  I opened my mouth several times to say something but I couldn't bare to say the words.  We are over and we have to move on.

When I took one last look through the house, I walked downstairs and said it's time for me to go now.  I hugged him and we both sobbed.  I told him to be strong but I was falling to pieces.  I held him, my shoulder getting soaked with his tears and his shoulder getting soaked with mine. We held each other for about 5 minutes...sobbing uncontrollably.  Letting go but still not saying what needed to be said. 

I finally broke away and got into my car.  I blasted my music all the way to my new place.  Sobbing still.

When I got in, my new housemate greeted me.  I started getting unpacked.  He left me to it.  I then went out and bought something to eat and a cheeky bottle of wine.  When I got in I opened the bottle and we spoke.  I learned more about him.

He's a Jewish gentleman and he has his own business in Manchester city centre.  We have a lot in common:  We both love foreign films, football, good food, history, reading and we both just want to get on with life.

I have made myself single on social media, announced that I left St Helens and people are asking me if I am ok.

Well, I'll tell you how I am.  I think I am ok.  Yesterday I cried loads.  I held my pity party. Today?  It doesn't feel real.  So I am distracting myself by cleaning my room up, getting things sorted and organised, throwing out old things I don't need and making lists of things that I want in my bedroom (new curtains, a new rug, some nice decorations, more candles - I really love candles!!) but I know that there will come a point where I will crash spectacularly.  I will properly lose it.  And I am ok with that.  I need to get this all out into the open so I can move on with my life. 

I'm just taking things moment by moment and day by day.  I have learned a lot from the last 3 and a half years.  I know what I don't want and more importantly I know what I do want.

So I will undoubtedly be posting more in the coming days.  I'm processing and trying to heal.  That's all I can do.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your head and standards high and your heels even higher!!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage

On Taking Control of the Situation

Hey Ragers and Ragettes.  It’s a cool day here in St Helens.  So I am wearing my blue long sleeved t-shirt, my bell bottom jeans and my trusty cowboy boots.  Nice and comfy.

The past weekend I had my extensions put back in so I feel somewhat human.   I’m wearing them long and sleek today. 

I haven’t been well.  It all kicked off on last Friday with my new job.  I made a huge fuck up and I hold my hands up.  This set off a chain reaction and well, my start date got moved forward.

There are several versions of my CV out there on the job boards.  In fact there are CV’s of mine that are about 4-5 years old!  When I went into the interview for my new job they had an older version of my CV that had me still at the place I worked in Manchester. 

And I stupidly didn’t correct them.  I also stupidly gave them that company as a reference.  Double stupid.  So when they looked at my references, the first reference came back as a glowing reference.  Then the reference from the job I had for 6 months in Manchester gave a bog standard reference and the dates of employment didn’t match up.  So on Friday, I received a call that made me feel nauseous.

My new manager called first and said “they would get back to me if the job was still mine”.  I freaked out and started crying.  My dream job, and I felt sick.  I could lose my dream job because of stupidity.

Half an hour later, the Finance Director called back and wanted to know why there was a discrepancy.  So I told him the truth.  There are a few versions of my CV out there, I didn’t know which one they had and I stupidly didn’t correct them.  It was an oversight and totally out of character.  Luckily I gave them 3 references.  They called my third reference who gave me a fabulous reference. 

That reference saved my bacon.  Then the finance director said that they would take me on but I had to start on Monday…as in Today.

I felt sick.  So I started to frantically call my new landlord.  I cannot move into my new place until the 11^th.  I’d also have to walk out on Simon’s business and fuck him over. 

Now you must be thinking why do you care?  Just walk out.

There is a problem.  I have been described as an empath.  For those of you that don’t know what an empath is, it is according to google, someone that “feels and absorbs other people's emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. These people filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings.”

So seeing Simon get his heart broken and now breeching my contract and hurting him more…..that actually made me feel sick.  Like really sick.  This has been hard for him, but I can assure you, this has been hell for me.  Today I am feeling nauseous.  I’m spontaneously bursting into tears.  Last night I started crying and Simon hugged me.  Why is he being so nice?  Why can’t he be an asshole?  Why can’t he beat me?  Cheat on me?  Do drugs?  Why?  Why does he have to be so lovely?

But as Suzanne said, yes he is lovely but he isn’t the man for you and the thing is, she’s totally right. 

Anyway, I went into full panic mode.  I threw up and just felt sick.  I was buzzing around to see how I was going to break this to Simon, starting way before I should….I stewed for about 2 hours on this. 

