On the Ballad of Betty and Dan.......The Final Chapter?

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  Happy Friday to you all!  It’s been a crazy, strange, mad week for me.

As you know from a past blog post, my ex Dan and I have been going through a bad patch.  This is now come to a head.

Since last time, I have been receiving texts from Dan.  Some were nice, some were abusive, some were desperate and pathetic, and all were emotional blackmail of the worst kind. 

 From what I can gather, Dan is going into therapy which is much needed for him.  He has so many issues it’s untrue.  The drinking is the biggest.  But I have found out since I posted about Dan last that there are other things happening.

He started to shit stir between a mutual friend and his girlfriend by saying to the girlfriend that our friend had fucked up and forgot something.  To which she replied, no he didn’t.  He was telling me things about our mutual friend that were not very good and made me lose respect for the friend.

And Dan said that he had an emotional breakdown and he was admitted into hospital for an overnight stay.  He didn’t tell anyone about this until last Saturday when he broke loose on me.  He called and gave me a barrage of abuse to the extent where I was in tears.  Simon witnessed me fall to the floor on my knees sobbing from the verbal barbs Dan threw.

Now Ragers and Ragettes.  I have had a mental breakdown before.  I do suffer with bi-polar disorder and I have OCD tendencies.  I have done the medicine thing (which is awful) which didn’t work for me at all.  I then did the therapy thing which worked a treat.  I am not perfect but writing this makes me feel better as I feel like I am getting it all out.  

I used to see Dan as this strong, tough lad from Liverpool that could take anyone on.  But I have also seen the dark side of Dan (as I outlined in a previous post) and that side, I have to say, has started to come back.

You see, Ragers and Ragettes, the feelings that I felt with him before are flooding back.  Not the love feelings but the feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, inadequacy, and all other negative shit came back.  This has caused me sleepless nights.

Simon though has been amazing.  He’s listened to me and he snapped me out of this rut.  He told me that I shouldn’t feel like the bad guy here.  That this isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve to feel like this.

He’s right, Ragers and Ragettes!  I don’t need a friend like that in my life!!  He says that he is going through a mental breakdown.  But with the falsehoods that are coming to the surface, I don’t know what to believe.  And I need to confess, I am terrified to see him without someone there.  The messages that he is sending are scaring me.

I feel like I should be there but then I think back.  When I needed him when I first moved over he wasn’t there for me at all.  He emotionally neglected me.  He verbally abused me.  He picked at me, broke my confidence and made me feel useless.  He made me sell my guitar for beer money, he insulted me, made my body confidence drop.  And now he is giving me bullshit that I am not being there for him?  It seems like his attitude is, if I am not happy then you can’t be either!!!

Am I wrong in thinking and feeling what I am feeling?  I started to properly think about Dan’s and my relationship/friendship.  As one of my favourite songs by Sheryl Crow said, you don’t bring me anything but down.  Because that is all he does.  You know the saying, misery loves company?  Yeah.

You see, I have learned and started to make new friends.  Friends who don’t do that.

Take the gorgeous Suzanne.  When I see her, I feel renewed, invigorated, happy, and positive.  Her smile is infectious and her laugh makes me laugh too.  She is always there for me and I am there for her.  I’d take a bullet for that girl. 

She never, ever brings me down.  She always encourages me and cheers me on.  When I got my new job, my new boyfriend and new place, she was so happy for me.  Yes, I was sad to leave my old job (the only thing I was sad about!!!) because I would not have my daily hug and giggle.  Suzanne and I always have a great laugh together.  When we go out we always have a laugh!!!! 

With Dan, there is none of that.  We just end up drowning our sorrows.  Again, do I really need someone like that in my life??

So last night when Simon and I were in the pub having an after dinner drink he called.  I gulped and said hi.  He then started to question me about what I was doing tonight and Saturday.  Well tonight I wanted to chill with my man.  And tomorrow Simon and I are going into Manchester to hand my keys over to my old landlady then I am treating him to a meal for being so lovely.  This seemed to upset Dan.  He was very terse with me and we hung up.

He then sent a text saying that he doesn’t want to be in touch anymore.  The thing is that in the last few weeks, he has sent this text once a day at least. 

Simon saw the look on my face and said don’t be sad.  He hugged me and held me tight.  I looked at the love in his eyes.  I touched his face and made a decision.

I took my phone out, found his number and hit Block this Caller.  Simon looked at me and said, only do it if you mean it.  I realised that this was a long time coming.  I cannot take the emotional blackmail and verbal abuse anymore. 

So today is the first time that I feel like I am free.  Yes, Dan and I had good times but thinking about it they were drink fuelled times of self doubt and misery.

I have moved on with my life and I am in a good place.  And if people like Suzanne can be happy for me then why can’t Dan?

Ragers and Ragettes, don’t ever let anyone make you feel like shit.  You have the power to walk away.  It will be hard but true freedom comes when you learn to let go.

Dan, I had to do this.  You gave me no choice.  I don’t think bad of you.  I don’t feel anger towards you anymore just sadness.  Take care, darling.  Be safe and you’ll never walk alone.