Then I realised.  I am getting worked up about this job.  They are asking something of me that I don’t want.  Grow a set of balls Betty and stand up for yourself!!!  They want me to start my new job earlier out of desperation.  Yes I fucked up.  Yes, I dropped a major clanger there.  But you know what?  My 2 other references which actually told them about my abilities came back, “stellar” according to the finance director.  And that means they know I’m good.  So, if they want to put unnecessary pressure on me and make me sick, is it worth it?  Are they the sort of company that I should work for?  All I need is a week.  A week to tie up loose ends here.  Get my mind sorted. 

So I called the Finance Director back.  He didn’t pick up so I called my new manager back.  He picked up the phone and he was in the car with his wife (The CEO).  I told him firmly that I am starting on the 30^th as it wouldn’t be fair to leave Simon in the shit and it is my birthday week and I want to get these things out of the way so I can come in fresh and ready. 

You know what?  He and his wife agreed totally.  They were fine with it.  I couldn’t believe it.  I felt it was a little victory and that I am taking control of the situation.

So now I am trying to get Simon’s business sorted out.  I want to leave him in a good position, why?  Because Simon could have been worse.  He could have been abusive, destroyed my stuff, he could have made my life unbearable.  But he hasn’t.  He’s been sweet, kind and loving.  And to leave him in the shit and hurt him even more, I just can’t do it. I want to be as civil as possible. Plus there is still the matter of the house to duke out…I think it would be better to tread carefully and work with Simon than to steamroll him and leave him feeling even more hurt.

Simon's parents came in today so I told them everything.  They both were ok.  the reason why I told them is because Simon wouldn't until they walked in one day and I was gone.  I wanted to do this on my terms and they deserve to know and I would rather have it come from me.  So I took control of that situation.  

It feels good to be in control.  I can't control everything but the things I can control I am doing my best to.  That's how I am going to make it through this situation.  

So the next few weeks for me are going to be hard.  So I have decided to break it down in numbers: 

7 – the number of days until I start my new job

19 – the number of days until I move out into my new place

32 – the number of days until I see Suzanne again

58 – the number of days until I go home for Christmas

69 – the number of days until New Year’s Eve so I can kiss this wretched year goodbye and start afresh

And those numbers are my focus.  The promise of a new day, new experiences and a new year.

As my sister said to me this past weekend, fear not.  This too shall pass…

Until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

On the Aftermath

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a sunny but cool day here in St Helens.  Today I am rocking my red frilled blouse, bootcut jeans, cowboy boots and my favorite lippy of all time.  It’s Too Faced Melted Matte in a shade called “Lady Balls”.  It’s a velvety red color that is very, very similar to the iconic Mac lippy shade Ruby Woo.  It stays all day and even better, it’s cruelty free.  I’ve started to put all my cosmetics and skin care to cruelty free as I don’t feel that little guinea pigs and rabbits should have to suffer for me to look good.

Well, the breakup is done.  Now here is the aftermath.  I have been a very busy Betty for the last few days.

On Monday I had to go to my old flat and get the cleaners in to clean it for when I hand over the keys to the landlord.  On Monday, while the flat was being cleaned, I viewed 2 properties.  One was occupied by a smoker.  The room was nice but too small.  Thanks but no thanks.

The second property I viewed was a house share with a nice older (much older, say late 50’s) Jewish gentleman named Paul (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  This was the property with the walk in closet.  The room itself is well….gorgeous!  Hard wood floors, my own bathroom (en-suite) and a walk in closet (he had me at walk in closet!).  He will allow me to bring my guinea pigs with me (there is plenty of room for them in my room) and this property is 2 miles from my new job and 6 miles from Suzanne.

After viewing the room, Paul and I chatted for an hour.  We laughed and were in constant conversation.  He’s a really lovely guy.  He is a recruitment agent and he works from home 2 days a week.  He has an office in Manchester city centre.   He goes to the gym and eats healthily.  He likes football and is quite relaxed.  He offered me the room and I accepted. 

There is one little issue.  I would only be able to move in on November 10^th as he as a temporary lodger in for 3 weeks.  I am praying that this lodger falls through or leaves early. 

When I got in on Monday, Simon was waiting for me with a big bouquet of flowers with a sign that said “Come away with me”.  I must admit, my stomach lurched.  He was sobbing again.  It broke my heart.  Seeing him cry has been the worst part of this whole process.  I would never want to make someone cry.  And, yes, I do care about him.  Love him?  No. 