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

On Work

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s a bleak and cold day here in St Helens.  Brrrrrr!!!  Bring back summer!!!

Well things are starting to settle down in most aspects of my life.  It makes a welcome change.  This  morning I had to stop myself from asking Simon if it was ok to take a shower.  It’s my shower too!!!  Yes getting used to sharing an apartment is quite interesting but enjoyable.  Simon is quite relaxed, easy going and he helps around the flat with chores.

But the biggest change for me is work.  

I have always worked for corporations or large organisations employing large amounts of staff.  In Simon’s work there are 4 of us  Simon, me, Keith and Errol.

Keith and Errol both work in the warehouse.  They are the polar opposites of each other.

Keith is mouthy.  He’s about 24 years old.  He’s 5 foot 10 or so, dark haired with stubble.  He used to be a fitness instructor but you wouldn’t see that when you look at him.  He just looks like a normal guy.  

He had to fight to get work as there isn’t a lot of work in St Helens.  He was on the dole for 2 years and it was Simon’s mum who managed to get him in the door.  He’s a hard worker, he loves the job and he has great ideas.  I view him as a little brother.

We went out for a few beers last Friday (When I dropped my clanger of a bolluck and disclosing that Simon and I fucked on our first date) and after a few beers, he looked at me and said Betty, what I like about you is that you are like one of the boys. I can swear, belch and fart in front of you and not feel like it offends you.  

That night when we were walking to get a takeaway pizza, as I was rocking a sleeveless black body con dress, he gave me his sweatshirt to wear.  He’s mouthy but has a good heart.  I am quite fond of him, in a non sexual way.

Errol is very quiet.  He is very polite and a total gentleman.  I call him Nice Errol as he is sooooooooooooooo nice!!!

He’s only 21 years old, tall and lanky with light coloured hair and a lovely smile.  He has a girlfriend who is 17 and she lives with him and his parents.  As the days go by I am finding out more about his relationship.  It doesn’t seem like a happy relationship.

She apparently went to stay at his one weekend and never went home.  She had a baby when she was 15 years old and the baby has a birth defect.  She has given the baby over to social services as she cannot take care of it.  

That is ok but the bit I don’t like is that she doesn’t let poor Errol go out with his friends. We invited him out on last Friday he texted Keith and said he couldn’t go out.

Simon’s Mum saw Errol’s mum and she said that his girlfriend put her foot down and wouldn’t let him go out.  According to his mum, he never goes out with his friends because she won’t let him.  What kind of fucked up shit is that?????  

What woman would do that????  If Simon wanted to go out with his mates I would say no problem!  God, it makes me angry!  We go on about how men are horrible and abusive and liars but then you hear things like this and it right pisses me off.  Errol works 2 jobs as he wants to save for his future and for a new car.  And she acts like that?  Pul-lease!!!

Right now at work, I am doing customer services.  It’s temporary.  I want to learn about the business and the queries he gets to see if we can make things better for him. 

I am learning a lot.  Like the general public can be rude, abusive, not follow directions, make assumptions and even if thy blatantly did something wrong, it’s our fault.  But saying that, there have been a lot of lovely, sweet, kind, good people.  It’s been a learning curve, that’s for sure!!

I also packed orders in the warehouse with Keith and Errol.  I really enjoyed that.  They are both a laugh!  And they were both surprised that I rocked up saying I am going to do some packing.  I think that’s why they respect me.

 Have also been given another task!!  For the brand of product that is the main seller, Simon has a website.  He wants me to be the face of the brand!!!  The marketing company we hire is going to make me a sexy avatar and I will be doing a weekly blog discussing power tools.  I even have a catch phrase....And I didn’t break a nail!   I think that he wants a sex sells sort of thing.  So things are going well, I think!  

I don’t feel like it’s work, that’s the thing.  Simon and I have this running joke that I say to him while I am at work when he’s trying to get fresh.  I say Oh no!  I have a boyfriend!  When I go home at night, I tell him that I fancy my manager.  

We do have sneaky cuddles and sneaky kisses.  It’s great.  He’s great.  I sometimes have to sit on my hands to stop myself from jumping on him.  

Things are looking up though, Ragers and Ragettes.  I get my first paycheque from work tomorrow and Simon is giving me a half day tomorrow to get my beauty treatments done.  

So onwards and upwards, it is, Ragers and Ragettes!!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxx

On Slowly Getting Back to being Fabulous

Hey Ragers  and Ragettes!  I hope that you are all doing well today!  It’s been rainy and miserable.  But I haven’t let that dampen my mood!  Today I am rocking my purple, fuchsia, grey and black wrap around dress and velvet and patent Mary Janes. 

Well, now that I am settling into life in St Helens I have to now start to rebuild everything.

I have a new doctor, I found a dentist.  Council tax is sorted.  TV License has been passed over to the new address.  My deposit for my old place is going to be used for my last month’s rent and this Saturday I am meeting my old landlady (she is so lovely) for a drink to thank her for being so lovely.

But there is something that is more important that needs to be done....I need to suss out the beauty treatments and shopping situation.

St Helens is a small town.  It lays in between Liverpool and Manchester and is about 20 minutes into Liverpool and 20 minutes into Manchester on the train. 

Small towns have their charm...there are plenty of pubs, yes but beauty salons and clothing shops?  Not so many! 

In Manchester I had everything beautywise on my doorstep.  My usual beauty regime (when I had money) was acrylic nails (my nails break so easily!!!  So does my Mama’s...it’s genetic!!) usually long red talons, my toes are usually red with diamantes on them (I love sparklies!!) I get my eyebrows threaded along the natural shape as waxing can harm the skin and cause wrinkles, I get eyelash extensions so my make up regime in the morning takes less time.  I like natural ones but I have been known to get the dramatic drag queen lashes for a night out.  I get a Brazilian bikini wax every 6-8 weeks (they take everything off and just leave a landing strip) and my hair?  My signature black bob needs love and care as I have very, very fine hair. 

Now I am in a quandary....do I go to Manchester still to get my treatments done?  Do I find new beauty therapists?

Simon’s mum gave me a brochure for the beauty therapist she uses for waxing and manicures so on Friday I am going for a refill on my acrylics and to take them down (I need it!  I lost 2!!!  And with this job they need to be practical....I’ll still go red!!), eyelash extensions, eyebrows threaded, and my bikini wax.  We will see how this goes!

Simon goes to a fabulous hair dresser who apparently is the best colour correctionist in the North West of England!  So I think I will try him.  I am toying with the idea of getting a cheeky red streak to go through my hair.  Sometimes a change can give you a new outlook on life.  I will keep you all posted.

In regards to shopping, it has the basics but I think that trips at least 2 times a month to either Manchester or Liverpool for my Mac Make-up and other essentials will be needed.  There are quirky cute boutiques and market stalls here, in St. Helens.  I will have a nosey around them of course, it would be rude not too!!

The other thing I have changed is my gym.  Before I was at the snobby gym near my old work.  Now I am at a gym where normal people go.  There are no overly skinny, stuck up bitches.  Just normal people who want to get into shape.  It’s not the most posh or stylish gym but the changing rooms are clean, they have hairdryers and straightening nozzles, a place to plug my straighteners in, and plenty of room to change. 

The actual gym is nice.  It’s not the biggest but I have never had to wait for a machine.  They have a large screen and a juke box.  You can, for free, choose any music you want to workout to and the music video gets projected on the large screen.  It’s a great gym and I enjoy my workouts.  I don’t feel awkward, fat or inadequate.

So yes, once I get my beauty regime back up and running I will be feeling fabulous again!!!  I am a believer that if you treat yourself like a fabulous goddess, you will look like and act like a goddess of fabulousness!  My friend Elena (The Words of a Goddess, honestly a great blog!) says that the bst mantra to have is I am Goddess.  I totally agree!!!

When I get my nails, hair, eyelashes done, it’s like putting on armour.  I feel like I can do what I want to do, overcome any obstacle and be strong.  When I slick my signature red lippy on, I feel that no one can hurt me.  It’s a power that I feel. 

That’s why now my life is changing for the better.  I can afford to get my armour back on and feel fabulous again.  And when you feel fabulous you attract fabulous people and fabulous situations.  And you treat yourself better. 

Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster for me.  I have been feeling weak, crazy, strong and happy all at the same time.  Slowly I am getting myself back to the normal happy, healthy Betty Rage.  It will take time.

So Ragers and Ragettes.  It’s important to tap into your inner fabulousness.  Wear that outfit that makes you feel hot.  Do your hair all sexy and tousled.  Put your power bra on!  Take your power back and be fabulous!!!

Lots of Love

The Newly Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxx

On Work Madness and The Fear

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!!  I am sooooooooooo sorry for the lack of posting.  We are still waiting for our broadband to get connected up at the new flat.  And you know what it is like without broadband...so I have been sneaking posts in at work (naughty, naughty...Simon doesn't know that he is dating the Fabulous Betty Rage and I want to keep it that way...not out of shame or anything but this is my outlet.)

Well, the last 2 weeks have been very busy and crazy.  Work has been busy but fab!  It honestly doesn’t feel like I am going into work every day.  Keith (one of the warehouse lads) put it best.  It’s like a strange hobby that you go in for and you just happen to get paid.  He’s totally right.  I am learning as much as I can and according to Simon, I am picking it up very well.  It’s just the technical questions that I am not very strong with.  But I know that in time I will learn it all.

We all have a laugh at work.  On Friday night, me, Simon and Keith met at the pub where Simon and I had our first date.  (Errol didn’t make it out.  Booo!!!) We had a laugh, a fab night and I ended up making a total arse of myself.

We were discussing Simon and my first date and how Simon took me back to the warehouse.  Keith gave me a look that suggested that he knew that Simon and I had hot and horny sex on the office floor.  So I blurted that out.  The problem?  Keith actually didn’t know that.  So I just told someone that I have to work with every day that I had sex with the manager on the office floor.....the floor that he has to walk by every day....yeah....I put my foot in my mouth indeed!!  At least I looked good.  I was rocking a nude and black body con dress and my favourite Carvella Nude Mary Jane 6 inch stiletto heels.  And I played up my eyes.  I did a smokey eye with nude lip gloss.  It worked.