Tuesday, he stayed at home as it couldn’t face going into work.  So I went in and I had to leave early because I had to hand my keys over, pop in and get my nails done (It was a mandatory goddess maintenance!!)  I got back to work and pretended that everything was ok. 

The girl that replaced me when I first left asked me what was going on.  Simon told her on Monday that we had broken up.  So I told her the truth.  I told her exactly what had happened.  I got my dream job.  I don’t love Simon anymore and I needed to get out.  She actually listened and wished me good luck.  No mean thoughts or words.

When I got back to the house, Simon was on the couch on his laptop.  We talked civilly and watched TV together.

Yesterday Simon was in great form!!!!!  He and I were laughing and joking and chatting like old times.  It was like being with my best friend. 

It was the same today.

Now either he has accepted this and we are going to act civilly and I will work my notice and then easily move out or he is in denial and the next 4 weeks are going to very awkward.  We do have a laugh. 

I haven’t been leading him on.  We hug and look after each other.  At work, I must admit I am doing my best work that I have ever done for him.  The business has been having an issue with cash flow and I found out one of the reasons.  There is an issue with the shipping calculations and we are basically not making any money on shipments.  So today we have worked through it.  Again, I am happy and relieved but also wary….

You see, Simon and I need to have the discussion about the house.  Now, the situation is this.  When the mortgage was done, it was done on my salary and not Simon’s as he only claims a basic wage.  But he was the one that put all the money down for the deposit and he has paid for everything with a pot of money that we had from the refund from our deposit on the flat that we rented.  I have not contributed a penny to the house.  The only thing that have done is paid for food for both of us.

So, the rule of law, as I understand it (and I could be wrong) is that he needs to either buy me out (which would be nothing) and he needs to prove that he can afford the house on his own.  As he gets a basic wage, he would be rejected.  There is a way around this.  He can pay himself my wage for 3 months and then he can prove that he can buy me out.  Now as I haven’t contributed a penny to this house, I don’t get anything and you know what?  I am cool with that.  I just want my freedom.  Or he can sell the house.  And again, as he put all the money in, I would happily give my portion over.  I just want freedom.  I could get his parents to “buy me out” and take my portion.  There are possibilities.  But I have learned a lesson from this.  If you don’t feel right about something, fuck other people’s feelings. 

I think that we don’t like to have confrontation or upset people so we go along with things that we don’t like.  We need to stop doing that and stand up and say “No.  I do not want that!!”  So next time I am faced with a similar situation, I know what I need to do.

Since I have broken up with Simon, I have to say, I feel….I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I feel like I am on the right path to get my life together and to have the life that I want. 

The end game is to get my own place, so staying with Paul will be temporary as I can save a lot of money each month. 

So I am taking one day at a time, trying to be as sensitive to Simon’s feelings (we haven’t made our split “official” yet and I think that I am going to do that when I move out.) and just be the best that I can be.  It’s been emotionally draining.  I am exhausted but I know that this is temporary.  I think by mid-November I will be in a better situation.  I’ll be in my new place, I’ll be in my new job and I would have said good-bye to my old life. 

Yes, the next 4 weeks (its 4 weeks until I leave St Helens and over 3 weeks until I leave this job) will be trying.  I will have great days.  I’ll have low days.  I am just going to take each day as it comes.  Be grateful for what I do have and take control of my future.

So until next time Ragers and Ragettes, keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxx

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do Part 2

Hey Ragers and Ragettes.

On the back of yesterday's post more has happened

Last night I wanted to do it but I couldn't.  I couldn't eat my dinner and I was shaking.  Simon was sitting there happily eating his dinner and watching Netflix.  I opened my mouth to try and say the words but I couldn't. I just couldn't.  I felt light headed and tired.  So I decided that I needed to try and get a good night's sleep.

I went to sleep, Simon beside me.  I slept ok but woke up early with that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I went to the toilet and calmed myself down.  I heard Simon get up.  I finished in the toilet and headed downstairs.  Simon made me a cup of coffee and we watched some TV.

I finally spoke up.  I told him that we needed to finish the conversation from yesterday.  Then the words just came out.

I actually broke up with him.  His response?  He sobbed uncontrollably, like a child.  He howled, cried, sobbed. 

I did it as sensitively and tenderly as I could.  I kept my voice the same low tone.  I didn't argue, insult or do anything like that.  Yes, I shed tears too.  I didn't get a lump in my stomach.  I didn't get any feeling at all.  No pain in my stomach.  I actually felt relieved.  Words tumbled out of my mouth easily.  I felt like I was saying the right thing.  He cried on and off.  There were periods of silence and moments when I held his hand and said, that it would be ok.  I told him that I didn't feel any hatred or ill feelings for him.  I just couldn't love him the way he wanted me to.  And he couldn't love me the way I needed him to. 

I let him cry.  I hugged him as he cried on my shoulder.  I rubbed his back as he sobbed.  It was seriously the worst thing I have ever done.  It felt shit making him cry.  But I know that I did the right thing.

Not once when he was begging did I consider saying, ok I'll go back with you. 

As Suzanne says, the band aid has been ripped off and I feel free.  I actually feel free!!

Phase 2 is done.

Now, Phase 3.  What happens next. 

Here are the facts.  I have to work 4 weeks with him and live in the same house.  This is going to be awkward.  Because in the grief process after sadness, I believe anger is next.  This is where it could get messy.

We have the matter of the house to discuss.  And over property it could get expensive and nasty.  I am hoping that we deal with this amicably.  A lot can happen in a month.

Now I am making plans.  When destruction happens, my best trait is making plans for the future.  I went on a website that advertises flatshares.  Looking at my savings, it wouldn't be viable for me to get a place on my own yet.  So flat sharing is going to have to be the answer to the problem.  I have responded to a few ads and I have 2 potential properties to look at. 

The first is 4 miles from the new job.  It's with a guy who sounds kind of boring.  The rent is good and he allows pets and the advert says that it has a walk in closet.  Walk in closet?  I'm there!!  I'm viewing it tomorrow.

The second one looks perfect.  It's a flat with 2 girls.  I can bring my guinea pigs and the rent is spot on in a trendy apartment. 

Each option is a winner.

The hardest part is done.  Now the next 4 weeks will be hard but I am harder, tougher and stronger.  I know that I am entering a new chapter in my life and that the next few weeks are going to be hellish.  The next few weeks are going to be difficult but I can and will triumph and I can and will get through them.  I know who my friends are. 

And as my girl crush Elena LaShelle says, I AM GODDESS. You  know what Elena?  Too fucking right I am. 

On Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!

It's a rainy cold day here in St Helens.  It suits the mood to be honest.  As the title suggests, some serious shit is going down.

I left my job in Manchester as I was tired of going back and forth.  Plus it wasn't a permanent position.  They wanted to get rid of the girl that was on maternity leave and they were going to use me to do so because they didn't like her.  I thought that it was underhanded and devious.  If that is how they treat people, I don't want to be apart of that.  Plus my manager didn't like me.  He was rude and when I asked for help he was always too busy, even though he said that he wanted to make sure my department had all the support it needed. So I took the decision to walk away.

Simon and I talked and he took me back and I am working for him again.  It was a hard decision to make but I thought that I could maybe make it work.  Plus the albatross around my neck that is the house, I thought do it for the house. 

Well, when I got back to my life in St Helens, things pretty much went back to how they were.  It's like putting on an old pair of leggings that have holes in them and are threadbare.  Yes, they are comfy, yes when you eat pizza they don't dig into your belly.  Yes, they are a wardrobe staple and you can even get away with wearing them in public with a long dress over the top.  But at some point, when you are out and about, you'll look down and see a a huge run in them that you can't hide any longer.

It as the same old shit at work.  Men being stupid.  The girl I hired in the office is an aggressive know it all.  Simon still dicks around all day instead of trying to get his business back on track.  I am left frantically making phone calls, sending emails and doing what I can to plug the holes in a sinking ship.

Since I have been back, I managed to free up equity, get some cash back in his business, get a refund from the government for 30,000 and keep everything afloat.

Simon at home has been helpful.  He does help clean this big 4 bedroom house but this house does not feel like mine.  Everything is high tech and my mark isn't on it.  We have alarm systems, a lawn mower that automatically goes at 3am to cut the lawn, Automatic vacuum cleaners to vacuum the carpets.  I can't even open windows because it sets the alarm off.  Plus with the cat, all door have to stay closed.  I can't even get fresh cut flowers because the cat knocks them over or tears them up.  I can't put any photos on the mantle for the same reason. Then Simon decided to get 2 birds.  2 birds that love screeching and squawking through the day and night.

But it's not just that....I haven't had sex with him for ages.  To be honest, I don't want to.  He doesn't repulse me, I just don't feel like that anymore.  I love him but I'm not in love with him.