This past weekend Simon and I had a lot of realisations about the last 2 weeks.  And  reflected on what I actually have now.

Both of us have gone through a turbulent but great time.  I admire Simon so much.  He’s younger than me but for a younger guy, he has is shit together.  That is so unusual for a younger man.  When I was doing the whole dating thing, I always went for older men because I thought that they would have their shit together.  What I found was mostly they didn’t.  Some of them were not working, living off the state.  Some lied about their lives and situation.  But not Simon.  He’s so hardworking and lovely.  I see him get frustrated at work;  he puts his heart and soul into his business.  He also puts his heart and soul into me.

On Saturday, we went back to Rage Towers to clean and to get the place looking lovely for when my landlady comes to check it out.  He helped me scrub, clean, hoover, window vac...we took a break from our cleaning and looked out at the Manchester Vista.  I was going to miss Rage Towers.  I started to cry and Simon held me and just let me cry out my sadness in leaving Manchester.  He put his fingers through my hair and put my head on his chest.  I felt so safe with him.

Then when we got back to our new flat, he drew me a hot bath and poured me a glass of wine.  He got me into the bath, washed my back, and just made me feel like a goddess.  He is absolutely perfect and amazing....and that is the Fear.

He’s turned into everything that I have ever wanted in a man.  He’s good looking, kind, loving, affectionate, sweet, can be silly, strong, independent and he, I know, would put me in my place if I stepped out of line.  And secretly, I like that.

Why am I terrified, you ask?

Because what do you do when everything that you have ever wanted lands on your lap?  What if it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be?  That’s what scares me.  I am scared that I am going to get bored of Simon and fuck this up.  I can actually see a future with this and that is what scares me the most.

But I can’t live my life walking on eggshells and trying to over compensate.  That’s not the basis of good mental health practices and good relationships.

So I am taking each day as it has been given to me.  I am enjoying Simon and his kind of loving.  I am enjoying the kisses, cuddles, laughs, hugs and love making.  And I am doing everything  I can to be the best girlfriend possible.

I’m not perfect and Simon knows that.  But I will put everything I can into this and make it work!  And Ragers and Ragettes, that’s all you need to do!!

Until next time, stay fabulous!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx

On Adjusting to My New Life and Having a Boyfriend

Hi Ragers and Ragettes!!!  Sorry for the lack of posting.  After the big move we have been trying to get some sort of semblance of a normal house.  We are waiting for the broadband to be connected (this Friday) so there is a lot going down!

The strange thing that I have had to deal with is trying to decorate the new flat.  Normally, for me, this wouldn’t be a problem.  The problem is that I have to take into account Simon’s taste. 

Now I don’t want to be the sort of girl that barks orders at her man and makes all decisions for him.  That’s no fun at all.   So I have been trying to take into account his taste in decor.

We went to a shop and looked at settees.  I saw a beautiful big, suede, tan coloured L shaped settee that would have looked amazing in the front room.  Simon didn’t like it.  He looked over and found 2 plum coloured ones with a feature decorative cushion.

Now, I would have never thought of plum as a colour for the front room.  But you know what?  I like it!  The neutral colour would have driven me batty when it comes to accessorising!  The plum colour gave me a pallet to work with!  Result!  So we looked at coffee tables and side tables and TV stands and found a darker wood with a retro style (which you all know, Ragers and Ragettes, is my thing!) and then we found a plum coloured lamp and 2 plum coloured lampshades.  There to have it.  Nice and easy!

The kitchen we are keeping with lime green ( I have a lot of lime green appliances and such) and our bedroom is still red.  My bathroom is monochrome.  Simon has just kept the en suite simple.  The only thing that I have to decorate now is the front hall (which is massive!!!) and the spare room (which is now a junk room.  It’s going to be my dressing room).

And the thing is that in the past I have tried to decorate a flat with an ex and it ended in a massive argument in the middle of Ikea.  Now, Simon and I haven’t had the Ikea test yet (the best way to see if your relationship is strong is to go to Ikea and if you don’t want a divorce or breakup after leaving the store, then your relationship is rock solid.  The amount of domestics I have seen in Ikea....Christ!) but I know that is something that will happen in the future.  But anyway, Simon is amazing to shop with.  He listens and he’s honest.  He wants what I want, a happy successful future.  No drama, no complications and lots of kisses and cuddles.

We are almost finished with the actual furnishings.  All we really need is a washing machine and then things like pictures and such.  Those will come in time.

There is still a lot to do though in regards to getting the flat looking presentable.  We have a wardrobe to put together....a huge one for yours truly’s shoes and clothes.  Then I need to go through my bags and put the said clothes away.  It’s truly overwhelming and daunting.

But you have to go with it. 

Yes, this relationship thing is ok.  For example, a few weeks ago, Simon announced to me that he needs to get some new shoes.  I love shoe shopping, as you know, Ragers and Ragettes.  But shopping with a man is very different.

Simon wanted some black shoes that he could wear with jeans to go on a night out in.  I thought that would be an easy purchase because I know my shoes!

Wrong!  Not easy at all!!!

We walked around a few shoe shops and he couldn’t find what he wanted. He had very specific criteria.   I would pick shoes out and it would be, too chavvy (American Ragers and Ragettes Chavvy = White trash), too dressy, too orthopaedic looking, too old manish.  And I thought I was particular!!!

We admitted defeat and decided to walk back to the car.  On the way back through town, I spotted the beautiful Suzanne and it gave me the opportunity to introduce her to my man.  She liked him so that’s so important to me.  She also told me about a fab shoe shop in the centre.

We were walking back and we happened to pass the shoe shop that the gorgeous Suzanne recommended and well...I bought a fabulous pair of red patent leather peep toe stilettos!

Shoes for Simon:  0

Shoes for Betty:  1

Last weekend, we decided to try again!

This time, Simon wanted some white trainers (sneakers/gym shoes for my American Ragers and Ragettes)  to go with his shorts as it is getting warmer here in the north of England.

We went to this discount shop and we had a look around.  It wasn’t too bad.  No stilettos but they had some cute sandals.  While Simon was trying on white trainers, a pair of blingtastic jelly sandals caught my eye....£8!  It would be rude not to!

Simon found a pair of white ones that he liked.

Shoes for Simon:  1

Shoes for Betty:  2 (that’s including the ones from the last shoe shopping trip)

Fabulous!

Yes, this relationship thing is great!  I get shoes when we go shoe shopping!  But besides that, he’s a great guy.  He’s so thoughtful.

He knows I’m trying o shift some weight (he says that he loves my body the way it is but will support my weight loss) so he surprised me with a device called Fitbit. 

It looks quite good.  It’s a black armband (I might jazz it up with some red diamantes....just a thought!!!)   You can sync it with your smart phone and log all your calories on line.  As have been doing this anyway (it’s a control thing) it’s good.  So I will let you all know of it is any good.  I am a believer if something is a good product (especially a beauty product or a fab hairdresser) then I will let all my friends know! 

And Simon’s hairdresser is apparently quite well known for doing colour correction in the North West of England so he gave me his details. 

Yes, I quite like this relationship thing.  I have never been with someone that made me laugh, who was respectful, sweet, genuine, thoughtful and so complementary.  Even when I am sporting my tracksuit bottoms, vest, no bra and hair scraped back without any make up he still tells me he thinks that I am beautiful.  Sigh, I will never understand it.

Anywho, take care Ragers and Ragettes!!  Enjoy the sunshine and stay fabulous!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxx

On the Big Move!

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!   I hope that it’s as lovely and sunny where you are as it is where I am!

Well, the big move happened yesterday.  Simon and I received the keys to our new place, signed the forms and we were on our way.  On the way back, both of us were quiet.  I think that the gravity of the situation started to set in.

When we got back into work, Simon was silent.  I asked if he was ok but he looked jaded.

Simon’s parents came over and Errol (all names have been changed), one of the warehouse lads who is dead nice (I call him Nice Errol)  went off along with Simon to unload all of my things into the apartment.  I was left with Keith, the mouthier warehouse worker.

Keith and I had a good laugh and made the day go by a bit quicker.  I was excited to see our new home though!

Finally Simon returned and we finished up the day.

We headed back to the flat and I felt very overwhelmed.  There was still a lot to do!  We had a big wardrobe (for me!!!) that was to be delivered at 5:30 and then off to Simon’s so that he could throw a few things in to take.  Then the landlord was going to pop around and see us.

We drove up to the car park of our new home.  My heartbeat increased.  I felt scared, excited, and so happy.  I took Simon’s hand and we walked to the door.  We unlocked the front door, got into the lift....God it seemed to take forever...When we got to the top floor, the doors opened...we walked through another door that leads to our wing of the building.  There was our front door.

Simon looked over at me.  I took a deep breath.  He put the key in the door, turned it and the door opened.  I walked inside.....

Boxes everywhere.  But it didn’t detract from how beautiful it was.  The whole flat is light and airy. It’s technically a penthouse.  I put my hands to my mouth and gasped.  It was amazing.  Stunning.  Simon wrapped his arms around me.  Welcome home, he whispered. 

Simon then told me, I have a surprise for you.  He took me to the spare room and there were 2 flat packed boxes and a cute retro red velvet swivel chair.  I looked at him and asked what’s this?  He then said, I know that you like to write and that you have a lot of make-up and girlie things.  So I bought you a vanity table with drawers and a mirror so that you can put your make-up on and do your writing.  It’s your own space.

Ragers and Ragettes...I was shocked...no man has ever been that thoughtful to me.  I was really touched.  I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him.  How the hell did I attract such a lovely man?

We started to move boxes around to the appropriate rooms that they belonged in.  Ragers and Ragettes...word of advice.  Do not move boxes while wearing a vintage dress and heels as found out!  I picked up a box of crockery/plates/cups (I knew that it was full of plates because I labelled them!) and I started to move them to the kitchen.  I bashed my foot into one of the boxes and I tripped...there was the sound of something breaking....Oh dear!   I haven’t  inspected the damage yet...I’m scared to!!!  Simon ran over and asked if I was ok.  My knee was a bit scraped but I was mostly embarrassed!!!  I am rather accident prone!!!

The wardrobe got delivered and headed to Simon’s to pack up some of his things.

When we got in, his mum handed me a glass of white wine which I gratefully glugged down.  Then we went through and started to pack up.  Simon’s mum then broke down and cried.  I held her in my arms.  I told her that it was ok and that and Simon’s dad were more than welcome to visit anytime.  She sobbed in my arms.  Ragers and Ragettes...I am shit when people cry!!  I don’t know what to do or say so I mumbled some shit like it’s going to be ok, you’re alright.  That seemed to work. 

We packed up Simon’s items and then put them in his car.  As we went to leave, his mum broke down again. 

My heart sank.  I instantly felt like the worst person in the world.  I completely forgot how it felt to leave home.  I know that we will only be less than 5 minutes down the road but still, it’s hard!   I hugged Simon’s parents again and soothed them the best I could.

We got into Simon’s car and headed back to our new home.  Simon was silent again. I tried to make small talk but I mostly thought that I sounded like an ass.

We arrived back at our new home and got everything of his into the flat. We went into the living room and I started to get the kitchen sorted.  I looked over and Simon was looking out the window.  I stood next to him and started to rub his back.  I felt him put his arms around me and he rested his head on my right shoulder.  I heard sobbing. 

I looked over at him and Simon was weeping.  And I mean weeping!!!  I turned, wrapped my arms around him.  I let him cry. 

I don’t know how long he was crying for.  I don’t know if my words and hug soothed him.  I lifted his head up and said, what’s up darling?

He replied,  hate seeing my parents upset. 

Tears welled up in my eyes.  God, I felt horrible!  I was effectively taking him away from his parents!!! 

He sensed this, I think, and said, it’s nothing to do with me leaving, I just don’t like seeing them upset.

 He looked so innocent, so sweet.  Almost like a child.  I wiped his tears away with my thumb.  I kissed him gently. 

He smiled and we continued sorting things out.  We built the bed (without any swearing!!!) together, had a laugh and just enjoyed each other’s company.  We made the bed and started looking at the layout.

We then decided that we had done enough for one day, so we ordered a kebab, I cracked open a bottle of bubbly and we settled in and watched Transporter 2. 

We went to bed, made love and fell asleep, I think, both happy and content with our new place.

There is still a lot to do, Ragers and Ragettes so this weekend will be me putting together my new wardrobe and vanity/writing table that Simon bought me.  So a busy weekend for me indeed!!

But it’s set to be lovely so there will be plenty of beer garden time that’s for sure...now where did I pack my sundresses and sandals?

So there you go Ragers and Ragettes!!  This new era of being a part of a couple and into a posh home has now begun!!  It’s exciting scary and crazy!  But I am sure that I will do something to embarrass myself!

Until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, stay fabulous!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxx

On Moving Out and Moving On

Hey Ragers and Ragettes!!   

Well, all of my items are packed up and today I said goodbye to Rage Towers, to Manchester and to my old life of living paycheque to paycheque.  And also said goodbye to the single life.

I have had mixed feelings about all this to be honest. 

This can best be expressed in this way.

Back in 2001 when I was visiting my uncle in the south of England I went to Boots (a fabulous  shop that does all girlie things that all girls need:  make up, shampoo, conditioner, hair dryers....it’s amazing!!!) and I needed to purchase a new hair brush.  I have very fine, sort, funky hair so I can’t use big industrial sized brushes or combs.  I found a comb that was amazing.  It was grey, has 3 rows of teeth and it handles tangles perfectly.  It also backcombed my hair like a dream!!! As I have such fine hair it was perfect!!  I used it without fail for the past 13 years.  In that time, it lost 5 teeth and it looks like it has been well loved.  I tried to look for replacements in the shops but they don’t sell them anymore!!!!!!  So I took extra good care of it by washing that comb once a week to keep it clean.

I had that comb for years and years!  Until last week.  Said comb has gone missing.  I was distraught!  One of my beauty bag staples was now missing!!!!  But it made me think.

In order to truly move out, move on and get on with it, you need to know when it’s time to turn the page.  

Yes, things happen to upset the balance of life.  But you need to move on from it.  I am shocked by a lot of people that get trapped in the past and won’t move on.  Pain is a part of life.  We have all experienced it in some way or another.  But unless you deal with it and you acknowledge it you will forever be trapped in the revolving door of the past and you will never be free of it.

I have moved quite a bit.  And in the last few years I have kept quite a few things the same because it was comfortable.  But I found that I was in the same cycle:  Over eating, spending too much money, drinking too much, hating my job, hating my life.  Attracting people that were in more of a mess than I was.  Getting sucked into that shit and being brought down. 

That’s one of the reasons why I decided to move.  There are a few good people that I will miss.  Suzanne (who I am missing soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much) and my neighbour.  But besides that, I don’t feel like the city can offer me what I want now.  And with me moving to St Helens I am in between Manchester and Liverpool on train so it’s not too traumatic!!

So, all my stuff has been packed up.  Nothing is left in Rage Towers.  It’s kind of sad but exciting too.  And I can’t believe that all my shoes fit into one transit van!  Result!

Packing wasn’t too stressful.  Simon helped out and between us we got it all done together, a bit each night.  It worked out well.  I still have to go back and clean, take my decorations off the wall but I have the flat until the end of June.  One weekend I want to go up by myself and say my proper goodbye to Manchester.  It will be poignant for sure.  I will probably cry, reminisce and then move on.

The important thing, as I have mentioned before, is to get closure on big things like this. 

But, I will focus on the adventure tonight.  Unpacking and putting together our new furniture will surely be interesting!

We get the keys at 2pm today and then Simon, one of the lads from the warehouse and Simon’s dad are going to unload the van and put the boxes in the flat.  All I will need to do is open the boxes and put things away!  Secretly, I am relieved to not have to move the boxes and furniture. Just let the men do that and let us prinnies relax.  ;)

And in regards to the comb?  I found a distributor on eBay that does them but I am going to go to the new hair salon I found and get a professional opinion on what brush/comb to use.  I am determined to try something new!!!  (at least I know where I can get my comb if all else fails!!)

So, until next time, Ragers and Ragettes, stay fabulous!!!

Lots of Love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxx

The Ballad of Betty and Dan

Hi Ragers and Ragettes!  It’s been a very busy few days for me!  I have been working at my new job (which I absolutely love!!!)  and going home each night and packing up Rage Towers for my move to Simon and my new apartment!  I am beyond excited and I can’t wait to get in and make it look like home.  Simon has given me free rein on decorating the flat how I want to.  So I have decided on plum for the front room, lime green for the kitchen, red for our bedroom, and the spare room is going to be my room to put my clothes, shoes and it will be my little corner.  I can’t wait!!!

There is one dark cloud that has come up....Dan. 

You see, Dan has been texting, calling and basically being a pain.  But Dan and I have a long and chequered past.

Ragers and Ragettes...I present to you....the ballad of Betty and Dan.

Once upon a time, back in 2008, I was in a deeply commited relationship living in Ireland with an Irish man named Donal*.  (remember, all names are changed to protect the not so innocent!!)  We were happy but something wasn’t right with Donal.  He had a psycho ex girlfriend and 2 kids.  He loved his kids so much and was only allowed to see them on a Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.  So Monday, Wednesday and Saturday nights I saw Donal.  (Friday night was lads night out.....he used to get trashed, call me at 2am and sing to me) and the other nights I just pleased myself.

Then I met Dan.  Dan is from Liverpool and he was my supplier and I was his customer through my job.  We met over the phone and instantly built up a friendship.  He would make me laugh and every day I would look forward to coming into work to speak to him and laugh with him.  

There were 2 issues with Dan.  Dan was 20 years older than me and...Dan was married with 2 kids.  But I couldn’t help how I felt about him.  Maybe it was because it was like forbidden fruit and you all know that forbidden fruit tastes the best!!

He and his wife came to Ireland to visit myself and a girl I worked with.  I brought Donal with me.  We had a brilliant night.  Donal got trashed and went back to mine earlier.  I had a great night.  Dan attracted me so much.   I knew that I couldn’t live without him.

He invited me to visit him in Liverpool and in May 2008 I came over to visit Dan and the city.

I fell in love with Dan that weekend....and the city of Liverpool.  It had a charm.  Its people, the shopping, the waterfront, the vibe, everything!!! I knew that I had to get there.  I knew that Donal and I were through and that I needed to be with Dan and back in Liverpool.

I met Donal’s friends and we all had a laugh.  We all got on so well!!  I was so happy and felt liked I fit in.

Dan and I kissed that weekend.  He was so romantic.  So sweet.  So loving and tender.  I had never been treated like this.  He made me feel beautiful.  When I left Liverpool I cried for leaving the city and for leaving Dan.

I saw Dan again in the August but in between then, we were constantly texting, calling, emailing and keeping in touch. 

The August, his wife twigged that something was going on and they rowed mercilessly.  He ended up booking a flight to see me in the September.  We had a lovely weekend together.  We kissed, touched but didn’t have full on sex.

He returned home and his wife went ape shit.  She knew.  She kicked him out and well, I decided to leave Ireland and be with him.

Donal and I had finished.  He wouldn’t let me meet his kids and it came out that he was fucking his ex behind my back.  Good riddance!!

So in October I left Ireland with Dan.  He came over to bring me to Liverpool.  Romantic?  Sweet?  Oh how reality is so cruel!

When I moved over I needed to find work in the beginning of a recession.  We had to find somewhere to live.  Oh reality was so cruel!!

I  managed to find a job on the same industrial estate in Manchester as his job and Dan and I found an unfurnished flat in St Helens.  It was a lovely flat.  1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, kitchen and living room.  It was lovely.  But we had little money.  So we bought a blow up bed, a friend gave us a TV and we sat on my suitcases in the front room. 

Life with Dan was a misery.  He missed his children and I discovered that Dan had a very big drink problem.  Everything was around the pub. 

I think that he resented me.  He would drive me to and from work.  And in the car he would grunt, huff, puff and rage.  Then he would drop me off at our flat, see his kids.  I would make dinner and he would come back, open a beer and grunt at me.  He wouldn’t talk to me. 

When we would go to bed, he would lean over, put his hand on my nipple and pull.  He’d kiss (and by kiss, I mean he’d slobber all over me) finger me and I would fake an orgasm.  I would then suck him off.  We never had full on sex.

Why, do you ask, Ragers and Ragettes?

Simple.  He was an alcoholic.  He couldn’t sustain and erection.  And when his erection would fail?  He’d call me a frosty bitch or something to that effect.

We struggled with money.  My wage wasn’t big as I was in a job that was awful in every way.  I was bullied mercilessly from day 1 by my manager.  I was living in pure hell.

Where was the money going?  He was paying child support to is kids (fair enough) the rest of it?  At the pub of course!!!  I couldn’t afford to get my hair cut, my nails done, I couldn’t buy new clothes.  Our lives were around the pub.  He’d buy rounds and I would buy rounds and soon before you knew it, 2 weeks before payday I was broke.  He’d have a go at me.

I remember one May, he made me sell my beloved Washburn guitar that I had for 9 years, that a good friend of mine gave me.  I write music and it was my most prized possession.  And I had to sell it.  I only got £40 for it.  The guy in the shop told me not to sell it.  He said that there was always a solution.  When he handed me the £40, I cried my eyes out.  I felt such a hatred to Dan that day.  I felt such a burning, torrent of hatred.  I shook.

Dan picked me up from the shop and he said, let’s go to the pub, your round.  He acted like nothing happened.

Then one night to try and spice things up, I dressed in my trashiest lingerie and cooked him his favourite dinner.  He came into the flat as always in a grump.  I smiled and he just looked at me, shook his head got a beer and mumbled something under his breath about me being fat. 

Another time, I had a particularly bad day at work and I just wanted a cuddle.  I was crying so hard.  I asked Dan for a cuddle and he just went to the fridge and got a beer and told me that I was pathetic.  I never felt so alone in my life.

This man wasn’t the man that I had met in 2008.  Even though I had a boyfriend (Dan used to call me “the girl that I stay with” not his girlfriend.) I never felt so alone.  Sometimes I would pray that he would hit me just so I knew that he felt something.  The emotional abuse that I was suffering was unbearable.  And along with Dan, I picked up his drinking habits.  I too started to drink too much.

This went on from October 2008 until May 2010.

Ragers and Ragettes, in March 2010, my life changed.

Dan called me one morning at work saying that he had been constructively dismissed from work.

This changed my life majorly.  First, I had to make my own way to work.  I had to walk to get to the train from St Helens (a 2 mile walk) to Eccles and walk from the train station to the office which was 2 miles.  I was getting up at 5:30 and walking to the train station by myself.  And in the evening I had to make the same journey back.  I was effectively commuting 4 and a half hours a day.

And I would get home, Dan wouldn’t be there or he’d be at the pub or on the cheap and uncomfortable settee that we had bought from Ikea.  I felt so scared and so alone.

One day when I was walking to work getting ready for a day of being bullied, I snapped.  I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore.  I wanted to jump off the Centenary Bridge.  I couldn’t live with the commute, living on noodles (that’s all I could afford; my train ticket was £200 a month!!!)  So  started looking for house shares closer to work. 

May 2010, I moved out from the flat and into a house share in a cold, smelly, dark house in Eccles. Yes, my landlady was psycho, but I was free from the shit I had to deal with every day. 

Dan I broke up later.  I dated a few guys but we managed to stay friends.  We got back together in 2011 but soon broke up because he went back to his old ways.

We have stayed firm friends ever since.  But whenever I have dated guys, Dan will bombard me with texts, calls and start acting all pathetic and desperate.  He would emotionally blackmail me.  So those relationships would fizzle out eventually.

I moved into Rage Towers with the thought that would have to shoulder this burden for the rest of my life.  Never again love or be loved because Dan would put the act on.  He would be nice and lovely when I was single but as soon as I found a man...bam!  The emotional blackmail would come about.

Last night it came to a head.

 

I always say that this blog is therapy to me.  I have now found an amazing man who I want to build my life with.  Who I feel stable, cared for, and dare I say loved.  And now Dan is turning the emotional blackmail on again. 

I was restless and Simon picked this up.  I told him about the emotional blackmail texts from Dan.  Simon held me and said, Betty, this isn’t right.

Simon was right (I would normally talk to Suzanne but she is back in America) and so I snapped.  I hit my breaking point.

I texted Simon and my mutual friend “The Lad” and told him what I was being subjected to.  He is going to have a coffee with him and tell him to man the fuck up. Because if he doesn’t, I will block him and slap a restraining order on him.  I am deadly serious. 

I am not letting him fuck this up for me.  I am finally stable and settled.  I don’t need this shit.  So for once in my life, I am letting my fear of “hurting someone’s feelings” go away and I am going to take care of myself and only myself.

So with Simon’s support and this new found strength, it’s onwards and upwards for me, Ragers and Ragettes!!

I just need the strength to get through the flat move!  I will tell you all about it, of course!

Lots of love

The Fabulous Betty Rage xxxxxxxxxxxxx