So, last Monday, I received a text message from a guy asking if I was looking for works still.  He told me what company he was from.  And it's a beauty company.  In fact this company is one of the biggest players in the beauty industry. I told them that I was indeed looking for work.

The man came back to me and asked if I could make an interview on Thursday.  I told him that I could.  Thursdays and Fridays I "work from home". 

So on Thursday I put my black shift dress, black blazer, did a neutral make up look and completed the outfit with my Versace scarf and black stilettos.  I set off (it is about 35 miles away) and made it in time.

The interview lasted an hour and 25 minutes.  It started off quite light-hearted.  I met the operations director (the husband of the CEO of the company) and the Finance Director (Who I spoke Italian with).  We laughed and joked and I told them my story. 

Then the CEO walked in.  Wow.  She was very glamourous.  Like totally glamourous with the most plastic surgery I have ever seen on a woman.  She definitely had her lips, nose and shitloads of botox done.  Like loads.  Her forehead was frozen!  If she hadn't had the surgery, she would have been quite beautiful I think.  I joked with them all and the interview went from feeling like an interview to a normal departmental meeting.  The 4 of us were discussing ideas and such.  It felt good.  Then I felt it....my tummy lurched. 

I have good intuition and throughout all this mess, the issue has been that I haven't been able to feel anything.  At all.  My tummy lurched, i think, because I knew that I found the place I needed to be and then the inevitable...

On Thursday night I couldn't sleep.  I kept thinking about it.  I prayed that I wouldn't find out about it so soon that I could process everything

I went into work and got tucked into the mundane spreadsheets that I was updating.  Then I received an email.

They offered me the job with a good salary and pay rise in 6 months.  They sent through an offer letter too

I went to the toilet and threw up.  I have a choice to make. 

If I go ahead with the job, I would have to walk away from Simon, the house and everything,  I am NOT doing a 70 mile plus commute a day.  And I am not doing the get an apartment and come home for the weekend to only sit there and do fuck all.  No.  I don't want that life again.

I want my pre-Simon life back.  I want to have a good social life, have fun, watch football, have a glass of wine without feeling guilty.  I want to go out with my friends again.  I want to focus on my fitness (my weight lifting is coming on leaps and bounds.)  and getting my confidence back.  I want to take weekend breaks. 

With Simon, this is impossible.  We don't go out.  He just sits on his ass and watches TV.  We went to the Trafford Center last weekend, whooptie do.  We were back in by 4pm and in bed by 8:30.  That is not the life that I want.  I have a wardrobe full of shoes and cute dresses that are begging to be worn on a night out.

So this morning I started the breaking up process.  I told him about the job.  I told him that I wanted it and that I wasn't happy.  He burst into tears.  It was like kicking a puppy.  The first thing he said was what about the business.  I need you.

That hurt, a lot.  He wasn't arsed about the relationship.  He was more concerned about the business.

When you try and confront Simon about something like this, the shutters go down and he doesn't talk.  You'll sit there in silence and wait for him to say/do something. 

He just sat there.  Staring into space.  And I am trying to see how far I can push.  I want to tread carefully because of the house.  When you wrong Simon, or if he perceives that he has been wronged, he can turn quote nasty and vindictive.  I don't want to be on the receiving end of it.

So I am doing this break up in stages.

Stage one is completed.  (telling him about the job and my unhappiness) The next stage is the hardest.  The actual break up.  I am really not good at this shit.  I hate hurting people.  I hate making people cry.  But I know that this is the best thing for me and for him.

Stage three is the what happens next stage.  This is going to be messy.  This is where we decide what is going to happen to the house.  By law he has to buy me out or sell it.  This is where it will get complicated.

In the meantime though, I have 2 possible places that I can stay.  One of the girls I used to work with has a spare room she told me I could stay in but to be honest she is being a bit unreliable.  Rita has chimed in and said that I can stay with her and I might actually take her up on that.  I would only stay with her a few months until I get back on my feet.  (that would take a couple of paychecks, so after Christmas)

So much to think of and to do; I'm overwhelmed and scared.  I can survive most things.  I have been made homeless before and I pulled through and sorted things out in 24 hours. 

The worst part of this is breaking up with Simon.  I know that in 6 months time, it will be a distant memory.  But it's getting through now which hurts.  I wish I could fast forward to New Years Day when all of this is done.

But for now, I have to pull up my big girl pants and break up with Simon.

So until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, please pray for me and please keep your heads and standards high and your heels even higher

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx